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Suga grew up in a small town by the sea. So did Oikawa, but Oikawa had left to pursue a career in volleyball. He met Suga in Tokyo when they were both at the same university. He'd fallen asleep at one of the tables in the library while studying and woke up to a cup of coffee in front of his face and a kind smile from the young man sitting opposite him.
“You looked like you could use it,” Suga had said.
Oikawa stared at him for what was probably a whole minute.
Suga grinned. “People usually say thank you.”
“Th-thank you,” Oikawa said.
“You're welcome.” Just like that, he went back to his books.
Oikawa couldn't concentrate on studying. He went to his next practice in a daze.
Sugawara Koushi was the only person who had ever rendered him speechless. So he went back to the library at the same time the next day and asked for Suga's number.
*
Both Oikawa and Suga came from towns where the people were supersticious. “The gods are still listening,” Suga said to Oikawa one night while they were lying in bed.
Oikawa sat up and stared down at Suga. “What?”
Suga's expression was thoughtful. “That's what my parents used to say. And some other people in the town. If you pray, the gods are still listening. Don't make them obselete, because they're not.”
“What kind of gods?” Oikawa asked.
“All of them.” Suga frowned. “But I think they were mostly referring to the water. Lots of people own fishing businesses or boat companies, or transportation companies based on the water. I guess they want that extra bit of luck. Were you on the water a lot?”
“No,” Oikawa said, laughing. “I'll take my dry land.”
“What don't you like about the ocean?” Suga asked.
Oikawa shrugged. He thought about how one time he and Iwaizumi had walked to the shore for a nighttime swim in the summer. The water had looked black, like the deepest parts of space. A black hole that could destroy everything. Oikawa stared into the water and didn't see a thing, and he felt like if he jumped, he'd disappear.
Iwaizumi hadn't understood his fear. Oikawa could swim. Oikawa liked pools. But they didn't mess around in the ocean a lot, and Iwaizumi let the situation slide. They walked home completely dry.
Even during the day, Oikawa felt wary of the open sea.
“Do you ever wonder what's inside a black hole?” he asked Suga now.
“Nothing,” Suga said. “It all gets destroyed, right?”
“As far as we know. Some people think there's something on the other side. But either way, whatever goes in gets destroyed.” Oikawa sighed. “I feel that way about the ocean.”
“Hmm.” Suga bit his lip. “How do you feel about boats?”
“I hate them. They could sink.”
Suga looked disappointed. “Okay.”
“Why?” Oikawa asked.
“I want to show you something.”
It wasn't until the next morning that Oikawa relented, kissing Suga on the cheek as he made them both tea and wrapping his arms around Suga from behind. “For you, I'll go on a boat. What do you wanna show me?”
*
It was an island.
The boat was small.
“Kou-chan, please tell me that's not the boat,” Oikawa whined, “and please please tell me you're not driving it.”
“It's mine,” Suga said. He climbed in and stood by the wheel, clearly proud.
Oikawa stared at the boat. It was a tiny white thing, just a step up from a rowboat. There were benches on either side of the wheel and not a lot of space to move around. The motor rested on the back end of the boat, which tipped upward like it was just waiting to flip over.
The boat bobbed in the water and Suga grinned up at Oikawa. “Come on.” He moved closer and held out a hand.
Oikawa grabbed Suga's hand and held him in a death grip. He stumbled into the boat and sank onto one of the benches.
“Please don't go fast?” he asked.
“Of course not!” Suga said.
Suga's definition of not fast was Oikawa's definition of really fast. Ocean spray hit Oikawa in the face as they headed further out, the boat smashing through the waves. It would have been thrilling if it wasn't so terrifying.
Over the water and the engines, Suga spoke up. “Over there is home to one of the most visited shrines in Japan. Lots of people come here over the summer.”
Oikawa could barely see the island because of the salt water in his eyes.
“And over there,” Suga said a few minutes later, “is an island full of cats. We can visit if you like?”
“Is your island popular?” Oikawa shouted.
“No!” Suga shouted back. “That's what's so awesome about it!”
“I'm going to die,” Oikawa yelled. Suga didn't respond to that.
