Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kedamono’s tail wagged with anticipation, thumping against the back of his chair. The tall, sun-crowned clown sat across from him at the table, less than a foot apart. Even in a moment like this, the young wolf couldn’t help but feel starstruck. The Paraphone Circus had dazzled him, and Papi the master jester most of all. Kedamono was still a pup, but he knew right away this was where he wanted to be. When Papi agreed to take him in, he couldn’t be happier. However, there was apparently one more thing left to do before Kedamono could be an official part of the show. 

With an impressive backbend, Papi reached behind his chair and produced a small, round object in plain white. Kedamono squinted at the thing, unable to discern what it was.

“Listen, Kedamono,” the man began. “I’m thrilled, just thrilled that you’re choosing to stay with us and become part of our act.”

The little wolf nodded, his canine face stretching into a toothy smile. Papi’s own smile faltered. He continued:

“But if you stay with us, there’s a rule you will have to follow. You’re going to have to act like a person.”

This stirred something in Kedamono. He cocked his head, his tail stopping. He was a little confused at the meaning of Papi’s words, but at the same time he felt a growing swell of fear, as if something in him knew exactly what he was saying. The pup nodded again, this time with more uncertainty.

Papi raised his hands in defense. “Now, it’s nothing against you, of course! You’re a sweet kid. It’s just…the audience might not take to, ah, your kind. We wouldn’t want you to remind people of…” His eyes darted briefly to the sky before meeting Kedamono’s eyes again, lowering his voice. “The White Wolf…would we?”

The feeling of fear bubbled up in full force. Even in the temple, where he was isolated from most worldly things, Kedamono had one thing greatly instilled in him, which screamed at him now with terrifying force.

Do not speak of the White Wolf. 

Do not speak of your mother.

He shuddered involuntarily. Papi’s grave expression shifted into a wide, energetic grin. “Luckily, I have a solution!” He held up the white disk with a flourish.

“This is a magical mask I discovered in my travels to a distant land. With its power, you can become anything. Like this!” He pulled out a pen from his costume and scribbled something on the mask’s blank surface. When Papi showed it again, the mask depicted a drawing of a lightbulb. He slipped it over his face, and suddenly the crown he wore radiated with light, so bright Kedamono had to look away. Papi pulled the lightbulb mask off, revealing another blank mask underneath. With that, the glowing stopped. Kedamono clapped with delight, letting out a few excited yaps. 

“See? Now, if you draw, say, a human face on it, you can become a human! Or like a human, anyway. Give it a try!” He passed the mask and pen to the eager pup.

Kedamono picked up the pen with uneasy caution. He was not all that dextrous as a wolf. Maybe that would change with his human mask. He looked up at Papi’s face, taking in the man’s human features. Slowly, trying not to let the pen slip in his paws, Kedamono drew the best human face a seven-year-old could muster: a simplistic and cartoony smile.

When it was done, Kedamono showed it to Papi, who gave him an approving smile. “Exactly like that! Want to try it on?”

Kedamono slipped the mask over his face, fumbling a little with the ties. The ceramic was a little heavy for his head. Papi produced a mirror and thrust it towards the pup. At Kedamono’s shock, the smiling mask dropped to reveal a surprised expression underneath. The surprise grew into exuberance, each punctuated with a different mask in the same sketchy style.

“There you go! Isn’t that great?” Papi said. “Now no one could ever think you’re a wolf.”

Kedamono (or his new mask, at least) smiled warmly, and he gave a bow of gratitude. His first day in the circus and he’d already been given a gift!

The clown gingerly patted his head. “All right, then, Kedamono, that’s all I wanted to say. We’re going to start learning a few tricks in the morning, but for now, ah…why don’t you play with Popee?”

“Playing with” Popee was not really possible, seeing as the latter was an infant. But, of course, he would do it, since Papi asked him. It was the least he could do for Papi taking him in, letting him be part of the circus, and most importantly, giving him this mask that would make sure no one would look at him and see the…see her again. Kedamono ran off to the baby’s tent, hoping someone, at least the nanny, would be there so that he could show them his new mask. On his way there, he caught his reflection again in a shallow puddle. Seeing his own face replaced by the white mask brought a range of emotions.

