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Don't Pull That Stunt (Unless it's a Kiss)

Summary:

The team go undercover as stuntmen, Nate is the only one sticking to the plan, Sophie is upset she doesn't get to act, Hardison does not want to be there, Parker has too much fun, Eliot wants more than he thinks he's allowed, and the OT3 get what they want in each other.

Notes:

This is just a silly thought that I NEEDED to share! A little context (but not mandatory) is that Hardison and Parker are an official thing and Eliot has been there too but not "officially" because...no one said anything. Anyway, on with the show!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done,” Hardison declared as they stepped on set.

“Come on, don’t be such a baby about it,” Eliot said gruffly as they pushed past a few people. “Stunt work is what makes all your movies so good.”

“I don’t know,” Parker murmured as she looked around thoughtfully at the different people bustling about and the film crew discussing things. “I don’t see what’s so interesting about stunts when none of it is real. It’s all scripted. Where’s the thrill of jumping off something and knowing you can just try again if it didn’t come out right?”

“Guys, focus.”

The three zeroed in on Nate’s voice over the comms as he reiterated why they were there. They were supposed to act as distractions and get close to some of the actors on set while Sophie and Nate worked on the producers. The end goal was to retrieve the blackmail material that had been used against their client—an extra in the tv show being filmed, who was offered a larger role much to the chagrin of one of the lead actors.

The downside was that the blackmail had been anonymous, so no one knew which actor was the blackmailer.

That wasn’t even the real problem. The big problem was that Sophie had been sulking and refused to talk to anyone on the comms because she had been passed up to go on set. Not so secretly, everyone else was relieved the grifter wouldn’t have a chance to demonstrate her poor acting skills when the goal was to jump off a few buildings, get hit by a car, and engage in some fight scenes, but no one would tell her that. Still, the overwhelming silence from Sophie’s end didn’t help matters.

 


 

“—and then you’ll jump off and land here, got it? Aldis? You good man?”

Hardison stared wide eyed at the scaffolding the director expected him to scurry up and then down, all while being chased by other men with weapons. Fake weapons, but they were still weapons!

“Uh, quick question,” Hardison said, raising a hand as he looked around at the group. “Is it too late to run away screaming?”

The crew around him laughed and clapped his back. One of the guys dressed as a thug tapped his foam baseball bat against the ground and said, “Scream all you like! Martin’s character is supposed to be a scaredy cat!”

The director nodded and let out a slow sigh before he turned to talk to someone about the lighting. Glancing at the other stuntmen Hardison ambled closer and asked quietly, “So what’s the deal with Martin? The big guy looks stressed anytime he’s mentioned.”

It wasn’t just Martin, but also Jessica and Tate, the three new actors who had been promoted to main characters in the show—one of whom had blackmailed the client into giving up the role to take for themselves—who made the director sigh tiredly whenever they were mentioned.

Another mobster rolled his eyes. “It’s just new kids who think they’re all that.”

“They’re good kids,” one woman argued in their defense, only to wrinkle her nose. “Just...overeager to prove themselves.”

One guy snorted and threw an arm over Hardison’s shoulders. “Rumor has it Tate wanted to do his own stunts. The guy did wrestling back in high school and college and got his panties in a twist when he was told no because of the insurance reasons.”

Hardison made a metal note of everything, just to be on the safe side. A few stunts were supposed to have him and Parker swimming, and he didn’t want to risk his comm getting damaged by getting it wet, but he couldn’t take it out too early in case he caught onto something big.

“At least he wanted to try! Remember when Jess almost threw a tantrum when she had to climb the tree for that kiss scene?”

“Oh well!” Someone laughed and Hardison was slapped on his back again. “Come on buddy! This will be nothing compared to the roof jump you’re going to do later this week!”

“THE WHAT NOW?!”

 


 

“Kane!”

Eliot looked up from where he had bandaged his hands for another take of the fight scene just in time to see one of the other stuntmen and the actor he was filling for wave him over. Joining them Eliot flexed his fingers and asked, “What’s up?”

The actor—a young guy who needed the makeup team to make facial hair for him was somewhat talented but had been given his position by his producer relative—Tate smiled and said, “Just wanted to see who’s going to be doing my stunts.”

Eliot didn’t let it show, but he bristled at the way Tate said “My stunts.” It was too possessive and carried a sharp anger to it, like he had been robbed of an experience.

Huh. Interesting.

“So tell me,” Tate said, his bitterness melting away to genuine curiosity as he asked, “How did you manage that throw? I’ve been trying to do something like that for ages and can never get enough oomph behind it!”

Tate repeated the motion Eliot had performed that resulted in another stuntman being thrown halfway across the set. He nearly missed the off camera crash mat, but got lucky in his landing.

Watching Tate repeat the motion Eliot shook his head and put a hand on the kid’s shoulder to stop him.

“You’re relying too much on your upper body,” Eliot explained as he got into the position and waited for Tate to match him. “You need to twist with your hips, use that to carry through. Got it?”

Repeating the corrected motion Tate grinned and said, “Nice! Uh...” He trailed off and nodded to the side. “Your friend’s looking for you?”

Hardison stood to the side looking mildly horrified at how quickly Eliot had taken to teaching someone a throw, then threw his hands in the air and walked away as he said something that faintly sounded like, “Nope! Nobody better throw me!”

“Ignore him.” Eliot said, giving Tate a light punch to the shoulder. “He’s just nervous.”

“Stunt guys get nervous?” Tate asked in disbelief.

“That one does.”

 


 

Parker had changed her mind about stunt work. I twas actually a blast once she got into it! With all the rigging, jumps, flips, and takes she got to do and redo until the director liked it, she was having fun adding in more jumps and flips to the choreography. To make things even better, everyone liked it!

