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Kai's always been alone, one way or another. Even when he was working regularly, and surrounded by people, he was effectively by himself. Then he met Lu Han, who guided him first to Lay and then to Kris, and now, with their Summons Minseok and Baekhyun, they're a regular party. Kris is running the show; Kai's still adapting to that, to having someone else actually take him into consideration when making decisions. Kris doesn't always make the right choices but even when he's wrong, he gives reasons Kai can understand and appreciate, which goes a long way towards keeping things running smoothly in the team.
What Kai doesn't understand is what Kris is searching for. There's a pattern in the jobs he takes, Kai's certain of it, but whatever it is, it's not clear to the rest of them and asking Kris about it leads nowhere. One week they'll be clearing out monsters from a church in the Sector 5 slums, with Kris taking the priest aside afterwards to ask him something privately, and the next they'll be travelling out to chocobo farms in search of a rustler, who, upon being found, is subjected by Kris to an interrogation with seemingly nothing to do with chocobos.
"Everyone has their secrets," Lay says philosophically when Kai tries to broach the subject with him. "I do. You certainly do. If Kris wants to keep his, let him. He hasn't kept anything from us that would get us killed - so far."
"So far."
Kai's too used to making his own choices - albeit not so much, since finding Lu Han - and he has trouble adopting Lay's laidback approach. Kris is a wholly unknown quantity: friendly enough, on the surface, but hard to get to know. He says he's motivated by money, and true enough, their finances are shaping up nicely. But Kai's seen him turn down high-paying jobs to take ones in completely the opposite direction, for the most arbitrary of reasons.
The logical assumption is that like Kai, Kris is searching for his past self. (Lay seems less concerned about such matters.) Their Summons have told them nothing further. Lu Han's indicated that there are more of them to find; Kai assumes that if he knew where they were, he'd have arranged for them to meet already. He's prone to doing that.
That said, Lu Han's been showing markedly more restraint since the Don Corneo affair. They've had little privacy since then; when Lu Han emerges from his orb, it's usually for a battle rather than to spend quality time with his master and most of their conversations in front of the others have been purely practical in nature.
They've also been spoken aloud, on both sides. Kai prefers not to carry on a one-sided conversation with Lu Han where the others might hear, and when he does succeed in achieving time alone, Lu Han's doing a better job of staying out of his head. It's better that way, Kai thinks, because the last thing he wants to do is hurt his Summon, but some of his thoughts these days are not the most flattering.
Not the most flattering...but at least they're his own.
At the moment they're not terribly positive, although admittedly that has more to do with the bad weather than with Lu Han. Their latest job happens to be a simple search-and-destroy - a request from a mining company whose workers keep ending up as snacks for a giant serpent near the mythril mines - and it's raining so hard Kai actually wishes he'd been to the mines before so he could teleport ahead. The only reason they're doing this now is because the rain's not due to let up for another two days and their client can't afford to lose any more miners. It's a miserable ride.
"Any sign of the serpent?" Kai calls out to Kris, who's riding in the lead.
"All I see is a giant wall of water!" Kris shouts back, not bothering to turn his head. "It's supposed to be thirty feet tall; I don't think we're going to miss it!"
Kai agrees that this sounds unlikely to happen. Between the heavy rain and the wind blowing his bangs into his eyes, his vision is unusually limited, but a giant serpent over five times his height should be impossible to miss. He's given up on trying to keep his hood tied over his hair. If he's going to get soaked, he might as well do it thoroughly. He can always teleport himself somewhere warm and dry afterwards - although that wouldn't be fair to the others, and he'd have to count on them to take his chocobo back to Midgar.
Riding next to Kai, Lay comments, "Isn't it getting dark rather early?"
"Dark?" Kai realises a shadow has fallen across his vision - what little he can see is now gloomier than before. It's only mid-morning. He looks up, expecting to see fierce black storm clouds...only to find a monster serpent looming over them from behind.
"Kris!" he yells. "Turn around!"
Kris guides his chocobo into a tight turn and rides back to them, by which time Kai and Lay have come to a halt and are staring up at what the miners have said is called 'Midgar Zolom'. It's an ugly beast: greenish-grey scales as far as the eye can see along the great coils of its body - coils large enough to crush them all, if they're unlucky enough to be caught. Enormous fangs threaten them from above; Kai can't see clearly but he thinks they have to be at least as long as his arm. If one stabs him anywhere but the mythril in his gauntlets, it'll go straight through his body - and even mythril might be insufficient to protect him this time.
At Kris's signal, they separate as planned. Lay takes the reins of their three chocobos and ties them to a tree, while Kai runs in the opposite direction, relying on his teleportation to keep him out of danger while he acts as a diversion. The serpent can't take them all out at once if they don't stick together and with Kai constantly flashing in and out of sight, he'll confuse it enough for Kris to approach it from behind. It's the only way they're even going to make a dent in this thing unless they use their Summons, and with the number of monsters on the increase, they'd rather hold out on their own for as long as possible, to keep their Summons for the most dire of situations.
This might turn out to be one of them. Kai's vision blurs as much from the teleporting as the rain as he weaves back and forth across the monster's line of sight, but he's still distantly aware of Kris, enormous broadsword clutched in both hands, approaching the tower of coils. The serpent's body is thicker than the blade is wide. Kris has his work cut out for him.
The next thirty seconds are a whirlwind of motion, every event a series of eyeblinks. A long, dripping fang makes a lunge at Kai. He vanishes, blinking back into place several feet away. Chocobos now secure, Lay skips nimbly up to the serpent and tosses a Bolt Plume at its back, adding a flash of lightning to the wind and rain. The serpent rears up, hissing, smoking from its scorched skin.
They never have many magical items, only what they can find, buy, or accept in payment, and without Bolt materia of their own they can't make more of the Bolt Plumes. It's not enough. But it's all they've got.