I look like a person! Kedamono thought.

Another voice said, It doesn’t really look like me. 

But it would. It would have to.

Chapter Text

“I’m bored,” the child in the pink onesie proclaimed. “Play with me, Keda.”

Kedamono nodded. He was a little nervous, as Popee tended to get a bit violent when things didn’t go his way, but it was nothing the older wolf couldn’t handle. Popee was a bratty six-year-old with a competitive streak and a desire for attention, which, while Kedamono didn’t exactly relate to, he at least understood well enough. What would they play today? Pantomime? Tag? Hide and Seek? No, that one was banned (Popee’s jurisdiction, of course). Kedamono would have to let him win, at least a little. Sometimes he couldn’t help himself.

“I want to play a new game,” Popee said. He picked up a fist-sized rock, then with some difficulty climbed onto a nearby crate with the rock in hand. “I’m gonna be the White Wolf, casting down her rage from on high. And you’re gonna have to dodge.” 

Kedamono froze, his smiling mask dropping.

At this, the child scowled, balling his tiny fists. “What’s the matter?”

Kedamono’s previous expression dropped into a nervous grin. No, no, nothing was wrong! He shook his head and waved his hands assuringly in an attempt to appease the child, but his apprehension was still disturbingly clear. The mask worked a little too well to portray his emotional state. 

Popee’s scowl slowly became undercut with concern. “Keda…are you scared of the White Wolf?”

Kedamono shook his head no, then nodded his head yes.

The young boy jumped down to sit, legs dangling off the crate. “Why?”

Of course, Popee didn’t know what the White Wolf really was. He had probably just heard the name on television or in passing. Kedamono hated even thinking about her. The thing was, he didn’t know the whole story, either. Perhaps no one here did. She was a symbol of fear among the people, a bogeyman whose name was spoken in whispered voices. She was simultaneously a distant, unknown thing and always near. Where she went, countless planes of war would follow. She was savage and terrible. But how could he explain all of this to Popee?

He took a blank mask off his face, revealing another one underneath, and began writing on it with a shaking hand. The White Wolf is very bad. He scribbled it out. The White Wolf is–again. The White Wolf is a monster, he finally settled on. 

And she’s my mother.

He forced the thought out of his mind. Don’t think about that! It doesn’t matter! Kedamono was nothing like her! He acted like a person. His face was not her face. 

Popee read the statement with a little difficulty. “A mon…A monster? Is that why Papi and Mama don’t like wolves?”

Kedamono gave his assent. That was why no one liked wolves. He hoped Popee would understand well enough.

It seemed he hadn’t. Popee smirked, showing a few missing teeth. “Cool. I’m gonna be a wolf monster, and I’m gonna eat you, Keda!”

The wolf’s heart stopped. No, no, no! This wasn’t right! He has to understand how she really is! Kedamono grabbed a mask and furiously scribbled something out. A face that was everything he could not put into words. A face he retained in the deepest pits of his memory. Everything in him screamed at him to stop, but he could not. He had to show Popee the truth.

Kedamono donned the mask of the White Wolf. 

A primal growl rose from his throat. The wolf dropped to all fours, hackles raised and great claws scraping against the dirt. The guttural sound rose into the droning of aircraft. Hundreds of black shapes appeared suddenly on the horizon, cloaking the sun, bringing decimation with them. The wolf rose above them all, red eyes glaring with hatred. Within him, the wolf felt the burning instinct of a hunter, every nerve in his body screaming to rend and destroy. The droning growl reached its crescendo, and as it did the planes unloaded a torrent of warheads that would blast the land apart. 

And then Kedamono saw the absolute terror in the boy’s face. Popee looking at him with terror. The White Wolf mask dropped immediately as he became overcome with guilt and shame. Everything surrounding him–the planes, the bombs–vanished. It had been a much smaller spectacle than the real thing. The planes had only appeared in the immediate area. It was an illusion meant only for Popee. Did that matter, did that matter? Kedamono scrambled to his feet and smashed the fallen mask until it became unrecognizable. He frantically approached Popee, but the boy pushed him away with powerful force. 

