Work Text:
Things had gotten difficult lately. Xie Lian had been doing a good job keeping it all to himself, but it was all beginning to take its toll. If he had to guess, he'd think that the problem started months ago, and it was only now that he was beginning to see the ramifications. Xie Lian was a hard worker. Luckily, he enjoyed his job. Xie Lian liked talking to customers. When someone came to him asking for help finding something, he leapt at the opportunity to assist. When issues with equipment or stock appeared, he quickly did what he could to rectify them. There wasn't an area of Xie Lian's job that he didn't like. He never complained; he just showed up with a smile and did whatever was asked of him.
Maybe that was the problem.
Xie Lian had pulled back quite a bit on his hours once Hua Cheng came into the picture, and he was sure their arrangement would last. The entire reason Xie Lian had opted for their arrangement was that after six months of juggling full-time work and full-time study, Xie Lian was falling apart. Lowering his hours as significantly as he had was what had allowed him to focus on school. His grades improved drastically. So did his quality of life. But after a year of this, things had begun to slip.
Co-workers needed time off. Certain days or times required more people. Xie Lian had proven himself to be not only one of the better workers but one of the more reliable ones, one who was willing to take on extra shifts. He was the one who couldn't bear to let anyone else down. So whenever they asked him to work late or to cover someone else, Xie Lian didn't hesitate to say yes. At first, it had been fine. A couple of hours here, a little shift there, it wasn't enough to be a problem. But once everyone realised Xie Lian would take more work with no complaints, he became the first one they turned to. And before long, Xie Lian was back up to the hours he'd been trying to escape when he met Hua Cheng.
But it was worse than that. Xie Lian was also halfway through his course, and the expectations had become more challenging to reach. It required more time for Xie Lian to provide work that was at the same level as he had previously, but he had far less on hand. He'd find himself taking every spare second during work, pulling out textbooks during the lows, but barely able to take in the words when he inevitably got called away. He scarcely slept, taking the night hours as his chance to study. He was like a zombie during the day, continuing to do everything expected of him at work, but perhaps not as friendly with customers.
He didn't want to admit it, but he knew it was also taking a toll on his relationship. He loved listening to Hua Cheng talk, but would find his eyes drooping under the weight of such long days. He always felt so guilty, but Hua Cheng would assure him it was fine, even cute. He'd wake later in bed with Hua Cheng holding him close, only to shimmy out of his hold to sit up and study. They'd fallen into a rhythm that Xie Lian hated. There were times he would look over at Hua Cheng's sleeping face in the middle of the night, and all he could think was how much he missed him.
Xie Lian wasn't sure at what point it had become too much, but one evening, he'd arrived home late. Even later than he'd previously planned. The idea had been to finish work and get some studying in before dinner. Then he'd be able to have a glass of wine with Hua Cheng, and they could be a couple for a while. Xie Lian was determined not to fall asleep on him this time. But he'd been held back a couple of hours, and that had eaten into his study time, which might not have been an issue, but due dates were looming on the horizon, and Xie Lian didn't feel confident enough to take a day off. It meant sacrificing that time with Hua Cheng if he wanted to keep on top of everything else. But that time was the one thing keeping him going.
The moment he walked through the front door, he could smell something divine. Hua Cheng must've been cooking them dinner. He'd been working all day, too, but he still did this. He still found a way to juggle it, to take time for Xie Lian. He never fell asleep when Xie Lian was talking. He was always perfectly attentive, always able to set aside moments for him. Moments that Xie Lian would waste when he inevitably told Hua Cheng he couldn't go out, or he didn't have time to watch a movie. Xie Lian swallowed the lump in his throat, trying not to let himself get emotional over something as simple as dinner.
Kicking off his shoes at the door, Xie Lian made his way inside, placing his bag on the couch and watching Hua Cheng move around the kitchen. He'd never known anyone to love cooking so much, and to be so naturally gifted, too. When Hua Cheng turned to face him and offered him the most breathtaking smile, Xie Lian returned his own, though the guilt was already eating away at him. He was going to have to disappoint him. Again.
"Did they ask you to stay late again?" Hua Cheng asked, sounding concerned.
Xie Lian was already making his way to the kitchen, taking out cutlery to serve their food. Quietly, he said, "Someone called in sick at the last minute."
There was a moment of quiet between them, a chance for contemplation, and Xie Lian was almost afraid of what Hua Cheng might be thinking. Still, he smiled, placing their plates on the table and saying, "That's okay. Dinner's still warm. You can relax now."
When Xie Lian sat down to eat, his head was racing with thoughts. He stayed silent as he ate, the meal far too good for someone with so many worries. He needed to make a change. He knew that it wouldn't be possible to keep going the way he was. Internally, he'd already told himself it was time to set some boundaries. He loved his job, and he didn't want to lose it, but they had been taking advantage of his kindness. Xie Lian needed to learn to say no. He thought maybe he'd find it easier to do that if he told himself he was doing it to see Hua Cheng more. It felt a little less selfish that way.