A second Bolt Plume has lightning crackling along the monster's tail. Kris swoops in with his sword, slashing across the weakened spot with a broad stroke that slices halfway through the long, thick body, sending a shower of black blood out to mingle with the rain as it soaks into the ground. The serpent twists, almost splitting itself in two as it turns to sink its fangs into its attacker. Kris can't move, his sword still stuck in a mound of monstrous flesh.
Kai winks into existence beside him, waving his hands at Midgar Zolom to attract its attention. When he's sure he's got it he teleports a few feet away, enough to draw the serpent's focus from the man slicing it up with a sword, forcing it to turn ever so slightly. He keeps teleporting, a little at a time. Maybe it'll twist itself completely in two if he keeps going. He counts himself lucky to be in front; Kris is little more than a black smear against the sky, painted with blood as he savages the serpent.
One more jump, and then another. Kai's almost at Kris and Midgar Zolom can barely move, sluggish from blood loss. Even Lay dares to approach now, staff at the ready to help Kris pull his sword free. Kai circles them both, leading the monster in a merry dance around its own corpse...
...And then it's over. Kris slumps to the ground, sword beside him, paying no heed to the blood and rain. Lay quietly checks him over for damage, then examines what he can reach of the serpent.
"It's dead," he assures them.
Kai sees no reason to doubt him. There aren't many creatures who could still attack them with only half a body, blood and gore seeping into the soggy ground, one once-deadly fang driven like a stake into the earth after its owner's collapse.
"How many Bolt Plumes do we have left?" he asks Lay.
"Those were the last two." Lay pats his bag. "We might not be able to buy any more for a while. There seems to be a run on them in Midgar."
"Then let's see if we can find a Bolt materia in the shops," Kris says, hauling himself to his feet with a hand from Lay. "Better not to have to rely on anyone else for them."
That holds true for most things in life, Kai's found. Don't depend on anyone else to get what you need, because chances are good they'll let you down. And as for what you want - well, actually wanting things and having any hope of being able to have them, that's a relatively new turn of events for Kai.
What he wants right now - and the others probably do too - is a hot bath and dry clothes. A hot meal can wait until later, when he has something before his eyes other than a giant snake being bisected.
There's no way they can transport the body back to their client as proof, but it's certainly not going anywhere and they can ride out themselves if they feel the need to check. At any rate, their miners won't be stolen away as lunch anymore. That's a pretty good sign of a job well done.
Riding back to Midgar is just as miserable as the outbound trip. No one even attempts to talk, but at least they know where they're going. They're not looking for anything.
So of course, that's when something finds them.
Kai's never seen anything like it. It might be a giant bush, albeit of a shade unmatched by any of the surrounding greenery, save the giant green tentacles that extend every which way from its body, constantly waving a deadly hello in their direction. There isn't much of a body, without them - but in the centre of the mess is an enormous mouth, filled with long, yellow teeth. They grow at every angle, forming a great, gaping circle inside thick, filthy lips; opening, closing, hungry for prey.
In the lead, Kris slows first and pulls to the side, trying to ride around, but the tentacles stretch out to block him. The creature is constantly in motion. With no eyes, no face, Kai can't compare it to anything he's fought before. There's a pit of fear swirling around in his belly, as deep and dark as the monster's mouth. If they remain still, the tentacles will reach for them and then they'll be popped in that gaping maw, chewed by those giant teeth, swallowed down into emptiness. It terrifies him more than anything he's ever encountered. He wants so badly to teleport to safety...but he can't leave the others alone with that creature. He won't.
"Keep out of range," Kris says wearily. His shoulders are drooping now, Kai notices. Sawing a giant serpent in half has really taken it out of him. "We'll have to use Summons. Ba-"
Before Kris can finish calling Baekhyun, a wave of hot, putrid air emerges from the monster's mouth, rolling towards them at such speed that none of them are able to avoid it. For a moment Kai can't see. Can't hear. Can't breathe. He's inside a filthy cloud of smog, desperate for a breath of fresh, clean air. Instead he gets a lungful of rancid meat and diseased flesh, of industrial smoke and polluted seawater, enough to have him doubled over in the saddle, choking and spluttering as he tries to cough it all up.
It won't go. Kai tumbles from his chocobo, falling into the endless black cloud. Even the shock of hitting the ground can't shake him free. The fog has taken root not only in his body but in his mind, muddying his thoughts, hiding the truth.
He's hurt. He's in pain, somewhere. He's sick and frightened and confused. He wants to get up, to run away from the thing that's making him like this, but which way is up? Where can he go?
He rubs his eyes, trying to clear his vision. There's a small green frog hopping up and down near a squawking white chocobo, a yellow chocobo running around in panicked circles, and a second yellow chocobo carrying a young man coughing silently into his hands. There's also some kind of giant bush, with teeth and tentacles. One of these creatures is responsible for the way he feels now, he knows that.
But which one?
That man. It must be him. He probably wants Kai all malleable and disoriented so he can steal him away and lock him up forever. He's carrying a staff; if he's openly carrying a weapon like that he can't be trusted. Kai runs towards him, draws back a fist, and sends him flying in the direction of the frog.
That frog. It hops aside to avoid getting squished. They must be in cahoots, man and amphibian. Kai has to kill them both.
The man's on his feet now, mouth moving soundlessly. Kai thinks he's mouthing the words of a spell. There's materia in his staff. It must be so he can use magic against Kai. That's the only explanation that makes sense. Kai moves in for the kill but the man dodges, reaching into his bag for something he flings at the frog. In a puff of air, a tall blond man replaces the frog on the ground. Damn. This one will take more work than squashing a frog.
"Lay!" the blond shouts. "What's wrong with him?"
The other man waves one hand in a shrug while digging frantically in his bag with the other. He must be looking for a weapon. Kai wrenches the bag away from him, neatly evading the kick that comes his way. They won't get him. He has to escape before they manage to capture him. He can do this. It's all a haze but he knows he can do this. Teleport. He can take himself away to safety, where no one will ever find him.