The one thing she hadn’t changed her mind on was the fact that things in television were still scripted. The actress Jessica seemed insistent that her stunt double had to film most if not all her scenes for her and that she’d just “dub it over later” in post, completely forgetting that she was supposed to be the face people saw on their screen.

Either way, Parker somehow ended up standing in for most of the snobby girl’s scenes while Martin soaked up all the camera time. It made sense to Parker that if one actor was so resistant to stand in the spotlight another would take her place.

“Beth!”

Parker looked up from where she had been staring off into space. She picked a very nice spot to stare, just past Martin’s shoulder all the way back to where Eliot was chatting with some other stuntmen and—and Hardison was watching her.

“Yes?’ Parker asked stiltedly, giving the director a blank look as he motioned for her to stand closer to Martin.

“Kiss! I need you two to kiss!”

“Oh. No thank you.” Parker wrinkled her nose and snorted a laugh, too amused by the prospect of being told to kiss someone to realize that—oh never mind, she could see the director was being serious.

Looking back and forth between Martin and the director, Parker shook her head and said, “No, I don’t get paid for that. You can make her do her job and kiss him.”

A few people coughed from behind the cameras to hide their laughter at Parker’s matter of fact way of talking, and Martin nodded in silent agreement.

The director pinched his brow and sighed. “Jessica...can someone please find Jessica? Martin take a break while we find her, Beth go rest up for the curtain escape.”

Parker nodded and slipped past Martin without a second thought to sit with Hardison. The curtain scene was supposed to be a big escape where she would wind her way down a huge set of curtains like they were aerial silks.

“Having fun?” Parker asked as she sat down and pressed her shoulder against Hardison’s. He was warm and made her feel warm just by being near him, even if they didn’t touch each other. She liked the warmth Hardison gave.

Groaning Hardison pressed into Parker’s touch and said, “Not as much as you are. I thought you weren’t into this stuff?”

“Not the scripted things,” Parker said, grabbing Hardison’s hand to hold. “It feels fake. Like when I stabbed that guy with a fork a couple years ago?” She really hadn’t been good at grifting then, everything was too robotic and stiff, but she had been trying to follow a script.

“What about unscripted?” Hardison asked with an evident smile in his voice.

Parker looked at him with a smile of her own. “Like what?”

Quickly and softly Hardison kissed her. It was sweet and it made Parker’s lips tingle for more.

“Like that.”

Parker kissed Hardison back, unaware of how the director silently bemoaned having two good stunt doubles who were unwilling to act for the scene, but were perfectly happy to kiss in the corner.

 


 

The job had—like most jobs they took—gone south which required a significant change in plans. In this case that meant Sophie had to run from a few evil producers to the rooftop while Nate led his pursuers on a goose chase through the sets.

The drive with all the blackmail material had been in Sophie’s hand when she was in the stairwell, but when the producers apprehended her on the roof and dragged her back down to sit with a captured Nate, her hands were revealed to be empty.

Nate grinned his smug smile and Sophie let him do all the talking just for Eliot and several other stuntmen to burst in and beat them senseless.

It was quite well planned all things considered. Sophie had actually been able to hand off the drive to Hardison before she returned to the stairwell to get “caught,” and even if they checked the roof it would be empty due to Hardison jumping off it for a stunt.

He screamed the entire way down.

It was a bit of a blur how everything unfolded, and Sophie couldn’t bring herself to really care. She was still bitter about not getting to be cast as an actor in the grift so she could expand her acting skills, but the job was done and it was done well.

And if Nate managed to sneak her onto a different set as an extra for another show...well she couldn’t stay mad at him for too long.

 


 

Eliot laughed a bit too hard when he heard Hardison’s over-dramatic scream through the comm on his way down from the rooftop. It wasn’t like the guy was free falling, he had safety precautions and a kiss good luck from Parker.

No Eliot was not jealous. The two were more than allowed to do whatever they wanted given they were in an official relationship. Eliot was just the...the one they thought of later. He didn’t mind so long as he could be around Parker and Hardison, but every now and then Eliot could admit to himself that he wanted to be thought of first by one of them, not second.

It was so selfish it made him want to pull back just as much as he wanted to press in.

Parker was the one to catch up to him first. He’d just finished giving Tate a few lessons on how to tighten up his stances and was back at the hotel packing when Parker appeared, her presence demanding attention even more than if she said anything.

“What?” Eliot asked as he rolled a few shirts into his bag. “Forget something?” He could’ve sworn he saw her grab all her things.

“No,” Parker said as Hardison rounded on Eliot’s other side, effectively squishing him in place. “I just wanted to wait until you couldn’t leave.”

“Leave? Parker what’re you—”

In his haste to turn and face Parker, Eliot had forgotten about Hardison behind him and nearly jumped as the younger man hugged him from behind.

“Hardison! Let go!”

“I don’t think I will!” Hardison said smugly as he swayed side to side.

Parker grinned and leaned in close to Eliot and said, “I kissed Hardison, so I think you need a kiss too.”

Eliot didn’t get a chance to argue before Parker’s lips were on his, and Hardison’s were pressed against his neck. One was sweet and left him chasing, and the other was firm against his skin and sure to leave a mark. Eliot liked both and made no more complaints as he was lavished with the attention he wanted for so long.

Notes:

And then they kissed and did all the good throuple stuff and lived happily ever after until Nate demanded to know (and then changed his mind about wanting to know) why Eliot had so many visible hickies.

The three actors were totally innocent in the end. Martin likes to act and is the most serious of the three, Jessica can't actually act but when she gets over herself and is on camera she's somehow fantastic in a cute/silly/sweet way (think Amanda Seyfried's Karen Smith), and Tate is a dude who just really wants to do some cool stuff. They get along great.

And that's that! I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Remember to drink some water, have a snack, and Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays!