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It’s not a fair world, Denji thought as he sat and waited in anxious energy in the classroom. The afternoon sun was peering through the windows and cast a glimmer directly onto his eyes. Just his luck. He scrunched his face and shied away from the window.
It’s not a fair world. If it were, he would be home. Probably watching TV or reading a dirty magazine or something of the like. Probably just watching Nayuta playing around with the dogs while Yoshida brought him some food, and maybe put on a movie that they can both watch.
Yoshida…
Denji suddenly thought about the test that was about to get handed back to him, the reason he was there in the first place. He shuddered when he thought of Yoshida and his constant ministrations about school and doing well and all that bullshit.
If not for you, then at least do it for me, he recalled Yoshida saying. Denji rolled his eyes, the gall he had to think that Denji would want to do something for him like do well on a damn English test. And yet thinking about it…
Something in his stomach lurched forward when he thought of that. Must be nothing.
The lurching got worse when the teacher began to approach his desk, holding a stack of papers and preparing to drop one onto Denji’s desk. Denji pursed his lips and his muscles seemed to automatically tense. His eyes clenched shut and his teeth grinded. The feeling didn’t stop when he heard paper being dropped on his desk and footsteps fading away.
Denji tentatively opens one eye.
67% - D
“Fuck.”
Denji trudged his way past the lockers and through the hallway, dragging his feet, his eyebrows slumping downwards and his mouth hanging open. He’s never really been one to care about school assignments, at least he thought so, but this one in particular bummed him out. After all the energy and time Yoshida spent last night on that test. Only to come back, with this.
Just thinking about it caused a sharp unease in his stomach, his heart, and made his skin feel like it was too tight. It occurred to him just now that he would have to show the test to Yoshida and have to stomach his disappointment.
Denji reached the end of the hallway and turned the corner. Seemingly on cue, Yoshida was visible on the end of the next hallway, casting a wave with a still, small smile on his face.
“Denji!”
Denji trudged his way over to Yoshida, disappointment apparent in his steps and resting its hand on his shoulders.
“How was class?”
Denji averted his eyes from Yoshida and gazed down at the corner of the wall. He pouted.
“Sucked.”
Yoshida raised an eyebrow. “I’m guessing it didn’t go well.”
Denji brought up the test for Yoshida to see, practically shoving it in his face. “D. I fucking bombed it.” He knew he was going to bomb it when he stared at the test and his brain felt like it was turning into stone.
The sea of red marker across his test affirmed that in his eyes. Instead of simply breezing through the test, he stopped like deer in headlights, and then had to force his way through the test.
He moved the piece of paper out of the way, expecting Yoshida to display his trademark, neutral empty stare. Instead he found him looking downward, with his hand on his chin, a perplexed look on his face. “Dammit”, Denji could hear him whisper.
“I know.” He grumbled. He gazed at the wall corner. A swirl of thoughts began to circle around his brain, clouding it with static that caused his head to burn.
That was interrupted when he felt a slight pressure on his right shoulder. He looked up, his mouth slacked open.
Yoshida laid a hand on his shoulder, the smile was back, warm and gentle.
“Maybe we should go get something to eat together, Denji.” he said.
Denji almost sputtered. His mouth still hung open. “B-but I fucked up the test.”
“I know,” he said. The hand then travelled on Denji’s cheek, and almost instinctively Denji pushed against it with his face, sort of nuzzling it. “I want to cheer you up.” Yoshida said in a gentle tone.
Denji stops nuzzling into Yoshida’s hand before looking behind him, casting a nervous glance at the empty hallway. “Let’s get outta here before anyone sees us.”
Yoshida simply takes his hand and weaves his fingers around Denji’s. Denji lets him and allows him to lead the way out of the school.
Denji excitedly stuffed bite after bite of cake into his mouth, while Yoshida watched him with a mixture of fascination, amusement, and contentment. He was sure at least one person was looking at the both of them wondering what the hell was going on with them. Yoshida grinned to himself. Maybe they just didn’t know how lucky he was.
Denji looked up at Yoshida, catching him staring. Then he pushed a cupcake that was resting nearing Denji’s plate towards him.
“‘s yours.” He said.
