Chapter Text
Around four in the morning Ludwig was woken up by an alarm and though he’d love to stay in his bed he got out of it with a groan and his eyes still closed. His room was pitch black but he’d gotten used to the layout of it so he had no trouble blindly walking towards the light switch to turn on the light. With his fingertips he felt the wall around the approximate location of said switch and gently pressed it once he found it. His eyelids were still pressed together tightly when the light was already illuminating his room. When he finally dared to open his eyes there was a sticky note taped above the light switch that Ludwig had scribbled on last evening.
WAKE UP GILBERT !!!
Ludwig rubbed his eyes and headed straight for his older brother’s room where the alarm was already going off but Gilbert was still under covers sleeping snugly. Usually Gilbert had no problem getting up early… If it was the ‘average’ early which to him meant around six or seven in the morning. But considering how busy Gilbert was these past days Ludwig guessed he might need some help getting up. And Gilbert was aware of that, it was actually his suggestion that Ludwig writes the note, just in case.
Slowly, Ludwig made his way towards the bed. Matthew wasn’t there so it looked bigger than usual. He shook Gilbert’s shoulder.
“Wake up,” he said while still shaking him. Gilbert groaned and pushed Ludwig’s hand away. Ludwig sighed and tried to pull off the covers off the bed and off Gilbert.
“C’mon we’ll be late,” he insisted. “The plane won’t wait for us.”
“Five more minutes,” Gilbert pulled the covers over his face once again and gripped them tightly.
“I deserve at least five more minutes.”
Ludwig rolled his eyes and decided to give Gilbert those five minutes he insisted he needed so badly. He’d go brush his teeth and then come back. When those five minutes passed, ten actually, and Ludwig was dressed already. He went to Gilbert’s bedroom once again to do as he was told and wake him up.
“Gilbert, now you really have to get up,” Ludwig tugged on the sheets. “We can’t be late, remember? You said so yourself. Matthew is going to be SO sad if we miss –“ Finally, Gilbert groaned and sat up. He placed his face in his palms as if to rest for a few seconds more and then he rolled out of bed. He yawned and stretched before rubbing his eyes and turning to Ludwig who was illuminated from behind by the hallway light.
“What’s the time?” he asked.
“Ten past,” Ludwig answered. “Do you want coffee?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
Ludwig descended down the stairs where all of their luggage was waiting. There wasn’t a lot, Ludwig had his suitcase and Gilbert had his. There was another suitcase with gifts in them all carefully wrapped one way or another to ensure nothing would break or get damaged during their flight.
The sole thought of being high up in the air made Ludwig’s stomach twist. In his nineteen years of life, he never once flew with an airplane anywhere. He liked the safety the ground offered and so he never felt the need to travel by air. Not that there was a chance for him to do so either way. And he wasn’t exactly offered to choose when Gilbert told him they were going to Canada to spend the last week of the year with Matthew and his family, which only gave him one more thing to be anxious about.
Ludwig tried to focus at task at hand, which was making a cup of coffee for Gilbert and breakfast for both of them. His hands felt weak every time he picked up something. The plates, the cup, the cutlery, you name it, Ludwig felt like he was going to drop it.
Gilbert noticed it when they sat down together to eat.
“Are you feeling okay?” Gilbert put his hand over Ludwig’s forehead.
“I’m fine,” Ludwig pushed away Gilbert’s hand. “Just… Nervous.” Ludwig scratched the back of his neck.
Gilbert gave him an empathetic smile. “I was nervous too, meeting Matthew’s family for the first time. But you have nothing to worry about, they about the nicest people you’ll ever have the pleasure of meeting. Aside from me.” Ludwig just nodded. He hoped what Gilbert was saying was true. That Matthew’s family was going to be nice to him.
“I’ll put all of our things in the car, you make sure that all windows are closed, that everything is unplugged and that the lights are off… stuff like that.” Ludwig was just putting away the clean dishes from breakfast so he was making a mental note to himself of all the things he had to make sure of. It felt weird, leaving the house he’d grown to know and love in such a short time. It wasn’t big or luxurious but it was warmer and felt more welcoming than the one he’d known before.
Everything was fine upstairs. Ludwig drew the curtains closed for good measure and then headed downstairs where Gilbert was already waiting for him.
“I checked the downstairs already. We’re good to go.”
Ludwig nodded and followed Gilbert, turning off the last of the lights before they made their way to the garage and after making sure that the garage was also locked, made their way to the airport. Gilbert was the one driving, while Ludwig was drifting in and out of sleep in the passenger seat. At nineteen a lot of his peers already had their licence and Ludwig could have his too. Unfortunately, while his friends were learning to drive, Ludwig was still learning that having a family didn’t have to be exhausting and uncomfortable.
They were about twenty minutes from the airport and that was when Ludwig stopped drifting off to sleep and kept his eyes open for the rest of their drive. He was seeing this part of the region for the first time. It wasn’t anything special but it still amused Ludwig to see something different for the first time in a while. There was a knot in his stomach… it felt freeing to be out of the town he knew so well but it also felt scarier than he’d thought it would.
His eyes moved to the left, to the driver’s seat. Gilbert was focused on the road and his face was serious but relaxed. Though his brother was still quite young, Ludwig would occasionally notice a small wrinkle that wasn’t there the first time they met. Well – the first time he remembered them meeting. It was still difficult for Ludwig to recall the parts of his childhood with Gilbert in it.
Gilbert was Ludwig’s age when he left – was forced to leave – his home for the first time. He could not even begin to imagine how Gilbert must’ve felt, all those years back. Leaving his hometown like this was already making Ludwig nervous, even with everything planned out, but if he was forced to leave it, and not being given any time to prepare for it… The sheer thought of it made him admire his brother more. And it made Ludwig feel even sorrier for what he had to go through.
“Morning, sleepyhead,” said Gilbert through a chuckle, a smile forming on his face, when he saw with the corner of his eye Ludwig sitting up straighter in the passenger seat. “We’re almost there.”
Ludwig nodded and ran his hand through his hair. From front to back. Once he let go of it, it fell right back over his forehead. It felt quite long already. Maybe he should start slicking it back… or cut it really short. He pulled down the mirror and brushed his hair back with his fingers, deciding whether he liked it or not.
“It looks nice,” Gilbert commented, sparing half a second to glance at Ludwig. “I think it’d make you look older though.” “Is that a bad thing?” asked Ludwig sincerely. Gilbert shrugged. “It’s nice to enjoy your youth while you can… My opinion, however, is probably a bit biased.”
Because you barely had time to enjoy yours, Ludwig thought to himself when he watched Gilbert’s smile disappear from his face. “Or I could just shave –“ “Ludwig! Do NOT shave off your hair.”
Ludwig chuckled. “Why? Because you’ll be sad?” “Yes, of course I’ll be sad! Do you want to make your poor, older brother sad?” “Maybe I do. Maybe I’m in my rebellious phase.” They laughed it off, the mood in the car felt lighter. Ludwig wasn’t that serious about shaving his hair off. If not for any other reason it would be because Feliciano liked touching it. Ludwig always just stood or sat still whenever Feliciano was doing that, like some sort of dog or a cat. When Ludwig’s hair would grow enough to be brushed behind his ear (but not stay there) Feliciano would brush it behind his hair over and over again, gently gliding his fingertips across Ludwig’s earlobe.
He's put his head on Ludwig’s shoulder and watch in amusement how still Ludwig sat. Never moving as much as a muscle.
The two got much closer in the past two years but neither of them took the extra step to make things official between them.
And then Feliciano had to leave. Ludwig waited with him at the airport. Even when it was just the two of them left Ludwig couldn’t find the courage to lean in one final time and close the distance between their lips, just once, for just a second. Even a year later he still struggled to find the words to describe how much he regretted it. Kiku would always assure him that there was still time to make up for it when Feliciano comes back but neither of them knew when Feliciano would decide to do so.
Gilbert and Matthew didn’t strike him as huge fans of PDA but even they were brave enough to share a kiss before Gilbert had to leave Canada for the first time. Ludwig often felt stupid, seeing as he was nowhere as brave as Gilbert was.
He didn’t have that much more time to think about that because they were nearing the airport. Gilbert instructed Ludwig to take out their stuff while he took care of the parking.
