Work Text:
Izzy took a deep breath in, his hand hovering over the doorbell. He looked up and down the street, finding it thankfully deserted. It looked cosy. This row of identical terraced mews houses, with their small juliet balconies and flower pots. Christmas lights all up, giving the street a soft glow that even he, who could be a little Grinchy, had to admit was very pretty.
His hand remained hovering over the doorbell. He let out a noise of discontent and withdrew it.
This was stupid. SO stupid. He couldn’t do this.
Could he?
Or more aptly, maybe he shouldn’t do this.
Let’s rewind a little shall we?
Izzy and Ed had met at Hornigold Tattoos over twenty years ago. Ed had been a bright young apprentice who strode into the shop and into Izzy’s life. Ed’s dark yet fascinating designs were an overnight sensation and he instantly brought in new customers far and wide to Ben’s failing shop. Izzy aligned himself to Ed straight away, spying an opportunity to get out of Hornigold’s shop - Ben was not the most encouraging of managers nor did he like the fact that this new ‘kid’ was being heralded as the reason for newfound success. Izzy encouraged Ed to ask Ben for more money, put his designs up front and eventually when Ed had amassed enough of a waiting list, they jumped ship together, setting up Blackbeard’s as co-owners.
However, it was not just a business opportunity that ensured Izzy left to be by Ed’s side. When they met, they seemed to find a kindred spirit in one another, opening up about their joint turbulent childhoods (aka the Bad Dad club) causing them to become close. They used to laugh and have fun together, setting up the shop late at night, learning how to be business owners and do taxes and figuring all of that stuff out together with an easy camaraderie. Ed was bold and brilliant and you’d have to be blind not to notice how gorgeous he was. Izzy admired him and that feeling settled into something permanent within his chest. Love.
Izzy didn’t know what to do with love, no-one had ever shown him how to woo or date someone beyond one or two fucks after a mediocre meal at a chain restaurant. Ed meant far more to him than that so Izzy resolved that he… just wouldn’t tell him. The fear of losing the one person he had a solid connection with was too much to bear. It was better to just stay friends, better to show up day by day at the shop, working overtime together, making the brand more successful, going for a couple of drinks with the crew before going home alone. Izzy was a little terrified of how his oh-so-familiar routine would change without Ed there as a constant - and therefore a constant source of affection for Izzy to latch onto - but maybe just maybe, if he kept Ed close by, he’d have the same realisation that maybe… they could work together in a different way as well.
Over time as Blackbeards got bigger, Ed got smaller and Izzy could feel him wanting to slip away so he had to find a way to bring him back. Izzy would push and push and push Ed into a role he hadn’t ever really been comfortable with but he was the front man of the business, somebody had to do it and there is no way in hell Izzy could ever pull off the effortless charm that Ed had, the thing that drew people into his orbit. If Izzy just managed to keep him close, surely one day Ed would see everything as Izzy did right, that maybe they could try and be together? Izzy would create just one more special offer, one more social media event, one more video to go viral on the internet, one more design that was dark and mysterious, blacks and purples that enticed the viewer in, leaning into the Kraken imagery Ed had once so favoured in his youth. One more thing to keep Ed from selling up.
But then, stupid fucking Stede Bonnet entered their lives.
He captivated Ed, did something to his brain with all his fancy clothes and his poncy speech patterns. He completely swept Ed off his feet so entirely that there was no way Izzy would ever even be considered competition. They’d fallen in love, simple as, but it shattered an illusion Izzy had held for so long.
Ed and Stede had met when Stede and his friend Roach opened up a coffee shop a few doors down and Ed came back with a ridiculously over-the-top more sugar than coffee drink and a smile on his face that Izzy had only seen on the rare occasions Ed had been ecstatic about something. He’d seen that smile on Ed more in the last few months than he had in the last two decades of their friendship.
Not that Ed knew Izzy had been in love with him for years, so it wasn’t like he was being cruel and flaunting it. Ed just thought his best friend didn’t like the man he loved. Izzy had heard, “if you just get to know him better Iz, you’ll like him,” or, “for me, can you not just give him a chance?” far too much recently.
And to be fair, Izzy had tried. Tried to reconcile and push away all of his feelings and the fact he’d never been brave enough to say anything to Ed. The fear of rejection and loss always always getting in his way.
