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"So...?" Kageyama is truly, truly, on the verge of death.
"So, yeah! That's so weird, isn't it? Because I can't even think of one person, let alone a girl, that would give Hinata-kun a love letter. Heck—if I had to name one person, it'd probably be a guy, considering Hinata-kun freezes at the sight of a girl!"
Taketsu Shun: the name of this guy from Class 3-4 that Kageyama has no recollection of ever willingly conversing with, besides that one time when he asked him for Yachi's phone number, but even then he was just kinda forced into that conversation. Kageyama's only spoken a maximum of twenty words to him before, and it's most likely staying that way if this guy doesn't shut his mouth anytime soon. And for the record, no, he does not think it's weird.
"Boyyyy, I wonder! Haha, if it really was a guy it'd probably be someone from the volleyball club. That's pretty much the only place where Hinata-kun spends most of his time in! Did one of his kouhai fall for his charm? Or are they also a third-year? Say, Kageyama, you're in the volleyball team, who do you think it is—"
Taketsu lowers his hand—the same hand that's holding that damn stupid love letter.
Well, shit.
"Hey… why exactly were you standing in front of Hinata's locker…?" see, it would've been at least nice if Taketsu were to say it calmly in a corridor full of classmates. But this is life. This is reality—and in reality, Kageyama hardly ever gets what he wants. Getting Oikawa to teach him how to do a set serve? Nope. Having enough money to choose between two drinks? Tough luck. Having a half-decent classmate mind their own business and not ruin your entire plan to indirectly confess to a shit-stain you've considered strangling at least a thousand times? Let's be realistic.
A finger is thrusted into his face. "KAGEYAMA, YOU GAVE HINATA-KUN A LOVE LETTER?!"
The speed it took for the students around them to burst into confused, shocked whispers and for Kageyama to burst into an alarming shade of red is worthy enough to set a new world record, because this... is just humiliating. Humiliating and ridiculous.
"Kageyama? To Hinata…? Hinata-senpai? The short one?" He hears someone whisper.
“Who?”
"Huuh, last time I checked they were going for each other's throats!"
"KAGEYAMA-KUN IS GAY???"
"I don't know why it’s so surprising. I mean, have you seen them together?" (Wow, okay.)
Kageyama shoves his entire hand into Taketsu's face. Respect-to-fellow-classmates be damned. This fellow classmate just ruined his entire high school life! "Can. You. Not."
He can feel Taketsu's breath when he exclaims against his palm, "Holy fucking shit!" and it's kind of disgusting so Kageyama pulls away. "Who would've guessed? Actually, I did— but, wowww. That's insane. I mean, is it really though? I guess it does make sense. You and Hinata-kun do have this weird tension going on that is definitelyyyyyyy nowhere near... uh... casual. And platonic." Taketsu coughs.
"Do you want to die."
Taketsu laughs and abruptly slaps Kageyama on the back. "What's the matter! This is great! To be honest, you're the last person I'd expect to make the first move. I always thought you were a wait-and-sit-back kinda guy. Or not make a move at all kinda guy. Aaaaah but I don't blame you though. Hinata-kun is a bit oblivious, even to his own feelings, yeah?"
Kageyama stills. "What do you mean—"
"Because he obviously likes you."
What.
The great wall of China just exploded. The Tokyo Skytree has collapsed. It has collapsed on top of Taketsu and gave him a grave concussion.
Is this guy even friends with Hinata?
Scowling, he shakes his head. "Can you just give the letter back—" Kageyama reaches for the letter but Taketsu is quick to avoid him. Okay, he is seriously about to lose it.
They go into a game of dodging and swiping and right now, Taketsu is in the lead and Kageyama thinks no one will ever feel this amount of shame in their life because he is quite literally a foot taller than this guy. "Give it here, that's mine—"
"It's not yours anymore! You gave it to Hinata-kun!"
"Yes, it's for Hinata—so why the hell do you have it in the first place?!"
"It's not my fault you didn't properly shut his locker after putting it in!"
"WHY WERE YOU EVEN SNOOPING THROUGH HIS LOCKER IN THE FIRST PLACE???" exasperated, Kageyama kicks Taketsu's ankles which causes the latter to trip and lose hold of the letter in his hands. Kageyama yanks it with his fingers—and for a split second, he’s way too proud of himself—that is until Taketsu retaliates by grabbing his wrists and knocking the letter off.
