Work Text:
Of all the nights to have an existential crisis…
Erin glances at the digital clock behind her. The blaring green numbers read 2:48 AM. She sits quietly at her desk, clad in a matching baby blue pajama set that Patty gave to her as a “just because” gift. (“I saw these at the store and immediately thought of you, Erin!” Erin laughs because, despite being acquainted for only a few months, Patty knows her all too well.)
It’s a thing that happens, sometimes--the girls staying in the lab for far too long, until someone eventually points out that it’s completely dark outside and they need to go to sleep soon. They’ve set up four individual beds on the upper floor of their new building to accommodate for the few hours of sleep they sometimes get before waking up to continue working. It’s easier than driving all the way home, only to come back four hours later (sometimes more, sometimes less). Because of this, all four women have taken to keeping a set of pajamas upstairs in the event that they crash in the lab. Tonight is one of those nights, and Abby, Patty, and Holtz are all sound asleep while Erin sits at her desk and thinks.
Erin fiddles with her Swiss Army knife, flipping it around in her right hand while holding her head in her left. Her gaze is fixed upon the equipment wall, but not focused. The letters of her and Holtz’s name have blurred together into a muddled, unreadable mess. She shakes her head and tries to bring the world back into focus. The letters become readable again. Erin looks over their equipment, their names and can’t help the surge of pride she feels for her teammates. It’s still surreal to her, how much they’ve accomplished in such a short amount of time.
“We almost died, like, five different times in the span of twenty-four hours! That’s so awesome!” Holtzmann had shouted, jumping and wrapping her arms excitedly around Patty, who did not share Holtzmann’s enthusiasm about their brushes with death, but did agree that saving New York City was a pretty goddamn amazing accomplishment.
Holtz, Erin thinks, stilling the hand that fiddles with her gadget--a gift from Holtzmann which, Erin later found out, was actually one of her most prized possessions.
“You must be real special, Erin. I’ve never seen Holtz without that thing somewhere on her person,” Abby said with a wink. Erin merely smiled and glanced towards Holtz’s work station, where the blonde scientist was hard at work on another dangerous ghost-catching gizmo that most likely had the potential to destroy their new lab if touched the wrong way.
Erin glances over to Holtzmann’s desk now, a little disappointed by the vacant chair. Her desk is a disaster at best, Erin thinks, with all of her half-drawn schematics spread out haphazardly, though Holtz would counter that she lives in an “organized mess.”
On the desk, Erin spots Holtz’s yellow glasses, strewn carelessly (not carelessly, but not as meticulously handled as Abby’s glasses) next to her work goggles. Erin eyes them for a moment before slipping off of her stool and tiptoeing towards Holtz’s desk. She picks up the glasses and slides them on before looking around the room. It explains Holtz’s cheerful demeanor, Erin thinks, since she constantly sees the world in a bright shade of yellow.
“What are you still doing up?” Erin jumps and whips around to see Patty walking slowly down the stairwell. In the dimness of her lamp, Erin can make out the Tweety Bird pattern on Patty’s pajama shorts. She quickly pulls the glasses off and places them back on the table.
“I wouldn’t go near any of Holtzy’s stuff, man. Never know what kind of chain reaction you might set off just by breathing wrong,” Patty comments.
Erin shuffles back to her desk, her fuzzy blue slippers gliding effortlessly over the tile. Patty walks past her and grabs the stool from her own desk. Erin notices her matching Tweety slippers and smiles.
Patty seats herself across from Erin and studies her face for a moment before asking, “Is something wrong?”
Erin tenses, flicking her gaze towards the table nervously. “No, nothing’s wrong.”
“Really? Because it sure seems like something’s wrong, especially if you can’t look me in the eyes when you say that.”
Patty is too observant sometimes. Her time spent talking with and watching people at the MTA has taught her a lot about human emotions and body language. She can spot the shiftiest looking people in a crowd, and she can definitely tell when someone is lying--especially when that someone is one of her best friends.
“I’m just...thinking too much, I guess,” Erin sighs. She reaches out and grabs the Swiss Army knife again, rolling it over in her hand gently. Patty watches her do this for a moment before looking back up at Erin’s face.
“Do you want to talk about?”
“I don’t know,” Erin answers.
Patty sighs, looking down at her folder hands before peering up at Erin again. “Look, I don’t want to push you into talking about anything you’re not comfortable talking about. But it’s also not good to hold stuff in, you know? And I know you, Erin. You internalize, bottle it up, and that can’t be good for you at all.”
Erin stays silent. Patty continues.
“Whatever it is, there’s no judgement on my part. I just want to help you out, even if it’s just having someone listen to you.”
Erin rubs her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose with her free hand. It’s late, she hasn’t slept, and she can feel a massive headache coming on. She knows Patty is right. She shoves her feelings away and hopes for the best, but Erin can feel herself reaching her tipping point. If she doesn’t say anything, she’ll eventually explode and hurt her friends’ feelings in one way or another. It’s happened with Abby once before, and Erin nearly lost her until the book brought them back together.