Izzy didn’t even really hate Stede, not properly. He was eccentric and dressed like a Georgian dandy, sure. He could be judgey (but then so could Izzy) and he could disarm annoying customers with the perfect blend of politeness and passive aggression. Blonds had never been his type but even Izzy had to admit the man had really good arms.
Stede did love Ed, it was plain to see. Izzy couldn’t begrudge him that.
Ed reasoned that ‘when you know, you know’ and the fact that Ed hadn’t known for the years they had been friends sent a message to Izzy that it was time to move on.
That was the whole point of this stunt tonight. To… apologise? Explain maybe?
He shuffled the placards in his arms.
The thing was everything started to topple downwards, slowly but then all at once. It had all started on Ed and Stede’s wedding day.
~
Ed and Stede got married on December 1st - both of them keen lovers of the Christmas season, wanting to enjoy their first Christmas together as a married couple. Izzy had attended and had stood dutifully at Ed’s side at the altar as his best man, despite the melancholic feeling he got from seeing Ed get married to someone else.
He’d supported the whirlwind wedding, held the rings, applauded when Stede swept Ed into his arms with a kiss that looked like a heartstopper when they were announced as husbands. Izzy had even organised a surprise Fleetwood Mac tribute as they entered the reception, both Ed and Stede’s favourite band. Ed had given him a huge hug and a sloppy wet kiss on the cheek, yelling at him happily and elated, ‘Iz! This is so great, thank you!’.
Izzy had wiped away the saliva from his face and worn his usual scowl despite the clutch of longing in his stomach. Ed had always been free with casual touch in a way Izzy had never been but he could see the difference in the everyday pat on the back or shoulder he’d given Izzy and the crew many times over compared to how he held Stede’s hand or brushed hair from his face or pulled him in to kiss him, claiming him, possessing him. Loving him.
The wedding had continued, they’d eaten their dinner - and as wedding food goes, it was actually very decent Izzy had to admit - , they’d done toasts - the one thing Izzy had refused to do. ‘Really Edward, I’m not getting up in front of a room full of people to tell them how wonderful you and Bonnet are.’ Fang had spoken instead, gaining rapturous applause and laughter that bounced off the walls in the room.
The dancing started in earnest shortly after Ed and Stede had taken to the floor locked in more of an embrace than a dance to Etta James’ ‘At Last’. Izzy excused himself outside to take a moment. This venue had a covered porch, with a few tables and chairs outside, soft golden fairy lights shining in the dark evening.
Sat next to a burning fire pit on a small picnic bench was Fang and Stede’s best man Lucius. Lucius was a sassy 30-something, who used to work for Stede and as far as Izzy understands it, essentially coached him through his big Gay Awakening about two years ago when he got divorced. He reckons Stede thinks of the boy like a little brother but Izzy also believes that Lucius very much has the upper hand in their relationship in terms of queer wisdom.
Fang and Lucius were chatting, their vapes in their hands, small clouds of sweet-smelling vapour dispelling around them. Fang was playing around with his camcorder - he does some volunteer work for a local bird and wildlife sanctuary filming out in the woods to observe certain animal populations - Fang had decided to film a few select clips for tonight, as a sort of more personal wedding video for the happy couple.
“Hey Iz,” Fang said brightly as he spotted him. “You alright?”
Izzy nodded, standing a little off to the side, not quite wanting to join in with an obligation of being conversational just yet.
“I’m going for a piss, can you look after the camera for me please Lu?” Fang said, stretching a little as he stood up, leaving the camera on the table.
“Sure thing. Hurry back though, I was enjoying chatting with you,” Lucius said, his eyebrow raising flirtatiously as he leant forward to rest his chin on his hands.
Izzy suppressed a smirk as he saw Fang blush a little in the soft glow of lights as he turned away back inside.
The silence fell a little awkwardly with Fang’s departure, just the muffled sound of music inside - now they had moved onto the disco portion of the evening and September by Earth, Wind and Fire was blasting out. Izzy tilted his head upwards to look at the night sky, a silent marvel coming over him that he could see the stars out here, they were normally more faded in the city with the pollution that tends to hang over London.
“Sit down will you? You’re making me feel squirmy just watching you stand there all surly,” Lucius said after a short while.
Izzy looked over at him quizzically, his brow furrowed in the ‘who, me?’ of it all.
