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“rover,” jinhsi nods in acknowledgement. “you’re leaving huanglong?”
rover nods, stepping forward to the railing and leaning her forearms on it. “jué didn’t really provide the answer i was looking for. i must head to black shores to find out more.”
“i wish you the best.”
rover turns to her, smiling softly. “as do i to you. you did well, jinhsi. it was really admirable how you were willing to exchange your life for jinzhou, and then you bested jué, your own sentinel, in a fight.”
suddenly, jinhsi feels an uncharacteristic shyness at the thought of being praised by her sentinel’s master, the lady arbiter. “i-it was nothing. merely my duty as jinzhou’s magistrate.”
the esteemed lady arbiter smiles, her eyes crinkling. “don’t sell yourself short. jué made a good choice choosing you. you’re an excellent magistrate, hsi. even more so considering your age.”
a warmth spreads throughout her chest. almost immediately after, jinhsi feels crystalline scales creep up her cheeks. rover sees them too. “jinhsi? you have scales on your-”
jinhsi brings up a hand to touch the scales, which are already retreating. she feels no pain, only that warm, tingling feeling. “i’m fine, but the scales…” jinhsi furrows her brows. “i’ll ask teacher about this.”
she has another thing to ask changli about, anyway.
rover shoots her a worried look, but nods. “changli probably knows best. take care of yourself, jinhsi.”
____________________
meetings with her mentor always make jinhsi nervous, for some reason. though she knows her teacher bears no bad intentions, under her knowing gaze, jinhsi always feels vulnerable. like changli knows everything she’s about to say, but waits just so she can hear jinhsi say it out loud.
as always, jinhsi and changli are sitting on opposite sides of a weiqi board, and changli is staring at jinhsi again. jinhsi is painfully aware that her teacher knows that she’s distracted. she tries to tame her thoughts, which works to some extent. thank the sentinel for the discipline instilled into her since she was a child.
“sanhua’s paying a visit to her temple today. her master informed me of a distant uncle that she might be related to. even then, it was hard to convince her to take a day off,” changli abruptly starts, sighing afterwards. “that child.”
jinhsi’s hand stills midway of placing a black piece down. “she didn’t mention the uncle part to me,” she murmurs.
tack. jinhsi takes a singular white piece off the board. she deposits it to a bowl off the side. briefly, she thinks of how the white resembles that of sanhua’s hair, and the snow that surrounds her.
white loong scales spike up her cheeks. jinhsi opens her mouth to speak—
tack. her mentor takes four black pieces off the board, letting them drop from the palm of her hand into another bowl. her eyes find jinhsi’s. “i think i have the answer to both your questions now.”
ah. her teacher’s favourite tactic — killing two birds with one stone.
unfortunately, jinhsi still doesn’t get it. changli, cryptic as ever, does not reveal a thing. but today, rather than looking at jinhsi like she expects her to work the answer out on her own, changli has a mirth in her eyes. it doesn’t help jinhsi’s predicament.
jinhsi eyes the board. she’s thinking of how to place her black pieces such that she gains an advantage over changli. her mentor once taught her that even a losing game could be salvaged.
despite her abilities, changli is years ahead of her, and—
sanhua is heavy on her mind. she’s reminded of the scales on her cheeks. the warm feeling from when she bid goodbye to rover is back, and it’s now accompanied by the rapid beating of her heart.
the scales spread to her neck. she thinks she knows why now. the small smile on changli’s face confirms it. jinhsi brings a black piece down onto the board, politely covering her mouth with her other hand as she coughs.
tack. tack. tack. they exchange a few more moves, before jinhsi catches a brief glint in changli’s eyes. she realises her mistake only now — or maybe jinhsi had never even considered that to be a winning move.
“i’m… conflicted. i want to let sanhua know of my feelings for her, but i don’t know what i would do if she looked at me differently after finding out,” jinhsi confesses, analysing the game she had just lost.
changli points at a misplaced piece sixty seven moves into the game. jinhsi’s eyes widen. “sometimes i wonder which of you is the blind one.”
“forgive me, teacher. it seems i have much—”
“that wasn’t what i meant,” changli interrupts, not unkindly. “sanhua holds you in the same regard. everyone but you can tell.”
jinhsi frowns. her mentor is often right, but it is she who had told her once that everyone is wrong sometimes. this, jinhsi thinks, is one of those times. “i don’t think—”
“just trust me on this one, hsi. it’s painfully obvious.”
jinhsi settles into deep thought.
the pieces are reset, and the teacher-student pair begin a game anew. much to changli’s exasperation, jinhsi finally comes around only at the end of their second game.
“if say, sanhua truly does reciprocate my feelings…” she starts. changli glares at her, deadpan. it reminds her of a time when she was younger — she had overworked herself to the brink of exhaustion, only stopping when she fainted. days after recovering and a lecture by changli, she requests to be discharged so that she can catch up on the work she missed. changli had given her the same look.
she hurriedly corrects herself, though it feels strange on her tongue. “when we con… firm our feelings with each other, what happens if i get distracted? my work…” she trails off.
changli chuckles. “knowing how disciplined the both of you are, and considering you already think about her all the time during your duties, it won’t be that big of an issue, my dear hsi.”
scales scatter across jinhsi’s skin again.
____________________
the moon hangs high in the sky tonight, unobstructed by the clouds. jinhsi breathes a sigh of relief. everyone can spend a good time moongazing this year.
it seems the clouds missing in the sky has made its way into jinhsi’s thoughts, however. her mind is not present when she greets the residents of jinzhou — none of them look like the woman she’s looking for.
“jinhsi!”
she turns, seeing rover and her echo companion, abby, walk over. she smiles genuinely, waving at the pair.
“sanhua isn’t with you?”
unfortunately. “no, but i’m looking for her,” she confesses.
rover and abby share a cryptic look. jinhsi’s gaze flicks from one to the other, confused yet curious.
“let’s look for her together,” rover says kindly, as she always is. jinhsi nods, grateful.
the trio walk (with the exception of one who floats) side by side, looking out for any glimpses of a white-haired woman.
“you look good today, jinhsi! not that you don’t on other days, but today you look special!” abby exclaims, and rover nods in agreement.
jinhsi’s eyes widen, the compliment unexpected. she had switched out her normal garments for a lotus-themed one, with traces of red here and there.
she wonders if sanhua would think the same.
“jinhsi? your scales… what did changli say about them?”
“huh? oh…” jinhsi touches her cheek gently, feeling the hard scales beneath her fingers. “it’s a little embarrassing to say…”
jinhsi glances hesitantly at rover, who returns an amused smile, one that shows she’s eager to know more.
“they can form when i’m… shy.”
rover’s mouth forms an ‘o’, and abby nods firmly. “that’s nothing to be embarrassed about! it’s a very unique trait.”
“thank you, abby,” jinhsi laughs lightly.
“oh, i think i see sanhua.”
jinhsi turns in the direction rover is pointing, embarrassingly fast. she clears her throat, trying to calm her rapid heart. “thank you for accompanying me, rover, and abby. i’ll be taking my leave first.”
the pair nod, and jinhsi sets off up a hill, where her white-haired bodyguard is at.
she calms her erratic heart before approaching sanhua with her usual composed demeanour.
“sanhua,” she greets, not to alert her, but as a habit. her sanhua doesn’t need any vocal signal to know of her presence.
her bodyguard bows in respect — a long ways off from the time she used to kneel at the sight of jinhsi. “lady changli stationed me here, for reasons she would not divulge. please accept my sincerest apologies for not being by your side tonight, my lady.”
jinhsi giggles softly, a sound rarely heard by anyone else except the woman before her. “it’s alright. you’re by my side now.”
“... that i am.”
jinhsi slides up to sanhua’s side, leaning on the railing and gazing up at the moonlit sky. sanhua follows her gaze, though she doesn’t linger on the moon — not that she can see it, anyway. her eyes are always searching, calculating, feeling — frequencies, and the emotions that come along with it. her hand, like always, rests on the scabbard of her sword, ever present at her hip.
“sanhua, there’s no need to be so alert. nothing will happen tonight,” jinhsi says gently, slowly prying sanhua’s hand off her sword.
“you never know, my lady,” sanhua replies, allowing her hand to be taken into jinhsi’s, albeit reluctantly.
jinhsi only chuckles, leaving sanhua slightly exasperated. why does her lady care so little about her own safety?
“you’re very pretty with this outfit, sanhua. the white suits you.”
her? pretty?
if sanhua is to be considered… “pretty”, in her magistrate’s eyes, then what is the madam herself? ethereal? divine? sanhua thinks of it to be quite fitting, considering her lady’s position as the sentinel’s resonator. other-worldly, and… out of reach.
“none can rival you, my lady. you are… beautiful, for lack of better word. even more so tonight.”
jinhsi blushes, a colour matching her dress, and the cherry blossom hair pins adorning her head. it’s the first time sanhua’s seen her lady dress up this way. she’s breathtaking, regardless.
it might have been the emotional whirlwind of nearly losing her light, or the muted atmosphere around them, sanhua doesn’t know. but tonight, she can’t stop the honest confessions that slip past her lips like water from melted ice.