When he dared to look up, Hua Cheng was watching him, brows furrowed, and lips pursed. Xie Lian couldn't help but feel self-conscious, hesitantly asking, "What's wrong?"
"You look troubled," Hua Cheng said, "Did you… want to talk about it?"
Xie Lian looked down at his food, unsure of what to say. Maybe it would be good to get all his frustration out, to tell someone everything he'd been struggling with. That was what relationships were about, right? Supporting each other? Listening to their problems? So, Xie Lian let it all out, all the bad thoughts that had been growing over months of work.
"I'm just tired all the time. And there's so much to do. I have an essay due in two weeks, and I barely know where to begin. Every time I plan out my time and think I have a handle on it, something happens. I don't think I've ever had to work so much. Even before I met you, it didn't feel like this. School's getting harder, and I feel like I need more time, but I keep having less and less. I don't get to see you anymore, I don't get to breathe," Xie Lian took a shaky breath, raking a hand through his hair, "I'm just… really overwhelmed."
Again, he was met with silence. Xie Lian suspected he was too much, that Hua Cheng wasn't prepared for all these problems to come tumbling out. He had a plan, of course. A way to potentially make things easier for himself. But in that moment, he just needed to talk about it. He needed someone to hear about his struggles and know that he wasn't doing so well. Just getting those racing thoughts out made it feel easier, like he could breathe again. As if without all those thoughts inside him, he had room to strategise the resolution. It felt better.
Hua Cheng's smile was sweet when he said, "Is that all this is about?"
Xie Lian felt cold, as though Hua Cheng had slapped him. His fingers shook as he tried to rationalise him saying something so disheartening, "What?"
"You don't need to think about all of this," He continued, looking rather pleased with himself as he said, "Just quit your job. I can take care of everything."
The frustration inside Xie Lian quickly grew into anger. Perhaps if he weren't so tired and had given himself enough time to think, he would've been more understanding. But Xie Lian had just wanted someone to listen. He dropped his cutlery onto his plate and rubbed his hands over his eyes, saying, "I hate when you do that."
"What?" Hua Cheng looked down at himself, as if trying to figure out what he'd done wrong, and that somehow just made Xie Lian even more angry.
"Tell me to quit my job. Tell me you can handle everything yourself. Like I'm some helpless child you have to look after," Xie Lian hoped he didn't sound as crazy as he felt. He hoped he was making sense, that Hua Cheng would understand why it hurt as much as it did.
"I'm not saying that, but I'm perfectly capable of handling our finances myself," Hua Cheng tried to explain, "It's one less thing for you to worry about."
"Do you think I'm not capable?" Xie Lian asked, genuinely afraid to know the answer.
"What? Of course you are, I'm just," Hua Cheng sighed, "I'm just trying to help."
"Well, stop! I can take care of myself, stop trying to fix everything," Xie Lian insisted.
"I don't know what you want me to do," Hua Cheng pressed.
"I want you to be a good boyfriend and just listen to me vent!" Xie Lian got to his feet, "I want you to stop trying to put all my worth in looking pretty for you!"
"That's not what I'm doing!" Hua Cheng insisted, and the hurt tinging his voice was enough to finally break through all the insecurities and aggravation fueling Xie Lian's words. Suddenly, he needed to leave, afraid he'd say something else. As Xie Lian started walking away, Hua Cheng called after him, "Where are you going?"
"To be alone," Xie Lian said, walking into one of the spare rooms and closing the door behind him.
The moment he was by himself, Xie Lian let the guilt hit him at full force. He sat in a chair and pulled his knees to his chest, lip quivering as he cried. He'd been horrible. He knew he had. The things he'd accused Hua Cheng of were unfair, and he knew they weren't true. He'd just gotten too defensive. He'd allowed his self-doubts to boil over and used them in the most cruel way he could. And he'd hurt the one person he never wanted to.
Xie Lian had always been afraid of the image presented by their original agreement. Being a companion to an older man just to make some extra cash felt shameful. With Hua Cheng, it had been easier because the attraction was genuine. He really did want Hua Cheng. He would've wanted him even if he didn't have a penny to his name. Since becoming a couple, Xie Lian felt more than ever that he needed to prove it wasn't because of the money. He had to pull his own weight. He didn't want to be entirely dependent on Hua Cheng. They were supposed to work together. He couldn't stand the thought of all this stress being forced onto Hua Cheng's shoulders.
Time went by so slowly. Xie Lian sat in that empty room on his own, crying into his knees and letting himself feel everything. All his prior concerns were gone; he was now solely focused on what he'd done to Hua Cheng and how he was supposed to fix it. Hua Cheng probably thought he was being childish, and Xie Lian couldn't even blame him. He'd lashed out. It was unjustified, and he just wanted to take everything back.
