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The last week had seemed longer than seven days. Between worrying about Maya and learning the truth of so much history, by the time the trial was over Phoenix was exhausted. His mind was still running wild. Thoughts of Iris filled his head. Meeting officially the woman he had actually dating for many months and understanding what had happened with Daliah years ago when Phoenix had found himself on trial. Could he love Iris? He had for a long, or at least convinced himself that he had, but thoughts of love always brought him to a train of thought that he was trying to avoid.
Love was hard to even consider. It left a sour taste in his mouth. He had at least been infatuated with Daliah-No, not Daliah, Iris- but he could not deny the other person that invaded his thoughts at the thought of love-a man who was like poison to himself, who could never seem to find all the pieces to put himself back together. For so long Phoenix would have said it was love, openly and proudly if not for the fear of shattering the man he wanted to protect.
-
At nine years old, Phoenix was in love with a proud boy, full of spirit and hope. Miles Edgeworth defended Phoenix when he had nothing on his side. That was when Phoenix first found himself indebted to the other and in awe of the other.
Soon enough however Miles broke for the first time. Phoenix barely saw anything of the other boy, just a sad young man, going off alone.
-
Phoenix was pulled from his thoughts by a knock at his door. Who would be visiting him? To his surprise, the mystery person behind the door was none other than Miles Edgeworth himself. Without even realizing it, Phoenix smiled and to his surprise the other man responded with a warm smile. What Phoenix would give to see him smile like that all the time.
He did not hesitate to invite Miles in, but was inwardly nervous that the mess in the office might make the prosecutor uncomfortable. After all, this was his first visit to the office. Phoenix faltered slightly at that, despite the here years it has been in his possession, Miles had never visited him before. Then again, he had never been good at keeping in touch.
-
No letters. No calls. Nothing. Despite Phoenix's attempts to contact his best friend, he got no reply.
It took until college for Phoenix to see the effects of how shattered Miles had been. An article caught the art students attention, "Demon Prosector." Need to repay his debt and learn the truth drew Phoenix to find a way to meet the boy from his childhood. He could not let Miles be gone forever.
-
"God, is this really the first time you've been here?" It was hard to believe and he did not what to admit that it stung. Despite how close they had gotten since reuniting, Miles had never even been to the place that Phoenix spent all his time. However he also could not help be happy that the prosecutor had come, even if it took three years.
"I think so, yes" was the answer he got. Simple and straightforward.
Phoenix tried to think about what he could do. He did not have a lot of personal guests that did not immediately make themselves at home. Tea! Miles liked tea. He moved to the small side kitchen in the office and dug through his cupboards. Before he was ready to admit defeat, Phoenix spotted the small box that had been pushed to the back of the pantry. After fishing out the box, he began to move around the kitchen. Filling a mug with tap water, he wondered how he was even supposed to make tea. The water was supposed to be hot, so he put it in the microwave, setting the time based on how long he heated the water for instant ramen noodles. While he waited, Phoenix examined the tea box for instructions. It seemed he was out of luck, because apparently tea was the one thing in the world that came without any directions. Letting out a sigh, Phoenix pulled the mug from the microwave, burning his hand slightly on the hot handle. Deciding he had come to far to back out, the defense attorney plunked a tea bag in the water and watched as the water got darker. When it looked like the right color for tea he pulled it out and tossed it in the trash before bringing the drink out to his waiting guest.
Proudly he sets the mug in front of his friend and receives a thank you in return.
They sit in silence for a while. Miles had never been a talkative person, so it was not unusual. However Phoenix had never been patient and curiosity was overcoming him about the purpose of the prosecutors visit.
"So. What brings you here? You're not exactly the type for friendly, casual visits." He inquired lightheartedly. Although there was something off about other man's demeanor, that could be discussed later on.
The other man opened his mouth to respond but then shut it quickly. Instead of making another attempt, Miles seemed to be taken by Phoenix's lips.
"What is it, Edgeworth?" He tried again.
For the first time, Phoenix witnessed the other man fumble over his words, obviously trying to get something out. It made Phoenicx nervous. Whatever made Miles like that was not gonna be something good. His brain was filling quickly with hypothetical worries based on what he thought Edgeworth might say.
"What's wrong?" Phoenix asked. He waited for the response, but it was nothing that he could have ever expected.
Miles kissed him. Miles was still kissing him! He wanted to push back and lose himself in the kiss.
-
Miles had always been all consuming for Phoenix.
After studying and working hard, he finally made it. He was going to face off against Miles is court. When he first saw him again after almost 15 years, Phoenix could not reconcile the man before him with the boy that defended him so long ago.
He had to get back the Miles he knew. He needed to see the Miles he knew so he could finally tell him that he loved him and always had.
-
Phoenix began to give into the press of the surprise kiss.
-
Finally he seemed to be getting through to Miles. The prosecutor was freed from the clutches of his foster father. Phoenix had seen him smile more genuinely that he had for so long. It seemed like finally Miles would be ready for Phoenix to tell him how he felt.
At the height of Phoenix's hope however, Miles Edgeworth chose death.
-
His mind returned to him and Phoenix pushed his head against the prosecutor's chest. He could not do this. No matter how easy it would be to fall into Edgeworth's arms, Phoenix could not. Looking into the other man's eyes, he let out an awkward huff of a laugh, "So what was that all about?"
Edgeworth started tripping over his words again and Phoenix could not stand to watch it.
"Edgeworth.."