It seemed like they were heading too far out into the ocean, away from the relative safety of the bay. Oikawa wanted to jump overboard, swim back to land. But the boat began to slow down, the engine roar becoming more like a low purr, and a smaller island came into view.
The island was covered in tall green pine trees. The shore looked rocky, but Suga aimed for an area where the rocks gave way to a small sandy beach bordered by trees.
“Where are you gonnna dock?”
“We're not.” Suga sounded way too cheerful.
Oikawa gripped the bench hard and watched in horror as Suga literally ran the boat onto shore. He hopped onto the sand and held out his hand. Oikawa took it and got off the boat, his sneakers sinking into the wet sand.
“Ew.”
“Come on, Tooru,” Suga said. “This will be fun.” He tugged Oikawa towards the trees.
Oikawa had no choice but to stumble along beside Suga. The island seemed small from far away, but Suga led him to a point in the forest where it seemed like there were nothing but trees. He could no longer hear or see the ocean. He wanted to turn around, but Suga kept moving forward, holding tight to Oikawa's hand. Oikawa's legs started to burn. They didn't talk, and the island was silent save for their crunching footsteps and the sound of birds chirping.
Then the sound of waves came back, the trees thinned, and Oikawa could see the ocean again. The dirt turned to solid rock underneath his feet, and they broke through the trees and found themselves standing at the edge of a rocky outcropping.
Waves crashed into the cliff face below. Oikawa stared over the edge and felt dizzy. Wind whipped at his hair, bringing with it the hint of sea spray. He glanced over from the white capped waves beneath him to see Suga grinning at him, eyes bright and hair whipped by the wind.
“That's the open ocean out there,” he breathed. “Isn't it beautiful?”
Oikawa turned from Suga to stare at the horizon. No other islands blocked the view. From here on this cliff, Oikawa felt like he might fall into the water. If he did, he could disappear, be dragged by the current out to sea and possibly never see land again. Or he could get smashed against the rocks by the waves beating against the base of the cliff.
He shivered, even though the air was warm and sweat made his shirt stick to his skin. When he looked down, he couldn't see the bottom of the seafloor beneath the waves.
“It's something,” he murmured.
Suga nodded, and they started the walk back to the boat.
Once again they reached the midpoint of the island, where the trees blocked out the ocean and made it seem like they were in the middle of a vast forest. Suga stopped again, turned to Oikawa, and smiled. “Thanks for coming with me,” he said.
“Of course.” Oikawa gave him a smile.
“You're not comfortable here,” Suga said. “It's a bit rough, this place. But it's beautiful. Especially here. If the cliff is my favorite place, I think this would be yours. You can't see the ocean from here.”
That was true. Oikawa's racing heart had calmed. He felt like he was on a much bigger piece of land.
Suga closed the distance between them and enveloped Oikawa in a tight embrace. He tilted his head up and pressed his lips to Oikawa's, and Oikawa kissed back. They both tasted of salt water.
Oikawa could have stayed like that forever. He didn't want to go back on the boat. He didn't even want to go back to the mainland, where he had volleyball practice and school work waiting for him. He wanted to stay in Suga's arms, surrounded by trees, safe from the wind and the sea.
But Suga pulled away, apologetic. “We should get back before the tide changes. Otherwise it'll be harder to navigate.”
Oikawa nodded. Suga took his hand again, and they made their way to the boat.
*
Graduation was a time for celebration, but it also came with difficult decisions. Oikawa had been offered a spot on the national volleyball team. Suga, with his degree in psychology, wanted to spend some time in his home town gaining counselling experience.
“Live in Tokyo with me,” Oikawa insisted, burying his face into Suga's neck as they watched a kaiju movie that Oikawa had stolen off Iwaizumi. “You could go to grad school.”
“It wouldn't be for long,” Suga said. “I want the work experience. And I want to help the people there. At least for a little while, give them someone to talk to.”
“Don't they have someone?” Oikawa asked.
“I didn't,” Suga said.
Oikawa couldn't say much to that. He knew that Suga's parents were out of the picture. He knew that Suga's town was smaller than his own. Where Oikawa had gone to a good school and found his calling in volleyball, Suga had struggled to find what he was good at other than the vague talent of helping people and getting good grades across the board.
