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*
It had been a good day.
It started out with the English test that Liam had been dreading all week, and he walked out of class feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
Zayn had promised to help him study for it, and miraculously found the time to work with Liam the last three nights in a row, even though he’d been home sick and had to do most of it over the phone.
It must’ve paid off, because there had only been two questions Liam needed to guess the answers to, and one of them was a bonus.
A scruffy socks ‘n’ sandals enthusiast, Aaron, finishes around the same time as Liam and they exit the class together.
“Dude, that was brutal,” Aaron says, giving Liam a friendly slap on the back.
Liam winces, but it isn’t from the slap. A nervous, queasy feeling starts bubbling up in the bottom of his gut.
After English is Science, and Liam sits next to Louis, who whines, complaining that he hasn’t seen Liam in ages and misses him terribly. Liam snorts and ruffles his hair.
He’d seen Louis in the hallway, right before he headed into English, so he didn’t have time to stop and say hello properly.
“Well, how was the test, then?” Louis asks, when he’s given up trying to pout about being ignored.
“I think I did pretty well,” Liam says tentatively, unwilling to jinx it. “The studying really helped.”
He decides to make cookies for Zayn as a thank you gift.
They pair up for chemistry experiments, and Louis is surprisingly well behaved. Liam only has to worry about him setting his hair on fire twice.
For lunch, Liam has his favourite sandwich, pastrami on rye, with a carton of orange juice.
It tasted the same as it always did, and Liam felt fine afterwards.
Harry shared some carrot sticks with Liam on the way back to class. They’re from Harry’s own garden, which Liam could tell even if Harry hadn’t pointed it out, because they tasted so wonderfully sweet and crisp.
Liam has a football match after school, and his team wins 3-2, with Liam scoring the tiebreaking goal.
“Man, I can’t believe that score,” Someone says. “Talk about cutting it close.”
“Three cheers for our boy, Liam!” Another person hollers, and the whole team hollers back.
Liam should’ve felt on top of the world at that moment, but all he feels is sick to his stomach.
It had been a good day, Liam thought to himself on the bus ride home. It didn’t make sense that he’d feel so queasy by the end of it.
Except, perhaps it did, because Liam finds himself wishing that it was possible for people to compliment him without so much emphasis on masculinity. Somehow, it makes it feel like not a compliment. From there, he starts wishing people would stop mentioning masculinity as something related to him entirely.
He lays awake that night thinking about it, and he realizes it’s actually something that’s been bothering him for ages.
He can remember throwing a tantrum when he unwrapped a suit for his fifth birthday, instead of the matching dresses his sisters got. Remembers coming home to his parents painting his room blue when he was ten, even though his favourite colour was always purple.
Little things like that keep cropping up in his memories. Connected together, they become quite a big thing, but Liam’s never really sat himself down for a good heart-to-head think about all of it before.
Liam supposes that’s because it made it easier to pretend none of it bothered him, if he acted like he didn’t care.
He does care, though. And he shouldn’t have to continue putting up with feeling uncomfortable, with people saying and doing things he wishes they wouldn’t. It makes him feel like they’re talking to someone else, like they aren’t actually seeing Liam, not for who he really is.
Liam wraps his arms around himself and a tear rolls down one cheek. “I see you,” Liam whispers to himself in the dark. “I see you,” he whispers again, until he falls asleep.
*
Liam hasn’t been sleeping all that well lately, and it’s starting to affect his schoolwork, which he already tries so hard with.
He knows he’s got to tell someone, and that someone turns out to be Niall.
Niall’s the only person among Liam’s close friends who’s ever come out to him. He’d just casually slipped in a comment about being pansexual after a game of frisbee in the park, in the same tone of voice you’d remark about the weather.
Liam had never heard of pansexuality before. Zayn said it meant you liked pretty much everybody, but Liam figured there’s a little bit more to it than that.
He read about it online when he got home. He felt it was just a small thing he could do for Niall, who probably had to explain his orientation to everyone he came across. The least Liam could do was not be the sort to demand a detailed explanation from him.