In... pure, dramatic slow motion, Kageyama watches the piece of paper fall gracefully onto the floor.
Right in front of Hinata.
Who he then watches pick it up.
And read it.
In real time.
Who then locks eyes with him.
The Tokyo Skytree collapses on Kageyama instead.
"Wowww, I can't believe it..."
Kageyama says nothing.
Hinata waves the letter—that damn letter—in a swaying motion, acting as if it isn't Kageyama's pure and raw emotions scribbled in messy, nervous handwriting.
This is it. This is where Kageyama kisses his volleyball career goodbye, because after the inevitable—the impending doom of rejection, Kageyama will drop out of Karasuno without a second thought and move to Italy and perhaps pick up a different sport with his already honed athletic skills. This way, when he and Hinata become pro athletes there will be zero chance of them crossing paths, as Hinata will make his name known in the world of volleyball and Kageyama will... pursue a career in something more niche. Like fencing perhaps—
"This is legit, right?"
Kageyama says nothing.
Hinata's face isn't unreadable, per say. More like... Kageyama can't differentiate the dumb look on his face from confusion or rejection. Is Hinata delaying his rejection because he's confused as to whether he should break the news gently or if he should just bluntly say it to his face? Or is the lack of response already the rejection itself?
"...I can't even think of one person who would ever give me a love letter!"
Funny, Taketsu said the exact same thing.
Wait, what?
"What... do you mean?"
Hinata turns to him and beams. "I've never gotten a love letter before! Kageyama, this is serious business!!! I wonder who this person is, if only they wrote their name... ah, wait a minute. Is this what they call a secret admirer—"
Kageyama tunes him out shortly after that, not because he doesn't appreciate the company of Hinata's frantic rambling, or that he's incapable of following along (he's gotten used to it, thank you very much).
No, it's because...
"I— they— they didn't... they didn't leave a name.” That’s right. Kageyama never explicitly confirmed his identity. But he assumed Hinata might've been able to figure it out based on the things he wrote in the letter… and also the fact he quite literally witnessed the letter fall from Kageyama's hands. Context clues, Hinata. Context clues. “So… you don't know who it is?"
Hinata shakes his head furiously.
Kageyama is almost thankful for Hinata’s obliviousness. Taketsu wasn't lying when he said Hinata is a bit dense.
Hinata sighs as his curls bounce along with the nodding of his head. "What's the point in that? Well, I guess this does make me more curious! I wonder..." He trails off.
Hinata is dense, sure. But that's only true if you ignore all the other parts about him.
People's first impression of Hinata is never the most flattering: excruciatingly energetic, shockingly short, and insanely impulsive. Though what most people don't see behind the thin, mesh layer of the net is the impressive yet chilling phenomenon that is Hinata's unwavering determination.
He's the personification of an uncontrollable force, a force driven by sheer ambition. A turbulence which never fails to tug at its surroundings and compile it into a compact cluster of motivation. A cluster of motivation that will inevitably collapse and ignite—bursting into formidable flames.
When Hinata is surging with determination—determination mixed with curiosity—a curiosity that's bound to get what it wants, it’s almost hard to look at him without squinting at the gleaming ray of passion that seems to naturally radiate off of him.
That is one of Hinata's strengths.
So as Hinata pinches his chin in the same manner Kageyama has seen him do in the middle of several games: contemplating, calculating...
… stringing the pieces together.
Kageyama more or less pales at the thought of being caught.
To be a coward, or to be a coward.
That is how Kageyama would sum up the entire interaction with Hinata.
Kageyama is not dumb. Academically wise, yes—but everything else he can get by. He's even spent enough time with his friends to grasp an understanding of social cues. Kageyama... he's more perceptive than people make him out to be. If this was way back in his first year, he'd never—in a million years—even think about seeing Hinata from a romantic point of view. Let alone even acknowledge the fluttery feeling in his chest, or the warm yet gnawing sensation that leaves him yearning for more.
Reciprocation: Kageyama feared it as much as he ached for it.
And even then, these feelings started to build up as he continued to grow as a person—as he continued to grow next to Hinata. For every brush of the fingertips, for every second spent lingering in the fervor presence of Hinata... he only fell deeper.
It was during their second year that he caved in.
He lets himself ogle Hinata during practice, admiring the toned physique that's the symbol of Hinata’s hard work without having to justify that he's just making sure his form is correct, or forcing himself to look away once he fantasises about craving for more, more, more.