But the idea of telling Patty about what’s bothering her scares her to the core.
“It’s just…” Erin starts, voice weak as she tries to find the words to explain herself. Her thoughts are everywhere, a jumbled mess of emotions and irrational ideas about what people might think...
“Patty, have you ever...had feelings for another woman?”
Patty doesn’t look fazed at all. She simply nods and answers, “Yeah, I have.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I went through the whole thing when I was in high school.”
Erin asks, “Oh...are you…?”
“I mean, yeah,” Patty smiles. “I’m actually not into dudes at all, so don’t worry, I’m not judging you in the slightest.”
“Oh!” Erin says, her eyebrows raising so high that they disappear beneath her fringe.
Patty huffs a laugh and shrugs. “What, did you think Holtz was the only lesbian around here?”
The mention of Holtzmann makes Erin panic. Patty can see the change in her face, the anxiety as she bites at her lower lip and kneads her hands together on the tabletop.
“Ohhh, I see, now,” Patty says. “This is about Holtz, then.”
Erin is quiet again. The cat’s out of the bag, and it definitely can’t be shoved back inside now. Patty is way too perceptive for that. Erin props her elbows on the table and rests her forehead in her hands, letting out a ragged breath.
“What am I supposed to do, Patty?”
Her voice is meek. Patty clicks her tongue and reaches out, brushing her fingers against Erin’s forearm.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” she murmurs. “This is a big thing, I know. But it’s not like you’re a different person now or anything. You’re still Erin. You’re just Erin who likes women. That’s okay! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. And people fall for their co-workers and friends all the time. Like, every romantic comedy ever made is about something like that.”
It’s comforting to hear. Erin smiles up at Patty and swallows, feeling slightly better than she did before. She knows that she still has some internalized issues to deal with, but having the support of a friend who has gone through the same realization means a lot to Erin.
They’re quiet then, Erin turning Patty’s words over in her mind. Eventually, Patty looks up at Erin with a quizzical, but mischievous expression.
“I have a question.”
“What’s that?” Erin asks, one eyebrow raised.
“What about Kevin?” Patty asks.
Erin huffs a laugh and shakes her head. “Kevin is sweet, and he’s really nice to look at, but…”
“You can say it,” Patty grins. “The boy’s dumber than a box of rocks. Actually, we might be able to teach some rocks how to answer the phone properly.”
“Patty, I don’t know what to do. I’ve never...I mean, I wasn’t exactly the most popular girl in high school. There weren’t really any guys who liked me, let alone girls who might have...”
“Not that you know of,” Patty says with a wink. “Believe me, Erin, you’re a catch; you’re smart, you’re funny, you’re cute as hell, and any person who doesn’t want you because they think less of you ain’t worth your time, anyway. But Holtzmann? That girl is crazy about you.”
“Really?” Erin asks incredulously.
Patty chuckles, “Yeah. She won’t shut up about you when you’re not around, always asking when you’re coming in, or talking about how smart you are and how much she wants to go over some schematics with you, or talk about this new science documentary with you, or show you this amazing album she thinks you might like. She’s got it bad.”
Erin flushes at this, thinking back to instances where Holtz sidled over to her work station to ask Erin about her day, or to show Erin something that she thought might be interesting to her.
Now that she thinks about it, it actually happens a lot. Erin never thought it was odd, just thought that it was Holtz’s way of being friendly. Besides, Erin secretly loved the attention she received from Holtz. It did make her feel special, in the same way that receiving the Swiss Army knife made her feel special once she learned of its significance to Holtz.
“Revealing all of my secrets, huh, Patty?” Holtz’s voice comes from the darkened stairwell. Erin stiffens and doesn’t dare look back as Holtzmann pads down the steps, into the light. “I don’t know if we can start our duo magic team if you’re just going to reveal all of my tricks.”
Holtzmann slides into the chair next to Erin. Patty glances between Erin’s stone expression and Holtz’s easy grin, then smiles and says, “I’ll just head on back up to bed. Goodnight, you two.”
“Goodnight, Patty,” Holtz says with a little two-finger salute before leaning back in her chair with her elbows propped up on the back.
“G’night, Patty…” Erin manages, eyes trained on her hands splayed out flat on her desk. She can feel Holtz’s gaze, waiting for Erin to acknowledge her presence.
“How long have you been listening?” Erin asks quietly, avoiding Holtzmann’s steady gaze. She feels small--smaller than she did when presenting both her Master’s and Doctoral theses to her colleagues. At least then it was about science, facts, and objectivity. Though nervous, she could explain anything about physics to a hall full of students and feel an energy that would sweep her up, especially when her students were engaged in the material as well.