Yoshida raised his eyebrows. “Denji, it’s my treat. You don’t need to give me one of those.”
True, Yoshida paid for everything Denji asked for in the cafe, a common sight when they were out together. If you asked Yoshida how much he spent here per date, it would probably be close to ten thousand yen. It was worth it every time to see Denji happily eat away at the treats he bought him. He certainly wasn’t going to allow one of Denji’s hard earned treats to be given away. He was perfectly fine here with his coffee.
Apparently Denji did not see it that way. “What do you mean? You’re eating nothing!”
Yoshida smirked as he simply raised his coffee cup to where Denji could see it.
Denji sputtered. “T-That doesn’t count!”
“It does if it sates your hunger.”
“How does that-” Denji fails to finish the sentence, but his face instead hardens into a more determined glare.
“Doesn’t matter, you’re eating it.” He pushes the plate with the cupcake on it towards him. It comes to a stop unceremoniously in front of Yoshida’s fabled coffee cup.
He looked at the cupcake below him, situated plainly at the right of his coffee cup. He wasn’t really hungry. In fact, he should really cut back on this kind of food, considering his and Denji’s frequent dates to this particular cafe. Not to mention that this was supposed to be Denji’s. He was supposed to be cheered up here.
Oh what the hell.
“For you Denji, I will enjoy this cupcake.” Yoshida says, making a big show of lifting the cupcake before promptly nibbling on it.
Denji’s expression softened. “I, uh, don’t see you eating a lot, Hirofumi.”
Yoshida raised an eyebrow, then looked down towards his newly acquired cupcake. “I uh,” He cleared his throat. “I probably don’t get as hungry as you do.” He chuckled to himself. “I honestly don’t mind watching you eat instead.”
Denji shrugged. “Makes sense.” He points towards the cupcake. “Still, you’ve gotta eat.”
Yoshida took another nibble of the cupcake frosting, then he plucked the cherry off of the top and threw it in his mouth. He winced as the disgustingly sweet morsel slid down his throat. Then he took another nibble. “It’s sweet, as usual.”
Denji sighed, “You know man, you don’t have to eat it if you want. We can go somewhere else.”
“What do you mean Denji? This is where we spend all of our dates.”
The tips of Denji’s cheeks began to redden as he bashfully looked away. Yoshida had to keep himself from giggling like a little schoolgirl. “Shut up man…” he murmured.
Another lull. Denji wasn’t eating as much as he was poking at his food. Yoshida certainly noticed the change in his mood from a moment ago, it made his heart ache. If only to alleviate this somehow.
“We can go somewhere else if you want. I just figured you enjoyed this place.”
Denji shifted in his seat. “I dunno if it’s just about what I want Hiro…”
“What do you mean?”
“This whole…thing that we’re doing.”
Yoshida actually sat and thought about this for a moment. He looked down at the cupcake that he barely took two nibbles out of. Then back at Denji. His heart warmed the more he thought about it. Denji was his biggest weakness, he did things to his heart that no other boy was able to.
Yoshida smiled, his voice almost cracked, but he suppressed it. “You’re so sweet to me Denji. Thank you.” He stood up. “May I ask that we go somewhere else?”
Denji’s lips curled upward, his cheeks were still slightly red. “S-sure.”
Yoshida held his hand outwards to him, Denji took it as he stood up.
They had takeout from a place that was near Denji and Nayuta’s apartment. Yoshida set the bags down on the table as Denji greeted Nayuta and the dogs, which were always pawing around his feet as per usual.
Nayuta eyed Yoshida as she stood in front of him. She narrowed her eyes at him. “Are you staying over tonight?”
Yoshida shifted in his seat and pursed his lips. “Probably.” he managed. He takes a slice of pork and slides it into his mouth, munching on it nervously.
Nayuta raises one eyebrow, before grinning and making a thumbs-up. “Okay!” She says. She walks in the other direction, towards the kitchen, but turns back and says, “You know, there’s no telling what I’ll do if you break Denji’s heart.”
Yoshida gulped. “I’ll try not to.” He managed a small grin.
At this moment Denji walked towards Yoshida from his room, an army of dogs were nipping at his feet. He sat down next to Yoshida on the couch.