“Sit. We haven’t ever really had a chance to chat now have we?” Lucius said, breathing out a puff of vapour from his vape, the air around them suddenly smelling like strawberry sweets.
Izzy found himself sitting in the chair Fang had vacated, the boy was surprisingly dynamic with his instructions. Lucius waved a hand to dispel the sweet scent in the area. “Sorry, I am fully aware it’s not as sexy as smoking but you know, figured I’d maybe try and preserve my lungs just a bit longer.”
“Those things are probably just as bad,” Izzy reasoned.
Lucius shrugged. “Maybe, but I’ll live in ignorance until then.” The boy paused and Izzy felt a determined gaze directed at him. He looked up to meet Lucius’s eyes and clocked that he was watching him closely, with a strange expression on his face.
Izzy felt a little uneasy at the sudden intense scrutiny. He met Lucius’s narrowed eyes and huffed his contempt. “What?”
Lucius seemed to make a decision, letting outside a long exhale before putting his vape down and propping his chin on his hands.
“Have you ever told him?”
“Told who what?”
Lucius raised an eyebrow at him. The strange expression, Izzy finally caught on to what it was - sympathy.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Izzy said, his arms crossing across his chest in defiance.
Lucius rolled his eyes and gestured inside. Through the glass doors of the patio, the room looked golden and bright with Ed and Stede in the centre of the dancefloor, laughing in each other’s arms as the music played on.
“Izzy. Babe. I am an incredibly observant hyper-vigilant bitch with a heightened romantic radar. So… have you ever told him?”
Lucius was staring at him, his gaze pinched and determined. There was complete sincerity in his eyes. How had this kid Izzy barely knew figured out something Ed hadn’t noticed in 20 years?
There was silence in the air, pointed and tense. Izzy stared right back at the boy, not fully knowing what to say. But he couldn’t deny it could he? Not when this was the first person to ever ask him this out loud. Izzy suspected Fang knew how he felt, but the man was so sweet he’d never want to upset anyone by bringing something up that could tear their whole crew apart.
But Lucius was practically a stranger, and a stranger at that who purported to be Stede Bonnet’s best friend. Izzy couldn’t see the boy’s endgame here; was he about to give Izzy some shovel talk? Tell him to stay away from Ed? Spread gossip about Izzy the lovesick idiot? Run to Stede? Or… could it actually be… the boy just wanted to talk to him about it?
Izzy gave Lucius one more course look but his usual alarm bells around new people weren’t ringing for him with this kid. Screw it.
“No.” Izzy admitted with a deep inhale.
“Do you think maybe you should?”
“He’s married now, what good will it do?”
“Might be good for you. I don’t think Ed is in love with you. But he does love you. And you deserve to move on, you know? Be happy. I think if you tell him, it might help you to have some closure.”
Izzy hardened a little, what did he know about any of this?”
“Oh yeah? And what would I say? By the way Ed, I know we’ve been business partners and best friends for over 20 years but I’ve actually been madly in love with you this whole time and I was so desperate to keep you by my side that I tried to force you into being big scary tattoo artist Blackbeard even when I knew it wasn’t making you happy and actually all I have ever wanted is for you to be happy and it kills me that it’s with him and not me.”
The words tumbled out of him, words he hadn’t dared to voice out loud ever before.
“Well I wouldn’t phrase it quite like that, but words to that effect might help, sure,” Lucius responded drily, but there was a small smile on his face.
Lucius sighed with the world-weariness of a wise village elder and not a 32-year old graphic designer. “Look Izzy, I think you’re actually quite brave you know? You’ve been secretly pining after him for years and yet you still showed up here, you organised that sweet tribute band earlier. You seem to acknowledge the fact that while Stede isn’t your kind of a person, you know he is Ed’s person.”
Izzy sighed, surprised he was even talking about this but Lucius seemed an easy person to let his guard down around. He was astute enough to even notice any of this, and sussed out that actually maybe Izzy did want to talk to someone about it at long last. It seemed easier somehow to pour his heart out to a stranger.
“For what it’s worth… I think they’re good together. They balance each other out. I did try to intervene, I tried to dig up dirt on Bonnet, bad-mouthed him to Ed with no real basis, even considered calling up Ed’s ex Jack, to put a spanner in the works.”
Lucius raised an eyebrow at this but didn’t interrupt, just offered the space to let Izzy speak.