“No, Wright, I… let me speak freely, please. You were … always there when no one else was. Even in my childhood, you kept sending me those letters despite never getting an answer – for which I am sorry – and … I still have them all and like reading them from time to time.”
At a pause in Edgeworth's speech Phoenix thought about responding, but could not find the words. Instead he tried to retreat into himself and protect himself, hoping that this was not happening. Even a year ago he would have welcomed the confession, but at this point he knew that he could not accept it. Edgeworth continued speaking.
“It took me a long time to finally becoming aware of what it is that makes … being around you such a pleasant experience, but I know now what it is and I … need to tell you.”
Phoenix wanted to scream. No! He did not want those words to leave the other man's mouth. He promised himself that he would protect himself no matter how much he wanted to take care of Edgeworth and show him with love. Despite his denial, the words still came from Edgeworth's mouth.
“I… I am … in love with you, Wright.”
-
Edgeworth was dead, he was moving on. He was getting through it.
Then Edgeworth was alive again and Phoenix's life fell into shambles. The pieces he had put together so carefully shattered. Anger. Betrayal. Grief. Came crashing down in waves. That was the first time he let himself lash out at the prosecutor and that was the day that he decided that he had to take care of himself. It was too much pain to go through again. He could not keep putting Edgeworth together at the sacrifice of himself.
-
Phoenix had no idea how long he sat there, denying himself for his own sake. He would not even look at the other man, he simply examined the loose threads on his pants.
Edgeworth spoke again, but Phoenix did not hear it. He knew the other was waiting for a response. "Edgeworth, listen. I …” He was desperate, and Mia's words echoed in his brain so he laughed, just a little, "I love you, Edgeworth," he shook his head a bit, "As a friend." Phoenix pushed through. The other man deserved an explanation, "I care very much about you, I think this should be obvious, and I'm so thankful for your help with Iris. It means a lot to me. I'm also very happy that you're fine. That you're alive and well. But …”
Phoenix could hear Miles breaking again and this time because of him, "But I… I thought you were.."
"For a while, I thought the same. I mean…” He laughs again, as he can not believe this is happening. Maybe it was a nightmare. "You and I… There was /something/ right?”
"What's the problem then" Edgeworth's voice was smaller than Phoenix had ever heard.
His heart felt like it had been gripped by a fist. He had to shove out the word, "You"
"M-me?" Edgeworth's voice sounded surprised, though his face showed understanding.
"You're … too broken. I don't have time nor nerves for that, Edgeworth. Even if it makes me sound like an asshole. I just … I have to protect myself, do you understand?” Phoenix cringed at his own words. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Edgeworth more.
“Wright, what… What are you talking about?” Edgeworth's voice held disbelief on the edge of denial.
From there a dam broke somewhere in Phoenix. All the words he needed to say to Edgeworth came spilling out. He did not blame the man. It was not his fault, but Phoenix could not be the one to shoulder his burdens as a lover would.
He felt like an asshole and he was not making it any better. Phoenix wished he could sink into the couch. It was hard to even look at Edgeworth's face as he spoke. Phoenix can not take it. It is too much.
Edgeworth begged him him to reconsider. The desperation in the prosecutors voice sparked something in Phoenix. He was trying so hard to make things okay and protect himself while holding onto Edgeworth. It was unbecoming of him to beg. If there was ever a time Phoenix needed stoic Edgeworth it was then.
He resists tears. He will not cry in front of the other man. All of his fight drained out of him so quickly, and all he wanted was to be okay, but even protecting himself, Phoenix was still breaking.
"You could fix me"
The words rang in Phoenix's ears. It seemed Edgeworth still did not understand. He did not understand how hard this was and how torn Phoenix was to be the cause of Edgeworth's pain.
"I did. Not just once. And I'm tired. I'm tired of watching you fall apart again and again, rebuilding yourself together with my help before it all starts anew because it can never last. … Edgeworth, I don't want to be with someone who … needs to be fixed for the rest of his life.”
He said it. The words that he needed to get out more than any others. Edgeworth could not be in a relationship with Phoenix because he could fix him. What happened when Phoenix fell apart? What if it hits a point that Phoenix could not make a difference. Dependence was not a basis of love.
The lack of protest was not much better than begging. He did not like the idea that Edgeworth might walk away and truly never come back. He shook his head again.
"Edgeworth. Please, say something. I don't want this to destroy our friendship.” So much more lay under the surface of the words. Do not abandon me because of this. Please be okay. I can still be here even if not in the way you want.
"I thank you for your honesty, Wright.” Edgeworth stood and looked as if he was going to leave. Just like that, without resolutions without a true conversation. He was just going to run away and leave Phoenix alone again. Maybe he was the selfish one then, but he could not let Edgeworth keep running. Even if they decided that they would never speak again, Phoenix needed the prosecutor to understand, or at least accept it.
Wright doesn't move, but he speaks. He tried to explain this, but none of the words that left his mouth seemed to reach Edgeworth's ears. Phoenix needed him to listen.
"It's pathetic, Edgeworth. You're better than that. It's a shame you can't see that.” Somehow Phoenix felt numb, destroyed, and hurt all at once. If Edgeworth had turned around he would have seen the tears that finally fell from the defense attorneys eyes, but he did not look back. Yet again, Miles Edgeworth walked out of his life and Phoenix could not stop him.
When the click of the door rang through the office, everything Phoenix had held back came crashing down. He grabbed one of the pillows from the couch and screamed until he could not breath and the fabric beneath him was soaking in tears and saliva. Even then, Phoenix did not care to move his head, rather he let his body go limp and willed the grasp of sleep to take him.