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“Could you fucking not?” Hiiragi yelled across the studio. He’d just walked back inside after lunch to find Mafuyu sitting on Uenoyama’s lap, their lips locked. He threw his mostly empty bottle of juice across the room, hitting Mafuyu on the shoulder.
Mafuyu whipped his head around, shooting him an irritated look.
Uenoyama grabbed the bottle and launched it back at him. “Don’t throw shit at Mafuyu” he shouted.
“I’m sick of watching you two stick your tongues down each other’s throats” Hiiragi snapped back, just dodging the bottle. Uenoyama had an annoyingly good arm.
“Oh yeah? Gonna stop using Shizusumi as a fucking scratching post in front of me, then?”
Hiiragi flushed. That had only happened like one time. Or two… or three… but that was besides the point. “Don’t make me revoke Mafuyu’s studio privileges!”
Uenoyama slid Mafuyu off of him and scrambled to his feet, hands curling into fists. “No way. If he goes, I go. That was the deal.”
“You don’t get to decide the rules here. You’re not part of the band!”
Shizu sidled into the room, eyes flicking between Hiiragi and Uenoyama. They usually had a spat or two when they had long studio days for SYH, though today the tension between them was undoubtedly dialled up a notch. They’d irritated each other all morning, and it had definitely not helped that at lunch Shizu had told him that the reason they didn’t get along was because they were ‘too similar’. Because honestly, what the fuck?
Mafuyu, now kneeling, glared at him. “It’s been over a year, Hiiragi. You haven’t even tried looking for a different guitarist. Just admit you want him to be part of the band.”
“No way. Session guitarist. That’s all.”
“Why are you being so stubborn about this?” Mafuyu asked. His voice was raised too now. Well, slightly louder than usual, which was as close to yelling as he really got.
Hiiragi wasn’t sure why he was so angry all of a sudden. He was shaking, teeth clenched. They were all pissing him off today, and he could feel his control slipping. “He’s not good enough! For the band… or for you! Because…” There was a small voice, in the back of his head, screaming at him to stop. But he was just so angry… “Because he’s not Yuki!”
Mafuyu’s eyes widened in shock. Hiiragi looked away from him to Uenoyama. He expected a puffed-out chest, an accusatory finger raised in the air, some more shouting. Instead, the man just blinked for a moment, shoulders slumped. “I wasn’t trying to be” he mumbled out, barely audible, looking at his feet. He walked past Hiiragi without looking at him, grabbed his guitar, and then he was gone. The studio door slammed shut behind him. Mafuyu gave Hiiragi one more horrified look and scrambled up onto his feet. He shot out of the room, calling out after his boyfriend.
“Shit” Hiiragi breathed out to himself. He turned to Shizu, whose eyebrows were raised, arms folded across his chest. “Shit” Hiiragi repeated, louder. He’d managed to piss off all two (and a half) people he cared about most in one sentence. He knew Shizu had this weird hang up about Yuki, call it envy or jealously or whatever. But he hadn’t really been able to speak to him about it since they’d become a couple. This was not going to help. “Shizu… I’m sorry…”
Shizu merely shrugged, taking his seat behind the drums. “I’m not the one you need to apologise to.”
Hiiragi blinked back some tears. Why was this so difficult? “I’m going for a walk.” He turned on his heel and stalked out of the studio and onto the street.
The bustle of the city streets swept him along, lost in his thoughts. He stepped off the main road and down a side street, seeking out the little park with a shrine he knew was hidden around the corner. The trees in that area always brought the temperature down a few degrees, and he could let the screams of the cicadas drown out his racing thoughts for a moment. He sank onto a bench, head in hands, fighting not to cry in public.
~~~
Some twenty minutes later, when he had managed to calm down a little, his phone pinged.
Shizu-chan 💖 14:03
They’re on the studio roof
Hiiragi spotted them the moment he opened the door to the studio building’s rooftop. Mafuyu sat in the shade of the taller building next door, leaning against the low concrete wall at the edge of the roof. Uenoyama lay on the ground, head in Mafuyu’s lap, eyes closed. Mafuyu was stroking his hair slowly, gazing down at him with gentle affection.
Hiiragi sighed and approached cautiously. Mafuyu watched him coming with narrowed eyes, a hand clasping Uenoyama’s shoulder. Uenoyama didn’t move.
“Hey” Hiiragi said, feeling uncomfortable. Getting absolutely no response, he tried again. “Can I talk to him?”
Uenoyama opened his eyes. They were red. Mafuyu didn’t move.
Hiiragi huffed. “Please. Can I talk with you, alone, Uenoyama-san.”
Uenoyama clicked his tongue. “Don’t give me that -san shit.” Mafuyu looked down at him, and he gave a slight nod. He sat up, cross-legged.