“You uh, want to watch something on TV?” His smile returns, “Maybe a movie.”
The response comes immediately, almost naturally. “Definitely.”
They both sit back and start flipping through channels. Denji shifts closer to Yoshida and eventually rests his head on his shoulder. Yoshida dares not move, the left side of his body feels as if it were lit on fire. He’s quite sure that he’s not just blushing but his whole face is red. He cleared his throat.
He takes a deep breath and then finds it within himself to relax. This is fine, this is more than fine. This is wonderful, the best he had felt all month. He extends an arm around Denji’s shoulders.
They stay like that for a while. Denji was lost in a shitty action movie, gawking at explosions and beautiful, scantily clad women, but he wasn’t moving from Yoshida’s embrace.
“Uh, Hiro, you want to sleep in the same bed?”
The question almost comes at a shock. Yoshida is glad he’s turned away from Denji. The combination of this and Denji using his petname surely had him blushing again. Perhaps even more intensely than during the movie.
“I’ll sleep wherever you want me to, Denji.”
“Come on Hirofumi, I literally asked you! Do you want to or not?” He pouted.
His response was almost instantaneous. “Yes! Of course.” Yoshida almost yelped.
A bit of silence. Denji bit his lip, then he awkwardly grinned, his sharp teeth were visible to Yoshida. The moonlight from outside glinted off of them.
“Uhm, if you will just allow me to get changed.” Yoshida murmured before stepping into the adjacent bathroom.
Yoshida looked at himself in the mirror. His neutral expression stared back. He mostly looked put together, but a few locks of his hair were out of place, his skin looked a little more flushed than normal, and he was pretty sure he was panting a second ago.
He stared a little longer in the mirror. And then a hand laid on his shoulder.
This won’t last forever, you know. You may actually be as weak enough to think for just a moment that you actually have something that you can trust in and can trust in you. But everyone knows the truth. Everyone who actually knew you knows what you really are. A slave, a whore for Public Safety. You’re not even a person, you’re a sentry. You’re only one step above a weapon. What makes you think he can trust you? After everything they did to him? Only a matter of time before they make you do something to him. You know nothing, you’re playing with things you can’t comprehend-
He scrunched his face and dipped his head, directly facing the sink. He can’t deal with this now, not at Denji’s place-
You’re crying? You’re crying. How pathetic. You’re acting like you're discovering this now. You’re not meant to love, and you’re not meant to be loved. There will come a day where you’ll have to face the truth and you will either go along with it like the weakling you are or you will shrink away and cry, then do it anyway. Which will it be?
Tears were flowing out, down his eyes and down the sink. He struggled to breathe, he felt like his lungs were shriveling up and his breath was coming out in staggered waves.
He brought his hand up to his face and wiped away below his eyes. His fingers came away wet. He grimaced. No, no, no no. Not here. Not where Denji can see-
Three knocks sounded from the door, accompanied by Denji’s voice. “Uh, Hiro? You okay? You’ve been in there for a while.”
“Y-Yes!” he quickly blurts out. “I’m fine! I’ll be out in a second.”
There was a bit of silence. Yoshida bit his lip, pressing down with his teeth in anticipation. Even the slightest bit of added pressure could cause it to bleed.
Eventually Denji responded. “Are you on the toilet or something?”
Yoshida rolled his eyes. Then he smiled, just a little.
“No, Denji. I’ll be out in just a moment.”
They lied in bed together. At first they tried to lay on opposite sides of the bed to give each space, but Denji ended up shifting closer, little by little, to Yoshida, who did nothing to stop it. Eventually, he pressed up against him, the top of his back rested against his chest. “‘s warmer.” He groggily explained.
Yoshida simply took in his scent, rubbed the side of his ear and
His hair, anything to commit this to memory. He breathed inwards and outwards. He was afraid that at any second, this existence could fall apart at any second if Denji was ever out of his grasp.
He leaned forward and breathed in, taking in Denji’s scent.
“Uh, dude? Are you sniffing my neck?”
Yoshida shrunk back as if his head were pressed against a bed of hot coals. “S-sorry! I’ll just-”
“No no no-, it’s fine.” Denji turned towards Yoshida, concern evident on his face. “You can if you want to.”
