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It had been a month.
A month since the Eclipse Cannon incident, as G.U.N. called it. When the world had almost been destroyed by a super laser charged with chaos energy.
A month since Sonic had teamed up with the only person who could ever keep up with him, the only person who could ever match him in speed.
A month since that person had sacrificed himself to save the world.
Sonic ached whenever he thought about Shadow. Which was wrong, because the guy had almost killed Tom! Tom’s arm was still in a sling, his cracked ribs still healing from Shadow’s attack.
Shadow had almost ripped their family apart, so why did Sonic’s heart hurt whenever he thought of the other hedgehog?
Maybe it was because he missed the challenge, the thrill of having someone be his equal when it came to speed- never slowing down for Shadow, the way he had to for the others. Or maybe Shadow’s broken expression from their conversation on the moon was what was haunting him.
The desperate words, “I’ve felt this pain for so long. It’s all I know.”, still rang in his ears, a heartbreaking contradiction to the hedgehog who had fought him with such rage. Because Shadow had never gotten a chance to be anything different. Even once he had made the right choice, had turned away from revenge, instead of getting to experience the world in a new way- Shadow had died.
The guilt was enough to steal Sonic’s breath sometimes. He had been too weak. He had lost his golden form and had fallen, leaving Shadow to bear the laser alone. Shadow had been alone at the end, protecting the earth that he had almost destroyed. Knuckles called it fitting- a punishment as well as redemption, in a way. Tails avoided the subject, the mention of Shadow making his fur puff in fright.
Which was why Sonic sat alone at the base of a tree deep in the woods, hugging his knees to his chest and rocking back and forth. Silent tears slipped down his face, no matter how hard he fought to stifle them.
An aching, gaping hole ripped wider in his chest as he remembered Shadow’s smile as they had fought the robots together- like he was happy for the first time in a long while.
It was just so tragic, and so heartbreaking, in every way, but also so conflicting. Because on one hand you had this hedgehog who had clearly been lost in the deepest pits of grief, who’s hard expression told Sonic of many battles fought, who was cold and hard to the world. Who had nearly caused the destruction of the earth, who had nearly killed Tom.
By all rights, Sonic should hate him.
And yet…
That hedgehog was the same one who had spoken so openly, his voice shaking with grief over his lost friend. Who had seemingly been manipulated into thinking revenge was the right course of action. Who had begged Sonic to kill him, because he didn’t know what to do with his pain. The hedgehog who had turned from his rage and revenge to save the world, who had made the ultimate sacrifice in order to make things right.
Sonic couldn’t hate him. Because in another, better world, they could have been friends. Teammates. Brothers, even- the way Knuckles and Tails were to him. But there was no chance of that, because Shadow was gone.
Leaving Sonic heavy with grief for someone he barely knew.
Sonic bit back the sob that ached in his chest, fighting the grief that threatened to drag him down and drown him. He didn’t want to go back to the days of catatonic grieving. Of an endless cycle of tears and panic attacks. Of the guilty pressure that weighed him down wherever he went. He had fought too hard to get out of that hole after he had lost Longclaw. He couldn’t go back.
And what would Shadow say to that? A hysterical sob tore from Sonic’s throat when he imagined the dark hedgehog’s disgusted look. He could almost hear his mocking words, telling Sonic he was weak to succumb to his emotions in such a way. No, Sonic wouldn’t go back to that place. He owed it to Shadow to carry on, to protect the world.
Not only for Shadow, but also for his family. They needed him to be strong, to be positive, to be the one that broke the serious pressure that had fallen over them all. He had to keep things light, even as they all still recovered from the near loss. There were many nights that Tails woke up screaming from nightmares, dreams in which his family was ripped away from him. Knuckles trained near constantly, vowing to be more ready for the next threat. And Sonic? When he wasn’t running, he was joking and pestering, trying to lighten the oppressive atmosphere that had settled over the household. Trying to keep things normal.
Maddie was gone most days, working twice as much while Tom was recovering and on leave from the police force. She came home stressed and exhausted, overstimulated from her job as a vet.