“I’ll be close” said Mafuyu, rising to his feet. He strode off, settling against the wall on the opposite side of the building. Far enough to be out of earshot but still keeping them in view.
“Geez, what does he think I’m going to do, push you off the roof?” Hiiragi grumbled, mostly to himself. Uenoyama merely raised an eyebrow at him. He turned and sank down next to him, wrapping his arms around his knees. An awkward silence stretched between them. Hiiragi watched a trail of ants marching along the rooftop beside him.
“Is he even an ‘ex’ if they didn’t ever actually break up?”
Hiiragi looked at Uenoyama. The question caught him off-guard. Uenoyama was fiddling with a stone in the concrete, prodding at its edges with his finger.
“Um. I don’t really know how to answer that.”
“Mmm.”
The ants marched on.
“Shizu said it was pretty fucked up that I asked you to finish someone else’s love song to Mafuyu…”
“Yayoi said that too.”
Hiiragi exhaled heavily. “Look, the thing with Yuki…” he paused. God, this was difficult to explain. “He… he was my friend too. And I miss him. You’d think it would be okay by now, but…” He glanced at Uenoyama out of the corner of his eye. He was focused on the ground. “Shizu won’t talk about him with me. I think… he probably does miss Yuki too. But he was, I dunno, jealous of him. And he thought I liked him. Like-liked him, ya know? Which I didn’t. But every time I bring him up, he gets shitty. And then Mafuyu… he… he forgot it was Yuki’s birthday, last week.” Hiiragi scrubbed at his cheek, swiping away the tear that had rolled down.
“He didn’t forget.”
Hiiragi glanced at Uenoyama again. He continued his fiddling with the rock.
“It was Wednesday, right?”
“Yeah. Did he tell you?”
“No. He was just extra quiet all day. And he had a nightmare. He wouldn’t tell me what it was about, but… it’s usually the same one.”
Hiiragi looked over to Mafuyu. He was still watching them, face unreadable. “He never said anything to me.”
“Yeah, well, that’s Mafuyu, isn’t it? Terrible at asking for help.”
Hiiragi turned to Uenoyama. He forced the eye contact that neither of them really wanted but both needed. “I’m sorry. What I said earlier, I didn’t mean it. Especially the part about not being good enough for Mafuyu.”
Uenoyama gave a small grunt of acknowledgement.
“I don’t think we’d be friends, right now, if it wasn’t for you.”
“Huh?”
“Mafuyu ghosted us. Shizu and me. For almost a whole freaking year! He was just… alone, drowning in this grief that he couldn’t process. And… I left him alone.” Hiiragi picked at a loose thread on his pants. “But then he found you.” Hiiragi gave him a small smile. “You know, we all heard him sing. He was always humming random shit. And we had to sing stuff in school and whatever. So, we all knew that he could – Yuki included. But you were the one who actually noticed.”
All he got in response was a non-committal noise. Hiiragi ploughed on. “He’s got that goofy smile back, you know? The one that goes all the way to his eyes. He’s actually pretty cute, when he smiles like that. Don’t tell him I said that.”
Uenoyama shot him a scathing look. Hiiragi bit back a laugh.
“Well, being in love always did look good on him.”
Uenoyama huffed, looking at Mafuyu across the roof. Mafuyu waved. He gave a small wave back. Hiiragi shook his head slightly at them.
“What I’m trying to say is… if watching you two being disgusting saps for each other is the price I have to pay for having my friend back… then I guess I can accept that.”
“Like you and Shizusumi are any better” Uenoyama grumbled.
Hiiragi laughed. “Yeah, a bit.”
“You should probably talk to him about this, though.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
Another silence stretched between them, the afternoon heat becoming more oppressive as the clouds above them shifted. Hiiragi wiped the sweat off his forehead. “So… we good?” he asked, eventually.
Uenoyama scratched his neck. “Close enough.”
“Okay, good. Cause I gotta go apologise to Mafuyu now and he’s definitely gonna chew me out.”
At least that got a grin out of Uenoyama. Hiiragi pushed up to his feet, crossing over to Mafuyu without looking back.
~~~
Mafuyu watched Hiiragi and Uenoyama from across the roof. If he wasn’t so mad, he’d find it funny how hard they were working to avoid looking at each other. He couldn’t believe Hiiragi had once again managed to jab Uenoyama right where his biggest insecurity lay. It was like the malevolent version of emotional intelligence or something. Saying he wasn’t good enough… Well, if Mafuyu had to list out all the reasons why Uenoyama was good for him, he’d keep them on the roof til sunset and they’d all melted in the afternoon heat.
There must have been some sort of resolution to the conversation across from him – Hiiragi was heading his way now. The blonde dropped down next to him. Mafuyu took the opportunity to swat him across the chest with the back of his hand.
“Ow, geez, what’s your problem?”
Mafuyu raised his eyebrows, ready to unleash the rant he’d been half-constructing in his head since he’d stepped away.