“But Jack really is a twat. And while I do think Bonnet is a bit of a twat too, he's at least a twat with good intentions and all Jack brings is a hangover most of the time.”
Lucius let out a huff of laughter. “Yeah I’ve known my fair share of people like that. Never worth the headache either.”
Izzy nodded in agreement. “And I think ultimately I just knew it would risk me losing my friend at the end of it all if I did that. He’s still important to me, always will be, I reckon.”
“Probably yeah. You know I thought I’d have a much harder time getting any of this out of you? Thought you’d resist talking to a practical stranger about all this emotional stuff.”
Izzy looked away, knowing his face was flushing a little at the kind words. “Yeah, well… I’m not as heartless as everyone thinks I am.”
Lucius smiled. “I don’t think you’re heartless, you just might end up breaking your own heart if you’re not careful. I think maybe you should have the conversation with Ed one day. It will hopefully help him realise why you’ve been such a dick to him in recent years too,” Izzy looked up a little sharply at this, how the hell did Lucius know so much?!
“Don’t look at me like that, Stede tells me pretty much everything,” he said with a quick smirk before his expression softened again. “Maybe you need some space from each other. You’re clearly capable of loving someone and whoever they are will be so lucky. But it can’t be him. Not anymore.”
Izzy stayed quiet, blinking away the tears that were threatening in his eyes, hoping he could blame it on the cold night air. Lucius had already spotted one vulnerability, he didn't need to see any more.
Lucius opened his mouth as if to say something else but Izzy heard the hitch in his breath as he hesitated.
“What is it?” he asked.
“We don’t know each other well, right?”
Izzy nodded.
“But hopefully you’ve gathered I’m adept at sussing people out. Hell, I knew Stede was gay from the moment I met him even if he was still ‘happily married’” - here Lucius added air quotation marks around the phrase - “to Mary at that point.”
Izzy nodded again, wondering where the boy was going with this. “You can say it. Whatever it is.”
“I just wonder if… when you’re reflecting on how or whether you should tell Ed, you really look at those feelings. Is it love or is it a fierce admiration and a comfortable proximity to Ed? Because you always had him, and the business to keep you together. That way, neither of you had to go and find anything real. Until Stede Bonnet turns up apparently. He has that effect on people,” Lucius grinned fondly, his eyes flicking back inside to look at his friend.
Izzy took in the words, a little stunned. Huh.
“I… err… hm. You don’t hold back.”
Lucius smiled. “Told you I was an observant bitch,” he shrugged. “Besides, Izzy, my last observation is that you are a handsome man. I personally would quite happily climb you like a tree… or you know, some other appropriate metaphor given the height difference.”
Izzy had to laugh at that, it was nice to be considered as an object of desire. He wasn’t sure anyone had felt like that about him in a while. He’d dated the odd person throughout the years and had a few hook-ups as well but he’d never fully committed to anyone for obvious reasons.
“I’m old enough to be your Dad.”
“Not the turn off you think that might be.”
Izzy looked up at Lucius, finding that he was already smiling sincerely at him.
“Thanks. For all of this talk,” he said quietly.
“Anytime. Here,” Lucius passed him a business card. “Stede had me make these when I did the logo for the shop. Call me if you ever want to talk. Or see if I can follow through on that metaphor to climb up or down you,” he said with his eyebrows wiggling as he stood up to head inside just as Fang was making his return. Izzy grinned slightly, watching him leave. He was quite cute, he had to admit.
Izzy pocketed the card and inhaled deeply, looking back up at the stars, regulating himself in a moment of quiet again before he could turn his attention to Fang, who is always a welcome distraction from his own thoughts.
Lucius was right, the closure was needed. Maybe he would tell Ed. He’d tell Ed and then maybe go on a little break from the shop and everything.
One day.
Just not yet.
~
As it happened the choice got rather taken away from him, however accidental it might have been.
Just over a week after the wedding, Ed practically waltzed into Blackbeard’s.
“Alright crew?” he said, patting Izzy on the shoulder as he walked past before settling against the counter. They’d closed up for lunch so there were no customers around for now. Fang and Izzy were sitting near the reception desk and Archie was in the back corner tidying up her station after finishing up a large back tattoo with a client that morning.
“How was the unofficial honeymoon?” Fang asked with a smile. Ed and Stede had decided to just have a few days away at an isolated cosy wood cabin in the countryside and they’d take a bigger trip at some point in spring for their ‘official’ honeymoon.