He doesn't flinch at the comforting touches Hinata likes to initiate during breaks. A hand resting on his back, inching its way lower to find a place at the curve of his spine. Or the weight of Hinata’s head tucked into his own shoulder on the bus ride home after a tournament.
He let himself indulge.
And somewhere along the way, these unfamiliar feelings were unshackled and released.
He felt people's eyes on them, and he didn’t let himself waver. Because the moment Kageyama decided to cave in—the moment he decided to love, he treated it the same way as he treats volleyball: the same way he takes care of his nails and fingers, the same way he performs his routine thoroughly, every day, without fail…
He let himself love with his whole heart and soul, letting a whole year of repressed emotions break out of a dam and flood his senses until he was consumed by the overwhelming nature of love, until he faced the terrifying nature of love.
Kageyama knew that his feelings ran deeper than just a fleeting crush. That's exactly why when Hinata proposed the idea of moving to Brazil, Kageyama prepared himself for the worst.
The terrifying nature of love, that is, selfishness.
To love means to want the best for someone. Yet there was a period of time when Kageyama wanted Hinata to stay. Stay in Japan. Don't leave. Don't go anywhere.
Stay right where I can see you. That's when Kageyama realised that there's more to this. Love, ironically, is way too romanticised.
It strips you off of your inhibitions. It leaves you naked and bare, and underneath the thick walls Kageyama has fought to keep up, lies nothing but the true and unfiltered thoughts of Kageyama Tobio.
Love is inherent, and that's exactly why Kageyama, for the longest time, has feared it.
Because no matter what… no matter how much he’ll try to seem unaffected, Kageyama will have to face the crushing consequences that come with loving someone.
Kageyama is more perceptive than people make him out to be.
Hinata, in all ways, is unpredictable.
Whether it be on the court or during everyday life, he constantly leaves people hanging by the thread, making them wonder what his next move will be. Kageyama is of course aware of this spontaneity.
… that's exactly why when Hinata waits for him by the school gate every morning, when they race each other for the umpteenth time, when Hinata wordlessly passes a cold bottle of water to him after practice, when Hinata shyly brushes their knuckles together when standing too close during line-up, as they fall into the quiet, soothing routine of chasing, catching up, and competing against each other…
Kageyama can’t help but give in to the tantalising promise of something more.
Love is inescapable, so Kageyama lets himself love. He let himself seek for the emotional closeness that comes with a relationship, to blur the lines between platonic and an intangible force.
But he underestimated just how much rejection scares him.
Kageyama fled immediately right as the bell rang, so he hasn't seen Hinata since this morning. The last time he saw him he had a knowing look in his eyes. A slow glance at Kageyama, a silent recognition. And the intensity of it was suffocating as well as intoxicating, a gaze equivalent to spiking a ball thunderously. Kageyama forgot what it's like to be on the receiving end of Hinata’s immense strength. So he did what he could, run away. Let the spike that Kageyama had no luck blocking slam into the confinements of his heart.
… is Hinata going to confront him?
He doesn't want to know. He might throw up, actually.
The great thing about catching feelings for your best friend is that it's almost impossible to avoid them. How convenient, nice one, Tobio. So when Kageyama, for the first time since junior school, shows up to practice dreading it, it surprises him how much of a chokehold Hinata has him in.
He hears one of the first-years shout, “Kageyama-senpai!”, but they must've taken a closer look at Kageyama’s sour expression because he hears them mutter “nevermind…” before running off to Yamaguchi instead.
Wow, it really does surprise him just how much of a chokehold Hinata has him in.
“Looks like the king isn’t in a good mood today. What's new though.”
Kageyama reluctantly turns to glare at Tsukishima, the shit-face, and makes sure to deepen his scowl further. “You haven't called me that in ages, I guess I should've seen it coming.”
Tsukishima spins the ball in his hands before tossing it up in the air, a swish thump as he smacks it to the other end of the court. A perfect serve, Kageyama stops himself from rolling his eyes.
“Nice serve, Tsukki!” He hears Yamaguchi exclaim, and god, he really shouldn't have followed the noise because now it’s a bit harder to pretend that he didn't just make eye contact with Hinata who just happened to be standing right next to him.
