Chapter Text
Jason looked out the large windows, wishing Dick would hurry up and stop flirting with the car rental lady. It was pitch-black outside and snowing. He could barely see the tarmac their private jet had just landed on.
Their flight to Kansas had only been two and a half hours, but it had felt like an eternity. Mainly because Dick had insisted on playing every board game the private jet contained rather than listen to music and sleep like a normal human being.
Hopefully Jason could get some sleep in the car. He really needed it before having to play nice with the entire Kent family. Although what he really needed was a cigarette. Why had he decided to quit smoking just before the holidays? He should have waited until New Years and made it a resolution.
Now he was stuck in Nowhere’s-ville, Kansas on Christmas Eve with his “brother” in order to collect their other “brother” and bring him back for Christmas Day lunch. He had no cigarettes, no sleep, and he really…
“Thanks, Judy!” Dick said with a grin and a jaunty wave. The brunette in the Santa hat giggled and waved back. She eyed Jason, her eyes sliding from the scars on his face to the white patch of hair on his forehead. Her smile faltered slightly and she turned back to Dick with a grin.
Jason rolled his eyes and tried not to let it bother him as he followed Dick to the door. Some girls just liked pretty boys. Jason wasn’t ugly, but he definitely wasn’t pretty. Not the way Dick was. And Dick was nice. Jason wasn’t particularly nice, and he didn’t look nice, either. Even at twenty-three, he looked like he’d lived about ten different lives. Probably because he had.
They hurried to the black Ford Ranger, both of them hunkering into their coats as the wind blew about them.
“Next stop, Smallville!” Dick said as he got into the driver’s seat. Jason sighed. Why had he agreed to this again?
Dick gave him a cheesy grin as they buckled themselves in. “Ready for a Kent Christmas?” he asked.
No. Jason wasn’t ready. Nothing would ever adequately prepare him to witness the adorable, perfect Kent family and their adorable, perfect home with their adorable, perfect Christmas traditions. Which apparently now included Bruce’s little shit of a son, Damien. He still couldn’t figure that part out.
Damn. He really needed a cigarette. It would really help take the edge off…
Dick eyed him with a smirk and started the car. “Check the glove compartment.”
Jason looked at him from the corner of his eye. Had Dick really stocked cigarettes for him? That was…kinda sweet…
Jason opened the glove compartment, already anticipating that first calming hit of nicotine – only to glare at the bag full of candy canes.
Jason quickly turned that glared on Dick. “Really? Candy canes? I’m not fucking Santa Claus.”
Dick cackled gleefully. “I should hope not! Mrs. Claus would be pretty upset. Both you and Santa would be on the naughty list. For life.”
Jason rolled his eyes. “We’re adults. We’re all on the naughty list.”
Dick chuckled, but he sobered quickly and nodded toward the candy canes. “I know you’re trying to quit smoking,” he said seriously. “And what sort of older brother would I be if I didn’t help you?”
There was an awkward silence as they both remembered times Dick hadn’t helped him. Some of those times weren’t Dick’s fault – like when Jason had been killed by the Joker. Some of those times were Dick’s fault – like when he chose Bruce over Jason in a fight. Which had been pretty much every time they met up. Until recently.
Dick cleared his throat awkwardly. “I asked Judy if she could put them in here for us. She asked if we wanted the interior of the car decorated for Christmas, too, but I told her no.” His eyes darted over to Jason, a cheesy grin on his face. “Figured that would be a hard pass for you.”
Jason scowled as he took a candy cane and fidgeted with the wrapper. He wasn’t going to eat it. It was just…loose. And he was bored. And then the curved portion broke, and he thought he might as well unwrap it. Ok, it did kind of feel like a cigarette. A sticky one, but…
With a sigh, Jason popped the candy cane into his mouth. It probably wouldn’t hit the spot like a cigarette, but it was better than nothing.
Besides, it was nice that Dick was trying to help him. Jason was trying really hard to turn over a new leaf. Or, rather, several new leaves. One was not smoking. He really didn’t want the health risks involved. The other was doing more shit with the family.