He hadn't really had a family, but Suga had found good friends in his community. He'd found a home there. Oikawa felt selfish asking Suga to stay. Especially when he knew that he wouldn't be home often during the season.
Suga pointed this out. “The season is coming up. I won't stay forever. Just for as long as your season lasts, and then I'll come back to Tokyo.”
“And move in with me?” Oikawa asked.
Suga nodded, a smile lighting up his features. “Yes. If you'll have me.”
“Silly Kou-chan,” Oikawa lightly kissed Suga's nose. “Of course I will!” He winked. “In more ways than one.”
*
The international volleyball season lasted several months and took Oikawa all over the world. He and Suga Skyped every day despite the time differences and constant schedule fluctuations. Suga was enjoying his time back in his home town, working under the town's only psychologist.
“I really feel like I'm getting to know people,” he said, “and I can see the effects we have on them. It's a good feeling.”
“Like getting several service aces in a row?” Oikawa asked.
Suga laughed. “Exactly.” His face fell. “But there are some people that I feel like I'm not helping. I don't want to worry about them. I shouldn't take my work home or anything like that, but I am worried. I wish we could do more, but...” He frowned.
“You're doing enough,” Oikawa reassured him. “You're doing everything you can do. And at least they have someone to talk to.”
“That's true,” Suga said. “It's better than nothing.”
Oikawa, being the romantic that he was, also decided to send postcards from each place because “there's just a special feeling to postcards that you don't get from Skype.”
The postcards from America were the ones Suga enjoyed the most, because they were so varied. “You'd never believe these all came from the same country!” He showed them off over Skype with a huge smile and glowing eyes.
South Korea, Canada, the UK, France, Germany, Argentina, Mexico, China. Oikawa felt like he was constantly on planes and trains. It was strange, seeing all these places for such short periods of time, only getting glimpses of what they were like and what kinds of people lived there. But on the court, everything was the same. He felt at home there. And even though it was his first year on the team, he was the starting setter. He was getting noticed. His country's team was getting noticed around the world.
Suga followed the games religiously, sometimes staying up at odd hours to watch the livestreams. He asked Oikawa about the details of each game, how he felt about the other teams. He drank up the details and Oikawa's happiness.
Oikawa noticed that Suga looked more tired each time they talked. He asked about Suga's job and Suga told him it was going well. “I can't really talk about it in detail because of confidentiality,” he said, almost like he was apologizing for it.
“What about your problem patients?” Oikawa asked.
Suga sighed and seemed to visibly deflate. “I honestly don't know.” He gave Oikawa a small smile. “But I'm sure it will be fine.”
Oikawa knew there was more behind it than that. He knew Suga's smiles and knew that smile wasn't genuine. But he left it alone, because he also knew that Suga probably couldn't tell him much.
“It's busy,” Suga said, as if realizing Oikawa knew there was more to it. “I'm always on call, and when I'm not in the office I'm still working on paperwork or studying new things. I think I just need some time to relax.”
“You should,” Oikawa said. “You should take a day to yourself, at least, and not think about work or anything like that. Go to the island so you won't get distracted by other things.”
“That would be nice,” Suga agreed. “Hopefully I get time soon.”
*
Oikawa's team ended up in the World Championship Finals.
“I took off work!” Suga told him, practically bouncing in his seat. “I'll be watching!”
“I'll Skype you after!” Oikawa felt like his entire body was vibrating, partially from excitement and partially from nerves.
“Celebrate with your team,” Suga said, laughing. “Don't worry, you can Skype me later!”
“I just,” Oikawa closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I just really want to win this, Kou-chan. It's my dream. I want this so much.”
“I know. I hope you do. I'll be there in spirit.”
Oikawa opened his eyes. Suga smiled back at him.
“I'll come back a winner for you, Koushi. I promise.”
*
In the team huddle before the match, Oikawa did something he hadn't done in years. He prayed.
“To any gods that are listening, I would give anything to win this match. So please let me have this. I've worked for years and this is my dream and it would mean the world to me to win. Thank you.”
He thought about Suga telling him that the gods were still listening, and although he'd brushed aside the sentiment at the time, now he hoped it was true.