The airport was big and Ludwig felt like there were announcements coming from every direction. There were so many signs, hanging in the air, on a wall there were big stickers on the ground, telling him where to go… He was overwhelmed and squeezed the handle of his suitcase tighter, as if to redirect his energy elsewhere.
He felt a hand on his shoulder.
“Just make sure you stay next to me,” said Gilbert with a smile. This kind of smile, the one that didn’t cause any creases in his cheeks and barely around his eyes, was the most understanding and comforting thing Ludwig could see in that moment. He nodded and swallowed hard. He just had to stick to Gilbert.
Everything went smoothly.
“Is it possible to put our seats close together? The same row, if that’s possible,” Ludwig heard Gilbert talking. Why not together, right next to each other? He felt worried, did Gilbert not want to sit next to him?
Gilbert noticed the worried expression.
“This makes our chances of getting the window seat higher,” he whispered and Ludwig felt relieved. Of course. Sometimes he had to remind himself that if Gilbert didn’t like him, he wouldn’t have basically adopted him. He wasn’t fully adjusted to this new life yet. Ludwig often found himself questioning Gilbert’s love for him and kept reminding himself over and over and over again that Gilbert loved him and the fact that they were brothers and he loved him enough to accept him under his roof where already lived another person Gilbert loved and Ludwig constantly reminded himself that Gilbert’s love was not conditional and he did it just because he could and wanted to.
Ludwig followed Gilbert around the airport like a lost puppy. He was just a glance in the wrong direction away being one, so his eyes were on Gilbert the entire time. When they were about to enter a crowd Ludwig immediately grabbed Gilbert’s bag, causing Gilbert to stop in his tracks. He noticed Ludwig was anxious and sighed.
“We won’t get separated. And if we do, just find someone who works here and after you tell them my name, they’ll be able to call me over the speaker.” He removed Ludwig’s hand from his bag. “Look, I know the airport is big and scary, I was losing my mind the first time I ever went on a plane. But don’t let it get to you. There’s staff who deal with situations like this on the daily.”
Ludwig felt embarrassed. Being talked to as if he were a child. Of course. Of course the staff was there to help.
Gilbert grabbed Ludwig’s hand all of a sudden which caused Ludwig to look up at him in confusion. “But if it’d make you feel better you can hold onto me, of course,” said his older brother with a comforting grin. Ludwig nodded and held Gilbert’s hand tightly while they made their way through the crowd. He wasn’t used to such casual physical contact. When Feliciano would brush his fingertips across small patches of Ludwig’s skin, Ludwig found himself struggling with finding and saying whatever it was that he wanted to say. And now that Gilbert was holding his hand so casually, he wasn’t sure how he should feel. He liked it. Gilbert’s grip was strong and to Ludwig it felt like a sort of conformation that he wasn’t going to let him go. Every day Ludwig was more grateful to have someone like Gilbert as his brother.
--
They were boarding the plane and everything seemed to be going smoothly. It looked like their seats were right next to each other which made Ludwig feel more at ease. The thought of having to spend more than 12 hours seated next to a stranger made him feel uncomfortable.
Their seats were the middle seat and the window seat. Gilbert almost instructed Ludwig to take the window seat.
“Are you sure?” Ludwig asked him over and over and Gilbert would just nod, insisting that he already had his turn sitting next to the window and that Ludwig should sit there.
It felt like they’ve been waiting forever for the plane to go up. Gilbert seemed calm however. Ludwig was shifting in his seat, restless and looking out the window at the people on the ground, boarding the plane. In the distance there were a few planes that were landing and a few that were flying up. It was only a matter of time before it was their turn to leave the ground.
“How much longer?” he’d turn to Gilbert again and again and Gilbert would look at the watch on his wrist and tell him the approximate time and even though it was different each time Ludwig felt as if no time had actually passed. They were still not moving.
“It’s not going to fly up the moment the clock hits 9:00,” Gilbert told Ludwig. “Or maybe it will. What matters is that we got here on time.” He ruffled Ludwig’s hair, messing it up. “Don’t be scared.”