“Don’t ever do that again, Kedamono!” Popee screamed, stomping on the shattered mask further until the shards were ground into sand. “Don’t ever do that again! I hate you! I hate you!” Popee ran away, tears running down his young face.

Kedamono sank to his knees and began to cry. In that moment, he had never hated himself so much. How could he have done such a thing? Popee needed to know the weight of the issue, but how could Kedamono do something so utterly monstrous? He couldn’t ever do something like that again. A person would never have turned himself into a wolf, and certainly not the most awful of wolves. Kedamono couldn’t let that side of him come out. He had to act like a person.

He had to apologize.

It didn’t take long to find Popee. There were only so many places on the circus grounds the little boy could go to cry. And on the floor of one of the tents, Popee was doing just that, his rabbit hat thrown off into a corner as he sobbed and sniffled. It seemed his crying had mostly calmed down, however, and he said nothing as Kedamono entered.

Kedamono ran in and wrapped his arms around Popee in a quick hug. Popee squirmed, but let it happen. Kedamono broke away to grip the boy’s hands, his mask displaying agonized remorse and sketchy tears to match the real ones underneath.

“O-Okay, I guess I forgive you, Keda,” Popee murmured, still sniffling. “And I’m s-sorry I said I hated you.” Kedamono gave his hand a little squeeze in response.

The little boy wiped his tears, attempting to put on a brave face. “The White Wolf is really that scary?”

Kedamono nodded. Yes, she was, and he was her legacy. At least, he would be if he slipped like he did today.

“W-Well,” Popee continued, his hands turning into fists. “If she throws bombs at me, I’m gonna bomb her right back!” He stood up, retrieved his hat and began making his way out of the tent. “C’mon, Keda! Let’s go find the bombs and we can practice!”

At this, Kedamono’s sorrow broke. He frantically began shaking his head, trying to grab at the boy to no avail. Popee stopped and, seeing his older companion’s expression, sighed.

“If you help me, I won’t tell Nanny what you did.”

Kedamono reluctantly followed along. Hopefully he could make up for today by making sure Popee didn’t blow himself up. It was exhausting trying to keep the child out of trouble, but it was all worth it for the dynamic they had. Popee didn’t see past Kedamono’s mask; indeed, he never seemed to care to. Popee forgave him for indiscretions like the one today, and never saw him as something less than human. What was important about all of this, of course, was that Popee didn’t know Kedamono was a wolf, let alone the son of the White Wolf. He should never know. And after today, Kedamono would never give Popee another reason to connect the two. 

Chapter Text

Popee was trying a new trick, as usual. Kedamono wanted nothing to do with it, as usual.

“Try this one, Keda.” Popee jabbed his finger at a page in his book of clowning. “Escape from the tank of water covered in chains! Great, right? C’mon, give it a try.”

Kedamono shook his head in protest. The last time they had tried “escape artistry”, they ended up floating in the void of space until the day came and the circus reset. That escapade had been awful for both of them. Kedamono shuddered to remember the torture Popee had suffered, partially under his hands. Worse still was when Kedamono had lost control and flew into a bloodthirsty rage. That mask…those harsh yellow eyes, the rows of sharp teeth, the purple color matching his natural fur…it was as if his animal nature was trying to fight its way out. It disturbed him greatly. There wasn’t really any way to get rid of a mask once it was “made”. Sooner or later it would always reappear. That wouldn’t stop him from keeping that particular one far out of sight. 

Point being, Kedamono did not want to be reminded of any of that. Especially when it would absolutely lead to him drowning. 

He was hungry, anyway, and that always put him in a mood. He usually tried to eat a little out of the way so that the ravenous part of him wouldn’t be seen, but it always ended up getting the better of him. He was not in the right state to entertain Popee at the moment, even if it was something more tame. He just wanted to get some chicken and take a break. 

Popee stomped his foot petulantly. “Keda! Come on, you have to try!”