He was still uncertain about this whole family thing. But now that the Outlaws had all gone their separate ways,[1] he was kind of at a loss on what to do. He’d gotten used to being part of a team. Granted, he didn’t necessarily want to be a team with his family all the time. But he was trying to say yes more than he said no, and when Dick had asked him to go “surprise” Damien at the Kent’s farmhouse…well, Jason had said yes. Which had actually surprised both him and Dick.
But it shouldn’t be too bad. Just collect Damien and be back in Gotham for Christmas lunch. Well, knowing the Kents, they’d probably have breakfast with Ma, Pa, Clark, Lois, and Jon. Probably watch Jon and Damien open presents. Bear witness to a perfect family having their perfect Christmas. And then they’d head back to Gotham for Christmas with Bruce, Alfred, and the rest of their dysfunctional “family.”
Ok, so it wasn’t going to be great. Clearly, he hadn’t thought it all the way through. But out of everyone in the “family,” Dick was actually trying the hardest to reach out to him. And Jason appreciated that. He really did. He just…didn’t know how to show it.
Dick began fiddling with the radio. “Christmas music?”
Jason leaned back against the seat with a sigh. “Whatever.”
Dick laughed. “You mean, ba humbug?”
“I’m a Grinch, not a Scrooge,” Jason muttered.
“What’s the difference?” Dick asked.
“The Grinch just gets annoyed by people,” Jason said, rolling the candy cane around to the other side of his mouth. “Scrooge actively hates them and wants them to suffer. He supports prisons and workhouses and shi-.”
“-ingles!” Dick shouted over him.
Jason rolled his eyes. “Dude, it’s just us!”
“And soon, we’ll be at the Kent’s house,” Dick said. “We’ll be having breakfast with them and everything. You should start practicing not cursing now.”
“I’m sure they’ve heard cussing before,” Jason muttered. After all, they’d met Damien. The kid knew curse words in about fifty different languages.
Dick chuckled. “You’ve never had Ma Kent look at you with deep disappointment in her eyes and say, ‘oh honey, none of that now.’”
Jason scowled. Dick was right. He hadn’t. And he wasn’t sure he wanted to, either.
“Careful,” Dick said cheerfully. “You’re beginning to look like B.”
Jason sucked on his candy cane rather than respond. By “B” Dick meant Bruce…but Jason always called Bizarro “B.” Ironically, Bizarro was usually smiling; Bruce was usually scowling.
Of the two, Jason definitely wanted to be more like Bizarro. The guy might be a failed, reverse clone of Superman, and he might have a little bit of a temper problem. But he still had that Superman heart of gold. Yeah. He’d be like Bizarro…
Jason tried to smile, and quickly stopped, grateful that the darkness had hidden his attempt. It felt like a grimace. Which was weird, because he did know how to smile. He smiled a lot with Bizarro and Artemis and Roy…
Just not around his family. Or strangers. And he’d been around those exclusively lately. That’s why it felt weird. Not because he was like Bruce. He definitely was not like Bruce. It’s why he used guns, for God’s sake.
Shit. Was he like Bruce?!?
Dick kept changing radio stations until he found one he liked. Then he belted out every song he knew – and some he clearly didn’t know. Jason looked out the window as the “city,” which was really no more than a handful of housing developments, gave way to fields.
And then, the tell-tale notes of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” came on.
Jason quickly blurted out the first question that came to his mind. “Why did we come so early again?” Originally, Bruce had asked them to go Christmas morning. But Dick had bumped it to Christmas Eve night, and Jason was still a little fuzzy on why.
Dick, who had opened his mouth wide to start singing, gave him a side-eyed look. Clearly, he knew exactly why Jason had started the conversation just then. But rather than be contrary and continue to sing, Dick turned the music down.
Dick shrugged. “I figured it would be fun for us to surprise him.”
Jason snorted. “Damien was trained by ninja assassins for the first ten years of his life. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like surprises.”
“Which is why we need to give him a good surprise for a change!” Dick said with a grin.
Jason looked askance at Dick. Something felt off. “What aren’t you telling me?”
Dick scoffed indignantly – a telltale sign he was hiding something. “What could I possibly be keeping from you? Besides,” he said quickly. “I think we need some brother bonding time that isn’t part of a mission.”
