Chapter Text
Jenson Button created a group chat
Jenson Button renamed group chat to Floor 7 😝🏳️🌈😼
Floor 7 😝🏳️🌈😼 - 11:13 A.M.
Jenson Button: Hey guys!
Floor 7 😝🏳️🌈😼 - 1:30 P.M.
Lewis Hamilton: Hello?
Jenson Button: Oh thank god I thought I was talking to a brick wall
Lewis Hamilton: Nah man, it's all good
Lewis Hamilton: Who are you?
Jenson Button: Ahh, shit, sorry
Jenson Button renamed Jenson Button to JB
JB: Jenson Button, recent resident of Floor 7
JB: And you must be my fellow Brit, Lewis Hamilton, no?
Lewis Hamilton: Oh, yea
JB: Perfect! I just made a chat of everybody I vaguely know on this floor
Lewis Hamilton: How'd you get my number then?
JB: Britney
Lewis Hamilton: ...I don't think I know a Britney?
JB: ...Errr
Britney: Jenson Button I stg
JB: Oh, nico, my beloved!
Britney: This is a terrible idea
Lewis Hamilton: Britney as in Nico Rosberg!??!!
Britney: The one, the only
JB: Oh god, day one and the beef has begun
Sebastian Vettel: ...Hola?
JB: HOLA TU HABLO INGLES?
Sebastian Vettel: ...
Britney: Jenson, your spanish is incorrect
JB: Fuck off
Sebastian Vettel: Yes I speak english, I'm not even spanish
Sebastian Vettel: That's Nando
JB: Is that the short angry guy with the mullet
Britney: Oh, I think i saw that guy moving in
Sebastian Vettel: How did you know
JB: wait who tf are you
Sebastian Vettel: Sebastian Vettel
Sebastian Vettel: You can call me Seb tho
JB: Perffff
Jenson Button renamed Sebastian Vettel to Seb
JB: I'm meeting so many new friends 🥺
Britney: We aren't friends
JB: BRITNEY MY LOVE
JB: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME
Seb: Is it awkward if I ask who you guys are
JB: I keep forgetting I hold infinite knowledge
JB: I'm Jenson Button
JB: Britney is my beloved Nico
Britney: jump
JB: And Lewis Hamilton is my fellow Brit
Lewis Hamilton: Are you the short blond guy who tripped over his own feet and dropped all of his shit a couple hours ago? @Seb
Seb: OH MEIN GOTT STOP YOU SAW THAT?
Mark Webber: Sebastian, what are you doing
JB: OI
JB: LURKER
Mark Webber: I was never here
Fernando Alonso: What tf is this
Mark Webber: Oh hey Fernando
Fernando Alonso: Hola Webber
JB: GASP
JB: UR THE GUY
JB: HOLA YO HABLAS INGLES?
Britney: Still wrong Jenson
JB: DAMNIT
Mark Webber: Oh btw Nando they called you the "short angry guy with the mullet"
Fernando Alonso: OI
JB renamed Fernando Alonso to Nando
JB: @Mark Webber HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN LURKING
Britney: @Mark Webber who is 'they called you' 🤨
Mark Webber: Britney's right, it was Button
JB: KYS
Nando: Who is everyone
JB: Okay, this is the FINAL time I'm explaining this shit
JB: I'm the lovable handsome British guy rooming with the one and only Britney
JB: Also known as Nico Rosberg
JB: who is a blond freaking german diva
Seb: Yo! Twin!
Britney: Slander
JB: Lewis is my fellow countryman except he's bald
JB: Seb is the not spanish one who dropped all his stuff and ate shit a couple hours ago
Seb: STOP IT. SLANDER
Lewis Hamilton: I'M NOT BALD ITS A BUZZCUT
JB: Mark Webber is the Australian guy I think
JB: With the hella good cheekbones
Mark Webber: Hey thanks mate!
JB: and Fernando is the short actually Spanish one
Nando: Slander
Nando: You also forgot Kimi
Nando: for shame
JB: dude idk who that even is
Nando: you added him to the groupchat
JB: I did?
Seb: I mean, there is another random number
Britney: Jenson, you moron
JB: Bae, this hatred is unappreciated right now, did I invite some serial killer to my beloved Floor 7 group chat on accident?
Mark Webber: Nahhh I met Kimi last week, he's chill
Mark Webber: very nonchalant
JB: IS HE EVEN ON FLOOR SEVEN
Seb: Jenson calm down it's not that deep
Nando: He's on floor nine
JB: NO!
JB: MY BEAUTIFUL GROUP CHAT
JB: DESTROYED BY THIS KIMI GUY
Kimi Raikkonen: my bad
JB: OMG ARE YOU THE KIMI MAYBE SERIAL KILLER
Kimi Raikkonen: sure
Mark Webber: told 'ya he was chill
Seb: Hi Kimi!
Kimi Raikkonen: do I know you
JB: OUCH.
JB: ICE COLD
JB renamed Kimi Raikkonen to Iceman
Seb: Leave me alone, dummer wichser
JB: ...
JB: Do I wanna know what that means
Britney: nope
Nando: So.
Nando: Why are we here
JB: wdym
Nando: what is the purpose of this group chat
JB: oh
JB: errr
JB: do u want to real answer or not
Britney: he was depressed he had no friends and wanted to talk to a bunch of virtual strangers
Lewis Hamilton: That's kinda sweet, man
JB: AND COMPLETELY FALSE
JB: THIS CAME TO ME IN A CONCAINE INDUCED HALLUCINATION
Seb: cant even spell it right smh
Britney: you smoked marijuana ONCE Button then cried your eyes out for three hours over a depressing edit about penguins
JB: IT. WAS. SAD.
