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Ilya slides up the bed, severely out of breath. Hollander had killed him, he didn’t think it was possible but he truly had. He flops down on his back and Hollander slides his arm around him. He looks up at him, with so much softness in his eyes. Ilya has to think of something else because he can’t do this.
He lets Hollander hold him, it seems like he needs it, maybe as much as Ilya seems to, even though he won’t ever admit it. They’re lying next to each other, with Hollander’s arm still stretched across his middle, both catching their breaths and trying to ignore the growing awkwardness in the air.
He turns his head to look into the other boy’s eyes and there is a slight smile on his face. A softness that Ilya doesn’t normally see, and definitely not directed towards him. He has to swallow the feelings he has away.
Hollander leans in for a kiss, it’s the softest kiss they’ve shared and then Hollander leans back and kisses Ilya softly on his forehead.
He freezes immediately and tries to act nonchalant because he doesn’t want Hollander to notice, he thinks he does a good job of it. Ilya needs to get out of this though, he can feel his heart beating more quickly and can feel his throat closing up.
He hears himself say, “I should go.” and turns away from Hollander. He sits on the edge of the bed, takes a few deep breaths and tries to stay calm. “Emotions make you weak,” his father has told him this over and over until it sort of became a mantra.
Ilya puts his clothes back on, all while feeling the gaze of Hollander on him but he’s too strung out to even make a witty remark. Hollander is putting his own clothes on and they both walk downstairs. Hollander sitting on the stairs waiting for him while he ties his shoes.
Ilya can hear him talking, something about the Olympics and he tries to listen but he's not able to focus, his brain can barely make out English. Hollander asks if his family is happy the Olympics are in Russia and his heart hurts, he just replies on auto-pilot, “Mhmm, yes.” Of course that’s not enough for Hollander and he keeps talking about his parents and will he ever stop talking.
He quickly mentions his father and his brother maybe coming, he just wants to get this over with. He doesn't want Hollander to know anything about his family. He needs to turn the conversation around. “Hey, uh, remember when I made you come hands-free?” and he sees a little annoyed smile on Hollander's face before he replies. “Go fuck yourself, Rozanov.” Back on equal footing, Ilya thinks. He moves towards Hollander wanting to kiss him but stops himself, hovering in front of him. He looks into Hollander’s brown eyes and sees the same hesitation written on Hollander’s face. Ilya doesn’t know who moves first but they kiss softly, another soft kiss. They have to stop doing that. He moves back and because he can’t help himself, pecks Hollander on the lips one last time.
Ilya mutters a soft “Bye.” and gets the hell out of there.
Once he’s back in his hotel room and he’s taken a shower, he needs one after their activities. He lays down on the bed. Ilya doesn’t turn on the tv, he just needs the room to be quiet. He stares up at the ceiling and tries not to think, he fails spectacularly.
Ilya should have known it would be impossible to not care for Hollander. There is something about him, has been since day 1 when Hollander first came up to him and introduced himself.
He breaths in slowly and he can feel all the emotions inside him threatening to come out and he doesn’t want that, can’t deal with that, not because of Shane fucking Hollander. He also knows it’s better to let it out now, when he’s alone and there is nobody to judge or perceive him.
Ilya can feel that his eyes start to water and before he actually starts to cry he wipes his eyes roughly, hearing the words of his father in his head. “Crying is for weak children and especially not for boys.”
He wishes he was still in bed with Hollander and isn’t that just the worst thought possible, Ilya isn’t supposed to want this, it’s just sex, mutual satisfaction with an extremely attractive man.
But he thinks back to the soft look on Hollander’s face and the kiss on his forehead and fuck. Before he knows it he’s crying, softly, because that’s what he always does when he allows himself to cry.
The fucking forehead kiss, he can’t remember anyone having been this soft with him since his mother. His mother who always kissed him on his forehead before tucking him into bed and wishing him a good night.
Ilya doesn’t know why Hollander did that, they’re not like that, he’s pretty sure Hollander dislikes him 90% of the time. Still he did something nobody else ever does with him. He was gentle, treated him like he mattered even if it was just for a quick second. Ilya tries to think back on their interactions and while Hollander’s words always pack a punch, something he likes a lot, there is something soft on Hollander’s face whenever he looks at Ilya.
He tries to shake the thoughts of Hollander. He has to stop thinking about him. His tears have stopped by now, he tries not to feel too bad about it.
He wishes his mother were here, he always wishes she was. She was his biggest supporter, the person who got him into hockey in the first place. Always so proud of him and always told him and showed him exactly how she felt. Ilya needs that now, and wants her to tell him what to do about Shane Hollander and all his confusing feelings. Needs her here to hold him like she used to and tell him everything is going to be okay. Give him forehead kisses and tell him good night so hopefully he has a solid night sleep again.
Ilya sighs deeply because it’s not happening, but some nights he dreams and she’s there and when he wakes up he feels better than he has in months. He hopes for such a night, he tucks himself in and clicks the lights off. He hopes to meet his mom in his dreams, that way tomorrow he will hopefully wake up a little lighter.