Far away from here...but where can he go? He can't picture a safe place in his mind. He's been places before - when was that? Where has he been? Is anywhere truly safe? He reaches for images in his head, only to have them die half-formed. All he can see is what's right before his eyes so he casts a glance behind his opponents. There's space there, and in a heartbeat he's occupying it.
The man called Lay has his bag back now. He presses an item from it into his own chest and Kai knows things have just become more dangerous when it appears that the enforced silence no longer applies: Lay calls, "Kris! I think he's confused!"
Confused? Oh yes, Kai is confused, all right. About which one of them he has to kill first. But given the choice between attacking a man wielding a broadsword and a man wielding a staff, perhaps it's not so confusing after all.
Kai launches himself at Kris, teleporting in close and rolling low to kick his legs out from beneath him. He jaunts away again before Lay's outstretched hands can close in. That's it. Enough darting in and out, he can take them down without being hit himself. Then when it's truly safe, he can take a moment to figure out where he is and where he needs to be.
If only he could think straight! Kris and Lay look so familiar, but that's poor consolation when they're the enemy. He has to stop them.
He successfully strikes twice at Lay before another man suddenly appears, this one also blond but wearing a suit of armour. Startled, Kai blinks out and in on the spot. Where did the new man come from, and whose side is he on?
"That's a Malboro!" the new arrival shouts. "Kill it before it attacks you again, or you could all end up confused!"
"Got it!" Kris yells back. "What about Kai?"
"Leave him to me!"
That settles it - everyone here is Kai's enemy. Everyone's out to get him. He has no friends, no one to turn to for help, no one to trust. He's utterly alone. It's an old, familiar feeling, almost comfortable in its desolation. Why should today be any different from the rest of his life?
The armoured man says something quietly to Lay, that Kai can't catch, and then vanishes as suddenly as he'd arrived. Kai has no time to ponder on it. His enemies are multiplying now. Kris calls out "Baekhyun!" and yet another man appears, this one sleek and suave in a white suit. He holds no weapon but Kai can sense he's dangerous. Kris is looking at him expectantly. They must've called him in because they can't catch Kai themselves.
Well, he's not going to stand around and let that happen. He teleports again, placing himself right behind the newcomer, and reaches for his neck.
A blinding white light burns his eyes, wiping out his vision entirely. Everything disappears. The three men, the chocobos, the giant tentacle-bush creature. The flash of brilliance gives way to pitch darkness and then Kai's falling backwards, limbs heavy as stone, mind lost to sightless, soundless fear. He's going to die and there's nothing he can do about it.
"You're not going to die," says a voice from somewhere behind him. "I won't let that happen. The Malboro confused you and now you're not thinking straight. I can help. Will you let me help?"
No one can help. Letting someone help means placing his trust in them, and Kai has no trust to give. "You want to hurt me too," he says, rough voice reflecting the scars on his soul. "I'm not letting you in."
"But you already have."
The armoured man appears before him, a single spot of blond and silver against the darkness before the armour dissolves into blue jeans and a black T-shirt advertising some story Kai's never heard of. He's the one speaking now, asking for trust, and Kai feels like he knows him from somewhere. Perhaps they've gone a few rounds before, or perhaps it's another trick. A man who can morph like that could have all kinds of secrets hidden beneath his armour. Secrets to blind the eyes and bind the brain.
"I'm Lu Han," the stranger says simply. "You know me."
"I don't know you at all!"
Even as he screams the words, Kai can feel they're not strictly true. Lu Han's no stranger to him, but at the same time, he can't say he knows him. Which of them knows the truth?
Lu Han smiles sadly. "That's partly true. What if I were to show you who I am? Would you trust me then?"
"I can't trust anyone." Kai hugs himself, afraid that if he doesn't cling to something solid, he'll lose his grip entirely in this empty black wasteland. There's nothing here but the two of them. No hope, no salvation.
"You don't trust easily," Lu Han says. "I think you might've, if you'd grown up differently, but you're smart to be cautious. Your world is a dangerous place. It can confuse you, make you feel threatened even when you're safe. That's what's happening to you now."
"It's not safe here."
"Then let's go somewhere else. Give me your hand."
"You might chop it off," Kai protests.
Lu Han spreads his own hands wide. "See? No weapons. I'm not going to hurt you."
"You wouldn't tell me even if you were."
"Oh, but I would." Lu Han gives him a secretive smile. "If you wanted me to hurt you, I would. But I'd tell you what I was doing."
There's a flash deep in the darkness: a feeling of loneliness, the pain of antiseptic applied to freshly bleeding thighs, a resolve to become stronger. They all burn inside, churned with bitterness and fear. "I don't want to be hurt again," Kai mumbles. "I won't let it happen."
"If you don't trust me not to hurt you, then fix it so I can't," Lu Han suggests. "We're standing on the edge of your mind right now, while your friends guard your body. You can do whatever you like in here. Then when you feel safe, I'll take you inside."
"Why should I let you inside my head? That's private!"
Kai's not used to having much, so he recalls, but his thoughts are his own. They have to be. No matter how bad things are on the outside, he's safe in his own head. This not-stranger has no right to go there with him.
"Because I can't help you if you won't let me." Lu Han reaches out with both hands, stopping short a few inches from contact. "Won't you let me in?"
Those hands could be there to strangle him. To sink fingers deep into his flesh, to bruise tender, vulnerable skin, to score bloody red lines down his arms. Kai knows his body's limitations better than anyone else. He knows how hard he can push himself before he breaks. He won't let anyone push him that far.
Lu Han could. Kai seizes his hands, fingers wrapped around wrists, and Lu Han simply lets him without a word of fuss. If Kai has control here, then he can render the other man helpless. Keep himself safe. The mythril in his gauntlets begins to smoke, sending clouds of silver creeping down his arm and along his fingers until they curl around Lu Han's wrists, solidifying into hard bands of metal, linked with a double loop to keep both hands locked together.