Mark Webber: So there isn't a purpose. I can leave
JB: NO CHISELED AUSTRALIAN MAN, DON'T GO
Nando: 🤨
Mark Webber: 🤷♀️
Seb: Anyone sensing some ✨tension✨
JB: and they were roommates?
Britney: oh god not Jenson's fanfic fanatic tendencies
Iceman: bruh
JB: He speaks yet again!
Mark Webber: If u make into into a thing everytime Kimi texts, he won't want to text at all
Mark Webber: 🙄
JB: MARK WEBBER? USING AN EMOJI? NO WAY
JB renamed Mark Webber to Aussiegrit
Aussiegrit: really
Aussiegrit: that's all ur brain could come up with?
JB: I'm tired leave me tf alone hater
Britney: it's half past one?
Seb: "Erm akshually, it's 1:42" 👆
Seb: who even says half past anything
Britney: 😒
JB: German and German violence?
JB: next step is for me and Lewis to brawl
Lewis Hamilton: wow, don't bring me into this
JB: what do we reckon, tall, beautiful Somerset man, versus tiny scrappy dude, who would win
Lewis Hamilton: I'm literally 5'9
JB: HAH
JB: I'M SIX FOOT I WIN
Lewis Hamilton: I can lift more than you
JB: nuh uh
Lewis Hamilton: let's go test that out, rn
Lewis Hamilton: there's a planet fitness two blocks away
Britney: 😮
Nando: 😧
Aussiegrit: is this the straw that broke the camels back
Seb: huh?
Seb: why is there a straw
Seb: and why is it breaking the camel's back
Aussiegrit: Like...
Aussiegrit: Just
Aussiegrit: nvm
JB: @Lewis I totally would but my stomach hurts so you'd win because my true power is being held back.
Britney: a likely story 👀
JB: you mortals doubt me now but you'll be eating your words later
Lewis Hamilton: uh huh
Iceman renamed Lewis Hamilton to SuperiorBrit
SuperiorBrit: HAH!
JB: NO SERIAL KILLER WTF
JB: WAIT WHEN DID I GIVE YOU ADMIN PRIVELAGES
Iceman: you didn't
JB: THAT'S SO CRYPTIC
Aussiegrit: and y'all claim I'm the lurker
Seb: LMFAO
Seb: Good one Kimi
Seb: Jenson how does it feel
JB: Terrible wtf I was the ORIGINAL sexy british guy then this dumb, short casanova rolls around and suddenly I'm freaking sidelined?
Britney: Casanova is wild Mr. "straight as a ruler" Button
JB: Yeah you would say that, wouldn't you Britney
Britney: Piss off
JB: only for you babe
SuperiorBrit: 🤨
JB: wait, was I the original sexy british guy?
JB: LEWY LEW, how old are YOU?
JB: omg I just rhymed
JB: bro I'm literally Doctor Suess
Nando: You act like a coked up squirrel
JB: HEY!
JB: rude actual spanish mullet guy
Nando: IT'S NOT A MULLET
SuperiorBrit: Umm. I'm 26?
JB: holy shit I'm so old
Britney: grandpa, is that you?
JB: Britney dear, you wound me
Aussiegrit: no, Jenson, you can't squirm out of this one
Aussiegrit: how old are you?
Seb: I'm guessing 59
JB: SEBASTIAN JAMES VETTEL
Seb: James?!?!?!!? wtf who gives a child the middle name James!?!?!?!!
JB: I DONT LOOK 59!
Seb: I've literally never met you before
JB: oh shit, yeah
JB: whatever I'm basically 25
Nando: somehow I don't believe you
Britney: Jenson stop lying
JB: Well 25 rounds to 30!
Seb: OMg ur so old Jenson
JB: UGHHHH
Britney: it gets worse
Britney: he's not even 30
Britney: he's 31
Seb: Are you withering away yet, Button?
JB: FUCK OFF ALL OF YOU FERNANDO YOU GERIATRIC LITTLE SHIT HOW OLD ARE YOU
Fernando: 30 🤷♀️
Fernando: I'm not ashamed
JB: FUCK ME SIDEWAYS, MARK HOW OLD ARE YOU?
Aussiegrit: ...
Aussiegrit: ...I'm not that old
JB: oh thank god I almost thought I was the eldest here
JB: wait, Mark how old are you
Aussiegrit: 34 :(
JB: HAHAHHAHA GRANDPA OVER HERE
SuperiorBrit: I didn't know I was in the presence of such elderly people
Nando: you make me feel young Mark ❤️
Aussiegrit: piss off
JB: BRO. Okay, Lewis is 26, I'm 31, Fernando is 30, Nico is 25, Mark is 34.
JB: Kimi, how old are you?
Britney: He's not gonna respond to you
JB: FREAK! I NEED THIS
Seb: Maybe like, 20 smth if I had to guess?
JB: ofc u would say that
JB: SIMP
Seb: jump off a bridge and die
Iceman: 31
JB: hey, same age twins!
JB: gonna call him grandpa now, Seb?
Seb: Halt die Klappe, du fette Rennmaus!
Britney: ouch
Britney: I see the vision tho
Seb: Ikr
JB: I hate being a single-lingual baddie
SuperiorBrit: dude I feel for you
Britney: @JB that is not a word
JB: suck it, Britney
Britney: you wish
JB: I do, every night in fact
Britney: gay
SuperiorBrit: 😧
Nando: @JB @SuperiorBrit course it's the englishmen who can't speak multiple languages
Aussiegrit: smh
JB: bro Mark
JB: ur Australian
Aussiegrit: I'm like semi-fluent in Spanish
Nando: semi-fleunt is a stretch
Aussiegrit: aww cmon, give it to me Nano :(
JB: THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID LAST NIGHT
JB: OOOOO GOTTEM
Aussiegrit: 😟
Nando: @Britney I see what you mean by fanfic tendencies
JB: piss off
JB: hey wait
JB: SEB!
JB: I TOTES FORGOT YOU EXSISTED
Seb: ouch
SuperiorBrit: damn Jenson
JB: HOW OLD ARE YOU SEBBY
JB: TELL ME RN.
Nando: watch he's secretly forty-five
Aussiegrit: and he's just a freaky little perv
Seb: okay, first of all, JB you invited me here
Seb: so even if I was 45 that wouldn't be me being a freaky little perv
Seb: because I had no choice in the matter
JB: awfully defensive there Mr. Vettel
Britney: omg are you actually 45
Seb: no wtf I'm 23
Aussiegrit: ...
JB: WTF WHY ARE YOU A CHILD
Seb: I am literally a legal adult
Iceman: no you're not
Iceman: you're a toddler
JB: HAH
JB: that's PERFECT
JB renamed Seb to Toddler
Aussiegrit: lmfaoooo
Nando: 23 is crazy that makes me feel old
Toddler: :(
Britney: @Iceman that's outrageous
Toddler: Jenson change my name back or I'll crash out
JB: hmmmmm
JB: I'm thinking
JB: HELL NAH
Toddler: JENSON ALEXANDER LYONS BUTTON
JB: WHY DO YOU KNOW MY MIDDLE NAMES
Aussiegrit: bro actually has two middle names
Britney: he's awfully presumptuous
SuperiorBrit: crazy ahh
Toddler: CHANGE MY NAME
Toddler: RN.
JB: NO! I MUST STAY STRONG
Iceman renamed Toddler to Seb
Iceman: stop being a prick
JB: K-K-Kimi :(
Seb: Thank you Kimi 🤩
Iceman: ...
Iceman: bwoah
Roomies - 4:07 P.M.
Whore: ...so are u still not talking to me
Read 4:08
Whore: dude! You were responding to me on the main chat!
Read 4:10
Whore: Are you still mad because i facilitated the ultimate Nico and Lewis reunion
Princess: No.
Whore: HE SPEAKS
Whore: also how dare you lie to my face
Princess: I don't care about Lewis
Whore: BRZTTTTT
Whore: loud incorrect buzzer
Whore: me when I lie
Princess: he's just some dumb guy from high school
Princess: who happened to move into our new apartment complex
Princess: a month after we moved in
Princess: and he's hotter than before
Whore: WOW!
Whore: YOU'VE SEEN HIM BABE?
Whore: YOU LIAR
Princess: I didn't LIE I just withheld pertinent information
Whore: pertinent shchmertinant
Whore: I need the DEETS you gaslighter
Princess: nothing happened
Princess: I went out to grab a bag of potato chips
Princess: and he was in the elevator
Princess: and we awkwardly looked at each other for a minute
Princess: before he got out
Whore: AND THEN WHAT
Princess: Then I sat that like a loser and noticed he was hotter than he was in high school WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME JENSON
Whore: DEETS BABE
Whore: DID HE LOOK AT YOU
Princess: I think he was doing everything in his active power to NOT look at me
Whore: ahh
Whore: he knew he would fall for you immediately then
Princess: Jenson
Whore: WHAT?!
Whore: He was totally jealous every time I was flirting
Whore: Scroll back up for evidence you twat.
Princess: he just sent emojis
Whore: OBJECTIVELY JEALOUS EMOJIS
Princess: sometimes I think you're more insane than I am
Whore: never darling 😘
Princess: Yeah, ur probably right
Princess: ...
Princess: do u think he could've been jealous
Whore: I mean, the real way to find out is flirting back
Princess: ...
Princess: Are you sure you have no ulterior motives
Whore: THINK ABOUT IT
Whore: If it's someone fliritng with your girl, it's annoying, but not
Whore: "That's my girl don't TOUCH HER"
Whore: BUT
Whore: If you flirt back
Whore: and make Lewis realize he's not the only option...
Whore: He could make a move on you
Princess: you're so delusional
Whore: NAH IT WILL WORK TRUST
Princess: and am I the girl in this hypothetical
Whore: already look the part sweetheart 😼
Princess: ...
Princess: are u sure u don't just want me to flirt with you
Whore: I mean it's a benefit...
Princess: BUTTON.
Whore: Look, okay, you know I think ur hot. I'm not gonna just, not appreciate the reciprocation
Whore: BUT
Whore: I do actually think this will prove Lewis is a jealous old bastard
Princess: ...fine. But if this doesn't work you owe me, Button.
Whore: Anything you want
Princess: Steakhouse dinner.
Whore: Fuck imma be broke
Princess: better hope this works then
Whore: 😬
Floor 7 😝🏳️🌈😼 - 7:30 P.M.