When a quiet, delicate knock sounded from the door, Xie Lian looked up just in time to see it open only slightly, Hua Cheng peeking from behind it and asking, "Can I come in…?"
Xie Lian nodded, staying quiet. There were so many things he wanted to say, but he didn't know where to start. He couldn't know what would make it better. Partly, he was afraid he'd only make things worse. He'd say something he shouldn't without thinking. He'd upset Hua Cheng just as easily as Hua Cheng had hurt him when he was trying to help.
Hua Cheng settled in a chair across the room from Xie Lian, giving him plenty of space and speaking gently, "For more than ten years, part of my job has been to find solutions to problems. I've never… this is the longest I've given myself to one person. I'm still learning how to be supportive. When you tell me you have problems, my instinct is to try to fix them for you."
Xie Lian listened intently. They'd never had this discussion before, and he supposed it was something they really should've talked about a long time ago. How could he expect Hua Cheng to just know how to comfort him? He couldn't be expected to figure it out based on instinct alone. Hugging his knees a little tighter to himself, Xie Lian said, "Sometimes I just want you to listen while I let it out."
"I know that now," Hua Cheng nodded, looking down at his hands as he wrung his fingers together nervously, "I can't promise I won't try to fix it. It's all I know. I can't help it, I want to fight in your corner. But if you tell me you just want me to listen, then that's what I'll do."
Xie Lian looked down at his knees, softly saying, "You didn't do anything wrong."
"No, I did," Hua Cheng wasn't looking at him, like he was afraid of what he might see. Instead, he said, "I made you feel small. I made you feel like the things you want don't matter. I thought I was helping, but I didn't ask you what you wanted."
"I should've told you," Xie Lian said, "I can't just expect you to know."
After a pause, Hua Cheng's voice sounded much more fragile as he said, "I'll do better next time, if you please just give me another chance."
It suddenly hit Xie Lian all at once, just how much he'd scared Hua Cheng. He really believed that this would be it, that he would end everything because of this fight. And the broken sound of his voice told Xie Lian how much that thought devastated him. How afraid Hua Cheng was of losing him. Xie Lian didn't realise. He knew that Hua Cheng loved him, but he didn't know how afraid he was of what they had coming to an end. He couldn't blame him. Xie Lian didn't want it to end, either. This was a happiness he'd never known before. There were difficult moments, times when they didn't agree with each other, but Xie Lian couldn't imagine being without him anymore. Being together was the way it was supposed to be.
Knowing that Hua Cheng was hurting, Xie Lian got off his chair and moved straight to Hua Cheng, crawling into his lap and wrapping his arms around his neck in a tight hug, "I'm sorry…"
"I'm sorry, too." The feel of Hua Cheng's fingers trailing along his back was more soothing than he could've expected. "But why are you sorry?"
"For ever letting you think you could lose me," Xie Lian nuzzled into Hua Cheng's neck and whispered, "I'll never leave you. I promise. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
"That's not your fault," Hua Cheng assured, "I just know how lucky I am. I can't pretend I don't know you could do so much better…"
"That's not true," Xie Lian pulled away to brush his thumb along Hua Cheng's cheek, admiring his carefully manicured beard with a fond smile, "Every day, I think about how lucky I am to have you. To me, there is no better."
"I'll try to remember that." Hua Cheng's smile was shy and sweet, something new that Xie Lian had never seen before. It was the smile of a man reassured that he would never need to worry about losing what mattered most to him.
"I'm sorry. For the things I said," Xie Lian looked away, biting his lip, "It was unfair and cruel, and I know you don't think those things."
"But you do, don't you?" Hua Cheng lifted Xie Lian’s chin to look in his eyes, "Those are your fears."
Xie Lian felt more exposed than he expected. But he knew that this was an important conversation, that they needed to get their doubts and uncertainties out. Hua Cheng knew now that Xie Lian had no intention of ever leaving him. It was a reassurance that he could come back to in times of insecurity. Xie Lian had a few things he was afraid of in their relationship, things he didn't know how to get past in his own head.
Xie Lian took a shaky breath and said, "I don't want people to think I'm with you for the money. I don't want them to think that's all I care about. Because you're so much more than that! You're so smart, and funny, and you're the sweetest, most chivalrous man I've ever met. And you're ridiculously handsome, look at you!"
Hua Cheng had slowly turned a bright shade of peach the more Xie Lian spoke. He laughed nervously and said, "You flatter me. But it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, right?"
Xie Lian pursed his lips and quietly admitted, "I don't want you to think it, either…"
Hua Cheng raised an eyebrow, "And you think I do?"