Kai doesn't expect the bonds to be real, not in his imagination, but when he taps them the metal rings out beneath his fingernails. He drops Lu Han's hands, shocked by himself.
"Feel safer now?" Lu Han asks, seemingly unconcerned by his new accessories. Kai remembers how he'd morphed the armour, and wonders if Lu Han can shed the cuffs so easily. He has every reason to sound casual, then.
But the cuffs stay on, whether Lu Han's bothered about them or not, which makes Kai feel marginally more secure. Really, what he needs is for Lu Han to be swathed in chains, utterly immobile. But Kai suspects Lu Han would have no problem taking him to pieces without any use of his body whatsoever, so why make an empty gesture any more elaborate than it needs to be?
"Show me," he demands, ignoring Lu Han's question. "Show me yourself."
"I told you: not here. You're barely on the fringes; almost awake. You need to go deep inside and look for the knowledge of yourself that's sleeping there. I'll help you."
Lu Han reaches for him with cuffed hands; Kai knocks them away. Touch makes it harder to ignore, harder to forget. He'll not fall prey to that particular trap again. He folds his arms across his chest and stands back, stance a warning to anyone looking to approach. He will stand strong...and alone.
"Follow me," Lu Han says, walking off. Kai's not sure of his destination; there is nothing to break up the solid darkness, no light to guide them on their way.
Nothing changes as they walk. Kai should feel like a guard escorting a prisoner; instead he feels as though he's being taken on a journey by his pretty, deadly tour guide, whose power Kai can feel thrumming through the air between them. He knows its flavour. Playful. Smiling. Certain death. Lu Han's wearing the cuffs, but Kai's the one who's bound.
"We're walking round in circles," he complains when he's had enough of the unchanging inky landscape. "There's nothing here."
"Your head isn't so empty," Lu Han says, smiling. "But you're hiding from yourself. I can't see anything here until you acknowledge that it exists."
There's fog strewn through Kai's memories, concealing patches, swirling one into another until the grey haze that remains represents only fragments of his past, drifting free from order and organisation. He has hidden, he remembers. Hiding his body from the gangs who would recruit him, hiding his mind from the unsubtle pawing of customers at the Honey Bee Inn. To be in plain sight is to make himself vulnerable, to risk getting hurt - if he opens himself now and lets Lu Han inside, will he ever be safe again?
"I've been there before," Lu Han says. "You're too muddled to remember, but the next layer down is where your surface thoughts live, and I visit often. I talk to you from there. I haven't been deeper - I won't go deeper without your permission. Your memories are your own, even the ones involving me."
Memories of Lu Han. Sparkling laughter, a scimitar gleaming blue in the sunlight, hands that caress as readily as they kill. Kai questions them all. Nothing's certain. There's only one way to find out the truth.
The moment he accepts it, the ground falls away beneath them.
To fall, one must have both a point of origin and a destination. A start and a finish. Kai starts to fall, but there's nowhere to go. He remains still while reality rearranges itself around him, darkness replaced by tall grey walls, too high for him to see over, too wide to see around. When the walls settle Kai lands on his feet again, Lu Han beside him.
"It's not normally this...grey." Lu Han looks around. "Your brain has been doing some redecorating."
"Where is this?"
"I don't know. Shall we find out?"
They turn the corner together, only to find more walls stretching out to infinity, forming paths in opposite directions with no indication of where they lead. Taking the left is a purely arbitrary choice. It leads them to another junction, and when Kai looks back, thinking to retrace their steps, the path has already shifted into a new configuration.
"A maze," Lu Han says thoughtfully. "Your confused state must be responsible for this."
Nothing looks familiar. Kai wants to shrink in on himself, to curl up next to one of the endless walls because then at least he knows where he is - here. If he moves, he loses that, and he's not sure he can deal with the loss right now.
Lu Han has to raise both hands to pat Kai on the shoulder. "It's a good thing I like solving puzzles."
What Lu Han doesn't mention is whether or not he's any good at it. Kai doesn't know how long they walk for, but they don't seem to be getting anywhere, venturing down blind alleys that become junctions as they turn around, never finding anything that resembles either a heart or an exit. With each second that passes, Kai becomes more and more convinced that Lu Han is here to trick him, to trap him, to lose him in this cold grey maze forever.
And yet he keeps walking, because there's nothing else he can do.
Eventually, Lu Han calls a halt. "This is getting us nowhere. I don't think your mind will let us see what's beyond the walls unless you choose to drop them."
Kai shrugs. "I'm not doing anything."
"Not consciously, but your defenses are the highest I've ever seen them. Do you remember that you blocked me out, once? Even then, you didn't have an impossible maze in here." Lu Han holds his bound hands outstretched; a ghost in Kai's heart wants to reach for him and he shoves the impulse away. "I'm going to show you something. Maybe you'll trust me more if you can stop thinking of me as a stranger."
"I don't-" Kai begins, only to have his thoughts scattered by an image. It's nothing he's seen before. Perhaps it's Lu Han's.
There he is, Lu Han standing before a mirror, checking his hair. He's not dressed for battle here; if anything, he's dressed for bed, in fuzzy, deer-print pyjamas. Someone crosses behind him in the mirror. Another familiar face, though the name escapes Kai for the moment. This one evokes memories of frozen diamonds, hard and cold, but a smile warm enough to melt them all.
"That's Minseok," Lu Han says. "My roommate. I told you before that we lived together. Me, Minseok, Baekhyun, Kyungsoo and Zitao. What I didn't tell you was where."
The scene changes. There's a bookshop, with a familiar face working the counter - Baekhyun, the one Kris had called outside. He's smiling at the two girls he's serving, not destroying the world with blinding white light. The shop's filled with strangers, filled with cases of books and sunlight through the windows. It's a million miles away from the maze.
"In my world, Minseok and I run a bookshop," Lu Han explains. "The city we live in is similar to Junon, if that helps. Do you remember Junon? You lived there for a while, after you met me."
Kai knows the name. Water and giant canons and a Dark Dragon on the roof of City Hall. "By the sea?"
"That's right." Lu Han's praise is warm, not quite patronising. "Junon's on the coast. We're not there now, though. You're staying in Midgar at the moment."
Midgar, which Kai can only find in scraps of bad memories. The name covers his arms in gooseflesh, a reflection of the chill creeping through his body with the harsh, bitter wind of remembrance.
"I found you in Midgar." Lu Han's voice, steady and soothing, is a comforting wall between Kai and his past; Kai wants to lean on it and accept the support offered - but he can't. "And you found me. I couldn't tell you much at first because I thought it would be too confusing for you."
"And this is supposed to be better?" Kai snaps. "Like I'm not confused now? Who are you to make that choice for me?"
"Just someone who cares."
The bookshop fades out, replaced by a still image of a pack of wolves. There's a special name for them, but Kai's lost it in the fog.
"Kalm Fangs," Lu Han says. "The first monsters I ever killed. I wasn't even fifteen yet, the first time I found myself in your world. I thought I was going to die. We don't have them where I'm from. No monsters and no magic - that's the difference between our worlds."
Kai tries to picture a teenaged Lu Han, scared and alone, unarmed and armourless, forced to fight for his life in a strange new world. It's an oddly endearing thought, one that crosses the divide between them, brings Lu Han down to Kai's level and puts them on a more even footing. Lu Han's shorter and slighter, though clearly athletic, and Kai wonders how much of the muscle adding curves to his sleeves is due to fights. Are they alike, in that way? Becoming stronger to protect themselves?
"But you survived."
Lu Han nods. "I think I have a purpose, when I'm in your world, and that guides me in what I do. But it doesn't give me all the answers."
The Kalm Fangs swirl away, leaving the walls behind. As Kai watches, the wall directly in front of him shrinks to half its height. He still can't see over, but it's a start.
"Let me show you something else," Lu Han says. "You might recognise this next one."
Kai does, because it's himself, seen through Lu Han's eyes. He watches himself being held, being embraced with infinite tenderness, arms settling slowly around his body while he laughs, while he...loves? He's looking at Lu Han with trust in his eyes. Kai didn't even think he was capable of that, not anymore. Trust is for people who've never been hurt.
"You used to look at me like that," Lu Han says quietly. "It's been a little while."
"I can't believe I'd look at anyone like that," Kai says. What Lu Han's showing him has to be a lie. "I don't trust people enough. It's too dangerous."
Beneath his trousers, his thighs are burning; each individual stripe torn into his skin has its own frequency of pain and he feels them all at once. He remembers them being healed by a customer, before he ever met Lu Han. How he came by them in the first place is a memory he'd rather sacrifice to the fog. Physical scars may heal, but phantom pain is never far away.
"Everything we do carries a risk - it's up to you whether or not you think the risk is worth it. Personally," Lu Han breaks into a grin, "I think it is. I can't remember how we met, or how long we've been together. My dreams haven't shown me that much. But it doesn't matter to me, because I've seen enough to know we've walked this path together before. That gives me hope we can make it work again. You remember hope? It's that thing you don't always allow yourself to have."
For Kai, 'hope' falls into the same category as 'trust'. If he wants something, he knows he has to work to achieve it himself. He can't rely on anyone else to help. Empty hopes are as disappointing as misplaced trust, and when it comes right down to it he's unwilling to put himself through that again. He'll walk alone as he searches for himself. It's safer that way.
"You're not alone." Lu Han plucks his thought from the air, a half-formed image falling in fragments, multicoloured snowflakes that make up a torn picture. "You don't have to be. Not anymore. You will always have me, I promise you. You've got friends out there who are looking after you too. There are even more you haven't met yet, ones I haven't met either. We'll find them together."
"How can you be so sure?" Kai asks bitterly. Part of him would like very much to believe Lu Han isn't the enemy, because it's hard to reconcile the image of them cuddling with someone wanting to stab him in the back.
Then again, it wouldn't be the first time.
"I could say that it's because we've found others, and I think that with that as a precedent it's likely we'll find more. I could say that it's because it's our destiny or something, and we can't escape it. But," Lu Han says, "it's really much simpler than that. It's because I found you."
Kai doesn't usually have the luxury of indulging in such shameless sap. Lu Han appears amused by his own words, too. What Kai remembers of their connection involves more in the way of actions than soppy declarations about their feelings, whatever they might've been. Feelings don't have much to do with business transactions, Kai trading the only currency he has for what he needs.
But that's not what he has with Lu Han, is it? He wishes he had the full picture. His thoughts fall around them like rain; millions of tiny drops splashing him with memories.
There's a puddle starting to form at his feet. He crouches down to look at the picture shimmering on the surface. It's himself in the mirror, warming up at the barre, his teacher casting a shadow behind him. He stomps in the puddle the moment he recognises the memory. Childish of him, perhaps, but he doesn't want to look. He hopes Lu Han didn't notice.
"Nice tights," Lu Han says, proving that Kai should never, ever, hope for anything because he clearly won't get it. "Was that when you were still learning ballet?"
"Yeah." Kai swallows thickly, trying to rid himself of the emotions threatening to clog his throat. Old memories, bad memories. He's over them. "Yeah, that was a long time ago."
"I thought you loved dancing? You don't sound like it."
Kai does love dancing. What he doesn't love is what he's had to do in order to learn, and what it's done to him. Lu Han's heard about some of it. He doesn't need to know the rest.
"Show me?" Lu Han's getting impatient. "If you're thinking about it now, it's obviously relevant."
"It doesn't matter," Kai says. "I told you, it was a long time ago."
"You're looking for your past. Don't you think it's about time you started opening your eyes to it?"
"I'm looking for the stuff I don't remember, not the stuff I don't want to remember."
"Keep your eyes closed and you won't see anything at all."
Maybe that would be better, Kai thinks. Live his life solely in the here and now, forget that there's something nagging at the edge of his consciousness. But letting go of his experiences would make him someone else, and he's not sure he's willing to throw himself away completely.
He bites down on his lower lip, not trusting his mouth to expel words in his favour. It doesn't normally.
With a sigh, Lu Han leans down to capture Kai's hand between his own bound ones, the cuffs forcing his fingers into a fumbling, clumsy grasp - nothing like the grace and surety Kai remembers from the battlefield. Lu Han's not this awkward. Lu Han's forever moving forward, fearless.
Only now...he seems hesitant. "I'll show you my worst memory if you show me yours. Sound fair?"
"Why?"
"Because you need to trust someone and I figure maybe if I trust you with myself, you'll reciprocate?"
Kai keeps silent. The thick grey fog blanketing his mind is slowly thinning out; the clarity it leaves behind is less than welcome. He's still confused, but now the indecision is his own. He's still hazy on the details. What he does remember, only too clearly, is that Lu Han's origins are too much of a mystery to him. There's too much he doesn't know, and that's no way to keep himself safe.
In the end, he realises there's no choice, not really. Neither of them should be here, but they're not going anywhere with these walls still standing tall and no clear path in sight. Something has to give.
"Okay," he says slowly. "Show me."
Lu Han's fingers tighten around his; Kai can't help but squeeze back.
Grey walls fading out would be a welcome change of scenery, were it not for their replacement. Kai knows this place. He never wants to see it again.
Gaudy yellow and black décor is the norm at Midgar's Honey Bee Inn, where good taste is something reserved for a better class of establishment and dressing like a flying insect is not only a fashion statement, it's the rule. But only for the Bees, of course - the pretty young things who spend their shifts servicing the customers, indulging their every desire provided they can pay.
Kai's three months of working there had been for one reason only: to find himself a Lu Han. It certainly hadn't been for love of the job. He's done better, he's done worse. Work is work, and that particular job had been a necessary evil, something that's now over and done with, a piece of his past mostly filled with boredom and despondency, with a little humiliation thrown in. He'd chosen it himself; he couldn't complain. He's a big boy. He's not afraid to make his bed and lie in it - or rather, lie in one of the Inn's beds, which rarely stayed made for long.
It's not the sort of place Kai would ever visit on his own account and at the time, having never felt any sort of interest in the proceedings, he'd wondered what it was like for the customers, who presumably wanted things. He'd never expected to find out, but he's looking through a customer's eyes now.
Lu Han's eyes.
It jolts him to realise it's not just a flat, two dimensional image he's watching - if he listens closely, he can hear the chatter of people behind him, and the bland, pseudo-romantic music piped through the Inn's speakers. Not only that, but he's picking up on Lu Han's feelings, too: not so much individual thoughts as general impressions, but it's clear Lu Han's not concentrating properly. His mind's wandering, so Kai lets his wander with it.
Impatient. Bored. Curious. Anyone new today?
"I thought about showing you...well, I thought of a lot of things I could show you." Lu Han's voice provides the soundtrack. "But this was simultaneously one of the best and one of the worst moments of my life."
Kai's pretty sure that's cheating. Nevertheless, he's curious about why that should be the case. He watches the view change, as the Lu Han in the memory skims through the selection on offer. Pretty boys, pretty girls, pretty young things whose appearance gives nothing away about what might await a customer beneath their tiny yellow shorts. Lu Han's meanderings begin to form cohesive thoughts in Kai's mind.
She's not bad but it seems she's booked solid today. Nice hair; I wonder where he gets it done? Hmm, this one looks like he's just a kid - not going there!
"My master at the time collected materia but never used it himself," Lu Han says. "You must've seen his collection, in that vest he always wore. So he never called any of us out - annoying, because it meant we couldn't look for any of you."
"He had other Summons," Kai recalls.
"Yeah, and it didn't make any difference to the others. But I don't have to be summoned, so when I knew he wouldn't miss me, I sneaked out." Lu Han grins, a sparkle of mischief that suits him better than halting patience. "I couldn't go that far from my orb, but it still gave me a chance to look around, and the Honey Bee Inn was close, you know? And it was...kind of difficult to hook up with anyone, between the bookshop and everything else. Our worlds use the same money; I'd always bring some gil across with me so I could afford the fees."
Lu Han's speaking far too casually of his brothel-going habits for Kai to take it seriously as a bad time in his life. "Sounds like a real hardship."
"Keep watching."
The view shifts away from the front desk, deeper into the foyer, where a male Bee is coming out to greet his next customer. Kai sees himself again, wearing those terrible, skimpy, yellow and black clothes with the translucent wings attached. Not his best look. He recognises his own fake smile, the one that kept the customers and his bosses satisfied, that didn't involve any actual joy on his part. He knows how bright his eyes can be when he's truly happy, and he knows that the eyes in Lu Han's memory are nothing but a poor reflection.
Isn't that... It might be. What's he doing here?
"This is the first time I saw you in person, in your world," Lu Han says. "I'd been seeing your face in my dreams for years and I knew, after a while, that we'd known each other before. Intimately."
"That's not fair," Kai says, frustrated. "I didn't know anything about you before we met, except about your skills as a Summon. I'm not having any useful dreams."
"I think you will, in time. Don't worry about it; you can't force yourself."
But that appears to be exactly what Kai's doing, at the Inn - feigning compliance, pretending his customer strikes some sort of magical chord within him that'll have him panting and eager before too long. There's nothing wrong with his equipment. Provide enough physical stimulation and he can get through it just fine. However, there's a giant chasm between wanting and doing, and Kai had never successfully bridged it.
Not until Lu Han.
"I get why this counts as one of the best moments." Kai's trying not to snap. "So you saw me. Great. What's so tragic about it?"
He gets his answer in Lu Han's thoughts, which fly past him in a frantic, babbling stream.
it's really him - he's with someone - can i talk to him - what's his name - the picture on the wall says kai - who's kai - i don't know him - he doesn't know me - none of the others knew me - how long have i got - it's not long enough - what should i do - i want to see him - i have to see him - i need to be here but i can't be here - i have to follow him - what if he won't talk to me - what if he hates me - he can't hate me he doesn't know me - he's so beautiful but he doesn't look happy - can i make him happy - why am i tied to this stupid orb - why can't i be free to go with him - master across the street - orb too far away - can't carry it - why do i belong to someone else - want to take him away from here but he has to take me away - stupid materia
Lu Han's fingers stroke his wrist, heavy enough not to tickle. "Follow my memories, and you'll know."
"If I'd just looked across the foyer..." Kai muses.
"You wouldn't have recognised me," Lu Han says gently. "Not unless you'd known what I looked like, seen me summoned by someone else; and if you had, we'd have found each other already."
Kai sees himself leading his customer away as the image dissolves into drops. Raindrops, teardrops. His eyes sting when he tries to put himself in Lu Han's place, watching his chance disappear into one of the pleasure rooms, perhaps forever.
master has to come here with materia - must persuade him to come - must tell him kai's his type - he likes beautiful things - kai's beautiful - kai's mine - but who's kai - name doesn't matter - it's him - it's always him
"It took some time for me to persuade my master he needed to get laid. I..." Lu Han has the decency to look faintly ashamed of himself. "I recommended you. Told him you'd fit right in with his collection of beautiful things. I thought I could come out and talk to you while he was in the shower or something, get you to steal the orb from him. Turns out I didn't have to."
"Risky plan."
"Risky plan," Lu Han agrees. "I didn't know if you'd even want to hear anything I said. But I had to try it. There are things I have to do - things we have to do - and I would've given up on the whole lot just to be with you again. To hear you laugh, to see you smile at me when I walk in the room. I only have flashes of things from before and I wanted us to fill in the gaps together."
i can do this - i can bring us together - but what if he finds out i did it - should i tell him - what if it scares him away - what if he thinks i'll manipulate him too - what if he thinks i'm a bad person - what if he runs away - what if he leaves me behind - how do i find him again - what if i never find him again - i don't want to lose him - what if i do the wrong thing - i'm so scared i'll drive him away
Hearing the thoughts accompanying the image, Kai finally understands. It's not this memory that Lu Han wants him to see. It's the emotions that accompany it, the things they don't say to each other - the risk and the reward, the promise of finding each other and the pain if it all goes wrong. Kai's not used to Lu Han being uncertain, worried about whether or not he's doing the right thing. He's never shared those fears before. Sharing them now makes it easier for Kai to remember Lu Han's human too - one with unusual abilities, in this world, but just like him, for all that. Not an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful god. Lu Han's vulnerable too.
There's a crack from behind them - a wall splitting in half. Between the lurching grey towers of stone, a clear path emerges. Kai doesn't know if it'll take them out, or further into his mind, but he boldly steps forward onto it anyway. He doesn't let go of Lu Han's hand.
"You're remembering," Lu Han comments as they walk, close together because of the cuffs and their interlinked fingers, through the storm of memory droplets. "From before the Malboro attacked you. Look, the pieces are fitting back together."
He points with his chin at a waterfall taking shape over on the left. It's not water falling in a constant stream but images, now free from the grey haze. Lu Han carrying an injured Kai over the edge of a roof despite his fear of heights. A purple-black collar, even now a comfortable presence around Kai's neck. The chocobo stable where they'd first met, Kai worried that he'd just called up a Summon to wipe out all the chocobos, Lu Han a vision in armour, desperately trying to pierce Kai's exhaustion and terror to tell him he was safe.
No one can ever be truly safe - Kai knows that now. But it's okay to believe the lie for a little while.
He knows what's waiting for him at the end of the path. It won't be pretty; nevertheless, Lu Han deserves to see it. It's part of Kai, after all.
The waterfall feeds memories into the darkness until they're surrounded by walls of images, pieces of the past, and the blackness is no more. There's one last thing to see, at the very end of the path.
"I have...things I don't want to remember," Kai says, awkward because he's not sure how to explain himself.
"So I noticed," Lu Han says drily. "Take your time."
He does, letting the memories surface and begin to take shape before them. One from earlier reappears: a ballet lesson, Kai with the shadow of his teacher behind him. Lu Han needs to see it all, not just through Kai's eyes, so Kai fills in the rest of the picture for him.
"My second ballet teacher." The picture expands to show a man's silhouette, all long limbs and graceful motions as he teaches an adoring class. "I was younger then. Naive. It wasn't the first time I'd traded sex for something I wanted; I knew - I thought I knew - what I was getting into."
The other students disappear, leaving Kai dancing with a silhouette. A 'private lesson'. His teacher catches him around the waist, drawing him close. This is no traditional pas de deux; both cease to dance, merely swaying to the music, moving softly in place as their lips meet. The scene darkens.
"It was simple." Kai struggles to keep his voice even. "We had an arrangement. We both knew it wasn't anything personal, but we were...friends, of a sort. I liked him, looked up to him. I trusted him."
Lu Han says nothing, merely gives his fingers a comforting squeeze. This is all in the past, Kai has to tell himself. It doesn't have to wreck the rest of his life. Not anymore.
The new scene takes place not in a studio but in a bedroom, with Kai on his knees before a shadow. Lack of finer detail in no way disguises what's taking place between them: Kai's mouth stretched wide, head bobbing, one hand on his teacher's knee for balance, his teacher's hand stroking his hair. This is by no means new to him, but it's before the novelty's fully worn off - his eyes are still interested, full of life, curious about exploring the sensations. It doesn't take long before the shadow streaks Kai's cheeks with dark, sticky smears, normal colours inverted by whatever part of Kai's mind is working overtime to keep everything about his ballet teacher from Lu Han. Neither face nor name are important. It's the lesson that matters.