“Actually, never mind. I know what your problem is, this time.” Hiiragi ran his hand through his hair. Mafuyu just stared at him, waiting. “Look. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that stuff.”
“Ritsuka didn’t deserve that, Hiiragi. How is it that you’re the only person that ever makes him cry?”
“I bet he doesn’t want you to tell me that he cried.”
Mafuyu sighed, exasperated.
“Okay, okay, okay. I overstepped. Badly. And I didn’t mean it.” Hiiragi turned to face him. “It was Yuki’s birthday, last Wednesday.”
“I know.”
“I miss him, Mafuyu. I know, it’s not the same as you… but he was my best friend too.”
“Mmm.”
“We could’ve done something, you know. Gone and visited Saeko-san? She would’ve liked that.”
Mafuyu looked closer at Hiiragi. His eyes were puffy. He sighed. “I don’t think I can go back inside that house.”
“Something else, then?”
Mafuyu considered it.
“I can’t just pretend that he didn’t exist!” Hiiragi’s voice cracked.
“What?”
“Shizu won’t talk about it with me. At all. And… I’ve been trying not to bring it up. You’ve only just gotten back to normal. But…”
Mafuyu huffed. “God. You’re the one who told me not to be a dumbass. We can talk about it. I won’t fall apart because you bring Yuki up. I can talk about him now. I do. With mum. And with Ritsuka.”
“He’s okay with that?”
“He’s a nice person, Hiiragi. He’s so patient and kind to me, especially about Yuki. I think you guys could actually be friends, if you weren’t both so stubborn.”
“Ugh, you sound like Shizu.”
Mafuyu rolled his eyes.
“Okay, okay. Is it okay… if we do something next year then? Even if it’s just hanging out…”
“Yeah. I’d like that.”
“Bring your boyfriend.”
Mafuyu smiled. “You know, you guys are some of the only people we can actually act like a couple around. He’s having a hard time hiding it, I think.”
“Well, change your stupid band rules then.”
“Ritsuka won’t go against Haruki’s wishes. He doesn’t really agree with it, but I know he thinks Haruki is smarter about this sort of stuff. So, he listens.”
“Ugh. Fine. Just continue being disgusting in my studio, I guess.” Hiiragi was grinning at him as he said it.
“Yeah. Let’s go out for dinner, next week. With Shizu.”
“Just come around. That way you won’t be looking over your shoulders the whole time.”
Mafuyu smiled back. “Thanks.” He stood. “I’m gonna take Ritsuka home now.”
He walked back to Uenoyama, who had his guitar out, fiddling with some tricky little riff. He watched him for a moment, grinning as he saw him poke out his tongue between his teeth in concentration. Mafuyu squatted in front of him when he finished. “Hey. Let’s go to my place.”
Uenoyama reached for his case. “Yeah, okay. Do we need to grab stuff for dinner?”
“Probably. Unless you want cup noodles again. Also, we’re going around to Hiiragi and Shizu’s for dinner next week.”
Uenoyama huffed. “Great.”
“You guys will learn to be friends eventually.”
Uenoyama rose, pressing a kiss to Mafuyu’s cheek. “Don’t count on it. At least he didn’t kick me off the roof.”
“What?!”
“Don’t worry.” Uenoyama took Mafuyu’s hand in his. “Is this too warm?”
“Nah. It’s good.”
~~~
Hiiragi watched them walk off, hand in hand despite the heat. He really had to go downstairs and talk to Shizu, but three awkward conversations in rapid succession seemed like a bit much, right now. He rested his head against the concrete wall. It radiated warmth back at him. The breeze was no help at all - it felt like being stuck in a hairdryer up here. Yuki used to hate these kinds of summer days. He'd never coped well with the heat. Hiiragi closed his eyes. He could hear Yuki’s voice clearly in his mind, complaining about how much summer sucked, as the four of them dawdled their way to the convenience store for raspberry slushies.
“Hiiragi.”
Shizu’s voice startled him. He squinted against the glare as he opened his eyes again. Shizu was crouched in front of him. Shizu reached over, wiping off the tears that were streaming down his face. He didn’t even realise he was crying again. God. What a shitty day. They stared at each other for a while.
“Mafuyu told me off.”
Hiiragi laughed. “Yeah, that’s going around today.”
“He never used to be so assertive.” Shizu sat next to him.
“Yeah. Probably Ritsuka’s influence.”
“Probably.”
“It’s good, isn’t it?” Hiiragi dropped his head back again.
“Yeah. Do you want a raspberry slushie?” Shizu asked.
Hiiragi took Shizu’s hand, chin wobbling. “Yes.”
“It’s too hot for this” said Shizu, waving their joined hands in the air.
“Too bad.” Hiiragi squeezed. Shizu squeezed back. The sun beat down on them. The ants marched on. And it hurt a little less.