Ludwig just nodded and lay back in his seat watching the people outside slowly move out their way. There was a knot in his stomach but he kept reminding himself that he had nothing to fear but when the plane started moving, Ludwig began feeling even more nervous, naturally. He looked at Gilbert who was already asleep. Or at least looked to be that way.
He would have to bear through this totally new thing alone.
Alone was an exaggeration. Gilbert was right there, next to him. Either asleep or on his way to being asleep.
If he was not forced to sit down Ludwig would stand up and pace around the plane. Unfortunately that was not an option. He took a deep breath.
There was a hand on his shoulder all of a sudden.
“You… You’ll be fine,” mumbled Gilbert and then closed his eyes, falling asleep for real this time. Ludwig felt a little better. Gilbert’s hand slipped away and fell on his own lap. He was probably asleep already which meant Ludwig was left to his own devices for the rest of the time they spent up in the air. Or at least until Gilbert woke up. Ludwig watched as the people on the ground became smaller and smaller until every last detail was basically invisible and the only thing that made Ludwig believe these were humans and not ants was the fact that he saw them before they became so small.
Before he knew it, they were up in the air and Ludwig had mostly calmed down but he still had his seatbelt fastened and was tightly holding the armrests. Gilbert was still asleep and Ludwig wished that he’d wake up and entertain him. Didn’t matter how as long as he was awake for Ludwig to unload any of his worries onto him.
Suddenly they were above the clouds and Ludwig felt as if all of his worries just washed away. The view was absolutely breathtaking and unlike anything he’d seen before.
He just stared. And stared. And then stared some more. He could get enough of this view. He turned to Gilbert. “Gilbert,” he said quietly. “We’re above the clouds.” Gilbert lazily opened one eye to look at Ludwig and then turned that same eye out of the window and smiled. “Yes, we are,” he mumbled and then closed said eye again. Ludwig forgot all about his anxieties and kept staring out of the window. Eventually he relaxed enough to start feeling sleepy. He leaned back in his seat and began dozing off. It was kind of like being on a bus when he thought about it. A really big bus, with larger seats and a stranger view.
The flight was supposed to last somewhere from eight to ten hours so Ludwig figured he had enough time to get some sleep before they landed. He’d been stressing about this visit for days so maybe this nap was just what he needed to calm down a bit. The biggest problem to him was that he didn’t know Matthew’s parents. Well he saw them in pictures, occasionally he’d hear their voice, distorted, through the phone while Matthew was talking to them. Matthew would describe them as kind but occasionally annoying. Ludwig would hear him groan and see him roll his eyes while talking on the phone with any of the two. Gilbert would say they were one of the nicest and most accepting people he’d ever met.
Despite their slightly varying opinions on Francis and Arthur both Gilbert and Matthew assured Ludwig that he had nothing to worry about. That they’ll love him and that they would treat him as if they’ve known him since forever. The words made Ludwig feel a little better but he had a bit of a trouble trusting adults that weren’t Gilbert or Matthew.
When Ludwig woke up, the light outside the plane was different which made him think he slept for a decent amount of time. While his eyelids were slowly drifting apart, his head lazily turned to his right where Gilbert was sitting, reading some book he bought at the airport.
“…What are you reading?” asked Ludwig when he couldn’t make out what any of the words meant. Gilbert’s eyes moved away from the book and towards his younger brother whose face had red imprints in its skin after being pressed against something with some amount of texture.
“Something I picked up at the airport,” he said. Ludwig looked at the words. “Since when do you know…” he took a closer look. “… French?”
Gilbert’s cheeks turned slightly red. “I’ve been learning. Because Matthew grew up speaking mostly French and his dad, Francis, is French. So I thought it’d be a nice thing to do. A nice gesture.”
“Can you say something in French? Je t’aime doesn’t count.”
Gilbert laughed in a way that was only half sarcastic. “Go back to sleep if you’re planning to be smug for the next two hours.”
For the next two hours, Ludwig just stared out the window while Gilbert read his book. He couldn’t get enough of the view.
-
The moment Ludwig had to buckle in his seat before the landing he was reminded of the tightness in his stomach and was nervous all over again.