Why don’t you do it? Kedamono thought with a hint of bitterness. This was a predictable part of Popee’s routine. If he thought he could do a trick, he would do it himself, and Kedamono would have to clean up for him when it inevitably went wrong. If Popee wasn’t sure about it, or was pretty sure it was going to kill him, he would make Kedamono do it. Even though no death or destruction was permanent in the Wolf Circus, he never liked dying. In fact, sometimes he wished things weren’t the way they were so that he wouldn’t have to keep experiencing death over and over. 

Kedamono shook his head again, his mask’s eyes narrowed. His stomach let out a quiet but conspicuous grumble.

Popee backed off, but only for a moment. A sly smile spread across his face. He reached into his satchel and produced the irresistible sight of a chicken drumstick. Kedamono couldn’t help it. His tail started to swish on its own, his wolf mouth opened in excited panting, and his mask dropped into eager desire.

“If you get into that tank, I’ll give it to you,” the rabbit-eared clown said in a sing-song tone. The two shared a knowing look.

As Kedamono climbed into the tall chamber of deep blue water, he cursed himself for being so easily swayed. All his life, he had worked hard to suppress his predatory nature. At twenty-five, he thought he had a pretty good handle on it. He came off convincingly enough like a human. The one thing he couldn’t control no matter how hard he tried was his appetite. He was hungry most of the time, and when that reared its head, there was nothing he wouldn’t do for delicious meat. Everyone could exploit this easily, and they did, as was happening now and with the alien earlier. But God, did he want that food.

The lid to the tank closed behind him, Popee’s grinning face blurred by the water. Kedamono was officially trapped, and he would have to escape or die trying. Escape meant chicken, he reminded himself, and began his attempt.

A few minutes later, Kedamono lay face-first on the sandy ground, fur sopping wet and water getting into the crevice of his mask. He was half-drowned and exhausted, but he’d done it. Crawling on his belly, Kedamono reached towards Popee and that glorious chicken leg. Every lungful of water was worth it for the taste of that tender goodness.

Popee wasn’t giving it to him. Instead, he began to laugh.

“Ahahaha! I knew you would do it,” he snickered. Kedamono’s mask dropped into slowly rising anger. Don’t laugh at me. I’m starving. Just give it to me.

He really was a nasty sort of thing when he was hungry. Act like a person, he reminded himself, but in this moment he didn’t care. Frustration that he tried to avoid was beginning to build. He was hungry, he was exhausted, and he wasn’t feeling much like a person.

Popee still didn’t move. “Do it again,” he demanded, and to Kedamono’s horror, threw the chicken into the tank. The beautiful thing sank to the bottom, where Kedamono would have to jump back in to retrieve it. 

Kedamono felt his mask and self-control crack open in one instant.

Suddenly his teeth were embedded in Popee’s arm. The flesh gave way so easily in the sharpness of his teeth and the strength of his jaws. Warm blood gushed into his mouth, an indescribable and tantalizing taste. His face was masked with the gruesome image of the yellow-eyed wolf.

Popee let out a yelp of surprise and fell backwards into the tank, which promptly fell over and spilled its contents everywhere, darkening the sand as it pooled. The waterlogged chicken leg lay freely on the ground, but it was totally ignored. The wolf growled and bit harder, teeth stopping at the bone of Popee’s forearm. The hunger in him never ceased, but this…this felt like it would be the thing to finally satisfy him. So sweet, the taste of blood and raw, fresh meat. Devour it and leave nothing left.

The wolf crunched through the bone with one swift motion and swallowed. Popee stared in disbelief at the chunk missing from his arm, the bits of white bone sticking out of red. The wolf licked his chops, savoring the flavor. Yes. More.

The wolf suddenly felt piercing pain in his neck. Popee’s own teeth had found home in his throat. The boy let out a screech as he tore out the wolf’s jugular. Everything was a mess of blood. Kedamono felt himself bleed out, and in his last moments he came to his senses. The wolf mask dropped into a pool of blood, revealing fear underneath.

What have I done?

Kedamono awoke in one of the tents. It was presumably the next day. No evidence of the violence of yesterday. 

He immediately panicked. He tried to eat Popee? That was–That was–

“Keda, you’re back!”

The young clown had been waiting for him. Kedamono shook, his mask betraying horror and anxiety. Popee stood at the threshold of the tent’s flap, looking completely unbothered. Kedamono stood up and shuffled over, his head hanging low in shame. Tears appeared on his latest mask. 

Popee saw this and huffed. “You don’t have to be sorry. It’s a new day.” He lifted his arm, which of course was perfectly intact. Kedamono’s head lifted. 

“That was a new one, though, I’ll give you that.” He flashed a sadistic grin, his blue eyes twinkling with malicious glee. “I kind of liked it.”

Kedamono shook his head, the tears of his mask unceasing. For Popee, of course something like that didn’t really matter. But Popee really believed there was no difference between the two of them. It didn’t occur to him that Kedamono had a greater responsibility to be more human. Kedamono would never forgive himself for incidents of savage violence like this one. Popee’s own violent tendencies had no such caveat, and therefore he was able to brush them off completely.

“Come on, Kedamono. Let’s practice the opening.” The bunny-eared boy grabbed Kedamono’s arm and dragged him out of the room. “You’re being so weird. Let’s go do something fun.”

Kedamono went along hesitantly, and threw himself into the work to avoid thinking about his own shortcomings. The two struggled to perfect their choreography, and Popee got angry when Kedamono had it down sooner. Still, the simplicity of the activity did calm him down at least a little. It wasn’t completely out of his mind, however. A nagging voice kept pointing out that he could have done better. 

Eventually they broke for lunch. Kedamono gnawed pensively at his chicken bone. Although today had been fun, he still wouldn’t forgive himself for yesterday. It must have showed on his mask, because Popee paused his own meal and spoke up again.

“Keda, you know I don’t care about what you did, right?”

Kedamono gave a small nod.

“So why do you?”

Because you don’t know the truth, and you never will. 

Popee was not satisfied. He slammed his fist down on the table and let out a loud groan. “Look,” he started, voice tinged with not a little frustration. “There’s lots of stuff I worry about too much, too. But if you’re not going to tell me why this thing is messing you up so much, then stop acting like an idiot about it. Okay?”

Kedamono sighed and nodded again. His mask dropped into an almost convincing smile. The boy was right, in his own way. He couldn’t be so openly upset about it if he wasn’t going to explain the reason. All he could do now was at least outwardly put the incident behind him, and luckily Popee was more than willing to help him do that. Because of this, Kedamono was often grateful for Popee. Sure, he always found himself facing the brunt of the clown’s rage, but he would endure it to stay here with the one person who accepted him as a person. All these years, and he never once saw Kedamono as a wolf. They were just friends, and for Popee, that was that.

What would happen if that changed, though? What would happen if Popee found out?

Chapter Text

"Kedamono's face...is like his mother's."

The statement wouldn't stop echoing in his mind.

Kedamono had locked himself in the box truck. He sat curled up against the wall, tail between his legs and face wet with tears. He didn’t want a single person to look at him right now. He had seen the horrified expressions of everyone who cared about him. The frog who had seen his face and would always know it. Most terribly, he saw it in Papi’s eyes. I told you to keep it secret, his look said. Look at you. You failed. 

He had been so careful for so long and everything had utterly blown up in his face. Acting like a person hadn’t gotten him far enough. No matter what, the truth would come out, and everyone would find out what he really was. He needed to make sure no one saw him again. Become a traveler, a blank face no one would remember. How would he survive? He didn’t know, but it had to be better than staying. 

Please, God, he prayed, even though he was nowhere near their effigy. Please let me get out of here. Please make sure this never happens again when I leave.

For the first time in years, he was maskless when it wasn’t just to wash. The crying mask had been set aside. Kedamono felt his face, his wolf face, the one that had ruined everything so suddenly. The face that was like his mother’s. He had tried to cover it up, but what was the point? Underneath, his face was the one of a monster. Act all he wanted, it never changed the truth. The only thing he could do was disappear.

The inside of the truck suddenly shook as someone banged on the outside of it. Kedamono jumped, and briefly expressed surprise at not feeling a mask drop down. He had gotten so used to the thing. Now he knew there was no point. 