Seb: My mom finds it weird I'm talking to a bunch of people I've never met
Seb: and I don't even know what half of you look like
JB: awwwww you told ur mom about us 😘
Seb: she asked if I was doing anything
Seb: then I said a bunch of losers keep spamming me
Aussiegrit: losers 🤨
Aussiegrit: need I mention the incident an hour ago
Seb: don't play Mark
Seb: you know I've got dirt
JB: secrets secrets are no fun unless they're shared with everyone
Britney: what are you, five
JB: stop this blatant disrespect, my love
Britney: ...
Britney: sure thing
Britney: errr
Britney: sweetie 👍
Nando: ...
Nando: 🏳️🌈?
Seb: The communication in emojis 😭
SuperiorBrit: why are we spamming again
JB: summoned him
Britney: STFU.
Seb: oh?
JB: ANYWAYS I think we should all meet up
JB: have dinner
JB: get wasted
JB: smth like that
Nando: ur subtle, Button
JB: thanks I try
Britney: 🙄
Aussiegrit: @JB This is just an excuse to drink copious amounts of alcohol isn't it
Aussiegrit: 🤨
JB: damn Webber, way to call me out
JB: I'm an alcoholic what can I say
SuperiorBrit: wait, actually?
Britney: yes Lewis,
Britney: Resident loser/perfectionist JB
Britney: who would genuinely kill himself if there was a stain on our couch
Britney: drinks himself into a stupor every night
SuperiorBrit: damn Nico, don't shoot my head off
JB: Britney, the ✨plan✨
Britney: sorry
JB: morons these days
Britney: Excuse me?
JB: I REPENT FOR MY SINS I REPEAT I REPENT
Nando: ...
Nando: So about that alcoholic dinner
Aussiegrit: we can't
Aussiegrit: Sebby's too young 🥺
Seb: oh no :(
Seb: Webber can't go either, his elderly, cobwebby, ancient intestines may fail 😬
Aussiegrit: cobwebby ain't a word, mate
Seb: "eRm AcKsHuAlLy, CoBwEbBy IsN't A wOrD" 🤓👆
SuperiorBrit: What's with the hatred gang
SuperiorBrit: Let's all get dinner and kick JB out
Nando: MAGNIFIQUE
Nando: I approve
Aussiegrit: Nando says so,
Aussiegrit: bye Button we are making a chat without you
JB: NO WTF??
JB: I CREATED Y'ALL
JB: BRO I'M LITERALLY NICK FURY
Seb: me and Mark and Fernando knew each other
Seb: Lewis and Nico clearly had... smth going on
Seb: You and Nico knew eachother,
Seb: and nobody knows who Kimi is
Iceman: good
Seb: AH! he speaks!
Seb: hello Kimi :)!
Iceman: hi
Aussiegrit: @Seb Ooof 😬😬😬
Aussiegrit: that's gotta hurt
Seb: Webber. FUCK OFF.
JB: wow you all are INSANE can we not focus for 2 seconds
JB: SETTLE DOWN CHILDREN MAMA BUTTON IS TALKING
Britney: wtf Jenson 'insane' 😒
Nando: just say coked up squirrels
JB: FINE
JB: SHUT YER PIEHOLES YA FILTHY COKED UP SQUIRRELS, NOW DADDY BUTTON IS TALKIN
Aussiegrit: ewww
Seb: my virgin ears
Aussiegrit: please never call yourself daddy ever again
JB: whatever
JB: ARE WE ALL FREE THIS SATURDAY
Iceman: no
JB: Oh. damn
SuperiorBrit: May I reiterate
SuperiorBrit: Groupchat without Button
Seb: everyone who agrees with Lewis say I
Aussiegrit: I.
Nando: I.
Britney: I.
JB: slander.
JB: actual slander.
JB: even my love has forsaken me so
Britney: oh romeo where art thou romeo
Britney: 🙄
Nando: @Kimi, what's ur say?
Aussiegrit: 'what's ur say?' Dude, english
Nando: shut up I know like, fifty different languages
Kimi: idc
Nando: rude!
Seb: he was talking about u asking for his opinion
Seb: not your multilingualism
JB: HAH
JB: awfully quick on the defense there, Sebby
JB: got something to admit?
Seb: ...
Seb: bye
JB: huh?
JB: No Sebby, my boy, come back
JB: KIDDO I DIDN'T MEAN TO BULLY YOU THIS BAD
Britney: congrats, u hurt his feelings
JB: awwwww rats :(
JB: in my defense it wasn't that hard
Aussiegrit: that's sure to bring him back
JB: FUCK OFF WEBBER
Nando: 😡
Aussiegrit: anger issues much
Britney: fun fact senior year of college Jenson punched a wall while blackout drunk and broke three of his bones
SuperiorBrit: omg what?
SuperiorBrit: How???
Aussiegrit: wow
Aussiegrit: 10/10
JB: THREE THINGS
JB: 1 NICO YOU LIAR YOU TOLD ME I WAS HEROICALLY DEFENDING YOUR HONOR WHILE WE WERE IN THE HOSPITAL
JB: 2 IT WAS FOUR FINGERS AND A FRACTURED WRIST
JB: AND 3, WHY ARE YOU AIRING OUT MY DIRTY LAUNDRY???!?!?!
Nando: that's just so lame
Nando: Tú eres estúpido
JB: hey :(
JB: don't be mean
Nando: oh my bad I didn't think you could understand that
JB: bro you deadass said estupido I passed high school spanish
Britney: @JB you were defending my honor
Britney: I think you said something like, "you stubbed your toe on the wall, Britney babe? Let's how it takes this!"