“It was gorgeous, thank you! Just me and him and good food and fires and very little clothing,” he said, his eyebrows lifting suggestively.
Izzy looked at his hands, picking at a bit of black nail polish he had on there, trying to tune out a little of whatever act he was suddenly describing to Fang. He had never exactly loved hearing about Ed’s sexual escapades but especially not now they were desperately romantic and tender and full of admiration about Bonnet’s dick.
He flashed back into the conversation as he saw Fang open the lid of his laptop, plugging the camera in.
“I haven’t looked through any of it yet, I don’t know if it’s any good.”
“That’s okay, I just want to see what footage you got is all, bro,” Ed was saying, huddling close to Fang to look at the screen. “The photographer said it’s gonna be at least a few weeks until our official wedding video is ready and we’re both impatient about it,” Ed chuckled.
Rather than listen to the words of awe that were likely to start, he decided he’d make his excuses. “I’m going to go make my lunch, does anyone want anything from the kitchen?”
“I’ll have a coffee please Iz!” Fang replied over his shoulder as he loaded up the videos on his laptop.
Izzy nodded and extricated himself to the converted store cupboard that was now a small kitchenette, hidden by a beaded curtain that jangled every time anyone went through it. He flicked the kettle on for Fang’s coffee and rifled in the fridge for the leftover pasta he’d brought in, stealing one of Archie’s Diet Coke stash that she left in there. (Her own fault, she never marked them, Izzy reasoned.)
The whoosh of the kettle didn’t quite drown out the sound of Fang and Ed gushing over the video clips as they went through the various sections Fang had filmed. “Aw I look quite pretty don’t I?” he heard Ed say, presumably when he was walking down the aisle. This was swiftly followed by the moment the whoops and cheers of their guests as they walked back down the aisle as husbands. Izzy had looked away from the moment as such but he’d clapped along with the rest of them. There were then some clips of the Fleetwood Mac band that Izzy had organised and he overheard Ed say, ‘I really loved that bit of the day,’ His heart swelled just a little knowing that at least his gesture was appreciated.
Izzy had made a decision on all of this. He knew he definitely felt feelings of love towards Ed, for almost as long as they had known each other, but he’d been stuck right there in those feelings for twenty years without having made a move and now Ed was firmly off limits. He needed some time out. After Christmas, he’d sit Ed down. Tell him everything and then leave Blackbeards for a while, take a break, go travelling, see if he can find something else out there. He did also pay heed to Lucius’s words - that maybe actually it wasn’t love, just strong admiration. Not that Izzy would know how to separate the two at this point. It would be best for everyone to have a little space when his admission was out in the open. He knew that admitting anything would be more for him than Ed. It will more than likely upset both Ed and Stede, and while it would be an unintended consequence, it is time Izzy put himself first. He’s spent years at Blackbeard’s as the second in command and behind the scenes - his own fault for cultivating that role for himself. But he wasn’t getting younger and he had to start living again. Ed was getting the rest of his life started; it was high time Izzy did too.
The kettle flicked off and Izzy grabbed Fang’s favourite mug - ‘best dog dad!- off the shelf and scooped in the instant coffee. To be fair even Izzy had to admit, the two minute walk to Bonnet’s cafe down the street did always yield better coffee than this but sometimes needs must.
He was about to put his pasta in the microwave to heat up when he heard Fang say something that set alarm bells off in his head.
“Huh, I don’t remember filming whatever this is, why is it just the outside porch?”
“There’s people there through right, maybe you were filming the sky or lights outside?” Ed replied. “Wait, isn't that Lucius talking?”
“Yeah, and Izzy.”
Shit, shit shiiiiiit, shit.
Izzy practically jumped out of the kitchen through the bead curtain and they both looked up at him, startled at his sudden appearance.
“I’m sure if it’s just talking, it’s nothing important,” Izzy said, desperate to stop this as he made his way over to the laptop, reaching for it to press fast forward.
Ed swatted his hand away. “Hey, these are video clips of my wedding, you’re not skipping any of it.”
“He’s married now, what good will it do?”
Izzy heard his own voice come out of the tinny laptop speaker and he could feel his heartbeat in his ears.
Ed frowned at the words and a murmur of “what?” came out of his mouth as he turned his attention back to the screen.