Jason rolled the candy cane around in his mouth. Dick had a point. Most of their interactions were on missions. And tensions usually ran high during those. And invariably, Jason and Bruce would argue.
Jason sighed. “Fine. But I brought all my Red Hood shi-”
“-INGLES!” Dick shouted.
Jason scowled at him. He wanted to punch him in the arm, but figured that was too dangerous. Granted, there was no one else on the road, but still. Probably best not to punch the guy driving.
“I’m not saying shingles!” Jason said. “It makes it sound like I have shingles!”
Dick laughed. “I meant roof shingles. You know…because Santa stops on the roof?” He gave Jason a cheesy grin. Jason blinked slowly, giving him his best I’m-not-impressed look.
Dick sighed, but there was still a smile on his face. “Fine, fine. How about…shining stars? Shepherds? Shi…shi…ships!” Dick’s grin grew even wider, and he sang the first verse of “I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In.”
Jason shook his head. In all honesty, shingles was the best substitute. “Can’t I just say shitake mushrooms or something?” he asked, trying to drown out Dick’s singing.
Dick gave an exaggerated sigh. “That’s not very Christmasy of you.”
Jason shook his head. He didn’t feel very Christmasy. In fact, he didn’t think he’d ever felt Christmasy. Even when he’d been Robin. Alfred had tried his best to give him warm and fuzzy Christmas memories, but they hadn’t stuck. Probably because he’d been a teenager. And teenage boys were many things, but they definitely weren’t warm and fuzzy.
At least, teenage boys from Gotham weren’t. But as Jason looked out the window at field after field of snow, he began to wonder if maybe Smallville teens were different. How could you not have warm, fuzzy feelings this time of year when you were in a cozy home with family who loved you?
Jon had that. Dick, too, before Bruce took him in. Actually, now that Jason thought on it, pretty much everyone in the family had warm Christmas memories because they’d had parents who loved them. Even Bruce!
Ok, maybe Damien didn’t have a warm, happy family life. Talia and Bruce weren’t exactly the warm, happy types. Which was probably why he’d opted to be with the Kents on Christmas Eve.
But Jason hadn’t had the option to escape to a friend’s house. He hadn’t even had a happy family life before Bruce. He’d-
Jason forcefully pushed those thoughts away. He didn’t want to think of the ghosts of Christmases past. That would make him more like Scrooge than he cared to admit.
Dick had gone back to belting out music, but Jason was pretty sure he’d talk if they could think of something to talk about. Dick was really trying. Maybe Jason should try, too. Especially because he wanted to escape his thoughts.
He sucked on his candy cane, casting about for some topic of conversation. “So…you dating Barbara still?” he finally asked.
Dick gave him a side-eyed glance. “You dating Artemis?”
Jason snorted. “Ok, so if girls aren’t a good topic, what is?”
“Favorite Christmas song?” Dick asked.
Jason rolled his eyes. “Dude!”
Dick laughed. “Oh, right. You’re a Grinch. How about…” He grinned as a thought struck him. “What’s the number one thing that Bruce does to annoy you?”
Jason snorted. “Can I give you top five?”
They ragged on Bruce for a bit – which actually led to them swapping funny stories back and forth. It wasn’t long until they were genuinely laughing together, and having…fun. He was actually having fun. On Christmas Eve. Go figure.
Before he knew it, they were pulling up to the Kent’s farmhouse. Dick put the truck in park – and grinned over at Jason. “Ready for some Christmas magic?”
Jason gave Dick a bland look. He knew Dick had been up to something.
Dick chuckled. “Ok, so I was going to have us pretend to be Santa up on the roof. Give them a few presents that I know they’ve been wanting and they weren’t able to get.”
Jason arched a brow. “How were you able to get them?”
Dick smirked. “Bruce is a billionaire, remember? Anyway, I still want to do that. But if you’d rather just stand guard, you can.”
Jason looked at him like he’d lost his damn mind. Because clearly, he had. “Jon’s a Super. He can literally scan the roof and see it’s us. Clark, too.”