Britney: then broke 4 of your fingers
Britney: and fractured your wrist
SuperiorBrit: wow
SuperiorBrit: really defending his honor there
JB: ofc
JB: I will always be the night in shining armor for my beautiful girlfriend
Aussiegrit: bruhhh
Aussiegrit: stop being gay as hell
Seb: *knight
Seb: if you're gonna be cringe on main, use PROPER dialect
Seb: you neanderthal
JB: returning from a three minute hiatus just to make fun of me is insane behavior, Sebastian Bartholomew Vettel
Seb: so close 👍
Nando: If we got a pet I would name it Bartholomew
Aussiegrit: if we got a pet it would not be named Bartholomew
Nando: :(
JB: divorced ahh energy
Nando: ...
Aussiegrit: your mouth never fails to amuse me, Button
JB: heh 😼
JB: that's what ALL the ladies say
Britney: ewwwwww Button, gross
Seb: someone never left 2020 TikTok
Seb: twenty bucks he had a cringe cosplay account
JB: Bullshit you prepubescent baby
Aussiegrit: Sebastian.
Aussiegrit: there is literally a video of you doing the one strawberry cow meme
JB: NO WAY
Nando: que?
Britney: wait... deadass?
Seb: shut up you can't prove anything
Aussiegrit: I actually can, I still have the video saved
Seb: YOU SAVED THAT!?!! Oh verdammt 😔
Kimi: can we see
SuperiorBrit: wow even Kimi is curious
Seb: NO
Seb: NEIN
Seb: NO
Seb: Mark I have so much dirt on you please spare me
Seb: I will genuinely invite Fernando over steal one of your five hundred dollar wine bottles and tratschen about all ur dirty little secrets
Seb: don't PLAY.
Aussiegrit: 😧
Aussiegrit: Seb shut the fuck up
Nando: 🤨
Nando: Mark ur keeping secrets
JB: gasp
JB: lovers quarrel
JB: I'm such a marvelous third wheel
Britney: Button your tact is so prevalent
JB: hell yeah baby (THE PLAN.)
Britney: 🙄
Britney: oh right, b
Britney: fuck me I can't do it
Britney: babe.
JB: awwwwwwwww
SuperiorBrit: ???
Seb: this is so interesting to watch as a clueless outsider
JB: i mean u are getting all the entertainment
JB: speaking of which
JB: @Nando is my goat chiseled cheekbones alive?
Nando: he's fine :)
JB: ...
JB: yeah tell me why I'm doubting that shit
Aussiegrit: I'm fine
Seb: oh
Seb: yayyyyyyyy
Aussiegrit: you are so aggravating
Seb: I get that a lot 😼
Aussiegrit: hmph
Aussiegrit: wonder why
JB: OUCH!
JB: Mark with the KO
Nando: you play too many video games, Jenson
JB: yeah yeah whatever you say inquisidor
Sebastian Vettel created a chat
Sebastian + 1 other - 8:00 P.M
Sebastian Vettel: Hello, is this Kimi?
Sebastian + 1 other - 9:37 P.M
Kimi Raikkonen: why
Sebastian Vettel: oh, hi Kimi!
Sebastian Vettel: I just wanted to ask you if you feel comfortable in the groupchat?
Sebastian Vettel: this is Seb btw
Kimi Raikkonen: what
Sebastian Vettel: oh, well even though I only know some of them, Mark's definitely an ass, which means everyone associated with him is therefore an ass
Sebastian Vettel: and I want to make sure ur not like
Sebastian Vettel: uncomfortable
Kimi Raikkonen: okay
Sebastian Vettel: sorry, this is annoying, I'm being annoying rn
Sebastian Vettel: I just wanted to
Sebastian Vettel: like
Sebastian Vettel: sorry, ignore me I'm tired 😭
Sebastian Vettel: just pretend this conversation never happened.
Sebastian + 1 other - 11:29 P.M
Kimi Raikkonen: you don't bother me
Sebastian Vettel: huh?
Kimi Raikkonen: texting is weird
Kimi Raikkonen: hurts my eyes
Sebastian Vettel: oh, do you want to call?
Sebastian Vettel: sorry if that was weird :(
Kimi Raikkonen: I can call
Sebastian Vettel started a call
S: H-hi?
K: hello
S: OH! Kimi, hi!
S: What did... what did you want to call about
K: I don't know
K: I thought you had something to share
S: oh!
S: okay, ummm
S: Why does texting hurt your eyes?
S: sorry if that's a sensitive subject
K: it's fine
K: don't like light
S: oh, well if that's the main issue, try bluelight glasses!
K: ...
S: They're like, glasses that you can wear which protect you from technology
S: since it's an issue for you, those may help
S: I can order you a pair!
K: it's fine.
S: oh, yeah, sorry
S: I can get carried away sometimes
S: and I talk too much a lot
S: but Mark is the one usually shaming me for that so I tend to ignore him
K: is Mark your boyfriend?
S: H-HAH!?!?!?!?!
S: OH! ERR, no! We are just friends
S: well... friends is a stretch
S: we are... what's the phrase in english
S: Wir sind eher Bekannte?
S: vaguely friendish?
S: besides, Fernando would kill me
S: he and Mark definitely have some weird unconfirmed tension
S: ha
K: ...
S: A-Anyways...
S: I still technically have yet to meet you
S: like, I saw you moving in but like, from a couple yards away
S: so
S: ahem.
S: what do u look like!
S: if that's not too invasive...
K: blonde
S: Oh! okay, same!
K: I know
S: ...huh?
K: I saw you
K: this morning
S: oh... oh no!
S: this morning? In my 'nobody will see me clothes'?
