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Published:
2025-12-10
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1,305
Chapters:
1/1
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Much Ado About Staff

Summary:

One day, Lucifer breaks Alastor's staff.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

"Since you’re still dropping in on me unannounced, I take it we’re still friends?"

 

"We were never friends."

 

“Sure, sure, just keep on reminding me that I was too generous and lenient with you, why don’t ya."

 

"You tricked me into an open-ended deal and being the most powerful sinner in hell isn't worth a hill of beans.  I told you that I wanted to be amongst the highest demons."

 

"Alright, Alastor, let’s tackle this again, one at the time.  If you recall, you were the one who jumped the gun.  What did ya expect me to do?  Lecture you on waiting for the task to be specified before closing deals?”

 

“You said I just had to do something for you.”

 

“Something does not mean one thing.”

 

“I worked for you for decades!”

 

“And for those decades, you got to be the most powerful sinner in hell with oodles of free time.  Let me finish, my deer.  Coming into my house means you will follow my rules, including ya shut your trap when I’m talkin’ to you.

 

“I granted you, a newcomer sinner, power to take down overlords who have been running amuck on the Pride Ring for ages.  And, you still have that power.  I kept not just my end of our deal but adhered to the spirit of it.  While you tried to weasel your way out of it.  Had your little ploy not - ah, no - scratch that last part.  I did promise to myself to let that go, and it would be remiss of me to not properly acknowledge and praise your efforts.  Alright, then.  Here we go.  You did good, Alastor.  That was well played.  Excellent work.  Good job.  Truly outstanding!”

 

After the litany of slightly grudging mostly honest praise, Rosie took a slow careful sip from her teacup.  Both to settle herself and to wait for Alastor to realize that he had been holding still, with bated breath and widened eyes.  Just like a deer caught in the headlights.  This reaction was partly why she preferred to playfully sing her admonishments to this particular ex-subordinate of hers.  Stroking his annoyance helped to keep the paralyzing fear away.

 

Rosie would dearly miss him being her pet, but it was for the best.  As the saying went - if you truly love someone, let them go.

 

While he resisted the urge to rub at his forehead as was his habit after particularly tense moments between them, Rosie got up and went to a shelf stacked with alcohol.  She got a bottle of his favorite, conjured a glass and handed both to him.  Only after he’d downed a shot did their conversation continue.

 

“I think we’ve spent too much time in the past as it is.  So how about we just get straight to the point of this visit, hmm?  Why are you here, dearie?”

 

With a somewhat mollified but still rather mutinous look on his face, Alastor conjured up his staff, broken yet again.  After a pregnant pause, Rosie collapsed into her chair, laughing.

 

Alastor was caught between anger, embarrassment and relief that Rosie was laughing at his complete expense,  "Sh- ah, fuck it.  What do I have to do to get you to fix my staff again?"

 

"How the stars did your staff get broken again?  Did you challenge that seraphim who I hear has been visiting Charlie's hotel regularly?  In case you don't know, Alastor, seraphims are tougher than archangels.”

 

"Not her."

 

"Abel, then?"  At his blank look, she added, “Adam’s second boy.”

 

"No."

 

"My dear still too cute and so SO stubborn former pet of mine whom I can no longer smoosh for reasons, if you want me to even consider fixing your staff again, you should at least tell me who broke it this time around."

 

"Is that your fee for repairing for my staff then?"

 

"No, it's my fee for considering to repair your staff again."

 

"Fine!  The mother-ducking king broke it."

 

Rosie was caught between wishing to admonish Alastor for his language and laughter.  Laughter won.

 

"Stop laughing!"

 

"The Morningstar broke your staff!" Rosie managed to say amidst peals of laughter.  Alastor was so incensed that he set her tea set on fire.  Rosie got rid of the green-black flames with a flick of her hand.

 

"Adorable as it is, failing to destroy my belongings isn't going to do you any favors, sweetie.  Give me a serious offer for my services."

 

Alastor growled, "If you fix my staff, I'll continue to assist you with whatever it is you plan to do with the princess."

 

Rosie was unimpressed.  "Really, is that all you can offer?  You know, Alastor, I do not actually require  your help to get close to Charlie."

 

Alastor's eyes narrowed at her.  "If you don't fix my staff, I'll tell her that you're not just an overlord."

 

Rosie’s eyes narrowed back, this time gauging her former underling with atmost care.  With a poof, scrolls of parchment and two fountain pens appeared on the table between them.

 

The two overlords burned the midnight oil and a bunch of candles on both ends hashing out the minutiae of this new deal, only finally agreeing with the inclusion of an amendment clause designed to prevent the contract from significantly favoring one party over the other.

 

Afternoon, the next day.

 

"I want to change the terms of the deal.  I will only repair once per-"

 

"No, repairing my staff doesn’t  take you any time, so repairing my staff even several times a day won’t make this deal unfavorable to you."

 

“Don’t think I missed that ‘several times’ there, pumpkin.  So, you’re going to double-down on this courtship of yours?”

 

"... What court-  I am NOT courting you!"

 

"I meant this thing you have with his majesty.”

 

"I’m not courting him!"

 

“His door has a "No Alastors Allowed" sign beside it."

 

“How do you know that?”

 

"You weren't the only pet in my zoo.  Oh, for the love of -"  Rosie fixed the thrice broken staff in a jiffy and shooed Alastor to the door.  "Git out of here, so I can get back to work.  Not everyone can just spend all their time hot on the heels of the king."

“I am not-”  She shut the door in his face.

 

The next day.

 

"Whispers abound about how desperate the Radio Demon is for my time and affections."

 

"The faster you fix my staff, the sooner I'm out of your hair."

 

"And some are saying that I'm giving you quickies."

 

"What is a quickies?"

 

"Sit down, Mister.  We are going to pretend to have a long stimulating conversation over this pot of tea before I fix your staff yet again."

 

"Fine, whatever.  You can start with explaining what a 'quickies' is."

 

One hour later, Alastor storms out of Rosie's Emporium.

 

The next day, at the hotel.

 

"Alastor, I talked with dad, and he said he'll stop breaking your staff if you stop going into his room."

 

"I have not visited his room since he broke my staff the first time!"

 

"...  Oh, so that's what dad was tallying - sorry, Alastor - I think dad plans to break your staff the same number of times you went into his room without permission.  Just how many times did you - anyway, you really should learn to knock first-"

 

"Char-char, good morning!"

 

"Oh, hey dad.  Good you're here.  I was just telling Alastor- and he's gone."

 

At Rosie's.

 

"Alastor, no, I cannot make your staff invulnerable to all angelic attacks.  Do ya even have a clue of how much angelic power the Morningstar has?  Count your blessings that he hasn't completely des-  No, scratch that.  Forget I said anything.

 

A week later, after reluctantly-hurriedly settling her affairs in Cannibal Town, Rosie checked into the Hazbin Hotel to make sure that Alastor's precious staff doesn't get destroyed by Lucifer.

Notes:

Inspired by S2, wherein half the plot happened because of staff. Alastor/Rosie, because the show made me want to ship them.