Dick grinned. “I talked to Lois. She said Clark trained Jon to tune out extra noises on Christmas to ‘keep Santa’s privacy.’ But Jon confessed to her last Christmas that he does listen for stomping on the roof – but only stomping, and then he tunes the rest out.”
His smile faltered a little. “Actually, he only confessed that because he’s never heard Santa, and he’s beginning to not believe.”
Jason frowned. “So you’re plan is to lie to him for another year?”
His tone was probably harsher than he’d intended, because Dick’s face fell.
“I mean…” Jason licked his lips, tasting the peppermint from the candy cane that was long gone. Shit. How could he fix this? “He’s getting too old to believe, isn’t he?”
Dick shrugged. “He’s eleven. I think I stopped believing around then.” Dick’s smile slipped. “Then again, that was the first Christmas after my parents died. And Bruce kinda just…told me. I don’t know how long I would have believed if they’d lived.” Dick quirked a brow. “What about you? How old were you when you stopped believing?”
Jason looked out the window at the farmhouse. “Five.” Technically, he’d given Santa one last shot when he was nine. But it had been a skeptical, desperate shot. And Santa had failed.
Dick gasped beside him, and Jason turned back to him.
“Five?!?” Dick asked, his eyes wide. “That’s really young!”
Jason shrugged. “Well, when Santa can’t even manage to give you two matchbox cars to race each other with, you kinda lose the will to believe.”
Dick’s eyes softened, and Jason looked away again. He hated seeing pity in people’s faces. His life was what it was. There was no sense being upset about it.
Even though he usually was upset about it.
Dick cleared his throat, and Jason looked back at him to see a look of determination on his face. “Our parents failed us,” Dick said. “Or, parental figure, in my case. So, we owe it to Jon to make this the most magical Christmas ever before!”
There was a tightness in Jason’s chest as he looked back at the farmhouse. It was probably his heart growing three sizes or some shit like that.
But how could he not feel that way? He’d met Jon a few times. Even at eleven, the kid still had the biggest, most innocent eyes Jason had ever seen. And a big smile and even bigger heart. If anyone deserved to believe in the magic of Santa Claus, it was Jon.
Jason sighed. “Fine. Let’s do this.”
Dick grinned. “Knew you’d come around!”
Jason quirked a brow. “Really? Cuz I didn’t.”
Dick chuckled as they got out of the car and went around to the truck bed. “Glad you brought your gear, though,” Dick said quietly. “I had extra stuff for you, but I know you’ll feel more comfortable with your own.”
Jason eyed the Kent farmhouse as they got out their grappling guns. “So, did Lois tell Clark? Or are we going to have a startled Superman on our hands?”
Dick chuckled as he rifled through his bags and pulled out some gifts. “Apparently, Clark still tunes out everything on Christmas Eve. Which was a big deal Jon’s first Christmas. Jon was only six months old, and Clark didn’t get up when it was his turn with the baby because he didn’t hear Jon crying. Lois still sounded annoyed by it.”
Jason frowned. “Wait…how often do babies get up in the night that they had to take turns?”
Dick shrugged. “No clue.” He smirked at Jason as he pulled out an actual sack to put the gifts in. “Why? Thinking of having kids?”
“Absolutely not,” Jason said.
“Because you hate them?” Dick said. “Like the Grinch?”
“I don’t hate kids,” Jason said. He was quiet for a moment as he watched Dick put the last few gifts inside. “I don’t have any opinion on them actually. They just…exist. And are a liability if they get in the way on a mission.”
Dick chuckled as he hoisted the bag over his shoulder. “Said like a true Grinch.” He struck a power pose, one hand holding the bag and one at his waist. “How do I look?”
Jason snorted. “Almost like Santa. You just need a-”
Dick grinned and whipped out two Santa hats from behind his back. Jason instinctively caught the Santa hat Dick tossed his way.
“Hat,” Jason finished with a sigh.
Dick grinned as they put on their hats. “Gotta say. We make a couple of sexy Santas!”
Jason snorted as they walked toward the house. “Too bad there’s no sexy single ladies in this house.”
“Maybe the next one,” Dick said with a chuckle.
Jason wrinkled his nose. “I feel like that’s verging on creeper territory.” He frowned. “Actually, the whole Santa myth is verging on creeper territory.”
