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My name is Jee-Yun Buckley Han. I’m five years old. I have a little brother named Nash and he’s just a baby. His full name is Robert Nash Han but that’s too long so we just call him Nash. Nash is named after my daddy’s old boss, Bobby, who died, which means he can’t play with me anymore. I miss Bobby. He used to tell really funny stories and give the best high fives. Mommy and Daddy and uncle Buck and Aunt Hen and Aunt Athena and Uncle Eddie also really miss Bobby. They get all sad when they talk about him.
But even though everyone misses Bobby I still think my name is prettier than Nash’s. I’m named after my daddy’s mommy. She was also called Jee-Yun and she died when my daddy was little which is why I’ve never met her. Mommy’s never met her either but she says she picked the name Jee-Yun for me because my daddy’s mommy must have been the best mommy ever if she raised someone as great as Daddy. And Daddy says that Mommy’s right about that, his mommy really was really great! I think my mommy is the best mommy ever, but I’m sure my daddy’s mommy was pretty great too! I told Mommy that once and then she started crying and I was worried that I said something bad! But Mommy said I didn’t say anything bad and she was crying happy tears because I was the best daughter ever. Mommy’s the best!
Anyway, even though my name is way nicer than Nash’s I don’t tell him that because I’m a good big sister. At first when Mommy had Nash I didn’t like him that much because he cried all the time and Mommy and Daddy were always tired from waking up because of his crying. And sometimes his crying woke me up too which was the worst! But now Nash doesn’t cry as much and Mommy and Daddy help me hold him sometimes. And sometimes he smiles real big and claps his little hands and it’s really cute! So I guess I like him now even though he’s still kind of annoying.
When Mommy and Daddy told me I was going to have a brother or sister they explained that just because there was going to be a new baby didn’t mean they were forgetting about me, and they were going to love me just the same, even if they had to worry about the baby a lot because babies are so little and can’t do anything by themselves. I told Mommy and Daddy they were being silly, though. I wasn’t worried they’d forget about me! I know other kids worry about that sort of thing sometimes, but other kids don’t have my mommy and daddy. My mommy and daddy are the best! They’d never forget about me just because of some baby!
They also told me that a cake was going to tell us if the baby was going to be a boy or a girl. I really love cake so I was super excited! The cake said the baby was going to be a girl though, which was wrong. I still kind of wish I had a little sister instead of a little brother. But Daddy said that sometimes even cake makes mistakes. Besides I have Mara and she’s kind of like a big sister even though she doesn’t live with us anymore but I still see her all the time, so it’s not like I have no sisters. So I won’t tell Nash I wish he were a girl because I’m a good big sister and I don’t want to make him sad. Unless he’s being really annoying, then I might tell him.
Even though Daddy’s mommy died when he was little I still have a grandma on daddy’s side and a grandpa too! Their names are Anne and John Lee but I just call them Grandma and Grandpa. Daddy doesn’t call them Mommy and Daddy though, he calls them Mr. and Mrs. Lee even though they’re always telling him to call them Anne and John. I asked Daddy why he doesn’t just call them Mommy and Daddy because they’re my grandparents and grandparents are your mommy and daddy’s mommy and daddy. Daddy said that Grandma and Grandpa let him live at their house after his mommy died. So they were like his parents, only he already had a mommy and daddy before them so that’s why he didn’t call them that.
I was still a little confused so he explained that if he and Mommy died I might go live with Aunt Hen and Aunt Karen or with Uncle Buck and then they would be like my parents because they were raising and taking care of me but it would be weird if I called them Mommy and Daddy because I already had a mommy and daddy before. And then I started crying because I don’t want Mommy and Daddy to die! When Bobby died I couldn’t see him anymore! I don’t want to stop seeing Mommy and Daddy! But Daddy promised me that he and Mommy weren’t dying and that he just said that so that he could explain why he doesn’t call Grandma and Grandpa Lee Mommy and Daddy. I guess if Mommy and Daddy weren’t around and I lived with Aunt Hen and Aunt Karen and also with Uncle Buck I wouldn’t want to call them Mommies and Daddy either. But Daddy promised that he and mommy are always going to be around so I never have to think about it.
Grandma and Grandpa Lee are the best! They get me the best presents on my birthday and when I sleep over at their house they make me pancakes or french toast for breakfast. Mommy and Daddy don’t usually have time to make a big breakfast because they have to go to work or clean the house or change the baby’s diaper so we usually eat cereal or regular toast for breakfast at home. But Grandma and Grandpa are retired which means they don’t work anymore so they do have time to make pancakes and french toast!
I wish no one had to work ever. Work is how Bobby died. He was a firefighter like my dad and my uncle Buck and my aunt Hen. Mommy and Daddy say he died protecting people at work. That’s scary because what if Daddy and Uncle Buck and Aunt Hen also die protecting people at work? And Mommy’s job is also to protect people! Does that mean she could also die protecting people at work? Daddy promised that he and Mommy won’t die though so I guess it’s okay. I still wish no one had to work though.
Even though Daddy’s mommy died when he was little, his daddy is still alive but he lives far away in a country called Korea which is also where my daddy is from. Daddy says he’ll take me to visit there one day! I don’t know a lot about Daddy’s daddy because Daddy doesn’t really talk about him. Mommy said I met him once but I don’t really remember. Mommy’s sort of like that about her mommy and daddy too, she doesn’t mention them a lot. But I do know them even though they also live far away in a place called Hershey (like the chocolate!) which is in a state called Pennsylvania, which is where Mommy and Uncle Buck are from. I asked Mommy once if we could visit Hershey one day like we were going to visit Korea and Mommy said maybe but she didn’t seem as excited about visiting Hershey as Daddy is about visiting Korea. I wish we could though because Uncle Buck says Hershey is where they invented Hershey bars and Hershey’s kisses and that’s why it’s called Hershey. And I love Hershey bars and Hershey’s kisses so I want to go see where they were invented!
Maybe Mommy doesn’t want to visit Hershey because her mommy and daddy live there. I mean, Grandma and Grandpa Buckley are nice! They always bring me toys and play with me when they visit! They don’t visit super often though and when they do they’re always saying things that make Mommy sad. Mommy pretends that having her mommy and daddy over makes her happy but I’m smart so I can tell that she’s pretending. I asked Mommy about it once and she said that Grandma and Grandpa Buckley do make her happy because they make me happy, but that sometimes they make her sad too because of the bad stuff that happened when she was little. Uncle Buck is weird around them too. But when I asked him why he just said he didn't want to talk about it.
I do like Grandma and Grandpa Buckley, they’re really nice to me and Nash. Except sometimes I don’t like them at all because they make Mommy and Uncle Buck sad. One time after Grandma and Grandpa Buckley visited I heard Mommy crying in her and Daddy’s room. And it wasn’t happy crying, it was regular crying, I could tell! Daddy never cries when Grandma and Grandpa Lee visit! That’s why they’re the best grandparents! They’re never mean to Mommy and Daddy, plus they don’t live far away, they live in Los Angeles, which is where we live, so they can always play with me.
Uncle Buck has a new house now. He used to live with Uncle Eddie for a while. I don’t know Uncle Eddie that well because he was living in Texas last year but now he’s back. He’s nice! And his son Chris who was also living in Texas last year said he’ll teach me how to play video games when I’m a little older. Uncle Buck said he would teach me too but Chris says Uncle Buck is really bad at video games, and that Chris lets Uncle Buck win sometimes so that he won’t feel bad. Chris is really funny! I know him and Uncle Eddie better now than I used to because Uncle Buck is always talking about them and hanging out with them even though he doesn’t live with them anymore. Mommy thinks it’s silly that Uncle Buck is living in a new house if he’s just going to spend all his time at Uncle Eddie’s anyway, but she only says that to Daddy, not to Uncle Buck. Sort of like how I don’t tell Nash that I wish he was a girl and that my name’s prettier than his. Mommy’s a good sister to Uncle Buck, just like I’m a good sister to Nash!