While they were waiting to collect their luggage Ludwig was curiously looking around the airport. The clocks were showing 11AM which confused Ludwig until he remembered time zones were a thing. Even at such an hour the airport was pretty busy. He would glance at Gilbert whose eyes were glued to the merry go round thing with various suitcases.
Ludwig was sticking close to Gilbert and even went as far as to look in every direction he did. Eventually he found that Gilbert’s eyes glued to a particular man in the distance. The man was older, probably in his late forties or early fifties. He was pacing around where the exit was as if he was waiting for someone.
“Arthur!” Gilbert called out when they were close enough. There was a smile spread across his brother’s face while Ludwig was desperately trying to force one through his nervousness.
Gilbert almost immediately jumped to hug this guy who seemed rather taken aback by the hug but he still carefully put his arms around Gilbert. Ludwig only watched as they separated from each other and began talking.
“How was your flight? I hope you didn’t eat too much airplane food it wouldn’t be good if you got sick.”
“It was good, I slept for the majority of it. Didn’t really get a chance to eat a proper meal.” Gilbert followed with a laugh.
“That’s good, we have food at home. I hope you’re hungry, Francis would be quite upset if you weren’t. He’s happy he’ll get to see you again.”
“Likewise, I’m always thrilled to see the two of you. And Alfred.”
“Talking about brothers…”
Arthur’s eyes moved to the side of Gilbert where Ludwig was standing, nervously clutching his suitcase. His mouth was pressed tightly together to form a line that resembled a smile. Slowly he reached out his hand and looked up at Arthur. “Nice to meet you, sir,” he said quietly, his hand shaking. Arthur smiled in a similar fashion Ludwig did and shook his hand. “Just call me Arthur. You must be Ludwig, right?”
Ludwig nodded.
“Nice to meet you too, Ludwig.”
When Arthur squeezed his hand Ludwig felt more at ease. He mostly spoke to Gilbert while Ludwig walked quietly behind them. That was okay with him. He didn’t want to intrude on their conversation or disturb them in any way. After they got in his car, Gilbert dozed off quickly in the passenger seat so Arthur felt like he had to talk to Ludwig now. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to, it was just a little awkward since they only met.
“So what are you doing now, Ludwig? Are you in school?”
“Not currently. I’m on my way to become a football player. Like, a professional one. I think.”
“Oh that’s interesting. You should talk to Matthew then. He should know a thing or two about sports.”
Ludwig chuckled but couldn’t decide if it was sincere or forced. Arthur was nice but Ludwig would rather have him talk to Gilbert at least until he warmed up to him.
“What are you doing right now?” Ludwig returned the question. Arthur sighed and Ludwig felt as if he said something wrong.
“Ah you know. I go to work, I come home. Not much going on.”
Ludwig chose not to point out the fact that one of his sons is going to play in an important hockey match later that day. There was “much” going on. But he guessed you can get used even to stuff like that. Even Matthew probably just saw playing hockey as his job most of the time.
Between moments of silence Ludwig and Arthur were having countless small talks. They mostly warmed up to each other but the small conversations were still awkward.
It took a while before they got to Matthew’s home. Well, his parents’ home.
It wasn’t anything special. It was a house about 45 minutes away from the city but it wasn’t isolated or anything. The closest neighbours were a three-minute walk away and if you wanted to take a trip to the small grocery store it would take only about five minutes of driving.
Overall, it was a nice and quiet neighbourhood. Why Matthew and Gilbert chose to settle down in Germany was beyond Ludwig. If he had to choose he’d definitely chose this place. But then again, this place didn’t awaken any bad memories.
Ludwig felt a little shaky while helping Arthur and Gilbert unload the car. He still had to meet what felt like a bunch of people. He didn’t really know how many people were planning to come to the Christmas dinner and how many would even choose to talk to him.
While struggling to get his suitcase over the stairs and onto the porch Ludwig wasn’t really looking in front of him and he bumped into a tall person that seemed to have come out of the house just a second ago.
“Oh, sorry, I-“ his eyes travelled up, further on ahead only to be met with a pair of blue eyes and a friendly smile.