He wants to avert his eyes. It's just… Hinata is infuriatingly captivating. It’s always been that way. The strongest decoy—a title that Hinata without a doubt lives up to. He draws you in until you're forced to be at contiguity with his radiance… and without any warning, you’ve fallen right into his trap. It’s worked plenty of times against numerous powerhouses like Aoba Johsai, Shiratorizawa, and Inarizaki. Kageyama, by all means, is no different. Anyone who has fallen victim to the indomitable grasp of Hinata Shoyo knows this far too well—
—that Hinata is magnetic.
It's unsettling: the realization that Hinata’s enticing nature has become so customary that his subconscious falls into the familiar rhythm of reaching out for him. He can't pull away. Especially if he was never that far to begin with.
“Kageyama, can you help Hinata bring out the nets? We need to set up another court.”
Seriously? The universe really does have it out for him today.
From the corner of his eye, he sees Tsukishima sprinting to get another ball. Everyone else is practicing their serve-receives (though Kageyama’s not sure why one of the second-years is laying face down on the floor). Yachi is talking to Takeda-sensei, and Coach Ukai is busy shouting at the second-year planted on the ground. Kageyama comes to the unfortunate conclusion that there is no way out of this.
“Uh— I’m busy.” Heck, he might as well try anyway.
“Kageyama.”
Kageyama treks towards his death, defeated.
The smell of rubber and dust. It’s usually not Kageyama’s go-to place for a burial site, but if he were to die anytime soon, he’d rather it happen now.
It just so happens that they needed extra equipment. And of course it just so happens that Hinata is vice-captain. So, of course, it just so happens that Yamaguchi chooses Kageyama to help the vice-captain carry out his responsibilities out of all people. And, ooof couuuurseeee, Kageyama is halfway through questioning why Yamaguchi couldn't have helped Hinata himself when the door to the gym closet shuts with a deafening bang and he watches dumbfoundedly as Hinata desperately shakes the doorknob.
Of course.
“Stop. You’re gonna break it. And we'll be locked in here for good.”
Hinata visibly bristles at the sound of Kageyama's voice—which is expected because they’ve been ignoring each other and collecting dust on their shoes in shrilling silence for five minutes straight. “R-right. Sorry.”
Sorry. Hinata is ultimately a nice person before he is a petty guy. Sorry for messing up that serve, sorry for spilling milk all over you, sorry for being unable to return your feelings because I don't feel the same—
“It’s… it’s fine. Don't worry about it.” Kageyama really ought to stop overthinking. Or think at all. Because the further he assesses the situation he’s in the more convoluted his thoughts get and the harder it is to keep up with them.
First of all, he's locked in a closet, a closet that’s been neglected for a concerning amount of time from what he can tell. Second of all, he’s locked in a closet with Hinata. Kageyama resists the urge to throttle the nearest person within his vicinity—which in this case… uhhhhhhh.
“Hey, Kageyama.”
You know what, maybe he will.
“If you got a love letter, what would you do?”
Badump. Badump but not a doki-doki badump. Badump, badump, badump that this is it. Hinata is going to confront him about the damn letter. His heart pounds against his chest, badump, and he wills to not let trepidation swallow him whole. Kageyama wrote that letter specifically to Hinata, he’s already ran the fourth rejection trial in his head. He knew what he was getting himself into.
He has seen Hinata cling onto Yamaguchi like a human-koala. He remembers Hinata nervously offering his juice box to a girl by the vending machine. Being exposed to Hinata’s presence means accepting the fact that Hinata is an overbearingly touchy person, he knows this. He knows that when Hinata leans against him that there isn't an ulterior motive. Yet Kageyama responds to the warmth with an impalpable affection that goes beyond any rationality. He knows it doesn't mean anything, but Kageyama lets himself believe that maybe it does.
He puts all his attention on a slightly deflated volleyball in the corner of the room. “I don’t know. What would you do? Or, I guess, what did you do…?”
A hum. “I was very flattered. I got really excited because I always imagined it to be something that only happens in movies… so when it actually happened to me, I didn't really process it at first. I felt more intrigued than I was flustered. I skimmed over the words without absorbing what any of it meant—I was just really mindblown that out of all people…” Hinata sits on the floor, knees hugged to his chest. “Someone chose me.”
Kageyama is speechless. “... I don't think it's that surprising.”
Hinata raises an eyebrow as he watches Kageyama mirror his position on the floor. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“You’re bright,” a pause. “You’re way too over the top and you talk way too loud.”
“Gee, thanks. Where is this going?”