“be it in my dreams, surrounded by snow, or here, now, under the glow of the moonlight, you will always be my brightest light, my lady,” sanhua admits.
it’s the way sanhua says stuff like that, words that knock the breath out of jinhsi and make her heart pound in her chest, so easily, like it came as naturally as taking a breath. it’s the way sanhua looks so softly at her, compared to the stone-cold look that’s usually present on her face. jinhsi just wants to kiss her silly. she wants to kiss those trembling lips into a smile, wants to kiss those eyes so they don’t hurt anymore.
she steps closer — sanhua’s hand is still in hers, and she grips it tighter subconsciously. sanhua doesn’t move. they’re less than a foot apart, now. all jinhsi has to do is lean in.
sanhua can’t tell what her magistrate is feeling, unlike others. she can’t see her lady’s frequencies, only her clearest form, as she is. she’s never really minded it — she shouldn’t pry into the madam’s inner thoughts, after all. but now, it’s making her nervous. what is her lady doing? she’s close. too close. sanhua feels her heart start to beat irregularly; she rapidly recites the heart sutra in an attempt to pacify it.
jinhsi can't do this — she never wavers in the face of challenges, but whenever it comes to sanhua, things always seem to be different. she can’t handle sanhua’s gaze on her.
she tugs down the mask sanhua has on her head, and plants a kiss on her mole, thankfully unobscured by the mask.
sanhua freezes. so does the temperature around her.
her entire body goes rigid, and jinhsi stills as well. she hesitantly takes a half step back, her fingers slipping from sanhua’s. she does not like doubting her mentor, but maybe this time, changli really is wrong. sanhua does not reciprocate her feelings.
the ghostly feeling of sanhua’s hand chasing her own after the loss of contact ignites hope in her heart again. (changli laughs in the distance.) jinhsi obliges, linking their fingers together again. she’s so cold, jinhsi notices. she’s worried.
jinhsi suppresses a shiver, not wanting to discourage sanhua in any way. she steps a half step forward again, determined. she still is uncertain about this — sanhua’s loss of control over her forte could mean one of two things: she’s in a fluster, or she’s nervous about rejecting jinhsi in a polite way.
but regardless of which one it actually is, jinhsi is sure of one thing: if someone ends up hurt by the end of this conversation, it will be jinhsi, and her alone. she doesn’t want to keep these feelings hidden anymore, but sanhua shouldn’t have to take responsibility for her decision.
if what sanhua needs is encouragement, jinhsi will provide her exactly that. if what she needs is space, jinhsi will back away without hesitation. “sanhua, what’s on your mind right now?” she asks, softly.
sanhua is silent. she remains so for a while.
her lady doesn’t press. she’s grateful for that, grateful for her. the thoughts in her mind are jumbled like the mess of frequencies she often sees, but she’s already used to those. she’s not used to this.
she manages to piece her thoughts into sentences. “i have never wanted to be anything but truthful with you, my lady… but i feel undeserving of letting this truth slip from the deepest shackles of my heart.”
jinhsi’s breath hitches. that means she likes her back. right? she just doesn’t want jinhsi to know about it.
she lifts sanhua’s mask, revealing the pained look in her eyes that jinhsi desperately wants to remedy. her hand lingers on the mask, now back on the side of sanhua’s head. she wants to cradle sanhua’s cheek. would sanhua let her?
her hand goes to the side of sanhua’s face, but she doesn’t make contact yet. sanhua’s eyes flicker to it, before glancing back at jinhsi with such longing eyes jinhsi almost melted on the spot. she obliges, pressing her palm into sanhua’s cheek.
“everyone deserves to be loved,” she starts vaguely. “you deserved to be loved. even if you think you don’t, i do. you wouldn’t… you wouldn’t go against your magistrate’s words, would you?”
sanhua stiffens. “no, my lady.”
jinhsi thinks she’s rather cute. even so, she doesn’t want sanhua to agree to this as an order. “i want to know… what you feel. will you tell me?”
sanhua’s eyes waver. jinhsi scans her face for discomfort, swiping her thumb across sanhua’s cheek soothingly. her heart melts at the way her bodyguard nuzzles into her hand, almost like a… cat.
jinhsi barely suppresses the amused laugh that threatens to bubble out. it simmers down to a smile.
“take your time, sanhua. please don’t feel obligated to do anything for me. especially when it comes to your own feelings.”
her bodyguard nods, her eyes never leaving jingsi’s.
slowly, sanhua’s free hand reaches up to casp over jinhsi’s own. her magistrate’s eyes are glossy, almost, anticipating what’s to come. sanhua tilts her head, pressing a kiss to the palm of her lady’s hand.
she asks, ever so politely, “is this okay?”
jinhsi nods eagerly, before she goes pink at how hasty the response was. “m-more than okay,” she whispers. “i… i like it. i like you, sanhua.”
then, sanhua sees it. the soft skin turning to hard scales. her eyes widen — her magistrate is injured.
“my lady? my lady, are you hurt? what’s going on- how-”
“sanhua- sanhua!”
only then does sanhua still in her panicked concern. jinhsi grabs sanhua’s wrist, placing it on her own cheek as she gently leans into it. “i’m not injured. i… recently found out that scales can grow on my skin for… other reasons.”
sanhua looks at her with wide, curious eyes. more scales form, from her shoulder to her neck.