S: Verdammt!
S: Sorry, today was not my day
S: horrible circumstances to meet me under
K: you looked...
K: nice, I suppose
S: haaaa!
S: Thanks Kim!
S: Kimi.
S: Thanks Kimi.
K: You're awkward
S: Oh
S: Yeah, I know
S: that's totally an everybody thinks that about me thing
S: not just
S: you
K: ...
K: okay
S: ...
K: ...
S: so! Umm, anyways, that was all I wanted to say
S: thanks for humoring me
K: Of course
K: You doubt yourself
K: Stop that
S: That's-
S: That's actually really kind
S: Thanks KImi!
K: ...
S: Ahh, anyways goodnight! See you in the morning, maybe?
K: Goodnight
Sebastian Vettel ended the call
The Roommates and the Third Wheel - 12:31 A.M
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: AGAHHAHAHAGAHAHAHGHAHGAHGAHAGHAA
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: AHHAHGAHAGAHAGHAHAHAHAHA EEEUEEEE EE EMAMSMSKSKSKMSMSMSSMSMSMM
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: AJWSOJOEJIOJIODEDJOIEJIEDSIJOSWJSWIJOWIJSWJI
Grandpa: dude.
Grandpa: it's 12:30
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: I JUST GOT OFF CALL WITH KIMI RAIKKONEN
ELMATADOR🐂: ¿Que te den, me despertaste para esta mierda?
Grandpa: honey, I can half understand ur curse words, and Seb doesn't know shit
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: gay gay gay gay
Grandpa: smd
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: was that to like, argue against my claims
ELMATADOR🐂: your unreciprocated crush ruined my beauty sleep
ELMATADOR🐂: bitch
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: ouch, hit me where it hurts
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: But I'm upping the odds from .05 to 1
Grandpa: a .95 increase?
Grandpa: did he dramatically confess his love for u or something?
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: Nope
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: He said AND I QUOTE
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: "You liked nice today, I suppose"
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: When he willingly CALLED ME.
ELMATADOR🐂: Really.
ELMATADOR🐂: i'd give it a .5
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: you just hate love cause ur man stays oblivious
ELMATADOR🐂: Seb, you are dead one of these days
Grandpa: ...am I missing something?
Grandpa: who is Nando in love with
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: 🙄
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: I almost feel pity
ELMATADOR🐂: Sebastian, no me jodas la vida amorosa con tus mierdas.
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: I don't speak Spanish you jerk
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: two can play at that game though
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: Du bist so verzweifelt in einen ahnungslosen Mann verliebt, das ist schon peinlich. Hör auf, uns alle zu blamieren.
Grandpa: wow that is a lot of words I don't understand
Grandpa: shall I pull out google translate
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: NO.
ELMATADOR🐂: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Grandpa: shall I start speaking in aussie slang then 😒
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: please
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: never again
ELMATADOR🐂: stop being mad he told everyone you wear thongs that one time
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: SHUT UP WHY ON EARTH DO THEY CALL THEM THAT
Grandpa: don't besmirch my culture you hooligan
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: UGHHH I don't care about Australia and their stupid thongs, I texted you to complain about my love life for once instead of ur guys's stupid issues
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: Can we lock in for two seconds
Grandpa: Issues?
ELMATADOR🐂: What issues?
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: OMG
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: I'm actually gonna pull out my phone and text Lewis
ELMATADOR🐂: was he the guy you had a crush on in highschool
ELMATADOR🐂: who you only talked to once because you were a coward
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: first of all fuck you now all of you have met Nico Rosberg and trust me he is way more terrifying in person and he and Lewis used to be obsessed with each other before... something happened ig
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: second of all don't you dare bring that up in the main group chat neither of them remember me and I never want them too
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: and third of all I will be talking now fuck you all
ELMATADOR🐂: but Seb
Grandpa: just let him talk his little pining heart out for a minute, Nando, then we can go back to sleep
ELMATADOR🐂: ...
ELMATADOR🐂: whatever
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: cough cough
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: whipped
Grandpa: do you want me to revoke ur talking privileges
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: SO ANYWAYS
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: I texted this man cause I was genuinely worried he might be getting anxious cause everyone kinda knows each other at least vaguely in the groupchat
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: shut up before you say whipped or gay or whatever bullshit
ELMATADOR🐂: whipped
Grandpa: gay
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: ...😒
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: anyways he responded after like an hour
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: and I was totally suave and cool and not awkward at all
Grandpa: i bet he apologized like twenty times
ELMATADOR🐂: I'll give you fifty
Grandpa: done
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: ANYWAYS.
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: he leaves me unread for like another hour before saying he doesn't like to text
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: so I offered to call him
Grandpa: and that worked?!
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: ...I would get mad at that comment but I wasn't expecting it to work either so 🤷♀️
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: but then, he mentioned that I looked NICE in the shitty highschool pajamas i wore to buy snacks the other day
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: and told me stop doubting myself
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: AND TOLD ME GOODNIGHT
ELMATADOR🐂: ...
Grandpa: I really hate to say it, but I'm upping your odds to a solid 1.25
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: HELL YEAH
ELMATADOR🐂: I'm just shocked he didn't call 911 when you offered to call him
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: It's because he's 1.25% in love with me 😘
Grandpa: I wish I had your levels of delusion.
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: It's okay Fernando has enough delusion to power us all
ELMATADOR🐂: Sebastian.
ELMATADOR🐂: Mi compadre
ELMATADOR🐂: have I ever told you how much I hate you.
