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Good god, im so in love with him Todd Anderson had many wishes: being good enough for his parents, being brave enough to say what he felt, feeling truly alive.But his biggest wish had always been not to be shy. At least, that’s what he told himself. Even though, in truth, he wasn’t just shy. He was anxious about every social interaction.
It got better when he came to Welton, but he was still who he had always been: an introvert who got nervous even saying his own name. Many times, he had looked at his friend Charlie Dalton and felt so jealous that he would tell himself, You are such an idiot. That’s not how you should think about your friend. He looked at Richard Cameron and thought, That’s who my parents want me to be.That wasn’t even true. His parents wanted him to be the spitting image of his brother Jeffrey.
Seeing Knox actually drove him insane. Knox was brave enough to confess his love to Chris. God, not even in his wildest dreams would Todd have the courage to do something like that. “I will never be able to have a friendship like that,” he thought while watching Meeks and Pitts dance to the music coming from their radio.
You could definitely say Todd was a jealous person.
No matter how hard he tried to repress his thoughts, he couldn’t stop himself from being filled with envy. But all that was nothing compared to the way he thought about his roommate, Neil Perry. Neil Perry was a tall, brown-haired boy, with deer-like eyes and a gentle smile.
Not just that he was Todd’s best friend — he also was Lacy. For those of you who don’t know what that is, a Lacy is an idealized figure representing your own insecurities. Lacy is not just pretty.
A Lacy is about admiring someone but also being jealous. A Lacy haunts you. Being someone’s Lacy is never a good thing. So Todd always kept it a secret.
No one should know that every time he looked at Neil, he felt resentful that Neil seemed so… fearless. He didn’t really begrudge Neil his courage, but he wished he had it too. When Todd watched Neil speak, a twist of jealousy coiled in his stomach. He wished, just once, he could be that brave.
Even though Neil was Todd’s favorite person in the world, he had to admit that standing next to Neil was like standing next to the sun and realizing he would always be a shadow. And he would never shine as bright as the sun. Even if one day he might become the moon or maybe a star in a starry night, he would never be kind-hearted or encouraging to other people, because he was the one who needed people like Neil Perry.
Well, at first he thought he was just jealous. But that was not the whole reason why he literally couldn’t stop thinking about Neil. Todd told himself, “I just really want to be like him.” Maybe he tried to gaslight himself into believing that.
But being incredibly jealous does not include getting extremely tense in the changing room, or feeling your heart pounding loudly when your roommate enters the dorm. Being jealous does not mean wanting to be near someone all the time, especially when you normally need a lot of alone time.
It seemed silly to Todd. He felt so much envy toward Neil that he started to actually long for him. He needed to be near Neil. He needed Neil to tell him that they were best friends. He needed to know that Neil really liked him. It was at that point that Todd realized he was madly in love with his roommate, Neil Perry.
Todd was sitting at a table in the study hall with his friends and his notebook. Steven Meeks, his very close friend and the only one who knew about Neil, was sitting next to Todd and tried to clean his glasses with his sleeve. “I don’t get it,” Knox Overstreet groaned and laid his head in his hands. “Just replace x with the number,” Cameron explained, putting his pen behind his ear.
Todd never really liked Cameron. He was scared of him. Cameron was not an evil person or anything — Todd simply found Cameron too direct. When Todd had his first day at Welton, the first thing he heard Cameron saying was that Todd looked like a stiff.
Neil told him, “Listen, don’t mind Cameron.”
But for Todd it wasn’t that easy. He never really understood why Neil always tried to include Cameron in everything. It was just the way Neil was. He cared about other people. Neil was always thinking about others.
Charlie rolled his eyes. “No one asked for your help, Cameron,” he said, and a little smirk reached Todd’s face.
“You could use my help, Dalton,” Cameron replied, and you could see that he was tired of Charlie.
They were roommates as well, but they definitely did not get along as well as Neil and Todd do. Cameron and Charlie had a discussion about the fact that Charlie was always way too offensive. Todd yawned and kind of spaced out.
He thought about a letter he had received that morning. His brother Jeffrey was finally going to be a lawyer. He thought that his parents would definitely be angry if he didn’t reply, but he didn’t even know what to write.
You all are making me feel worthless, and I really appreciate the fact that you sent me this letter just to show me how disappointed you are that I will never be as great as Jeffrey. Love, Todd.
He couldn’t think of a different way to reply to that letter. “I am so pathetic,” he thought. Instead of being sad because his parents thought he was a disappointment, he should work on himself and prove to them that he wasn’t.
He was snapped out of his thoughts when someone flicked his face. It was Neil. “You spaced out. Are you tired?” Neil asked, and the sound of his voice immediately made Todd calm down.
Neil’s voice had a special power. It sounds weird, but it’s true — Neil just had to say one word, or let out a little cough or groan, and Todd’s hands would stop shaking within a minute.
“Huh, yeah. Just tired. I’ll probably go to our room in a few minutes,” Todd replied, acting like he was writing something down
. „I’ll come with you. I can’t listen to those two anymore,” Neil said and pointed his finger at Charlie and Cameron. Todd couldn’t help but smile. They packed their things and pushed their chairs back to the table.