The instant those words came out of Denji’s mouth, Yoshida’s hand descended on the top of his . He began massaging little circles upon his scalp. Denji murmured, letting out an appreciative hum. His head pushed against Yoshida’s fingers, craving more contact.
Yoshida breathed in, taking in as much of the air around him. Sunlight had long since passed, but light was still being produced by the outside world. It fell and cascaded across Denji’s body, his face, and on the sheets around him. Yoshida couldn’t hope to tear his eyes away.
He leaned in and just barely stopped short of Denji’s neck. He breathed in his scent and his presence. He brought his arms around Denji’s chest and hugged tighter and buried his face in the crook of Denji’s neck. Denji’s breath hitched.
Yoshida stilled. This was fine. If this was all he was allowed to do with Denji, then he would happily take it. He cherished every moment he got to do this. He never wanted to take it for granted. This is fine.
“Hiro…” Denji stirred. Yoshida’s shoulders tensed. “You know you’re allowed to…” Denji stalled.
“I’m allowed to do what, Denji?” Suddenly, it felt all the more real. Yoshida’s head swam. A million different scenarios appeared in his head.
“Denji, do you mean…” Yoshida trailed off, not wanting to do anything to scare him.
“Please…” Denji whispered, so low that Yoshida wouldn’t have caught it if he hadn’t held his breath.
With that he leaned forward and planted a small, chaste kiss on the back of Denji’s neck. He could hear Denji’s breathing speed up upon contact.
When Yoshida pulled back, Denji began to shift on the bed. He turned over to look at Yoshida. His pained expression was evident on his face as he stared into Yoshida’s eyes. His lips were pressed together and there were tears threatening to spill from his eyes.
“Hiro, do you think we’ll-” He choked up, and Yoshida’s heart skipped a couple beats. “...make it? Do you think we’ll make it?” He cleared his throat, making a strangled noise.
Yoshida sucked a breath in. He shuddered as he began to reach out to Denji’s face. He took a loose strand of hair, and tucked it in behind his ear.
He began to speak, but nothing came out. The truth was that he didn’t have an answer for Denji. He couldn’t say whether they were safe or not for sure. There were so many things that could end this right now. He clinged a little harder to Denji. “I can’t be certain.”
Denji’s face fell. A look of what appeared to be resignation crawled across Denji’s face. Yoshida’s blood ran cold.
“B-but listen to me Denji!” Yoshida grabbed both ends of Denji’s face. Something else began to swarm inside Yoshida’s insides. Something warmer. “You’re very special to me. A-and these past few weeks have been…” He trails off. Denji’s eyes widened. Yoshida feels his moisten.
“Denji-” He continues after taking a ragged breath. “I like you, and whatever it takes to keep things this way,” The feeling within his stomach gets stronger, and Yoshida can’t stop the words spilling out of his mouth. “Whatever you ask of me, I-I’ll do it! Anything to keep this!” His grip on Denji tightened, as if he were afraid that he would be whisked away if it loosened one bit. He felt a tear go down his cheek.
Denji narrowed his eyes. “Anything?”
“I would d-” He stopped himself. Denji scrunched up his face, indignant. “Y-You can’t do that!”
“Do what?” Yoshida barely managed to gasp out.
“Die!”
Silence ensued. Yoshida continued to stare into Denji’s face, which he still grasped as if his life depended on it. The both of them were panting.
Eventually, Yoshida was able to calm his breath. “Okay, Denji.” He said as he brought his face into his shoulder. He let go of Denji’s head and instead brought him into a hug. “I’ll try not to die,” he murmured. “For you.”
He could feel Denji’s breath unwinding, and he felt arms slowly move around him, reciprocating Yoshida’s hug. Yoshida let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
With that Denji began to drift off into sleep, nuzzling into Yoshida’s chest. Yoshida held Denji in his arms and looked at the window. The curtains were drawn but light was seeping through them. Some of it fell on Denji’s back and some of it was directly on Yoshida’s face.
He had a way of solving that.
Yoshida dipped his head down, to the point where his lips were touching the top of Denji’s head. Then he closed his eyes. He almost smiled.
It's not a fair world. If it can't be a fair world, then it can be a just one.