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: Always 😏
Grandpa: this groupchat makes me feel so excluded 😔
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: even tho I'm literally supposed to be the third wheel 🥰
ELMATADOR🐂: Mark Webber
ELMATADOR🐂: It would be a cold day in hell the moment I say I prefer Sebastian Vettel over you
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: oh c'mon please just pretend ur not some sappy puddle of mush for some tall ass Australian hobo
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: "oh Mark-poo, you're so beautiful"
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: "oh Marky-baby, mi amor, you're so tierno"
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: just lie to me
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: restore my shattered self-confidence
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: I can't be nobody's favorite
ELMATADOR🐂: Did you look up those words in Spanish just to fuck with me
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: Fuck you, I don't disclose private information.
ELMATADOR🐂: 🤓👆
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: Dummkopf
Grandpa: @ELMATADOR🐂 awwwww that's sweet ❤️
Grandpa: @Twink🏳️🌈🤓 I'm not a hobo you little prick, and besides, you're definitely Kimi's favorite
Grandpa: also stop bickering, ya' toddlers
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: bro
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: r we yes we deadass
ELMATADOR🐂: Mark, honey, I hate to agree with the sewer gremlin after my declaración dramática, but Kimi doesn't really like anybody
Grandpa: out of everyone in Jenson's groupchat, me and Nando speak to Kimi the most
Grandpa: You're the only one he's mentioned by name, Seb, excluding me and Nando.
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: maybe he has a crush on you then, Webber
ELMATADOR🐂: Seb
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: Nando
Grandpa: what did I say about arguing
Grandpa: it's literally 1 in the morning
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: Okay dad
Grandpa: 😑
ELMATADOR🐂: can we please go back to bed if Seb has nothing else interesting to add
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: I mean
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: his voice was hot as hell 😏
Grandpa: that was not information we needed
ELMATADOR🐂: he literally sounds like he smoked fifty cigarettes
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: well ur more of a fan of a little twang, so ur opinion makes sense 🥰
ELMATADOR🐂: Como Mark se dé cuenta, estás muerto, Sebastian Vettel
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: Hey!
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: that's my name!
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: :)
Grandpa: are u also gossiping about me in Spanish 😔
ELMATADOR🐂: Never, cariño
ELMATADOR🐂: I was simply shaming el engendro del demonio
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: well that was definitely derogatory
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: jerk
ELMATADOR🐂: what's the saying?
ELMATADOR🐂: cry me a river?
Grandpa: spot on mate
Twink🏳️🌈🤓: why am I friends with you assholes
Read 1:20
Floor 7 😝🏳️🌈😼 - 11:27 A.M.
JB: BONJOUR MI HERMANOS
JB: TIS A LOVELY DAY INNIT MATE
JB: GUTTEN TOG OR SMTH
Nando: You've butchered my language once again
Nando: mr. racist
JB: woah their, hold ur houses
Britney: That's not how you spell Guten Tag.
Britney: and that's the wrong their
Britney: and it's horses not houses
Britney: c'mon, you're literally British, Button.
JB: so fuck the plan
Britney: I have no idea what you're talking about
Nando: This is all very suspicious
Nando: ...
Nando: 🍿
Aussiegrit: it's too early for this
Aussiegrit: everybody stop texting
Nando: are you sleepy 🥺
Aussiegrit: piss off, mate
Nando: never, carino 🥰
Seb: I hate you
Seb: flirting in the roomates group chat
Seb: flirting in the hallways when I'm trying to steal ur donuts
Seb: flirting when watching television
Seb: I can't take it!
JB: look who decided to grace us with his marvelous euphoric presence this fine afternoon!
Nando: @Seb whiny brat 🙄
Aussiegrit: @Seb Sebi, I literally just said I was tired
Aussiegrit: are you projecting, Sunshine? 👀
Seb: die die die die die
JB: sunshine eh?
JB: mark's trying to get with everybody rn
Aussiegrit: no I'm not
Nando: no he's not
Britney: ...
Seb: this is my life.
Seb: born to be a star
Seb: forced to be a perpetual third wheel
SuperiorBrit: oh my god y'all never shut up do you
JB: LEWIE
JB: LEWIE LEW IT'S BEEN SO LONG
JB: THE LESS MARVELOUS BRIT
JB: Not much of a talker eh?
SuperiorBrit: first off I'm ignoring your insults, the name speaks for itself
SuperiorBrit: and second of all I don't converse with nincompoops
Britney: look who's talking
SuperiorBrit: got something to say?
Britney: 🙄
Seb: ...
Seb: @SuperiorBrit what does nincompoop mean
Nando: Vettel
Nando: can you not see the tension here
Nando: 🍿
Seb: Oh I forgot you were gossipy old windbag
Nando: 😑
JB: gasp
JB: Fernando, a...
JB: slut for the tea?
Aussiegrit: good lord 🙄
JB: Ik right it's wacko 😱
Aussiegrit: sure 👍
Aussiegrit: that's what I meant
JB: I'm sensing a sort of hostility here, mate
JB: AND sarcasm
JB: how could you :(
Aussiegrit: I'll mail you an apology
Britney: wow
Seb: ice cold!
Seb: maybe we should rename you Iceman!
Nando: someone on ur mind Seb
Seb: Nando stop it 😡
JB: LORE
JB: WHY AM I ALWAYS OUTSIDE THE LORE
Britney: cause nobody likes you
JB: ...
Britney: urghhhhh this isn't even...