“Neil! You still owe me a packet of biscuits!” Pitts called out.
“Yeah, I know, Pittsie. I promise I’ll give them to you this week. We don’t have any in our dorm right now,” Neil replied and smiled at Pitts.
Todd stared at Neil. That wasn’t the truth. They always had at least three packets of biscuits in their closet. Todd and Neil had shared them every evening since Todd came to Welton. It was a routine. A tradition. Todd gave a timid smile, and Neil winked at him. He felt his head spin. God, I can’t do that. Todd looked down at his shoes.
As soon as they walked away from the table, they heard Meeks saying, “You know that they always have biscuits? Always.” Todd wasn’t sure what Pitts replied. Neil nudged him with his elbow and laughed. Todd turned red but started laughing as well.
“Did you even do any homework?” Neil wanted to know.
Todd shook his head. “So you were writing in your notebook. You could’ve done that in our dorm as well. You hate rooms with many people,” Neil said. Sometimes Todd thought it was scary how well Neil knew him. But on the other hand, he really liked it. Every time Neil remembered something small about him, he felt his heart light up.
„I just wanted to. You know, I like my friends“, Todd said.
I wanted to, because I wanted to be near you.
Neil just nodded and opened the door to their dorm. Todd immediately opened their closet and pulled out a packet of biscuits. „We only have one packet left“, he mumbled while looking around the room, like he was hoping that he would find another packet.
„See. I wasn’t lying. How could I possibly give Pitts those biscuits and break our tradition?“, Neil smiled and sat down on his bed.
„You’ll have to break it tomorrow. We can’t go in to town tomorrow. We already went three times this week. You know Hager wont let us“, Todd said sitting down next to Neil and opening the biscuits.
„Well, I guess its good that you’re Keating’s favourite Student. Or favourite person on earth. Except maybe his wife“, Neil crossed his arms and smiled at Todd who was blushing now. „That’s n-not true“, he fiddled with his sweater.
„Oh, yes it is. He pushes all of us. But especially you. He loves you. He sees your talent. Like everyone else“, Neil went on and Todd felt the heat on his face but he honestly felt flattered. And deep inside he knew that it was true. Keating really saw him.
But so did Neil. He never pushed Todd (like their teacher did). It was more of inviting Todd. Maybe he actually did learn that from Keating. Todd couldn’t remember when Neil started doing that. Maybe from the moment they shook each other’s hands for the first time. And Todd loved that. Neil never forced Todd. You could say he gently challenged Todd and that was what he needed. Without knowing it. Neil just cared without making it seem pity.
“I don’t think he will let us go. Because I won’t ask. I already asked him twice this week,” Todd said, opening the packet and settling down next to Neil.
“So? Ask him again. Trust me, Todd, he won’t say no. He can’t, because he loves you,” Neil tried to cheer him up, but Todd wasn’t so sure. He smiled at those kind words, though.
“First of all, it’s embarrassing to ask. And second of all, we have a meeting tomorrow anyway, so…” He looked at Neil and his stupidly perfect hair. His cowlick and the calming shade of brown. God, Neil’s hair might be the best part about him. Except for his eyes and his charming smile and his pale skin and the mole right above his mouth and obviously his character and his—
“Well, that’s an argument. Are you currently working on something?” Neil asked and turned his head to look at Todd. His gaze was so focused on him that Todd could only pray Neil wouldn’t notice how much he was blushing, because he could feel the heat rising in his cheeks.
Yes. Actually, some love poems about… you. Hey! I kind of have the biggest crush on you!
„No. Nothing. Just reading some poetry right now,” Todd lied. He was bad at lying, but if Neil noticed, he didn’t say anything about it.
He just nodded and asked, “Wanna read something? I love your choices. They’re always amazing!” Neil had to stop complimenting Todd so much. It made him want to giggle and kick his feet, but he had to stay cool.
Neil couldn’t know. Ever. He would be disgusted and would hate Todd. He would want a new roommate and tell everyone that Todd was—he couldn’t even say it in his head. So he could never, ever say that out loud.
As Todd nodded, Neil stood up to get the poetry book from Todd’s desk. He flipped through the pages and handed it back to him.
„Do you always make notes in this book? I don’t think you did that at the very beginning of the year. When we were in the library in September, we read from your book, and you didn’t make notes back then,” Neil said, and his knee touched Todd’s.
Todd was surprised that Neil had even noticed. He had started taking notes when he got more into poetry, but some of those notes weren’t meant for Neil’s eyes. Todd just shrugged. He picked a poem and read it out loud.
To My Wife
I can write no stately proem
As a prelude to my lay;
From a poet to a poem
I would dare to say.
For if of these fallen petals
One to you seem fair,
Love will waft it till it settles
On your hair.
And when wind and winter harden
All the loveless land,
It will whisper of the garden.
You will understand.
Oscar Wilde
Todd never would have read out loud a couple of months ago. He still didn’t like it—but with Neil, it was fine. He made him feel safe and comfortable. He loved Neil. And he did it with his hole heart. But still he thought: „I wish I wouldn’t“, as Neil laid his head on Todd’s shoulder and Todd could feel him breathing.