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I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry for everything.
Sam heard her voice in her dreams. She sounded so broken, so sad. Sam willed herself to open her eyes, to comfort the one she loved, to assure her everything was alright. But she was so tired - she could only sleep as she listened, felt her tears.
Even in the darkness, even asleep, Sam could see how she turned her back to her, shoulders and head hanging low. Why did she look so sad?
This is all my fault.
Please, if you make it through this - I’ll never let this happen to you again.
Then Lara walked away, into the darkness - into the shadows.
And never came back.
-~*~-
Sam awakened in the hospital, feeling groggy and distant… but she felt more like herself than she had in a long, long time. The haunting presence that had been next to her heart was gone. She could feel it.
Himiko was gone. For good, this time.
It took longer for Sam to rest and collect the semblances of herself, putting herself together one piece at a time. And as time passed, Sam relished the feeling of just being herself for the first time in a long, long while. But despite all the good feelings that came with waking up as herself, her heart ached as if she had just woken up from a tragic nightmare. Sam was just so glad it was over, but there was this hollowness, excruciating in a way words just couldn’t describe.
The doctors think it’s because of her self-inflicted stab wound. Her parents think it’s the emotional turmoil she went through. Sam herself thought it was because of Himiko that she felt this way, that the queen had been part of her for so long that some strange part of her actually missed her.
But it wasn’t that. It wasn’t any of that.
It was something else. Something else that caused this terrible, pyrrhic hurt.
Something to do with the box of sweets left behind.
Something she was too afraid to accept.
Sam tried to keep her hopes up, that if she stayed patient, held her name at the touch of her fingertips, maybe, she’d come by. Just be patient, she was busy or caught up in something, that’s why she wasn’t here.
But no matter how much Sam waited, Lara never showed up.
She didn’t call, she didn’t text. Hell, not even a hastily scribbled note. Like a ghost, Lara had appeared in her life, and then just left.
Sam asked about her once, to her parents, but all they did was dismiss her best friend’s existence. On the other hand, Jonah never gave her a straight answer either. The only thing he would confirm is that Lara was definitely the one who brought her to the hospital in the first place. Sam had a strong feeling that he didn’t know where Lara was either, though he definitely knew more than what he let on.
Her parents set her up with a psychologist, a nice man, who was kind and understanding.
The psychologist asked her how she felt, and if she was doing okay, telling her how strong she was for making it this far. Sam liked him, he reminded her of a mix of Jonah’s gentleness and understanding, and Kaz’s confidence and strength.
He was good… but he wasn’t the person that Sam wanted.
“I hope you don’t mind me presuming, but it feels like you’re waiting for someone,” the psychologist told her one day, during one of their sessions. When she didn’t answer right away, he continued. “A friend? Or a partner, perhaps?”
“Yeah,” Sam replied, not confirming either. She was glad the psychologist didn’t ask to specify. He could tell she didn’t want to right now. “She’s… somewhere, I guess. She… well, I don’t think she can visit me right now.”
“You miss her,” the psychologist noted sympathetically. Not exactly a hard deduction to make.
Sam swallowed thickly, and just nodded.
The psychologist continued to poke and prod at her feelings, getting her to talk about her feelings regarding Lara’s absence. They helped… a little. It was nice to talk it out with someone who was so willing to listen, but it didn’t bring Lara back.
As she slowly neared full recovery, it began to dawn on her, that Lara might never come back to her. That box of precious Jaffa cakes would be the last memory.
The idea was so distressing. It was like someone cut open her chest and stole a piece of her still beating heart, an ache so empty it made Sam feel sick. She didn’t want to accept a reality where Lara was gone.
So some part of her held on, hoped, hoped that one day she’d wake up and find Lara beside her again, a tight hug, and flowers and all that.
But no such thing. No such thing.
All she had were half-baked dreams of a ghost gone by.
Looking out the window of her sterile white hospital room, onto the busy street where people plodded aimlessly across the sidewalk like ants, Sam felt like she could hear her voice, like… like she was still right there.
‘Somewhere,’ the voice murmured. ‘Somewhere far, somewhere beautiful…’ Whispering like she was divulging a terrible, tragic secret.
It crushed Sam on the inside.