The team cheered, and Oikawa ran out onto the court with the starting six. The first player to serve had the ball. The referee blew the whistle.
The game began.
*
[Kou-chan 10:10PM]
CONGRATULATIONS!!! I KNEW YOU'D BE ABLE TO DO IT! NOW GO CELEBRATE WITH THE TEAM, YOU ALL DESERVE IT SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU! YOU'RE SO AMAZING! TALK TO YOU LATER!!
Oikawa grinned like an idiot at the message and sent one back promising to call. He went out to dinner and drinks with the team and ended up back at the hotel room at an ungodly hour. He wanted to talk, but he was so tired that he only managed to send a quick message to Suga explaining that he was going to have to go to sleep after the excitement of the day.
When he woke up several hours later, there was no response.
That's when Oikawa started to worry.
*
Suga never picked up the phone. Suga never texted. Suga never signed back onto Skype. Suga didn't meet him at the airport.
Oikawa made the three hour journey north from Tokyo to find Suga, only to be met with a police officer. His heart rose into his throat and threatened to choke him.
“Sugawara-san has been reported missing,” the officer said.
Suddenly, being on the volleyball team that had won the World Championship didn't matter. Oikawa could hold onto that victory for a lifetime, and it still wouldn't help to bring Suga back.
*
The police investigation manged to piece together a timeline:
Shortly after Suga had texted Oikawa, he'd gone to the seaside and according to two witnesses, had gotten into his boat and headed out into the bay. The boat was still missing. The police had set up an operation to recover the boat, hoping to find Suga with it.
They thought they were going to find Suga dead. Oikawa knew that, even if they weren't saying it.
Suga had taken the day off from work, probably in part to watch the game. Oikawa had told Suga to take some time to himself. He knew what Suga had done. He'd gone to the island.
Oikawa felt like it was his fault, for telling him to take the time, for suggesting that he go to the island, for not being there more often, for not calling as soon as the game was over. For—
His entire body went cold as he remembered the prayer he'd offered up before the game. He'd give anything. He'd give anything to win. And the gods were still listening. He'd offered them anything. He'd offered them Suga.
He could hear Suga's voice in his head berating him for thinking that way. But he kept thinking it all the same.
The police investigation stretched on. Oikawa stayed in Suga's apartment. It smelled like spicey curry. It was comforting: Oikawa could fall asleep in Suga's blankets and feel like Suga was there. But each day the smells of the apartment and the blankets faded. Soon it would smell like nothing.
Oikawa was getting restless. It was the off season. He had nothing to do. Each day that passed was another day that the chances of finding Suga alive got smaller. (The chances were already non-existent. The police weren't saying, but Oikawa knew they were close to giving up and declaring it a cold case. A death without a body.)
He prayed. He'd give anything to have Suga back. This time nothing happened. This time, it seemed the gods weren't listening at all.
*
He was going to find Suga.
The cold had set in. The skies turned a steely grey and stayed that way for days at a time. The water turned a dark blue, impenetrable and choppy with white-capped waves. Oikawa made his way to the docks and managed to rent a small motor boat.
He turned off his phone. He knew Iwaizumi would try to text and then call, because he knew Oikawa had been worried. But he'd be back, and he'd bring Suga back with him. Nevermind that Oikawa didn't know the first thing about navigating a boat, or the geography of Miyagi's coast. The island was one of the furthest out. It was small, and it had no docks and there were trees along the beach on one side and a cliff on the other. He would find it.
He started the motor and set out. The water was colder than when Oikawa had gone with Suga. They'd only gone once, he realized, as the spray soaked into his hair and skin. The only protection he had was a thin raincoat and underneath, a long-sleeved shirt. He shivered as the waves grew, the boat rising and then smacking the water. Off to his left, the land became sporadic until it broke up into smaller islands.
Oikawa headed for the furthest one he could see. It was hard, keeping the boat straight and not being able to keep his eyes clear. The wind had picked up, and his skin felt numb. By the time he managed to drive the boat onto the shore, he felt frozen.
He jumped out and landed in ankle-deep water. The tide was higher this time. His shoes soaked through, ice cold, and he hurried onto dry land.