“Ed might not be in love with you. But he loves you. And you deserve to move on, you know? Be happy. I think if you tell him, it might help you to have some closure.”
Silence fell in the room as the realisation hit all of them at the same time, the trainwreck was in motion, the accident was happening. Izzy was frozen to the spot and he didn’t dare look up at Ed.
“Oh yeah? And what would I say? By the way Ed, I know we’ve been business partners and best friends for over 20 years but I’ve actually been madly in love with you this whole time and I was so desperate to keep you by my side that I tried to force you into being big scary tattoo artist Blackbeard even when I knew it wasn’t making you happy and actually all I have ever wanted is for you to be happy and it kills me that it’s with him and not me.”
Fang finally came to his senses enough to hit pause on the video just after Izzy’s confession was out in the open. “I … er, guess I left the camera running when I went to the bathroom,” he said to no-one in particular, but there was a strained tone in his voice. Apologetic for Izzy, an explanation for Ed.
“Iz,” Ed said softly, and Izzy felt him turn towards him, his hand lifting as if to touch him on the shoulder. “Maybe we should -”
“I have to go,” Izzy blurted out quickly, interrupting him, still not daring to look at him, scared whether he’d see anger or pity in those beautiful brown eyes. He couldn’t bear to have Ed or anyone touch him right now, he felt like he was on fire. “Forgot about an appointment. Yes. Won’t be back for the rest of the day. Sorry. I’ll let myself out.”
He bolted from the shop, leaving his bag and coat behind despite the cold winter air. “Izzy!” he heard Ed shout after him, but he couldn’t. Couldn’t hear whatever Ed had to say, not today. This hadn’t been part of the plan, for it to all just come out like that without any warning.
He ran for a couple of streets until he was safely away and confident nobody had come after him. He stopped to catch his breath, just by the high street, looking down at all of the Christmas displays and lights strewn up between the buildings, people going about their days. Their carefree festive walk around town now dampened by a sad little man on the sidelines.
“Fuck,” he said out loud as the tears he’d probably been needing to cry for months finally spilled over, the streaks feeling icy cold on his face in the freezing air.
What the fuck was he going to do now?
~
Izzy returned to his little terraced townhouse in the dodgy end of Wandsworth. Autopilot got him to his front door and by the time he snapped out of it, he was sitting on his sofa staring blankly at the wall. He looked around the living room, it was comfy and functional but it was somewhat empty. No pictures, no personal trinkets, he’d never really thought to collect any. He didn’t even have any Christmas decorations up, last few years he’d gone to Fang and Ivan’s on the day for lunch but would spend the evening back at his own place with a whiskey and a Doctor Who marathon.
It felt like he’d been waiting for something this whole time, placing Ed in the phantom role of boyfriend where he was never really going to fit. Had he wasted everything, waiting for something that was never going to arrive?
His phone lit up with a call. Edward Teach. It was about the eighth time he’d called in the last few hours, as well as several texts. Fang had messaged too. Izzy could have sworn he even saw a text from Bonnet in there somewhere, just asking if Izzy was okay.
Izzy felt humiliated that his admission had been taken out of his control like that but it wasn’t Fang’s fault. Maybe he should just go, take that trip he’d been planning to. It’s not like he had anything or anyone here to keep him around.
Another message from Ed popped up.
Iz, please mate. I get it, you want some space right now, I’ll take the hint. Just give me a sign of life, let me or Fang know you’re safe yeah?
Izzy didn’t want him to worry unnecessarily so he simply sent back a thumbs up emoji, which Ed swiftly love-hearted.
He sighed, somehow too wired and too exhausted to make anything for dinner. So he went straight to his food delivery app, ordering the same meal of chicken chow mein and veggie spring rolls that he got every time he couldn’t be bothered to cook. Even that was always the same he realised. Something had to give in this whole stagnant routine.
He absent-mindedly flicked the TV on for some background noise, something to waste the time with while he was waiting for his food to arrive.
Love Actually was on. He hadn’t seen this one in a while. Ed loved this film, it was his favourite Christmas movie and he always used to swoon a little at the notion that ‘love really is all around’. Not something Izzy had ever particularly subscribed to.
The film was close to the end and there was Andrew Lincoln (does anyone actually know the character’s names in this film?) with his little portable stereo and his placards to tell Keira Knightley that he was in love with her after filming her creepily at her wedding.
Huh.