As reality set in, Sam knew that she had to continue the last steps of her recovery alone. Well, not completely alone. Her parents were there, and Jonah and Kaz visited as much as they could. They were nice, sure, but it wasn’t the person, the presence she longed for.
Eventually, Sam was able to take her first steps out of the hospital, fully healed from her injuries.
Her parents begged her to come back with them, back to America, but Sam was homesick. She wanted to go home, to that little apartment she had shared with one of the most important people in her life. Sam was honestly surprised that her parents kept up with the payments there, they must’ve known that she’d want to return there eventually. It was humbling in a way. Sam hugged them farewell and off she went, home.
Even though somewhere deep inside, Sam knew that the home she was looking for wasn’t there anymore.
Sam wasn’t sure what she was expecting when she returned to the apartment - their apartment.
A teensy, tiny part of her hoped that she would be there, sitting on that couch with her cup of tea. She would’ve smiled at her as she welcomed her home. Like she always had when she came back from wherever.
‘Sam! It’s so good to see you again!’ she would’ve said. Maybe, she’d give her a hug.
But no such thing. No such thing.
There was no one welcoming her home. Instead, there was just this horrible feeling of darkness and loneliness.
The apartment was empty.
Sam didn’t say anything as she let the bags she was carrying slide to the ground, disturbing the dust that caked the floor; who knows when the last time any of them mopped and swept the floor. Her mind decidedly blocked the memories, too heartbroken to think about when that last time even was.
“Maybe, this is a bad dream,” she said to herself.
‘Oh, don’t be silly, Sam.’
It felt lonely to hear no witty reply back.
Approaching a nearby cabinet, Sam was surprised to see that the books were still there - Lara’s books. Some of them were missing, probably somewhere around the apartment maybe, or did she take it with her? Old, dusty indents were all that were left behind, the only evidence that something had been there.
In a sudden righteous fury, Sam began stomping around the apartment, opening drawers, cupboards, shelves, anything that had anything on it, Sam wanted to tear it apart. She had no idea what she was really looking for, but every which way she looked, nothing was to be found.
She finally closed in on what would’ve been Lara’s door. She felt her eyes grow heavy as she gripped the doorknob tight, memories of a past life flashing through her mind.
Sam opened the door.
And found no one inside.
Lara’s things had mostly been cleared out, but not everything. There were some clothes still hanging in the closet, the bed was a little messy, like someone had recently slept on it. There were even some framed pictures on her desk. Sam took a step towards it, picking up one of the abandoned frames.
It was of her and Lara, on one of their many trips together. This was one of Lara’s favorite memories, she had framed it for that exact reason. But now it sat here, abandoned.
Like she was.
Sam’s lips quivered as she placed the frame back on the desk as the reality caught up to her.
Lara had really left. For good.
-~*~-
Continuing life was… surprisingly easy. Sam had always fancied herself a great writer, a great reporter; she snagged a few gigs here and there with some news stations and journal sites. She was already pretty loaded, so it wasn’t like she really needed the money, but she needed something to do, to take her mind off things.
She even managed to reconnect with some of her college friends, who asked her out to party like she used to. It was fun, even if it felt like she was missing a part of herself.
Sam also kept in touch with Jonah. The updates from him were near and far between sometimes, but that was because she found out that he was tagging along on Lara’s adventures. Some part of her felt jealous, envious that Jonah was doing something she wasn’t, but she told herself, as long as Lara was alright, she was too.
It was one day, maybe a week after she had wished Jonah a happy birthday, that he messaged her something… strange.
‘Would you like to see her?’ Jonah had texted her. And there was a picture attached.
Sam had been eating her breakfast when she saw the text and froze. She looked at the attachment in both excitement and dread. It’s… It’s been so long. It’s been years. But her excitement got the better of her, and she opened up the attachment.
It was Lara, a candid photo, Jonah must’ve taken it without Lara’s knowledge. Lara wasn’t smiling, she was studying something seriously in her right hand, a book; a water bottle clutched in her other hand.
It was such a familiar sight, but so unfamiliar, at the same time.
Sam thought Lara was burned into her mind. They had been so close, ‘joined at the hip’, ‘peas in a pod’, ‘cut from the same cloth’, people would say. She thought she knew every single part of her of what made Lara, Lara. But when she looked at the woman in this photo, it didn’t look like the dear, sweet Lara from their college days.