That certainly isn’t the only reason Liam decides to tell Niall, but it does help, knowing Niall might understand because of it, even just a little.
But mainly, it’s because Liam’s known Niall longer than anybody else outside his own family.
They grew up together, met for the first time when their mothers enrolled them in the same preschool program. Niall’s family was new to town, had moved all the way from Ireland and into the house across the street.
They’ve been like peas in a pod ever since, best friends before Liam even knew what that meant.
Their close friend group has expanded since then, to include Louis and Zayn in Grade 2, and then Harry, who skipped a year, in Grade 5. They’re a strange and delightful bunch, and Liam couldn’t picture a life without any of them now.
But Niall, Niall’s always been a constant, like a heartbeat.
If Liam could think of one person, out of everybody in the whole world, who won’t love Liam any less for his thoughts, for who he is, it has to be Niall.
“Liam!” His mother calls from the bottom of the staircase. “Niall’s here for you.”
“Thanks! Could you send him up?” Liam stands up and runs his hands through his hair. He can’t tell if his palms are actually sweating or not, but he wipes them on his jeans, just in case.
He’s never felt nervous about seeing Niall before. Niall tends to be easier to hang around with than dogs, and Liam loves dogs.
Liam hears Niall’s footsteps coming up the stairs. He rests a hand on his desk at the last minute, hoping it looks casual.
Niall pokes his head through the door and smiles. “Hey Li, what’s up?”
“Oh, just things, you know. Um.” Liam stops himself before he veers too far off track, like one of Harry’s stories. “I wanted to talk about something, if that’s alright?”
“Yeah, for sure.” Niall flops down on the bed and crosses his legs.
“Well, I just.” Liam takes a seat at the foot of the bed, and begins to twist his hands together. “I haven’t been feeling so good lately, for awhile, actually, and I recently figured out why that might be, and-”
Niall’s in his space suddenly, brushing Liam’s hair back from his forehead, eyes narrowed in concern inches away from Liam’s own as he checks his temperature.
“What’s the matter? Are you sick?”
“No, I’m. I’m not sick, no.” Liam gently pulls Niall’s hand away from his face. He takes a deep breath and can feel the words spilling out just before they do. “The thing is, I’m not a boy.”
“Oh?” Niall doesn’t move and after a few seconds, Liam is the one who lets go of his wrist. “Alright, then,” Niall says, dropping back onto his heels. “Do you, are you a girl?”
Liam shakes his head. “No, I don’t think so.” Liam’s considered that for a while, imagined how it would feel. It felt a little bit better than now, but it didn’t feel perfect, didn’t feel like it fit Liam completely. Eventually, he decided that if he was a girl, he’d feel a lot more certainty about it.
“I’m not sure exactly, just that I’m not really a boy, and I’m not really a girl.” Liam pulls his legs up against his chest. “Maybe I’m somewhere in between? I don’t know the words to explain it exactly, but I know what I’m feeling and I’m not-” He swallows and manages to look at Niall again, over the top of his knees. “I know I’m not wrong.”
Niall looks at him thoughtfully for a few moments, then he smiles gently, and Liam knows right then and there that everything’s going to be alright.
“C’mere.” Niall spreads out his arms for a hug and Liam uncurls, crawls across the bed so quickly he almost knocks Niall off the side of it when he reaches him.
Niall wraps his arms around him, and it feels as though he’s cocooning Liam from everything in the world that’s been upsetting him. Niall rubs his back and tells Liam he loves him, and he’s glad he told him, and it’s okay to not know exactly who you are. Liam can feel his eyes welling up with tears, but he knows Niall won’t mind. No matter how many shirt sleeves they soak, he’s always up for a good cry.
“I think it’s hard to find a perfect answer for everything right away,” Niall says, threading his fingers through the hair at the back of Liam’s neck. “But it’s awesome that you want to figure out more about yourself. If you want, I can help read up on this stuff with you. Would that be good?”
“Please, that’d be great.” Liam started to research on his own, a little bit, but he felt so overwhelmed by all the information he wasn’t sure where to start.