Their situations were not totally dissimilar. (Although Izzy would like to think he at least hadn’t been a creep about this whole thing, if anything he’d been quite gracious about Ed getting married so far.)
An idea came to him, a stupid, insane and slightly hilarious idea but nevertheless, one that might give him both the out he needed and the chance to explain.
~
Back on the street, Izzy hovered above the doorbell again. It has been a few days since the video in the tattoo shop. He hadn’t been back to work - perks of being a co-owner that he could get away without showing up - and Ed had kept to his word, giving Izzy space with no more calls or texts. Izzy had spoken to Fang a couple of times - who was almost in tears trying to apologise that he hadn’t known about that clip when Izzy did eventually pick up the phone - but Izzy assured him it was okay. It was his own fault for not saying anything all these years really.
He’d spent the day following through on his potentially very stupid idea, hoping this plan wouldn’t backfire on him. He felt like he at least was able to say what he needed to via this medium and at this point, he’d embarrassed himself enough, what was one more thing? (He also realised this plan relied heavily on Ed answering the door and not Stede… a risk he would have to take.)
He pressed the doorbell.
There was movement from an upstairs window and a muffled “I’ll get it!” - Ed’s voice thankfully - before Izzy heard footsteps running down the stairs to open the door.
It opened to reveal Ed, black pyjama bottoms and fluffy grey slippers on his feet, an old Queen t-shirt on under his navy blue robe.
“Izzy! Hi,” Ed smiled at him. He pulled his robe around his waist a little tighter and held the doorframe in his hand, leaning against it for support.
“I’m really glad you’re here, I wanted-” Ed started to say but paused when Izzy held up a hand to shush him and pressed play on his phone. A choral version of Silent Night started playing and Ed’s eyebrows shot up in amusement.
“Oh my god, you’re doing the Love Actually thing,” Ed whispered as Izzy shifted to hold his signs up.
“Who is it?” Stede called from upstairs.
Alt text - tell him it's carol singers
Ed rolled his eyes, an amused smirk on his face. “It’s carol singers,” he shouted back.
“Well, give them a quid and tell them to bugger off,” Stede replied, his own laugh apparent.
“Stede knows it’s you by the way. We have a video doorbell Izzy. We saw you’d been standing out here for ten minutes anyway,” Ed chuckled.
“And I will be watching this back later!! But I’ll … leave you to it for now,” Stede yelled from within the depths of the house.
Izzy bit back his own smile, slightly dismayed he hadn’t factored that into his planning, but no matter, Bonnet was a part of this whether Izzy liked it or not. He moved onto his next sign.
Alt text - with any luck, this time next year, I'll be going out with one of these guys...
Alt description - placard showing Kevin Bacon [top left], Jason Momoa [top right], Pedro Pascal [bottom left], Jonathan Bailey [bottom right]
“Good taste.”
“Keira never interrupted,” Izzy replied gruffly.
“Sorry!”
Alt text - but for now, let me say
Alt text - without hope or agenda
Alt text - just because it's Christmas
Alt text - and at Christmas, you tell the truth
Alt text - to me, you are perfect
Ed’s breath hitched a little as he looked a little pained at seeing Izzy’s words. Izzy’s fear of rejection, and perhaps if he looked more closely at it, the fear of letting someone love him held Izzy back from saying anything all these years.
The look on Ed’s face then told him there and then; that maybe once upon a time, they could have been something. Maybe it might not have been as one-sided as he once thought. But too much tension had happened between the pair of them, too much history, so much shared knowledge about the other, perhaps they were even too similar in some ways. Izzy had pushed him away when he should have pulled Ed closer.
And now Ed was in love with someone else. Someone who saw everything that Ed is and more as he even gets the secret parts of Ed that Izzy had never been privy to. Izzy suspects, seeing how well Ed and Stede fit together, that he and Ed never would have quite fallen into place in the same way anyway.
Alt text- but he is perfect for you
Alt text - and while my wasted heart may love you
Alt text - I want you happy... both of you
Alt text - I'm sorry. Merry Christmas Ed.
“Merry Christmas Iz,” Ed said quietly, looking at him with a sad smile on his face. Their eyes met in the silence as the song came to a close and it might take a while, but Izzy knew at that moment they were going to be okay. Ed was still his friend. He hadn’t ruined everything as he suspected he might have done.