“You must be Ludwig,” he spoke with an elegant French accent, still smiling. “I’m glad to finally meet you. I’m Francis but you must’ve guessed as much.” He reached out his hand to hold Ludwig’s and shake it. Ludwig looked at the man standing before him. He was tall and thin, with a stubble and long hair with grey streaks that somehow seamlessly blended into the dirty blond hair that was tied at his nape. He seemed to be around Arthur’s age which made sense considering he was Arthur’s husband, Ludwig knew as much.
He heard Gilbert talk about how beautiful Francis was and each time he saw Matthew roll his eyes at the statement. Ludwig found himself agreeing with Gilbert because Francis actually was very good looking.
Ludwig nodded. “Nice to meet you too. I’m Ludwig.” As soon as his introduction left his mouth he bit his tongue realising he already affirmed who he was.
It didn’t look like it bothered Francis, it didn’t seem like he noticed it at all, so Ludwig felt relieved. Right behind him was Gilbert who greeted him with much more enthusiasm, practically jumping into Francis’ arms for a hug.
Ludwig watched the interaction between the two. First they shared a hug and Francis didn’t hesitate like Arthur did – he learned from Matthew that his parents were quite different from each other in terms of behaviour and especially when it came to affection. That’s not to say that he felt more loved by one than by the other it was just that they didn’t show it in the exact same way.
After they pulled away from the hug they immediately began with their conversation. It was mostly small talk but their words and laugher were all over the place. Ludwig just stood beside them not knowing whether he should chime in or not. It’s not like he wanted to, but the least he wanted to say was if maybe they could continue the conversation inside because the cold was getting to him.
Another thing that he did not expect was the cold. It felt like it was cutting into his skin and tearing into his fingers. His gloves were inside his suitcase so all Ludwig did was open and close his palms repeatedly to try and generate some heat.
“Why the hell are you two talking outside? Let’s go inside, Ludwig is freezing up out here!” Arthur walked up on the porch and gestured for all of them to head inside, he put his hand on Ludwig’s upper back and lightly pushed him forward toward the entrance. A fatherly gesture, of sorts.
Once inside Francis guided them to the sofa in the living room where they’d sit down, leaving the suitcases near the entrance door to be taken care of later.
Ludwig was looking around the place. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. Maybe an art piece or two more than you’d see at a regular house but that was it. There were dozens of family pictures but Ludwig guessed it was normal to have more than the one that was hung in the living room of where he used to live. He shook his head trying not to think about that too hard. In that moment he wanted to focus on getting to know Francis and Arthur because he thought they might start drilling him with questions as adults usually did.
Most of the conversation was going on between the older three. Gilbert was visibly very comfortable with the two. He even offered to help Arthur when the latter asked if they’d like anything warm to drink but Arthur insisted it was fine. Gilbert and Francis continued their conversation, mostly talking with each other but occasionally turning to Ludwig as well.
“Matthew mentioned you want to be a football player, is that right Ludwig?” Francis turned to him. Ludwig just nodded. “Did he ever tell you that he used to play football too? When he was around twelve, I think.” Francis stood up and grabbed an album from the shelf. It was plain and no bigger in height and width than a regular notebook. The colour could be described as “desaturated, forest green” and the edges of the album were worn off. There was a white rectangular sticker with black numbers indicating which years the memories were from.
Francis sat down and gestured for Ludwig to come closer. Gilbert sprung from his seat as well despite the fact that he probably saw these pictures many times before.
There were maybe three pictures of Matthew wearing a football uniform. His hair was tied at his nape, similar to how he still tied it to this day except the hair in the picture was way longer and brighter. In the picture he also wasn’t wearing glasses and was frowning. Maybe it was the mud on his jersey or the fall that probably happened beforehand. Or maybe he just didn’t see so well without his glasses.
There was also a picture of someone who looked exactly like Matthew but wasn’t because he had shorter hair and was missing half a tooth.
“Is this… uh what was his name, Alfred, right?”
Francis nodded.
“You can keep looking if you want to.” He handed Ludwig the album. Perhaps he recognized that Ludwig would rather do something else than force himself into a conversation he might feel awkward being a part of.
Ludwig kept turning the pages in the album. There weren’t many photos, but enough to see the progress of Matthew and Alfred’s growth. There were enough to pick one from each year and align them by year to make some sort of chart to show how much Matthew and Alfred grew through these specific years.