The stress and tension was mounting, and Sonic didn’t know how much longer it would hold before it snapped. In the meantime, he would do his best not to stress or worry anyone, because he couldn’t burden anyone else with his feelings while the family was already so on edge. And if he were being honest with himself- he didn’t think any of them would understand. They hadn’t seen Shadow on the moon, hadn’t heard the broken pleading of the hedgehog begging Sonic to kill him-
Sonic snuffed out that thought with a growl, blinking wetly at the darkening sky. “I guess you got your wish, huh, Shadow?” He whispered to the sky, voice trembling. “I hope you’re with your friend, wherever you are.”
Sonic tried to pull himself together, knowing it was nearly supper time. Knowing he had to be there on time, with a loud and excited attitude about his run, about his day. But right now he just felt damp and wrung out, the traces of tears still visible on his face. The remains of the guilt still echoing in his lungs, in his shaking hands.
Sonic stood, scrubbing the last remains of the tears from his eyes. His body ached from the position he had been curled into for the last two hours. He wiped mud and leaves from his fur, erasing all trace of his forest sit-down. Rolling his shoulders back, he winced a little at the bruises coating his body. His feet ached in his shoes, but he ignored it.
When there was no trace of wetness on his face, Sonic shot off through the woods, carelessly bashing into trees and boulders and bouncing off, adding to his bruises. The burning feeling in his feet only grew worse as he ran even more, the strain from the constant laps in the past few months starting to get to him. He ignored it all though, focusing on the path in front of him, on the energy crackling over his quills as he ran. On the way the air was crisp and fresh, settling in his lungs. On the way the thoughts and emotions switched off, replaced by the thud of his feet hitting the ground and panting breaths he took.
Sonic knew it wasn’t healthy to bury emotions. But right now, it was the only thing he could do.
Grief was a funny thing. It just kind of… hung there, always present and waiting for its chance to strike. Waiting to steal your breath and water your eyes, to pulse in your chest with pain you couldn’t make go away.
What could you do with grief like this? Longclaw he still grieved, his mother of many years, but with that pain, he knew what to do with. Focus on the love they’d shared, the good memories, the light she had been in his life.
But with Shadow? There was no love between them, just a brief bond born from wielding the master emerald together, of fighting as one against the end of the world. There was very little to reflect back on, nothing to focus on. So Sonic’s pain just… hung there. Waiting to drop when he least expected it, when a color combination of black and red caught his eyes, or the pair of roller skates in the corner of his room. How could you find peace when there was no closure? With Longclaw, Sonic knew she had died protecting him, sacrificing herself in the way only a mother would. He had peace because he’d had closure, in a way. She had died to give him a chance at truly living. To protect him and keep him safe in the only way she could.
Shadow, though… there would never be closure. Sonic didn’t know his story, didn’t know him. He just knew that the other hedgehog had died before truly being given a chance at life.
Stop. Sonic told himself. Stop dwelling on it. You’re only making it worse. You need to stop, focus on your family, don’t drag them down with you! Don’t burden them with your grief.
Sonic skidded to a stop in the tree line of his yard, facing the backdoor of the house. Through the sliding door glass, he could see Tails helping Tom set the table, caught a glimpse of Knuckles marching into the kitchen.
Sonic took a deep breath, steadying his emotions, before putting a mischievous smile on his face. He wiped the fur underneath his eyes, satisfied when he found that the wind of his running had dried the damp fur.
Fake it til you make it, or something like that. Sonic told himself, taking a few steps towards the house.
The hole in his chest quieted as he smothered it with joy and enthusiasm, throwing the sliding door open dramatically. “I’m hooome!” He announced, bounding inside.
His family greeted him warmly, Tails and Tom embracing him and asking him how his run was. Sonic babbled about the sights and smells, lying through his teeth as he spoke of how much fun he’d had. He knew lying was wrong, but the truth would only hurt them all, and stress everyone more.
So Sonic would hold everything he felt deep inside, his mind and heart a prison for any unhappy feelings. Because grief was funny (not really), and hard, and so tiring.
But Sonic had handled it before. He could do it again, this time with a smile on his face and a bounce in his step.