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It’s not a good day, but the weather is beautiful, and Ilya’s allowed to sit on his favorite bench. He looks out at the lake and watches ducks land on it.
Ilya doesn’t remember the man who Beverly, his favorite nurse here, told will visit him today. Apparently as he does every day. But Ilya knows that he should.
Not because of what the nurses or other staff at whatever place he lives at now remind him. Or what the two teenaged boys and the one girl who came all together yesterday try to insist. If it was indeed yesterday. It might not have been. Still, he knows he should remember the man because of how he looks at Ilya. As if he is the very best thing in the entire world. Like Ilya is breaking his heart just by breathing.
Shane. He thinks that’s his name. Ilya thumbs the crucifix around his neck, feeling for the ring that lives beside it. He doesn’t know if it’s his or someone else’s. He doesn’t have the bravery to ask today.
He doesn’t have to wait long for Beverly, who is kind and crude at the same time, to find him. She’s the best person here, even on the days when he doesn’t remember her. She seems more than capable to remind him. Next to her is who he assumes is Shane.
More memories swirl around in his head, but he still can’t make sense of them.
“Hey, Ilya,” the man says. “I’m uh. I’m Shane.”
His voice shakes and he swallows down emotions Ilya doesn’t understand. What he does know is that Beverly ratted out on him having a bad day. That’s how he rates his life now. Bad days. Good days. And the ones that don’t feel like much at all.
Shane doesn’t look at him like he’s having a bad day, though. He stares down at him as if he is precious just for being here. Like he’s done enough. Ilya wishes he remembered what he did to deserve such a look. If anything. For all he knows, Shane might be like this with everyone.
The thought rings false in his head. He might not know Shane, but Shane clearly knows him. He is special to him. It makes Ilya’s heart beat faster, until he wants to reach out and touch him. Shane recognizes it before it should be possible. His lips turn up into a soft smile that reaches his eyes. Ilya watches the expression take form. He studies Shane, looking to know something about him that he’s clearly supposed to. But all he can think about is his freckles and how much he wishes he could kiss them.
He’s attractive for his age.
That’s an understatement.
He’s got a healthy amount of salt and pepper in his hair and wrinkles around his eyes and mouth. Laugh lines, Ilya vaguely thinks. Who made him laugh or smile that much? Was it him? Was it the two of them, together?
Ilya’s mouth twists in frustration. He hates this. He hates himself. Surely, if he was the one who Shane loved, he should remember. He should feel it. Instead, it’s as if he’s being crushed under an insurmountable weight. One that pins him to the ground and nearly cuts off his ability to breathe.
Shane looks at Beverly, helpless and scared. How many times has this happened? How many more will it? Beverly nods at Shane. He bends down and faces Ilya so that they’re almost eye-level. He holds out his hand. Ilya stares at it a moment too long before he realizes he’s supposed to hold it. Shane takes the hand back.
“You’re okay,” Shane gets out.
It’s as if he’s telling it to himself, too. Is this why Shane still visits? Or is it something else? Something more broken inside of the both of them?
“Close your eyes,” Shane says.
Ilya snorts, but then Shane shakes his head, all fond, and Ilya is helpless. He does what he wants. He breathes in deeply. He listens to Shane’s voice as he tells him nothing important. Nothing that he probably hasn’t said to him before. Somehow, it really does help.
Ilya wonders how old he is. If they’re the same age. He thinks about asking Shane, but it might make him sad. He doesn’t know how, but he thinks a lot of things Ilya asks him make him look that way. He doesn’t think it’s stopped him before. He isn’t sure Shane even wants him to stop.
When Ilya opens his eyes again, Shane looks away and sniffs. Was he crying? Did Ilya do that to him? He should try to fix it, but he doesn’t have the words. Not the right ones, at least. Not the ones that Shane needs to hear.
He decides to keep quiet.
Shane stands again.
Ilya nods to the bench and then looks back at Shane. “You can sit, too.”
Shane gives Beverly a look that makes Ilya’s heart explode. Or, at least, damn near close. He takes a seat beside Ilya, careful to leave space between them. Ilya watches him rub his palms on his jeans.
Beverly looks at Ilya. “Are you okay if I go check on some other people?”
“As long as you tell me, and them, that I’m your favorite,” Ilya replies without missing a beat, used to his and Beverly’s routine.
Beverly raises her eyebrows at Shane, who laughs. Ilya can’t stop himself from grinning at the sound. Shane shouldn’t be so comforting. Not when he feels like a stranger, too. But the truth is harder than that. Because it’d be easy if he could think of Shane as just a random person who apparently visits him here every day. Who sits beside him and watches the time pass.
But, of course, he knows it isn’t that simple. Shane is…More. Or, he was, at least. Ilya eyes the ring on his left hand. Ilya wants to compare to the one around his neck, but he’s too scared.
What if they don’t match?
Beverly huffs, but she smiles softly at Shane. He shrugs, looking happy. Ilya feels immensely proud of himself for being the cause. Once she’s gone, Shane leans back on the bench. Ilya tries to mimic his movements, hoping that it will keep the smile on Shane’s face.
“Where’s Anya?” Ilya asks.
The smile disappears from Shane’s face in the time it takes for Ilya to blink. His brow furrows. He didn’t mean to hurt him. He just wants to know where his dog is.
Shane takes a slow breath. “I’m sorry. She…She got sick.” Ilya feels his bottom lip shake. He adds, “But she had the best life, I promise. She was so happy, even that last day. She loved you.” He huffs, even though Ilya thinks he’s trying not to cry. “Definitely more than me. You gave her the best life, Ilya.”
His heart breaks from the loss. He wants to hold Anya in his arms. He wants to remember that she was real. That he is, too. But Anya is gone. Maybe so is Ilya.