“There's something about you. You have something… that just naturally attracts the people around you. I don't necessarily think it's that shocking that someone would like… you.” Wringing his hands, Kageyama looks at Hinata for the first time since they’ve been awkwardly shuffling past each other the minute they step foot in here.
Do you know that crows have keen eyesight? Under Hinata’s intense gaze, Kageyama is painfully aware that the blossoming emotions that threaten to sprout have already unraveled themselves for Hinata’s viewing pleasure. The implications of Kageyama’s words hang heavy in the air, seeping through the walls… the carpet floor… “A lot of people like you, more than you think.”
… they seep, then they bloom.
Hinata is unpredictable. On the court, you can't help but be cautious of him. An uncontrollable force that impetuously fights for its place in the sky, the sky being the domain where he dominates. When he flies, you’re launched into the horizon with him. But if you're not careful enough, Hinata is as powerful on solid ground.
“Kageyama, I like you.”
An uncontrollable force that only knows impetuosity.
The Tokyo Skytree collapses once again.
When people see Kageyama, they think: that guy’s a genius.
Being a genius is far from being perfect. Kageyama moves with an air of confidence that's long been ingrained into his system, a series of repetitive motions that he’s spent sharpening over the years. Volleyball comes naturally to Kageyama, and with that, it’s hard to adjust to everyone else when the urge to win intertwines with the desire to stay on the court, to keep chasing the firm press of the ball between his fingers—the satisfaction of playing and playing and playing. Kageyama strives to do just about anything to ensure that he remains on the field for as long as possible… Mixing that with the innate hunger to win, Kageyama explodes with a tunnel-vision to victory. And… that's when he usually starts to get presumptuous and demand for more.
People tend to be wary of him. Though let it be known that under the harsh criticism Kageyama often makes stems from the fact that he cares. He wants to win. What he realized too late however is that to be a genius means there's typically an invisible line drawn between him and his teammates—an unspoken boundary that's built from intimidation and envy. It’s hard to adjust—to fit in with people who have already deemed that you are beyond this world.
So for the longest time, Kageyama would watch the opposing team huddle up and connect their fists. He would stare as the captain chanted words of encouragement and, like fireworks, throw their hands in the air. It didn't matter if it was just empty words given for the sole purpose of lightening up the mood. It didn't make them stronger. But each time, the team would walk back to the court with a collective understanding—an established energy that flowed through each member—a synergy that confidently announced we’re a team.
Kageyama, for the longest time, wondered how they made it look so easy.
When people see Kageyama, they think: that guy’s scary when it comes to volleyball. At some point when he was at his lowest, Kageyama would look at himself and think: … What do I really want out of all this?
Ask Kageyama to recall one memory that has nothing to do with volleyball, and he’d have to cycle all the way back to when he was barely conscious—he might as well have been born with a ball in his hands. At first, he and his sister picked it up from his grandfather and played for fun, and soon that fun merged into passion. A passion that pushed Kageyama. It pushed him to chase after that excitement—a rush of intensity that filled him to the brim with euphoria.
Volleyball is all about connecting. Keep the ball in the air, pass it to the setter, and give way to the spiker. To be a setter means to confide in your teammates to hit your toss, and to spike means to trust the setter that the ball will come your way. It took Kageyama a while to recognize that one of the reasons why he loves volleyball is that… it connects him to the world.
Back in junior school, Kageyama snapped and surrounded himself with all these negative emotions—the king of the court, really, is just a seemingly cooler way of saying that Kageyama buried himself in isolation and abandoned all efforts to consolidate his social life.
But. Things are different now. He’s different now. Things… have been different for quite some time now. Ever since Hinata burst through the door on the first day of high school, the timer had already been set—counting down the seconds until Hinata pulled Kageyama out of his isolation, until he pulled him out of his abandonment…
“Kageyama, I like you.”
… until Hinata pulled on Kageyama's heart strings.
One of the reasons why Kageyama loves volleyball is that it led him to connect with his family, it led him to fight for his passion, and it led him here… in the sleepy town of Miyagi, tucked away from the clutches of the world, in a dirty dusty closet.
Someone even better will come and find you.
It led him to him.
Kageyama smiles. He had nothing to be afraid of in the first place.
“Idiot.”
“Uhhh… does anyone know where Hinata and Kageyama are?”
“Didn't you send them to get extra equipment?”
“It's been twenty minutes…”
Meanwhile, Taketsu scurries to put the closet key back to its original place.