The teacher draws him up to the bed to gently wipe away the residue, licking himself from Kai's lips and swallowing down the giggles Kai's still unguarded enough to let slip. There's no love here, but there's sufficient liking for Kai to enjoy himself. He doesn't send his mind away to safety. There's no need. This is as safe as it gets, in the slums, and his teacher's not so much older than him that this feels creepy. He's happy with the arrangement, and learning a lot - in the studio, in the bedroom, and in the scrapyard out back where they spar, sometimes. Kai's teacher tells him he's too young and pretty to walk around Sector 7 unprotected, and insists on finishing what his first ballet teacher started with his combat training.
Kai lies down on the bed, face to the ceiling. He's still dressed from his lesson, sweating from more than just his class, hair mussed and strands sticking to his forehead. Peeling his tights from his legs is the work of seconds.
That's when Lu Han interrupts. "I think you need to see this, but I'm not so sure I do, if you'd rather I didn't watch."
Kai shakes his head. This must be the first time Lu Han's actually tried to spare him from embarrassment. "I know what it looks like, but it's not what you think. You can watch."
He almost regrets his decision when his memory self begins writhing happily under his teacher's kind, steady hands, acquiring experience which had served him well, a little later in life, if not as well as the lesson that comes next. He knows how this ends. Badly. Very badly.
"He's toying with you, isn't he?" Lu Han says, quietly. "You're not on that bed for sex."
"I didn't know that then." Kai sighs, heavy with regret. Anticipation has him weakening at the knees; Lu Han's firm grip on his hand helps to steady him but it's not nearly enough. "I thought it was the same as usual. I never left there feeling like I'd been paying him for anything because we both enjoyed it. He had rough hands, but they were always gentle on me."
It's painful watching himself so open, so trusting. So foolish. He's even got his eyes closed.
That's why he doesn't see the mythril claw until it's dripping with his blood.
Beside him, Lu Han flinches. "Your legs..."
Kai freezes the image. They've seen enough. He's lying there stunned on the bed, bleeding from multiple gashes in both thighs, where his teacher's swiped him with a mythril claw. The pain, he remembers, was secondary to the bewilderment. Pain was an old, familiar friend. Betrayal was not.
The claw dangles from his teacher's hand; blood drops hang suspended in mid-air. Thighs burning from phantom wounds, Kai repeats the last words his teacher ever said to him: "It's for your own good; you have to understand that. Don't be so trusting, especially in a deal where you've got the most to lose by it. You want to survive, don't you? You want to live? Then remember this every time you even think about putting your life in someone else's hands."
Harsh words stick in his throat; there's a bitter ache in his lungs as they refuse to allow him air for such a purpose, but he has to finish. "That was his final lesson for me, and I learned it very well."
"You shouldn't have had to learn it at all."
Lu Han tugs his hands free, raising them to Kai's face. Kai doesn't even realise he's crying until Lu Han's fingers wipe away the slow trickle of tears, smearing moisture across his skin. The angle's awkward with the bonds still in place; Kai thinks about it for a moment and the mythril cuffs vanish. The frozen image - bloody wounds, dripping on bedsheets, face twisted with pain and anguish - also disappears.
Kai's taking great gulps of air, trying to ease the tightness in his chest, but that doesn't stop him walking straight into Lu Han's open arms and clinging for all he's worth. He's no romance novel heroine; he's too tall to bury his face in Lu Han's shirt and let the fabric soak up his tears. He has to settle for dripping and snuffling most unattractively, but it's okay because Lu Han's seen him far worse than this, and it hasn't scared him off.
"It takes more than a few tears to scare me off," Lu Han says, rubbing Kai's back soothingly. "You haven't met Zitao yet. He gets a little emotional sometimes."
"You're skimming my thoughts again."
"I'm standing in the middle of your thoughts," Lu Han points out. "They're mine for the skimming."
Kai holds him tight, unwilling to let go even to give himself space to laugh. It's a quasi-hysterical giggle that emerges, still breathless, thick with emotion. The effects of the Malboro's attack have worn off, Confusion disarmed by Lu Han - not neatly, but with care. That doesn't make Kai any less confused. He trusts Lu Han. He knows he shouldn't trust Lu Han. He knows he shouldn't trust anyone. He'll always be waiting for that stab in the back; or rather, the claws across his thighs.
But that's from one man. Kai's not selling himself to Lu Han. He's got nothing to lose by trusting him, and everything to gain. He's trusted Lu Han with his life so many times now. Trusted him with his body. He's trying to trust him with his heart, too. That's the part that comes hardest. He knows Lu Han's keeping things from him, and that there are things he doesn't know or can't do. Even so...it's better to believe in him, because the alternative is unthinkable.
"I know it's not easy for you." Lu Han's fingers smooth Kai's bangs away from his face. "It's not easy for me, either. I want to be with you all the time, and it's not the same, even knowing I can still talk to you. But I still think it's worth trying. How about you?"
Kai pulls back enough to flash him a watery smile. He's got much better in his arsenal but they'll have to wait until he's no longer blinking moisture from his lashes. Thinking of Lu Han as a regular guy who owns a bookshop and plays football with his roommates and just so happens to cross between worlds to fight monsters is...well, it's weird. There's so much more he wants to know, and he's not sure he'll ever receive any answers.
But those are things about other people, or the different worlds, or about how this whole Summoning business works in general. They can wait. He's learned something important today, and if this is the closest he can come to looking inside Lu Han's heart, it's good enough.
There is something else he'd like to know, though. "How do we get out of here?"
"You might not want to regain consciousness just yet," Lu Han says. "But this is your head. You can wake yourself up."
Kai does, because he thinks Kris and Lay will probably be worried about him - and also, he figures he should apologise for trying to kill them. Lay will probably take it in his stride; Kris, he's not so sure about.
They've already taken their revenge, as it turns out. Kai wakes up to find it's still pouring with rain, and he's tied to his chocobo's back for the ride home.