“Stop overthinking it,” Dick chided as they aimed their grappling hooks. Jason took a deep breath and adjusted his Santa hat. Within seconds, they were both on the roof, reeling in their grappling hooks.
They stood – but stopped almost instantly. Someone else was on the roof, too. They could hear him – or her – just on the other side.
Jason and Dick eyed each other. The other guy hadn’t noticed them. Yet. But Jason could tell they were both wishing they’d put on their suits…
Quietly, both Jason and Dick crept up the side and peered over the top.
The perp was a little under six feet tall, about 250-ish pounds. Give or take. Probably give, because the man was fat.
And he was wearing a Santa costume.
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, Jason thought. Was this dude actually committing crimes on Christmas Eve dressed as Santa Claus? Was he trying to traumatize kids? And the Kents, too! The nicest family in the world!
Anger boiled inside Jason. He’d had shitty Christmases all his life. He’d be damned if he allowed that same bad luck to spill into the Kents’ lives.
“Hey!” Jason shouted, popping up over the rooftop.
Santa-perp gasped – and tumbled onto the ground.
Jason’s eyes rounded, and he looked back at Dick as if to ask what to do. Dick looked just as shocked. Even though he knew it wasn’t Santa, it had still been rather disconcerting to see a Santa look-alike fall from the roof.
He and Dick quickly hopped to the other side of the roof and peered into the back yard of the farmhouse. The Santa-perp was sprawled in the snow…and wasn’t moving.
Jason shared a panicked look with Dick. “He’s probably not dead…right?” Jason asked.
Dick shook his head vehemently. “I mean…it’s only two stories! We’ve all fallen from way more than that and been fine!”
“And he fell in, like, three feet of snow.” Jason said. “He’s just…winded. Or maybe unconscious…”
“Ttt.”
Jason froze at the derisive tsk coming from behind him. Shit. This had gone from bad to worse. There was no way Damien would ever let him live this down.
Both he and Dick turned to see the little right behind them, arms crossed and glaring at them.
“I expected this from the Kents, but not from you,” Damien said with a sniff.
Jason froze and gave Dick a panicked look.
“Did we just kill Pa Kent?” Jason asked, his voice a little wild. He’d been trying not to traumatize Jon Kent, but if he’d killed the kid’s grandfather…
Dick looked uneasily down at the Santa-perp. “No. Pa is…thin…right?” He glanced at Damien to make sure.
Damien rolled his eyes. “It is not Pa.” He marched over to the edge of the roof. “I do not know who that is. But he has sophisticated cloaking technology. I did not notice him until you two idiots got on the roof.”
“Or your ninja senses failed you,” Dick said as they clambered down the side of the house.
Damien tsked. “Impossible.”
“What were you even doing up there?” Jason grumbled as they got to the ground.
Damien sighed, looking genuinely sad for a moment. “Trying to prove to Jon that Santa does not exist. He has persisted in this infantile belief long enough, and it is high time he sees reason.”
Jason nodded. He didn’t disagree…and yet…it was kinda sad. “He probably won’t thank you for ruining the magic,” Jason said.
Damien sniffed. “He will in time.”
They gathered around the Santa-perp in a semi-circle. The guy still hadn’t moved. Jason sighed. This was kind of his fault…
“Hey, buddy?” he said, nudging the guy’s boot with his toe. “You ok?”
No response. Shit.
“Now we’ll definitely have to prove that he’s not Santa,” Dick muttered. “Otherwise, this will be a very scarring Christmas for Jon.”
“It’s not Santa!” Jason snapped.
Damien sniffed. “I agree with Todd. Santa does not exist.” He hesitated. “Although he does look remarkably similar to the way I would imagine Santa to look…”
A gasp from the Kent doorway made all of them jump. There, on the back porch, stood Jon Kent. And his eyes were riveted on the definitely-not-Santa perp.
Jason’s heart sank. Shit. He could see it in the kid’s eyes. He thought it was the real Santa on the ground.
This might have just ruined Christmases for Jon forever. And it was all Jason’s fault.
[1] Since this is an AU, Bizarro is definitely not in hell or wherever he was at the end of the Outlaws run.