He nodded and gathered his signs up, turning on his heel to walk away. He took a deep breath as he walked, feeling lighter as he did so. The weight of repressed feelings finally lifting from him with each step.
“Izzy! Wait!”
Izzy turned around to see Ed jogging behind him, running down the street to catch up. He put his hands on Izzy’s shoulders and looked at him, his eyes open and wide and sincere. Ed stumbled over his words for a moment but he sighed, and leant in to kiss Izzy on the cheek. Not just a flippant friendly one like he had done before, he pressed in firmly and moved one hand up to gently hold the side of Izzy’s neck.
He pulled back to look at him properly again, squeezing Izzy’s shoulders. “I loved you. Best I could. It’s just….”
Izzy shook his head. “You don’t need to explain. It’s okay. We’re okay.”
“Yeah?” Ed asked, leaving him with one final squeeze before dropping his hands to his side. There was a small flash of light as the metal of Ed’s wedding ring reflected in a nearby twinkly Christmas light.
“Yeah,” Izzy said with a soft smile, his gaze dropping briefly to Ed’s hand. “I am gonna take a little break I think. Use up some of that annual leave you’ve been bugging me to take for years.”
“I think that’s a good idea,” Ed nodded. He looked a little … ashamed? Uncomfortable? Izzy couldn’t quite pinpoint. He was however certain that Bonnet would be able to.
“I hope I never… hurt you, by not noticing. Not returning how you feel, because I guess it’s something we maybe could have explored… or … I don’t know because I never even thought about us like that, not really, but… maybe we could have. But now … I’m sorry Iz,” Ed looked at him, a little strained.
Izzy took a deep breath in. “Nothing to be sorry about. I think it’s safe to say we won’t know now and that’s okay. It was me who hurt me in all of this, not you. But even if I don’t quite get him-” Izzy jerked his head back towards their house and grinned when he saw Stede lurking in their doorway. Stede yelped in surprise at being noticed and side-stepped back into the house a little, before offering Izzy a small wave and a genuine smile.
Izzy returned the wave and looked up at Ed, already finding him looking back at Stede, the affection in his heart-eyes so apparent.
“Even if I don’t get him, he gets you, in ways I couldn’t. You’re where you’re meant to be, I think maybe I need to go and find where I’m meant to be.”
Ed tore his gaze away from Stede to look back at Izzy, with a soft smile. He sighed. “I think that will be good for you. A break. You never did know how to switch off. I hope you find something new. Whatever or whoever you might be looking for.”
Silence hung in the air a moment, the realisation that everything was somehow entirely different between them but the security of knowing they would genuinely always be there for each other.
“Shame though,” Izzy said, a little wistfully.
“What is?”
“Think you and me might have had some really crazy sex.”
Ed laughed, a proper laugh that lit up his whole face as his shoulders shook with amusement. It made Izzy chuckle warmly too, his body tingling a little as the comfort and familiarity of the banter they once had so freely with each other came back to the surface.
He playfully swatted Izzy on the arm. “Yeah, well. Now we won’t ever be able to test that theory!”
Izzy chuckled. “Go on. Go get home to your man,” Izzy patted Ed’s arm just before he turned to walk back home.
“Take as much time as you need on your break Iz. But you know… keep in touch every so often alright? You’re still my friend. You always will be,” Ed said as he looked back one more time. “And thank you. For this tonight. I’m glad you told me. Have a lovely Christmas mate.”
Izzy nodded. “You too. Bye Ed.”
Ed followed Stede back inside their home. The street was quiet once again, just the soft brightness of Christmas lights twinkling in the dark evening.
“Alright. Enough. Enough now,” Izzy said out loud to himself.
It was almost a new year. Time for a new start for one Israel Robert Hands now.
He walked down the street, pulling his phone out of his pocket, his finger hovering over a contact. He’d done enough brave things today, what was one more?
He pressed the call.
“Well hello there Mr Hands,” Lucius practically purred down the phone. “What can I do for you?”
“Hey. Wanna meet me for a drink?”
“Absolutely. Text me where.”
Well… the boy had said to call if Izzy wanted to talk. And there had been … something there. Something hopeful. Something Izzy hadn’t attempted to chase in years.
Maybe it would come to nothing, maybe Izzy would at least make a new friend, maybe Izzy would realise that he’d never actually known what love was. Maybe he’d find out love actually is all around.
Maybe it was time to go and find out.