Mommy says she and Uncle Buck had another brother named Daniel who died when they were really little because he was sick. So that’s why I’ve never met him. Mommy says he would’ve loved me a bunch if he could’ve met me though! Daddy also had a brother who died. His name was Kevin and he was Grandma and Grandpa Lee’s son. He died protecting people at work, like Bobby. He was a firefighter too. Daddy says he wishes I could’ve met Kevin because I would’ve been his favorite niece ever. I also wish Daniel and Kevin hadn’t died. When people die it makes everybody really sad because you can’t see them anymore once they’re dead. Plus, it seems like lots of people that Mommy and Daddy love have died, which isn’t fair! I told my friend Lilly once about how I had two uncles who died plus a grandma, plus Bobby. And she said that all her aunts and uncles and grandparents are alive! How come everybody in her family gets to be alive, but people in my family have to be dead?
Mommy says that life is unfair sometimes and that bad things happen but that we shouldn’t let that make us angry at the world or at our friends because it’s not their fault, and that other people don’t deserve to be hurt just because we hurt. Mommy told me that last year when a really mean and terrible lady took her and gave her a big scar on her neck. She said that the mean lady hurt her because someone hurt the mean lady really bad when she was little, so the lady took all her hurt and mad out on Mommy even though it wasn’t Mommy’s fault! And it wasn’t okay that the mean lady hurt Mommy just because someone hurt the mean lady. Mommy said it was really important that I understand that it’s never okay to hurt other people on purpose just because I’m hurt. And she was really serious about it too! Usually Mommy’s pretty silly but she wasn’t being silly when she said all that. So I guess I’m not mad at Lilly even though it isn’t fair that a bunch of people in my family have died but everyone in her family is still alive. But I am still mad at the mean lady who hurt my mommy. Mommy says it’s okay to be mad at people who hurt you or hurt people you care about. It’s just not okay to take out that mad on other people, especially people who don’t deserve it. But the mean lady totally deserves it! Mommy and Daddy both think so too. And so does Uncle Buck and Aunt Hen and Aunt Karen! They all say it’s okay to be mad at her and hate her. So I do! I hate her!
I also hate Doug. Doug is the name of the man my mommy was married to before she met my daddy. He gave her and my daddy scars in their tummies and Mommy says he hurt her more in other ways. Mommy and daddy told me about Doug when I saw the scar on Mommy’s tummy and asked if the mean lady gave her that one too. She said no, that she got the scar from Doug, but that Doug was a lot like the mean lady, because just like the mean lady he took out all his mad and hurt on Mommy. Mommy and daddy both looked really sad when they were talking about Doug so I didn’t ask too many questions after that. I just don’t understand why so many people think it’s okay to hurt my mommy just because they’re hurt and mad! My mommy is the best! She does silly voices when she reads me stories and she gives the best hugs and if I have a nightmare she always makes me feel better. It’s not fair that Doug and the mean lady and sometimes Grandma and Grandpa Buckley too hurt my mommy. Mommy doesn’t deserve any of it. She only deserves nice things.
After I found out about Doug I tried to be extra nice to Mommy to make sure that she knows she deserves nice things. Mommy noticed I was being extra nice and said she really appreciated it, but that I didn’t have to act any different for her to know that she deserved nice things, because she already knows because she has me and Nash and Daddy and Uncle Buck and the rest of our family, and that we’re the nicest things ever. She also said it wasn’t my job to make her feel good, and she got really serious when she talked about that too, so I know she really meant it. She said if I ever feel like I’m taking care of other people instead of myself I should tell her and daddy, because it’s their job to take care of me, not the other way around. I don’t feel like I need to take care of Mommy and Daddy, I just like making them smile sometimes! But I promised Mommy that if I ever felt that way I would tell her because It seemed really important to her.
Mommy and Daddy always answer my questions even when I can tell it makes them sad. Mommy says that she wants me to know that I can come to them about anything, especially stuff that seems hard to talk about. She says it’s really important to her that I never feel like there are things I’m not allowed to talk to them about. And I’m glad they always answer my questions and don’t treat me like a baby who can’t understand anything. But sometimes when I ask about sad things and Mommy and Daddy get all sad and serious when they answer, it makes me really sad too and I don’t want to feel that way. So I think I’m okay with knowing what I know. But when I’m older I might ask more questions because a part of me does want to know more. Just maybe not right now.