Britney: @JB except for me I guess
JB: YAYAYAYYAYAYAY MY LOVEEEE
SuperiorBrit: okay is anyone else confused
Aussiegrit: 🤷♀️
Seb: I've learned to ignore them
Seb: I've had practice in disregarding blatant homosexual behavior
Nando: 🖕
Aussiegrit: 🖕
Seb: never mentioned names btw!
Aussiegrit: don't be a little shit
Seb: who...
Seb: me? 😼
SuperiorBrit: this is the most chaotic group chat I've ever been a part of
SuperiorBrit: can we not focus for two seconds
JB: I'm getting flashbacks
JB: to when I TRIED to plan a super duper amazing meet up
JB: and then was rudely interrupted and beaten down just for being me 😔
JB: until I gave UP on you bullies 😒
Nando: ahhh
Nando: coked up squirrels
JB: HEY U WERE PAYING ATTENTION
Seb: I think it would be cool to meet up on a real note
Aussiegrit: are you gonna tell your mom about that too
Seb: just because I have two loving parents doesn't mean you can be an asshole, Mr. Mark Webber
JB: SHUT UP MARK
JB: SEBASTIAN I LOVE YOU
JB: WE ARE ELOPING TOGETHER ON AN ISLAND AND EVERYONE CAN GO DIE
JB: THANK YOU FOR SEEING THE BRIGHT SIDE
Seb: ...
Iceman: that's dramatic
JB: HOLY SHIT I SUMMONED A WRAITH
JB: EVERYBODY SHUT UP THIS IS A MOMENT FOR THE HISTORY BOOKS.
Iceman: You're dramatic
Aussiegrit: oof
Aussiegrit: burned by the chillest guy
Aussiegrit: how does that make you feel, Button?
JB: wonderful, thank you very much Mr. Webber 🥰
Seb: OH!
Seb: hi Kimi! 👋
Aussiegrit: delayed much 😏
Nando: ur pathetic
Seb: eat it, the lot of you 🖕
Iceman: hello Sebastian
JB: hey, what happened to my greeting?
JB: we've gotten you to say more than two words!
JB: this is cause for a party
SuperiorBrit: mate,
SuperiorBrit: there may be a reason you got no greeting
JB: ooooooooo
JB: you bully :(
JB: see Nico?
Britney: leave me out of this
JB: hey, don't be mean :/
JB: don't you want...
JB: ur reward 😏
Britney: ...
SuperiorBrit: ...
Seb: ...
Nando: 😳
Nando: 🍿
Nando: @Aussiegrit want some
Aussiegrit: Lo aprecio, Nano 😊
Aussiegrit: 🍿
Nando: ...eh
Nando: ur spanish is close enough 👍
SuperiorBrit: @Britney @JB huh??
SuperiorBrit: explain?
Britney: SORRRY WAS BUSY THROTTLING MY ROOMMATE
Seb: the all caps 😳
Britney: Verpiss dich, Seb. Ich hab keine Laune
Seb: message received 😊
Britney: WHAT JENSON MEANS
Britney: is that we made a dumb bet together that I was in the process of fulfilling but don't worry I called it off and I was supposed to be given free dinner because of it but now since Jenson is a Grade-A dickhead I no longer get my free steak dinner and I am in the process of taking new applicants for my roomate anybody is free to live with me
JB: wow Britney, I didn't know you could talk that much 😮
Britney: oh, so ur not dead then?
JB: FREAK FRACK
JB: MARKY-POO COME SAVE ME PLS
AussieGrit: I wasn't going to in the first place
Aussiegrit: but I want you to know calling me that would've convinced me to throw you into Britney's arms myself
JB: DICKHEAD
JB: SEB! HE'S SPEAKING IN GERMAN WTF DO I DO
Seb: wait now I'm curious what is he saying
JB: AWWWW SHIT
JB: UN MOMENTO POR FAVOR
Nando: that was...
Nando: surprisingly enough correct actually
JB: FUCK I CAN'T EVEN LANGUISH IN THE PRAISE
JB: @Seb HOLD ON U MOFO GIMME A SEC
Seb: I didn't say anything 🤨
JB sent an audio message
Two voices echo over the tinny audio, one angered, and one British.
"Britney, I can't understand you!"
"Was zur Hölle hast du dir dabei gedacht, du Idiot? Jetzt hasst Lewis mich bestimmt, weil er denkt, ich bin irgendein Freak oder so, und du hast mich vor allen total blamiert! Dieser beschissene Plan, ihn eifersüchtig zu machen, hat nicht mal funktioniert! Du bist so scheiße, ehrlich; du bist einfach ein Vollidiot!"
"That sounded like a bunch of slurs HUN—HOLY SHIT SEB WHAT IS HE SAYING LET ME KNOW BEFORE I DIE—"
There is a district crashing noise before the audio cuts out.
SuperiorBrit: ...wow
Iceman: dramatic.
Seb: oh
Seb: this explains so much
Aussiegrit: Sebi you can't just say that
Aussiegrit: my curiosity is now piqued
Seb: piqued?
Aussiegrit: like, you've got my attention
Seb: oh, okay, thanks
Nando: ...
Aussiegrit: ...so u not gonna say anything else
Seb: Nope! 🥰
Aussiegrit: little shit
Seb: old boomer
Britney: FUCK
Britney: what of that did you hear Sebastian
Seb: make a new groupchat
Seb: me u Button
Seb: I want in on the tea
Seb: and the plan
Britney: Jenson is double dead
JB: WHAT WAS HE SAYING????
Seb: 🤷♀️
JB: FUCK.