“Alright. So, is there anything you want me to change about like, my behaviour with you or anything?”
Liam starts shaking his head, because he loves Niall and he doesn’t want anything to change between them. But no, there is one thing.
“Oh, um. Yes, actually. Everyone does it, but I don’t like it when people call me stuff like ‘man’ or ‘bro’ or ‘dude’. It makes me feel… I dunno, wrong.”
Niall nods. “Okay, I’ll keep that in mind. Do you think you’d prefer more feminine words?”
“Yeah, maybe? Sorry, I’m not sure exactly. I think also like, words that don’t mean either?”
“Gender neutral, like?”
“Yes.” Liam nods, remembers reading that word before. “Honestly, anything but man is good.”
“Alright. Did you want to talk about anything else? I know I’m not the most knowledgeable person about all this, but I can sit here and listen, if you have more thoughts.”
“Thank you, I would, but maybe later?” Liam sits back up. He does have more to think about, but he’d rather get his thoughts in order some more before he tries to talk about them with someone else. “I kinda wanna play video games right now.”
Niall hops off the bed and holds an arm out for Liam. “I’m down.”
*
They get through seven rounds of Mario Kart, Liam in the lead 4-3, when he mentions wanting to make cookies for Zayn.
Niall’s Princess Peach avatar runs off the road and explodes. Niall tosses down the controller. “How about now?”
“Yeah, alright.”
In the kitchen, Liam reaches into the cupboard above the stove and pulls out his Mum’s recipe box.
“What type of cookies should I do, for Zayn? I’m not sure what his favourite is.”
Niall steeples his fingers under his chin and hums, as if he were meditating. “Peanut butter chocolate chip, I reckon,” he decides after a few moments.
Liam starts flipping through the recipe box, when a thought strikes him and he turns back to look at Niall. “Hang on a minute. Isn’t that your favourite?”
Niall appears to be examining a crack on the ceiling with great interest all of a sudden. “I have no idea what you’re talking about Liam. I love all cookies equally.”
“Niall.”
“Alright, fine! But I know for a fact that Zayn likes them too.”
They end up making a double batch together, with their usual banter back and forth. Liam finds himself smiling so much he can barely see through his eye crinkles.
He was quite confident that his confession wouldn’t change anything between them, but it’s still a relief to see it.
*
They start hanging out even more than usual after that.
Niall is true to his word about researching, and shows Liam the best links out of what he finds.
It’s so easy with Niall, he’s so chill about everything, but even more than that, he’s incredibly supportive and makes Liam feel so much more confident about exploring different aspects of himself.
There’s one link in particular that Liam bookmarks so he can reread every night. It’s a list of trans affirmations someone wrote, and Liam started crying the first time Niall showed it to him.
Liam never thought he’d feel so happy with tears running down his face.
Niall takes his hand when he finishes reading and leans into his side. Liam can feel wetness against his own shoulder, but Niall just sniffles quietly once or twice, and that’s about it.
They talk about pronouns, and spend a whole afternoon trying different ones out.
“It feels a bit overwhelming, I think, changing pronouns.” They’re sharing a beanbag in Niall’s basement, with Niall’s laptop propped up on their laps between them. “I do think it is something I’ll want to look at later, but it just, it feels too big right now.” Liam sighs and rubs the back of his neck. “Bit more outside my comfort zone than I think I’d rather go, at the mo’.”
“Y’know,” Niall passes Liam a bag of Maltesers. “You don’t have to change anything about yourself if you don’t want to, Li. Not your name, your clothes, your body, anything. You don’t have to change yourself to like, validate your gender or anything. But if you do want to, with anything, I’m here for you.”
Liam offers out his hand for a fist bump, but Niall wraps his fingers around his hand and squeezes it.
“Whatever you need,” Niall promises, “I got your back, babe.”
*
Eventually, not knowing becomes a little less scary and more exciting.
Liam starts to think of it as a day-by-day adventure, a treasure hunt of discovering new things that make up who Liam is.
He’s been experimenting with femininity more and more. It feels better every time, like breaking in a new pair of shoes until they become your favourite footwear.
They make a trip to the shops one day and peruse the makeup section. Liam’s decided he wants to purchase his own lipstick, doesn’t want to borrow it from his sisters or his mum anymore.
He wants something that didn’t belong to anyone else first. Wants something that’s just his own. He eventually decides on a shade that’s a blend somewhere on the pinker side of pink and purple. It’s a bright, fun colour, but there’s also a softness to it. Something warm and comforting, somehow.
He asks Niall to put it on for him as soon as they leave the store.
“I’d be honoured,” Niall says, flashing Liam a wide grin. He holds his tongue out of the side of his mouth as he applies it, so Liam knows he’s concentrating especially hard.
Liam smacks his lips when he’s finished and squints at his reflection through Niall’s mirrored aviators. There’s just a small dab of it outside the line of his bottom lip, but Liam likes it. Feels like it means something.
“Hey Liam, Niall! Wait up!”
They turn around to see Louis and Zayn riding towards them on a bike, with Harry jogging along behind them.
Harry is the bike’s true owner, but they’ve been taking turns sharing it. They always ride in twos even though it’s only made for one person. That’s how they are with most things; taking something small and finding a way to make it fit with them all.
Louis almost always ends up on the handlebars, somehow. It’s amusing watching him try to justify it without actually saying that it makes the most sense because he’s the smallest.
The bike slows down to a stop next to them, and Harry clutches his knees, panting.
“We were just headed to the park,” Louis announces, hopping off the bike with his typical dramatic flair. “Did you want to come?”
Niall shares a look with Liam and he nods. “Yeah, that sounds cool.”
Liam can pinpoint the exact second Louis notices the lipstick. He doesn’t say anything at first, but Liam braces himself because Louis always has something to say.
“Any special occasion you’re all dressed up for?”
Liam shrugs, feigning nonchalance. “Not really.” He meets Louis’ sharp, inquisitive gaze head-on, and doesn’t feel like shrinking away, not even a bit. “Just felt like it.”
Louis nods, apparently satisfied by Liam’s answer. “That’s really all you need, innit?”
“Very true.” Harry hefts himself up over Zayn’s back, wrapping his arms around his neck and clinging like a baby sloth. “A lovely shade of magenta, that is.”
“I dunno,” Zayn says, reaching up to grab Harry’s hands so he doesn’t slip and choke him. “I’d say it’s more of a fuchsia, really.”
Niall rolls his eyes and tugs at Liam’s sleeve. “C’mon, let’s go.”
They bicker about it the whole way to the park.
Harry inevitably brings up blood orange, but Zayn and Louis immediately and simultaneously shut him down with, “It’s red.”
Harry pouts and Zayn threatens to drop him.
Liam nudges Niall. “Do you still have the case with you? Maybe it’ll have a name on the bottom.”
“Oh yeah, good thinking Liam.”
Louis makes a drumroll on his belly as Niall pulls it out of his pocket and squints to read the label.
“It just says ‘sugarplum’, sorry.”
Harry sighs, and slides off of Zayn and onto his butt in the grass. “I guess we’ll never know which of us has the brightest future in colour coding.”
“What a pity.” Zayn rolls his eyes and stretches his arms out in front of him. “Good colour on you though, Li. Brings out the flush in your cheeks.”
“Yes.” Harry nods, pleased to have something to agree on. “Well named too, cos you’re so sweet yourself.” He’s still on the ground, so he pinches his own cheek.
“Is it your favourite?” Louis asks. He looks much calmer now that they aren’t arguing over colour semantics.
“What, lipstick? I’m not sure, it’s the first one I’ve ever got.”
“You plan on getting more?” Zayn asks.
“Yeah, I’d like to.”
“May I suggest you invest in a bright red one at some point? That would look so badass.”
“A soft pink would be good for every occasion, too.” Harry says. “Very practical.”
“Liam doesn’t want practical.” Louis huffs. “Liam wants drop-dead gorgeous.”
Liam chuckles. “Oh, I don’t know about that. Maybe a bit of both, I suppose.”
Zayn slings an arm around Liam’s neck. “Hey, whatever makes you happy.”
Liam smiles. He is happy.
*
They play football for a while, but it’s not been a good day for Niall’s knee and he has to sit it out eventually. Liam sits down with him.
There’s never a need to fill the silence between them and Niall hums to himself as he pulls apart little blades of grass. Liam takes his sneakers off and picks pebbles out of the treads.
“Hey, Li?”
“Yeah?” Liam looks over, notices Niall’s stopped shredding the grass.
“Feel like I should probably tell you that, uh. I recently figured out... I’m a demi boy.”
“Really? That’s wonderful, Niall. How long have you known?”
“Well, I reckon it’s been in the back of my mind for awhile now, but I only confirmed it like, a couple months ago. I thought I was being a bit of a shit friend at first, centering everything I was reading around myself, and then it hit me like ‘ohhh, that’s why.’”
A couple months ago. That wouldn’t have been long after Liam came out to Niall.
“Oh Niall, you’re not a shit friend at all. You’re my best friend. You should’ve told me sooner, I could’ve helped you figure it out.”
“Yeah, I know you would’ve.” Niall bites his lip, like he’s embarrassed. “I wanted to but uh, I didn’t want to steal any of your thunder, I guess? Didn’t want you to have to worry about me on top of everything else.”
“But Niall, that’s what friends are for. It’s our job to worry about each other.” Liam reaches an arm out to pat his shoulder, but Niall brushes past it and slams into his side before Liam can touch him.
Liam cuddles him close and hopes Niall can feel the strength of how very much he loves him through his arms.
“It’s alright, babe, we’re alright,” Liam murmurs, maneuvering Niall into his lap.
Eventually, Niall pulls back enough to look at Liam. His eyes are damp, but he looks okay, looks happy.
“And besides,” Liam adds, brushing the hair out of Niall eyes. “I’m great at sharing, Niall, you know that. We went to kindergarten together.”
Niall makes a sound that’s part sniffle, part chuckle. “Yeah, I do know that. I just, um.” He finds one of Liam’s hands, and grips it tightly. “I wanted to say thank you, for being you, Li. I don’t think I would have been able to figure myself out if it weren’t for you.”
Liam’s heart feels overwhelmed with so much fondness that he leans forward and presses a kiss to Niall’s cheek. He doesn’t even think about it, until he pulls away.
“Oh no, I’m sorry, erm. You’ve got a mark there.” Liam reaches out his thumb to rub it out, but Niall catches him by the wrist.
“Fine by me,” Niall says. He’s beaming, and Liam doesn’t think he’s ever resembled the sun as much as he does at that moment.
The others join them in the shade after a while. Liam was expecting to put up with some teasing, but instead they all start pouting about not having any Liam kisses of their own.
He happily accedes to their pleas, although he has to reapply the lipstick several times. Harry presses his cheek to Liam’s own and crows in delight when it leaves a relatively clear imprint on Liam’s face.
There’s a part of Liam that feels relieved they don’t ask to borrow the lipstick to wear themselves. He likes being the only one wearing it on his lips.
Not that he’d mind if they wanted to wear lipstick, but this one, this Sugarplum fuchsia/magenta, it’s special. Liam bought it with his own money, and he bought it for himself, to feel more like himself.
Niall’s knee doesn’t seem up to playing football again, so Louis declares they ought to play a game of chicken fighting instead.
Niall clings to Liam shoulder’s and they do their best to oust Zayn from his perch atop Louis’ shoulders, while Harry sits on the grass to referee and play with his phone.
Neither team manages to win before the ice cream truck announces it’s arrival, pulling up on the other side of the park.
“Alright lads, and Liam!” Louis announces, getting everyone’s attention.
Liam smiles. He’s never been happier about Louis’ petty refusal to call him a lad.
“Winners and losers are safe,” Louis continues, “But whoever comes in second place is a rotten egg! Ready, set, go!”
Then they’re off, a gaggle of pinwheeling limbs and smiling faces, covered in messy, lipstick kisses.
Liam’s heart feels a bit of a mess too.
*