Work Text:
It’s really not as complicated as you've made it out to be- you love him, that’s all. So much that it’s only a matter of time before it kills you both. It almost did, and you would’ve gladly let it.
But for some stupid fucking reason, you didn’t get to die. They didn’t let you, even though they pretend to not know you for the cameras and it makes you want to bash your head in. Not out of anger for them- they’ll get over it, you know they will- but out of a denied existence.
You exist because you love him. You love him because you exist. As long as one endures, the other will be fed. But you cannot let him win any more than you can let him leave, so you cannot face him again.
Not without settling a score.
Loop #1
Your memory fills in the blanks the program fails to capture as you begin where you always end up: cigarette smoke in your gills and wondering what the whisky would taste like off his tongue.
It will be different this time.
You will not be the soul you buried, for one thing; babbling on about his feats like some sort of blushing schoolgirl. It’s a weakness to him, you know that now- it’d be hard not to when all he’s ever done to your praise is force-feed it back to you.
Something on your mind, pal?
The voice is right on the money, along with everything else about him. You spent a shit-ton of time on the model, one step forward and three back with what you know he’d say and what you wish he would.
There is fondness in his eyes and it makes bile rise in your throat. You want to keep staring at him, to ask him what the fuck his problem is, to do anything but what you planned to.
But you can’t.
So you tell him you’ve been thinking, emphasize that it’s in his best interest to hear you out, and stress that you are equals here- as close as such a thing can exist in Hell. You ask him to be with you.
Come now, Vox, don’t tell me you honestly think we’re on the same level!
You restart the simulation before he can laugh in your face.
Loop #7
You love him so much it turns you spineless, so you get a drink for yourself as you bide your time. The alcohol is a self-inflicted placebo, trying it’s best to sooth your mind in the uneasy silence.
Uneasy to you, at least. He is still peaceful, ears relaxed and pointed towards you. It’s adorable, and in this moment, you’re sure you can tell him that. You can ask to touch them, too, and he won’t call you a fucking creep for it.
He doesn’t touch you, something you realized while programming his model. He will toy around with everyone else and he will get in your face to tell you how stupid you are, but he will not touch you.
Even now he won’t, only ever tolerating the contact you place on him. Because he knows how much you crave it, or because the things he admires about you outweigh the things he’s disgusted by, or just so he can fuck with you seventy years down the line.
You keep your hands to yourself as you speak. It doesn’t change anything, so it’s one less thing you can stop lying awake at night thinking about.
Loop #11
You ask him if he would ever accept a partnership and you pray that he says no. If it’s not just you, then maybe it won’t hurt as much. Or maybe it will fuck you even harder that you couldn’t be different; that he’ll always be everything to you and you were barely even a footnote in his afterlife.
You’re not sure if you care anymore, as long as you get answers.
Perhaps. Why do you ask? he stares at you, and you already know that the damage has been done. If you had done this the first time around, you would’ve been too desperate to read the room, following him like a lost pet until the resentment ate you whole.
He’s not the real thing, you’ve got your shit together enough to know that. Just a collection of everything you think you understand about him, and the fact fucks you up all over again.
Loop #29
None of it is real. None of it is real and none of it matters, so who gives a shit? You kiss him.
What in the seven rings has gotten into you-
You’re not sure why you thought that would help.
Loop #44
It’s the same song and dance, over and over and over again. Sometimes you say it all word-for-word, just so you know what to expect when he grinds you to dust.
You need me to join your team!
You should be numb to it by now. You should.
Loop #83
I knew you could be pathetic at times, but I never thought you’d be so weak.
You love him because he is awful and he is incomprehensible and he once thought you were good enough to keep around. Because he’s more of a God than you could ever be.
Loop #166
I am quite disappointed in you.
You love him because what the fuck else are you supposed to do? It might as well be a part of your brand at this point. Because you’ve been in his grasp longer than you’ve been alive, and you can’t even begin to guess what lies beyond it.
Loop #258
There are no friends in Hell, Vincent. I thought you understood that.
Because he can be gentle when he chooses to be, and charming and funny and kind. Because one day he’ll need you for a plan again, and you’ll come running to his side while he lets you think you’re in control. Because he’s had you hooked since the day you met, and you’ll always be chasing your next high.
Loop #???
You love him you love him you love him-
END SIMULATION: YES/NO?
-and you are so very tired.