Lara had grown since the last time she’s seen her. Not so much height-wise, but decidedly more mature, muscular. There was this sharpness and dullness in her eyes, a look that gave off the feeling that she aged centuries. Even though her expression was unreadable, Sam still knew her well enough to know that she seemed to be falling apart, stressed, like the whole world was on her shoulders.
It was a beautiful picture, honestly, if not so suffocatingly sad. It reminded Sam of those classical Renaissance paintings, beautiful but tragic.
Was that really her? Was that really her Lara…?
Sam was acting on her instincts, if anything. She went directly to her contacts, looked for her name, and called her.
The echoes of the beeps of the phone seemed to reverberate throughout the apartment.
She was hopeful, fearful that she would pick up. But as the beeps continued, Sam realized that she wasn’t going to. With a shaky sigh, Sam canceled the call and placed her phone back down on the table. Suddenly, she wasn’t very hungry for breakfast anymore.
Lara never returned her call, but her updates from Jonah said she was still alive and doing ‘okay’, though Sam could read in-between the lines. Lara was okay, but not okay. Jonah seemed worried about her, and kept implying that a call from her might mean the world.
But if she didn’t pick up, what was the point?
Maybe Sam was a little angry. Maybe she was scared.
Either way, it felt like Lara had changed into someone else in her time away. And that part of her was worried, scared that she had been left behind.
Sam tried to focus on her work.
It was some time later that Sam noticed something weird happening outside. She had been in the kitchen, getting a glass of water, when her eye caught something weird in the window. Sam had to double back, rub her eyes, and blink.
“A solar eclipse?” Sam muttered, unable to believe what she was seeing.
A sense of urgency overcame her as she dropped her glass into the kitchen sink and ran to get her camera, the one with the Mylar film lens (so it wouldn’t get damaged by the eclipse) and sunglasses. She rushed out the door and down the stairs, onto the street, where many people had come out to gawk at the sudden appearance of the eclipse.
As she held up the camera to the eclipse, snapping a few pictures, there was a sudden tightness in her chest. Confused, Sam lowered her camera, placing her hand to the chest. Was she having a heart attack? No… she was… scared, so sad - it was like her heart was being ripped in two.
Before Sam could start to contextualize the feelings, the world around her began to brighten and instinctively Sam looked back up at the sky, to see the sun shining as it always did. The eclipse was over, almost as soon as it began.
She opened her mouth, letting out a shaky breath. It couldn’t be… “... Lara?”
There was no evidence, no correlation with this out-of-season eclipse and her best friend. But deep down, Sam knew it had to be. She didn’t know how she knew, or why, but whatever just happened to the sun, Lara had to have a hand in it.
“Out there, saving the world, huh?” Sam chuckled, shaking her head to herself.
It was like a veil had been pulled from over her eyes. Lara… she was still doing all she could out there, somewhere. She was still being a hero, like she had been to her on Yamatai.
And that… was comforting.
Sam looked up at the sun again, the moon disappearing into the distance. A waning shadow, just like Lara was. She smiled.
No ‘never’, not ‘not ever’, she’ll come back, Sam was sure of it.
Until then, she would be waiting.
-~*~-
Everything hurt, everything happened so fast… By the time Sam knew she had been kidnapped, she was already in cuffs, tied to a chair in who knows where. It hurt so much that all Sam could do, sit there with her eyes closed, trying to stave off the dizziness.
In the haze of her nausea, Sam barely noticed the sounds of gunfire and fighting around her. The next thing she knew, she was opening her eyes to see…
Lara…!
And this wasn’t the same Lara she had seen in that photo from Jonah. This was… a different Lara, Sam could see it in her eyes. A Lara that had taken a deep breath for herself, no longer like the world was on her shoulders. This was how Lara was meant to be, adventurous, free, and maybe a little worried for her.
The same one Sam fell in love with.
A feeling like no other washed over her as she let herself rest in her friend’s arms, who brought her in that warm hug.
“Yes, I’ve got you,” Lara’s shaky voice told her, holding her tight. It sounded so sweet to her ears.
Sam could only chuckle, relieved. “I knew…” she murmured fondly, her eyes fluttering close. “... you’d come …”