“they form when i’m shy.”
she whispers, unable to look sanhua in the eye.
it’s new, to sanhua. the loong scales peppered across her cheeks feel cool to the touch — or maybe that’s just sanhua’s doing. they’re as smooth as jinhsi’s own skin. sanhua thinks that jinhsi looks pretty with them.
there’s a matching blush on sanhua’s own face.
she shakily exhales. she’s glad that her lady is fine. if something had happened to her right after the jué incident, sanhua doesn’t know how many times she would have to recite the heart sutra to deal with the blow.
of course, jinhsi notices. her face falls. “it was hard for you, wasn’t it, sanhua? i’m sorry i left you like that…”
“no!” sanhua interrupts, startling jinhsi a little. “i- no, you had matters to attend to. as your guard, and your secretary, i’m obliged to handle your work should you have more important things to tend to.”
a fond smile makes its way onto jinhsi’s face. she steps forward, fully closing the distance between them, her arms linked around sanhua’s shoulders. she squeezes, a sudden wave of emotion welling up her throat. “is this okay?” she asks, her voice wavering.
“y-yes, my lady,” sanhua whispers in reply.
jinhsi giggles, relieved. sanhua’s lips upturn into a rare smile, albeit a small one. her arms come up, hesitantly at first, lingering, but not touching.
“sanhua,” her lady whispers, a plea.
and she obliges. her arms circle around jinhsi’s waist, one hand splaying flat on her lady’s back.
“my heart is yours,” sanhua confesses.
jinhsi shivers. she pulls back from the crook of sanhua’s neck, captivated by those red orbs. to others, the colour of sanhua’s eyes only served to make her more intimidating. to jinhsi, this shade of red is so distinctly sanhua.
her eyes flicker downward, then back up. “can i?”
snowflakes appear in the air around them, going as fast as they came. despite sanhua’s anxiety, the air at this time of the year is warm.
sanhua nods weakly. jinhsi closes the distance between their lips.
sanhua does not close her eyes. she watches as her magistrate leans in, eyes shut, and leaves a chaste kiss on her lips. the light-headedness that consumes her rivals that of when she drinks a flower beverage.
she watches as jinhsi slowly leans back, her eyes fluttering open once more, the now-familiar scales scattering across her cheeks. her eyes are searching, rapidly flicking across sanhua’s face.
she watches as the loong scales, previously only on her lady’s face, spread downwards onto her neck, as sanhua leans in. this time, sanhua closes her eyes, just as couples do when she used to watch them on the streets. back when her feelings had not fully been encompassed by ice yet, when she still entertained the idea of possibly being seen that way by her lady magistrate. if it has even the smallest of possibilities to be of aid to my lady, i will learn it, she had told herself.
her mind is fogged when she pushes past a short peck on the lips — their lips are interlocked, and sanhua is going purely on instinct now. she does not care about the possibility of any prying eyes, and the rumours that might follow after — she hasn’t seen a single soul up this hill the entire night, anyway. she doesn’t care that her lady might pick up on her inexperience. inexperienced as she is, she will try her best for jinhsi, regardless.
the only thing she cares about is that her lady is enjoying it, if the little sounds she makes is anything to go by. or the way she pulls sanhua in closer by her neck, like she can’t get enough of her.
she does not bother reciting the heart sutra to clear her head, nor does she plague herself with the fear that this could ruin their relationship overnight. the fear that she shouldn’t be indulging, that her lady is mistaken, or that this is just another dream.
when she pulls away for air, jinhsi’s cheeks are fully covered with scales. they span across her neck, her ears, and when sanhua looks upwards — she spots two unfamiliar antlers. they’re already fading when sanhua notices them, but they were there, proof of jinhsi’s rapidly beating heart.
jinhsi buries her face in sanhua’s shoulder. where did she learn to do that???
her heart is pounding so hard she feels like she’s overclocking again. the antlers are new, even to her — she never expected sanhua to be able to make her so flustered; the tables had turned on her quickly.
not that she minds. she really, really, doesn’t mind. at all. she finds it really attractive, actually. she didn’t know sanhua could get more—
“my lady? did i… did i overstep?”
never. she shakes her head firmly. “i- i just need some time,” she says meekly. “you’re, uhm, really pretty, sanhua.”
sanhua turns pink.
they stand like that, in each other’s arms, as the first firework lights up the sky. the explosion startles jinhsi, as she withdraws from sanhua’s embrace to glance toward the sky.
“they’re right on time,” sanhua observes.
jinhsi links their hands together once more. “i wish you could see it,” she whispers.
“i can see you,” comes the simple reply.
a second set of fireworks erupt, this time in the jinzhou magistrate’s chest.