It was still windy.
The sky had gone a darker grey. He didn't know how long he'd been on the boat and he didn't turn on his phone to find out. He wrapped his arms around himself and walked further inland.
As he walked further, the forest grew quieter. He couldn't hear or feel the wind anymore, and there were no birds chirping. The hair on the back of his neck stood on end. He kept his eyes on the ground in front of him, searching for any sign of Suga. He didn't imagine Suga bringing a lot, if he'd come to this place to relax, to not have to think about anything like work or that everyone he knew was far away.
It almost surprised him when he broke through the trees and ended up on the cliff's edge.
The waves crashed into the base of the cliff hard enough to send spray up to Oikawa's eyeline. The water beyond appeared dark, almost black and impenetrable. The wind picked up again. Suga couldn't be here. He wanted to scream.
Instead, he turned around and started back.
The wind died down. Oikawa's feet felt like blocks of ice as he trudged forward. He noticed white flecks floating in his field of vision. It took him a moment to realize that it was snow. It had started snowing. The flakes stuck to the ground, to Oikawa's jacket, to his hair. He berated himself for coming out in such bad weather. He'd been sure that Suga was here and he felt stupid now. Of course Suga wasn't here.
As he walked, his surroundings grew darker. He wouldn't be able to navigate the boat if it was dark. By the time he reached the beach, night had almost fallen completely.
And the boat was gone.
Oikawa stared blankly at the beach in front of him. Waves lapped gently against the sand, and there was no boat. Just black beyond the water he could see. The snow fell harder.
“Tooru?”
Oikawa flinched and spun around at the soft voice.
At the edge of the trees, Suga stood. He had a small, fond smile on his face. Unlike Oikawa, he was dressed for the weather, wearing a thick waterproof coat. Always sensible.
“Koushi,” Oikawa breathed, rushing forward and throwing his arms around Suga. His skin felt cold. “Where were you?”
“I came here to relax,” Suga said. He buried his face in Oikawa's chest, a comfortable weight. “You're freezing, Tooru.”
“I know. It's cold. Can we leave?” Oikawa pulled away to get a better look at Suga's face. Suga looked tired.
“I lost my boat,” he said. “A storm's coming in and I overestimated how much time I had to spend here. So I called someone, but I think we'll have to wait until morning.”
“Oh.” Oikawa shivered. “But it's so cold. Aren't you cold?”
“Freezing. But we can huddle for warmth?” Suga nudged Oikawa's chest with his head, then took his hand. “Come on, I know where we'll be warmer.”
He led Oikawa back through the trees. Oikawa knew where they were going, the ground now familiar under his feet even in the dark. They stopped when they could no longer hear the ocean. The snow had covered the ground in a thin layer of white.
“It looks comfortable enough to be a bed,” Suga joked.
Oikawa laughed. “Only if you like waking up soaked.”
They worked together to clear a place for the both of them near the base of one of the trees, where the branches offered some protection from the snow. Suga lay down and gestured for Oikawa to lay next to him.
“This looks uncomfortable,” Oikawa pointed out.
“Use me as a pillow,” Suga said. “It's not so bad.”
Oikawa gingerly lowered himself to the ground and rested his head on Suga's chest. Suga wrapped his jacket around both of them. He was more comfortable than the ground. If Oikawa closed his eyes he could pretend they were in bed on a cold night.
“If you still want,” Suga murmured, “I'll move with you to Tokyo.”
“I've never wanted anything more in my life,” Oikawa breathed. “I almost lost you. I love you, Koushi. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
He heard Suga's breath hitch. “I do, too.”
“Good.” Oikawa smiled and closed his eyes. Even the snow falling onto his face didn't feel so bad when he was in Suga's arms. “We'll start planning. Tomorrow.”
“Tired?” Suga asked.
“Very.” Oikawa's breathing slowed and he felt heavy, like he was sinking into Suga's arms. He felt warm.
“Thank you,” Suga whispered, though it might not have been real. Maybe Oikawa was starting to dream. “Thank you for coming, Tooru.”
Oikawa wanted to respond, but he only managed a sigh. He was too tired.
He felt warm. He felt embraced. And then he felt nothing.