But this…
This is Erin at her rawest, her most vulnerable. The only other person to see her with her heart laid out is Abby. And while Abby could sympathize with Erin’s broken heart (“Jocks are the actual worst, Er. You're better off without him.”) she couldn't really relate to those feelings. Still, Abby took her to get cheese fries and held her hand while Erin sniffled in the passenger's seat of her 1978 Toyota Corolla.
“Long enough,” Holtz answers, her easy smile dropping when Erin doesn't look at her. “I'm surprised neither of you heard me. I mean, I almost tripped down the stairs and nearly broke my face, like, five minutes ago.”
“Please don't hate me,” Erin whispers.
Holtzmann feels her heart shatter in her chest. Hate her? How could Holtzmann hate her when she's spent so much time vying for Erin’s attention.
Erin sniffles quietly, bringing her hands up to wipe away tears that Holtz can't see.
This is the first time Erin has ever had feelings for another woman, Holtz realizes. She may have had her gay crisis at a young age, but this is all new to Erin. She must be terrified.
Holtz reaches out and gently grabs one of Erin’s hands, rubbing her thumb soothingly across the top. Erin peers up, her face red and tear-streaked. Just seeing her like this makes Holtz want to cry.
“I could never hate you, Erin,” she murmurs.
Erin musters a smile and Holtz gently squeezes her hand.
“I know this is all new to you, Er, and I know how weird it is to realize this about yourself. But I'm here for you, and so are Patty and Abby. And we don't have to rush into anything, y’know? We can take things slow and--”
“Wait, what?” Erin asks, eyes wide with surprise.
Holtz blinks and says, “Like, with us? We can take this whole thing slow so that you're comfortable--”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Erin pulls her hand out of Holtz’s grip. “Are you...are you saying that you're actually interested in--in me?”
Holtz looks at her like she's crazy. Admittedly, Erin does feel a little crazy right now.
“I mean, yeah, I am. I thought--I mean, with what Patty said, I thought you realized…?”
Erin stares at Holtz for a long moment before letting out a laugh that's a mixture of both exasperation and relief.
“Sorry, sorry,” she says when Holtzmann raises an eyebrow at her. “It’s just, I'm not used to my feelings being...requited, y’know? So this is kind of new for me.”
Holtz smiles, her face suddenly growing warm. She reaches out and tucks a stray piece of hair behind Erin’s ear.
“Like I said. We’ll take it slow, figure things out.”
Erin nods in agreement, biting her lip as she smiles. Holtz can’t help it when her gaze is pulled by the gesture. She stares for only a second before snapping her attention back to Erin’s eyes, hoping--praying--that Erin didn’t notice, or, at least, isn’t uncomfortable. Except Erin did notice, and she definitely doesn’t look uncomfortable. In fact, she looks intrigued. Her eyes flick down to Holtz’s own mouth for a second. Holtz can’t help but smirk.
“You’re looking particularly kissable right now, Er, if I do say so myself.”
Erin huffs a laugh. “Do I usually not look kissable, Holtz?”
“Only when you’re shouting at me when stuff explodes. And even then, you still look pretty kissable, honestly.”
Holtz leans in and Erin follows suit, her eyes fluttering closed in nervous anticipation. Holtz brushes her fingers along Erin’s cheek, heart pounding when Erin slightly leans into her touch, mouth twitching into a nervous smile. Holtz leans in then, pressing a small, feather-light kiss to the corner of her mouth.
“It’s pretty late,” Holtz murmurs, fingers still resting against Erin’s cheek. “And you’ve had an eventful night.”
“I think the phrase you’re looking for is, ‘emotionally taxing,’” Erin jokes. Her voice is low and warm, sending a wave of butterflies through Holtz’s stomach.
“I think you’re right. Maybe we should head back upstairs and get some sleep, yeah? We have a call to look into in the morning.”
Erin nods, sliding from her stool. “You’re right. Probably better to get some sleep than no sleep at all.”
“Hey, hold on.” Holtz reaches out and grabs Erin’s wrist before she can walk towards the stairs. “If you want, we can discuss everything tomorrow. Give you time to process and stuff. I don’t want to rush you, or push you into any kind of situation that you’re uncomfortable with, y’know?”
“Yeah, I know,” Erin nods. “And yeah, we can discuss it tomorrow. Maybe over coffee? Or lunch?”
A warmth spreads through Holtz’s chest at the idea, and she grins. “It’s a date.”
Behind them, both women hear a muffled, happy cry, followed by a quiet shushing sound. Holtz and Erin share a confused look before looking towards the stairwell.
“Guys?” Erin calls out.
From the darkness, Erin can see Abby and Patty’s faces pop into view.
“I’m so happy for y’all!” Patty says, as if she’s been holding in her excited exclamations for a while.
“Me, too!” Abby chimes, waving both of her hands excitedly.
“Were you spying on us?” Holtz asks, no hint of malice in her voice as she grins at her friends.
“Not spying,” Abby answers. “Just...being nosy?”