Shane knows what he’s thinking. Either that, or they’ve been here before. He reaches out and holds Ilya’s hand gently. Not strong. Ilya could stop it if he wanted to. He wonders if he has before. If this is something that Shane’s learned.
Ilya allows Shane to anchor him back to reality. Or as close to reality as he can manage these days.
“You saw Peter, Jamie and Ray the other day, right?” Shane’s voice is tentative. When Ilya doesn’t go answer, he swallows. “The kids, I mean.”
He’s trying not to overwhelm Ilya, but he wishes he would. He wants him to tell him everything. To give him it all back. Give him back his life that has clearly been stolen from him.
Are those kids his? Are Peter, Jamie and Ray his kids with Shane? Are they Ilya’s legacy? He can’t even remember the day they were born or when he first held them. But he can still recall their faces when they visited him. Petrified and scared and hurt. Angry, too. Maybe not at Ilya, but at the world. Which didn’t make much of a difference when he looked into the girl’s eyes. She might’ve been the youngest, but she was filled with the kind of rage Ilya recognized all too well. In himself.
The heartbreak, too, that goes along with that kind of emotion.
Ilya tells him the truth. “Yes, I did.”
Shane lets out a breath that Ilya didn’t realize he was holding in. “Good. They promised me they would, but…” He cuts himself off. “It’s just hard for them.”
Ilya searches Shane’s face for something. He can’t stop himself from asking, “Is it hard for you?”
Shane is terrified by the question. Ilya can read the expression easily. As if he’s seen it before along with a thousand others. Maybe he really has.
“I—” he starts, trying to take it back.
“No,” Shane says. “It’s hard not being here with you.”
He is a really bad liar.
Shane is lying to Ilya.
He wants to know why. To demand it from him. He thinks that if he did, Shane might give in. He might tell him the thing he’s trying to keep from him. He thinks Shane might even want him to do it. That he is expecting it. For that reason, Ilya knows he can’t do it.
Shane is expecting someone else from Ilya. A person Ilya isn’t sure even exists anymore. He can’t lie to him. Doesn’t have the strength to show him that the man who he wants is in front of him. Because what if he isn’t? What if he does it all wrong? Where would that leave Shane?
It is hard for Shane to be here. Perhaps more than the others. It is suffocating. He can see it in his eyes and the way Shane is holding himself. He might not want Ilya to know that, but he does. As much as he knows anything today.
Still, Ilya doesn’t push him away. Can’t bear the thought of losing whoever Shane is to him all over again.
They sit and watch the ducks and the lake and the sun as it starts to set.
When Shane speaks again, it is a quiet, timid thing.
“Can I…” Shane doesn’t finish, but somehow, deep in his muscles and bones, Ilya understands what he means.
He pulls him toward him. Slowly. It’s enough that Shane could change his mind and it wouldn’t be too painful or awkward. But he doesn’t. A miracle. One that won’t last, but Ilya will take what he can get. Shane leans his head on Ilya’s shoulder, and the whole world goes quiet.
Ilya shuts his eyes and simply exists. He doesn’t know how long they sit like that. He’s aware of time passing the same way that he knows the moon orbits the Earth. He and Shane are not unlike those two things. Always circling. Always together. Except…Not really. At least, not anymore.
But there might’ve been a time when things were different. When they didn’t just circle each other but were connected. No longer in orbit but buried together. Right down to their atoms. They could reach out and…Touch.
Ilya runs a hand through Shane’s hair without meaning to, and he worries he’s made a mistake. But then Shane makes a soft little sigh, and everything inside of Ilya slides into place. He still doesn’t remember. Of course, he doesn’t. But his body might. At least this part of him hasn’t completely forgotten.
Too soon, they’re interrupted.
“I’m sorry,” Beverly says, more to Shane than to Ilya. He doesn’t understand until she continues. “Shane…”
Shane lifts his head off of Ilya’s shoulder and nods. “I know.”
He looks at Ilya, searching again. What does he possibly hope to find? Ilya wishes he could give it to him. He thinks he would do almost anything to do that.
Shane clears his throat, eyes watering. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
Ilya frowns and his lip trembles. He doesn’t want him to go.
Shane reaches out and grasps onto his hand. The touch feels foreign and familiar at the same time. Ilya can’t stop himself from wanting more from Shane, but he doesn’t ask for it.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Ilya.”
He nods because…What else can he do? What else is there? Shane will visit and Ilya will be here. Until he isn’t. And that will be it.
Shane squeezes his hand, a little too hard. Desperate. As if he has the strength to help Ilya remember by his touch alone. Maybe he does. Maybe, one day, he will.
He stands, and Ilya watches him. He has an even more intense desire for him to stay longer. He stops himself from asking it, though. He can tell it hurts Shane to be here and linger and be held in his arms. He wants him to remain by his side, though. Within his grasp. It doesn’t matter if it makes him awful or selfish.
Ilya looks up at him. Shane swallows hard, and he realizes he’s trying not to cry again. Ilya opens his mouth, but what could he say? He doesn’t have the proper words for it. Not in English, at least. He thinks about saying them in Russian, but he doesn’t know if Shane would understand him.
“I love you, Sweetheart,” Shane tells him.
Slowly, Shane reaches down and presses his lips to the top of Ilya’s head. It’s as if he’s fighting against himself as he does it. Like he doesn’t know if it’s right. Ilya thinks it is. He feels…Something. He doesn’t know how to name it. He squeezes his eyes shut. He hums. It is some content, forgotten sound that breathes new life when Shane touches him.
Shane leaves before Ilya has the chance to reply with the wrong thing.
Tomorrow, then. He supposes. He’ll see Shane tomorrow.
And if they’re both lucky, he will remember.