Eventually he turned to one of the pages that was one of the last ones. There was a picture of Matthew with a familiar face next to him. Gilbert.
He looked different. Gilbert was already pretty lean but he looked even thinner in the picture that Francis opened the page on. There were dark circles under his eyes and another thing that stood out to Ludwig was how different Gilbert’s smile was in that picture. He could only describe it as tame. Tame and maybe he could call it tired.
The picture wasn’t anything too special by itself. It was a picture of Matthew and Gilbert sitting on the floor facing each other. Between them there was some tabletop game they were in the middle of. It looked like they were in the living room. In the corner of the picture there was another person, their face wasn’t clearly visible, but Ludwig assumed it was Alfred.
It was strange to see Gilbert like this.
Ludwig kept turning the pages, Francis and Gilbert discussing them. Ludwig could hear them talking but didn’t really focus on what they were saying. He just stared at the pictures. Mainly at Gilbert. There was one of him lying on his back on the very same couch they were sitting on. His head was in Matthew’s lap and Matthew was looking down at him. They had no idea the picture was being taken or so it seemed. It was hard to see but the smile that Gilbert had on his face in that picture was perhaps the most honest smile in the album so far.
“How old were you here?” Ludwig turned towards Gilbert who looked up from the album at Ludwig and then up to the side as if having his eyes in that position helped him think. “I think I was… A little over twenty. Twenty-one, twenty-two.”
Ludwig nodded quietly. A little older than he was now.
He looked back at those pictures and imagined himself in Gilbert’s situation. The situation that was happening behind the scenes when the picture was taken. Some sort of recovery. In no way Gilbert felt confident, standing on his own two feet at the time but at least that’s what he was doing or trying to do.
Ludwig began thinking of his own situation. Where he was now. In a way, he was, just like Gilbert was around that age, recovering. He was not yet pushed to his own feet unlike his brother was though.
He didn’t want to compare himself to Gilbert but he despised the fact that he couldn’t be more… independent. Ludwig knew it was true that Gilbert didn’t choose that path. That he took that path because at the time it was the only one that made some sense.
Ludwig’s train of thought was interrupted by the doorbell ringing.
“You got early more early visitors?” Gilbert asked. Francis began getting off his seat. “Must be Alfred.”
Before Francis could finish his sentence, Gilbert was already on his feet and dashing towards the front door to open it. “Alfred!” “Gilbert!” were the only words that could be made out before the two began catching up. Ludwig only remembered Gilbert and Matthew talking about Alfred. He was Gilbert’s friend, the first one that Gilbert made when he went to Canada. They were similar in a way, both very energetic and occasionally loud and occasionally very annoying, as Matthew only half-jokingly put it.
There were some excited gasps coming from around the corner where the entrance door was. A few seconds later Ludwig could see what got Gilbert so excited.
Strapped to Alfred’s chest was a whole baby, dressed in pink and with a ponytail on each side of her head. She was pulling on the strings of Alfred’s hoodie, biting and pulling them. Alfred didn’t seem to mind.
“Hey hey hey,” Alfred said cheerfully as he saw his parents and Ludwig. “I heard we have a new guest this year!”
His eyes immediately turned to Ludwig who was still sitting on the sofa and was trying to act as natural as possible.
“Hello,” a single word left his mouth and Ludwig quietly regretted making it sound so formal. Alfred walked up to both his parents to greet them and then he walked to Ludwig sitting down next to him. “You must be Ludwig,” he extended his hand to shake Ludwig’s. “Nice to meet you, dude.” Ludwig cleared his throat. He felt nervous out of habit. He reached out his shaking hand and squeezed Alfred’s. Ludwig smiled in a way that made it obvious that his smile was a little forced. Unintentionally though. Whether Alfred noticed it or not he couldn’t tell. Even if he did notice it, maybe he was just too nice to say anything.
Everyone was now on the sofa, talking. Well - everyone except Ludwig – he was mostly listening. Occasionally Alfred would ask him a question, since he didn’t know him that well. Ludwig would answer, but he kept his answers short and his word few. He was glad Alfred didn’t bother him too much and was grateful that Gilbert was such a great distraction.
Ludwig let his eyes dart between the four (well, five) people sitting around him. They were all smiling, occasionally Arthur would frown but Gilbert told him many times that his frowning was more of an unconscious habit. Gilbert actually confessed that the first time he met him, he was worried that Arthur didn’t like him because of how often he frowned. Matthew had to assure him multiple times that it was okay, that Arthur actually quite liked Gilbert but it was just a habit of his.
While they were talking Ludwig kept flipping through the few albums that were pushed into his lap. There weren’t many, but enough to keep Ludwig occupied and make him feel like he was politely ignoring everyone else.
There was one that was older than the rest. Ludwig opened it and was met with only a few pictures from each year. Some were more worn around the edges and others less. Some of them were black and white, others, especially the ones that came later, had a yellowish hue and some were a bit out of focus. It didn’t take a scientist to figure out these were pictures of Arthur and Francis when they were young or younger in general. And if Ludwig would be in doubt whether these were actually pictures of the two the writing that accompanied the pictures would erase any and all doubts. There was the year it was taken and sometimes the place and occasionally a further context of what was going on in the picture.
Both of them changed quite a bit. Francis grew out his hair more. It looked like he was always tying it up at his nape – like Matthew did (he most likely picked it up from Francis).
Another thing that stood out to Ludwig were Arthur’s pictures. Especially the ones where he was the age Gilbert was when the two of them met. They looked very similar. Just for fun, Ludwig opened another album, one that had a picture of Gilbert in his early twenties and compared it to a picture of Arthur where he was of this same age.
The picture or Gilbert he chose was one where he was standing next to Matthew. They were posing for a picture, standing next to each other awkwardly, their cheeks looked redder than they usually did. They were smiling but Gilbert’s smile was sort of tired with eye bags that accompanied him on every picture that was taken during this time of his life. The smudged black eyeliner did not make them look any better.
Other than that, he focused on Gilbert’s clothes, the way he dressed and presented himself. His face was pierced the way it was pierced to this day. His hair was messy, his clothes were dark and he wore heavy leather boots. His black jeans were ripped on his knees and there was a band graphic tee peeking from under the black leather jacket he wore.
Arthur was, in his picture, also wearing a jacket. His was more worn and had a bunch of pins on the front and patches on the sleeves. His hair was messy and his blond hair was of a more unnatural bright yellow hue. Patches were covering his pants as well and just like Gilbert he was wearing heavy leather boots, but unlike Gilbert’s shoelaces which were black, Arthur’s were yellow. There was a half-finished cigarette hanging out his mouth. His eyes were lined with black as well and there was a crooked piercing in his eyebrow. His gaze was unimpressed and tired with a hint of anger or some other negative emotion.
Ludwig came to the conclusion that the two were very similar. Arthur saw himself in Gilbert and perhaps felt somewhat fatherly towards him. Not that Ludwig knew all of Arthur’s life story but he knew parts of it. It was similar to Gilbert’s but in Arthur’s case, if Ludwig understood correctly, it was Arthur who left his home after his relationship with his parents turned rocky.
“What are you looking at?” Alfred was suddenly towering over Ludwig. Ludwig felt panicked for no reason, as if he was caught doing something he shouldn’t have. That of course was not the case. He was just used to feeling guilty for no reason. “Nothing important,” said Ludwig quietly and somewhat awkwardly. Alfred laughed and patted Ludwig’s shoulder. “You were looking at those pictures quite intensely, are you sure it was unimportant?”
“I just thought that… Gilbert and Arthur were quite similar when they were this age,” he showed Alfred the two pictures he was comparing for the last minute or two. Alfred stared and began nodding slowly. “Hm… I see it.” Ludwig began putting the pictures back in their rightful place. Alfred snatched them out of his hands to take a closer look. “I guess that’s another reason why they’re so close.”
Ludwig looked over at the rest of the people. Gilbert was holding Alfred’s daughter and was talking with Arthur and Francis… and occasionally with the baby as well. The ones doing most of the talking were Gilbert and Arthur.
Perhaps Arthur was the first proper adult that Gilbert could trust. Their relationship was kind of like Gilbert and Ludwig’s if he squinted.