“Keda! Kedamono!” Popee’s voice sounded from outside. He banged on the door again, even harder this time. “I know you’re in here!” 

Kedamono curled up further, pushing down his ears. 

The banging ceased and Popee momentarily fell silent. When he spoke up once more, his tone had softened.

“You…um…left your happy mask outside. I thought you might want it.” A clink as Popee presumably knocked the thing against the wall.

Kedamono still didn’t move. He wanted to pretend he didn’t exist, at least until Popee forgot about him. Why was this stupid kid still bothering?

Another bang. Popee had kicked the wheels. “Say something, Kedamono!” he yelled. “I know you don’t like to talk, but if you’re not going to open the door, at least speak up!” More kicking. “I’ll blow up this truck with you inside if you don’t!”

“–I’m leaving the circus.”

Kedamono hated his voice. It sounded too harsh, too growling, too beastly. He came off as much more humanlike when he didn’t talk.

The kicking ceased. “No, you’re not. No, you’re not!” Popee screamed. Then: “Why?”

The wolf’s voice grew thick with misery. Tears streamed down his muzzle, into his wide toothy mouth. “Because no one can know.”

“What, that you’re a wolf?”

Kedamono stopped.

Popee’s voice came from the truck doors, as he moved to be closer to Kedamono. “I know you’re a wolf, Kedamono. I don’t care. I think you’re weird, and annoying, and sometimes a jerk! But you’re not a monster. You’re not like the–the White Wolf, or anything. You’re just…you.”

This only worsened Kedamono’s crying. He shook his head violently, holding his head in his hands. “Th-That’s not true,” he choked out between sobs. “I am like her. I am a monster. I am.” Oh, God, how could Popee still not realize? How does he still believe in him?

“You–You’re–” And then his voice dropped. Kedamono felt his heart sink. “Oh.”

And that was it. The strange, abusive boy who he had grown up with and been through everything with knew the truth. There was no way Popee could still see him as a friend now. Kedamono was left alone with his endless tears, tears that he hoped to drown himself in.

To his surprise, the clown’s voice sounded again just when he thought it was over for good.

“Keda…” He began falteringly. “I don’t care if your mother’s the White Wolf.”

“What?”

“I don’t care. I don’t care! Just–J-Just please–don’t leave me.” Popee’s voice rose to a shout, then fell into tears as he started crying as well. “You’re the o-only one who’s always b-been there for me. I don’t w-wanna be alone. I can’t be alone. Please don’t leave.” He punched the door with no threat of violence, only the impotent fear of a child. Kedamono stood up and walked over to the door, resting a paw on it before slowly pushing it open.

His real face met Popee’s, and the latter looked up at him with an expression twisted with misery. He had torn his hat off, revealing two blond pigtails underneath. Kedamono’s heart swelled with compassion for the boy he had known forever. He suddenly felt like such a fool. Popee had never cared about what he was before. Why would he ever think he would hate him for it now? Kedamono held out his hand for his friend to take, and Popee climbed into the truck to join him. Something in his mind still protested that it was a capital sin to show his face to anyone. He ignored it. 

Popee didn’t like to hug people, so instead he slumped down at Kedamono’s side and rested his head on the wolf’s shoulder. The pigtails made it a little awkward, but it was all right. His sobs slowed until they became quiet tears. As they sat, Kedamono thought hard about everything, eyes fixed on the ceramic mask that had been his face. His closest relationship was staying with him despite what he was. If Popee accepted him with the full truth, did it matter if people at the circus knew? Through it all, they had each other. Did they need anyone else?

“Popee…” he finally said. “We’ll stay together, I promise. I won’t leave you alone.”

Popee nodded through tears. This time, he was the one at a loss for words. 

The two did truly need each other more than anything. Perhaps that wasn’t exactly healthy,  but it was true. It had always been that way, Kedamono supposed. He couldn’t help but feel relief to find it wouldn’t change even after everything was revealed. Maybe countless other things would change. Maybe they would even leave the Wolf Circus one day. It was in an inexplicable way comforting to know that they were always going to have each other. Kedamono didn’t have to act if he had Popee.