"Maybe not now, but one day, you might think that's all I'm here for," Xie Lian sighed, "I showed you I was capable of that the day I agreed to our arrangement. But even then, I liked you. I thought you were fun. You gave me butterflies. I was attracted to you. The money was a bonus, and I needed it, and maybe we might not have ever met without it, but I'd be just as into you if it wasn't there. You have to know that."
"Hey, I do," Hua Cheng took Xie Lian's hands, brushing kisses against his knuckles, "I've never met anyone less interested in my money. What you did was out of desperation, and I was the one who suggested it in the first place. I know that you have never and would never think of me as your personal piggy bank."
"I want us to be a team," Xie Lian said, "It hurts me when you tell me to quit my job, because it would put all the pressure on you. I know that I'm struggling. I know that all of this is too much for me to take care of on my own, and I will change things. But I hate the thought of it all being on you. I don't want you to be forced to take on all these things. Because you wouldn't cope, either."
"Oh, A-Lian," Hua Cheng smiled fondly, "I don't think you realise how much you've taken on."
"What do you mean?" Xie Lian frowned. He knew he had put himself in a difficult position, but he couldn't begin to imagine how hard Hua Cheng worked.
"You study full-time. You have to write essays, read textbooks, attend lectures, everything. You also work so much that it might as well be full-time. They have you working any time you aren't studying. You're up all hours of the night because you need more time to study. You're wearing yourself into the ground," Hua Cheng rubbed circles into the back of Xie Lian's hands with his thumbs as he explained, "I work full-time. I've had this job for a long, long time now. I have my schedule figured out, and yes, sometimes I need to work late, or I have to go out of town for those boring work functions, but that's nothing compared to what you do. If you wanted to stop working and rely on my income, nothing would change for me. I'd just get to see you more."
He wasn't sure why, but he'd never thought about it like that. Xie Lian always believed he worked the same amount as anyone else. He thought that he just needed to figure out a way to handle it all and that he needed to do better. Everyone else was capable of handling their schedules; why couldn't he? Hua Cheng made a lot of money, and he worked harder than anyone Xie Lian knew. He'd always just assumed that his workload was just as bad as Xie Lian's, or perhaps even worse. No wonder he was struggling to stay afloat. He'd taken on more than any person could.
"I like my job, and I intend to keep it. But I'd like to see you more," Xie Lian murmured shyly, "I've missed spending time with you."
"I've missed you, too. But I could see how busy you were, and I didn't want to add to that pressure," Hua Cheng rested a hand on Xie Lian's hip, holding him close as he suggested, "I always tried to stay out of the way when you're studying, because I don't want to distract you. But if you'd like, you could sit on my lap while you study. That way, we could spend more time together."
"That would be very distracting," Xie Lian agreed, smiling as he rested their heads together, "I'd really like that."
The way their lips found each other was so effortless, as if they couldn't possibly spend another moment apart. Xie Lian cradled Hua Cheng's face in his hands, gently stroking his beard as he lost himself in the familiar feel and taste of his kiss. It felt ridiculous that he'd ever jeopardised this happiness. He knew that he had every right to have those emotions, but he'd handled them all wrong. But he thought they'd done well, all things considered. After nearly a year together, they'd only ever bickered over trivial things. It had taken this long for them to have a real fight, and they knew now that they could handle it. They both cared too deeply for what they had to let these things ruin it.
Xie Lian let out a soft sigh and whispered into Hua Cheng's lips, "I love you."
"I love you, too," Hua Cheng smiled and nudged their noses together, "And I want you to know I've never thought of you as just pretty. You're the smartest person I've ever met. And just because I happen to think you're absolutely gorgeous doesn't mean that's all I see. You're worth so much more than that."
Xie Lian blushed, trying to hold back his bashful smile when he assured, "I know. I was just being defensive. I'm sorry,"
"Don't be. It just means I need to work harder to remind you every day just how special you are," Hua Cheng brushed Xie Lian's hair behind his ear and asked, "You wanna go to bed early tonight? You looked so tired when you got home…"
He was. Between how hard he'd been working and the extreme emotions of the evening, Xie Lian was exhausted. He told himself he'd study that night, but already planning to fix the mess that had become his schedule, he instead decided the one aspect of his life that had gone neglected for far too long deserved to have at least one evening dedicated to it. He'd missed Hua Cheng every day, even in the moments when they were close, but felt so distant. Xie Lian couldn't allow it to continue.
Their fight had been a scary eye-opener, a moment for Xie Lian to realise that changes had to be made. But it also felt like a shift in their relationship to something more positive. They knew how to talk to each other in ways they hadn't previously. Hua Cheng knew how to care for him and comfort him in times of need. Xie Lian felt more assured than ever before that their love could stand the tests of time.
Resting his head on Hua Cheng's shoulder, Xie Lian asked, "Will you hold me while I sleep?"
It was like being wrapped in a warm blanket of safety and love when Hua Cheng earnestly replied, "I'll never let go."