Work Text:
*Private Messaging: TrueSymmetry*
[19:43] symmetrical: Hels is hosting a potluck tomorrow night, are you coming?
[19:44] the superior sibling: who shall be in attendance
[19:51] symmetrical: Basically, all the Helsmits, NPG, Xisuma, Wels, False, maybe Mumbo because he’s been getting to know Make Sense more, and anyone else who has seen the invite but hasn’t RSVP’d yet.
[19:51] the superior sibling: i shall be there
[19:51] the superior sibling: i wish not to miss the eventual knight fight
[19:57] symmetrical: We’re all very excited for it. 7:00, bring something edible.
[19:58] the superior sibling: i will
[read 20:04]
----
“evil recipes” [19:59]
“evil soup” [20:06]
“evil soups with protein” [20:11]
“very evil recipes” [20:16]
“evil recipes using eggs” [20:22]
How to Make the Perfect Deviled Egg — YouTube [20:28]
Seasonings and What They Do — A Deviled Eggs Deep Dive - YouTube [20:51]
Eggs, Food, and How to Use It — YouTube [21:34]
Are Eggs from Other Animals Good? — YouTube [21:48]
Could Humans Ever Lay Eggs? — YouTube [21:59]
“what is oviposition“ [22:14]
“how to forget something” [22:16]
“how to pour bleach into brain” [22:21]
----
*Private Messaging: XisumaVoid*
[22:31] xandy: where is the bleach
[22:33] xoomy: Xisander, go to sleep.
[read 22:33]
----
Wood Soup ASMR - 12 Hours - Gentle Whispering — YouTube [22:34]
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Notification Wall
“take meds reminder” – Alarm [09:05]
“take meds” – Alarm [09:00]
“wake up reminder” – Alarm [08:55]
Take a moment to reflect in your Journal – TherapyAssist [08:47]
“wake up reminder” – Alarm [08:30]
Your community “Birds with threatening auras” has new posts – Facebook [08:28]
hOtgUy has posted a new video! – TikTok [08:13]
“wake up” – Alarm [08:00]
14 New Messages (#events, Helsmits Causing Chaos) – Discord [07:21]
Check out HelsmitsOverHermits’s new post – Tumblr [05:01]
Remember these? New Memory Movie – Photos [04:51]
723 New Messages (#general-ii, Hermits) – Discord [02:46]
Xisumavoid Joined the Server – Server [00:12]
Xisumavoid Left the Server – Server [23:56]
----
“evil activities” [09:10]
“evil activities to do in the morning” [09:12]
“evil breakfast recipes” [09:23]
“how to eat cereal evilly” [09:38]
----
*Private Messaging: Helsknight*
[09:42] knight in dull armor: If you bring a bag of chips to my potluck like last time I will seriously murder you
[09:43] the superior sibling: do not worry. i have found something supremely evil that i shall be preparing personally
[09:44] knight in dull armor: Then I will murder you if it’s bad
[09:44] the superior sibling: noted
[delivered]
----
“things to do with apples” [09:54]
“apple recipes” [09:55]
“types of fruit” [10:01]
“what is a citrus” [10:10]
“difference between fruit and citrus fruit” [10:14]
“types of citrus fruit” [10:22]
“is lemon a citrus fruit” [10:24]
“lemon recipes” [10:29]
“things to do with lemons” [10:41]
How to Shower with a Lemon – wikiHow [10:46]
----
*Private Messaging: Zedaph*
[10:52] ex-y: do you have any excess lemons
[10:52] ex-y: or any eggs by chance
[11:08] worm-y-man: interesting question
[11:08] worm-y-man: I have plenty
[11:09] worm-y-man: come on over
[read 11:09]
----
Spotify
Playlist “evil shower songs” now playing.
good 4 u – Olivia Rodrigo [11:46]
Blank Space (Taylor’s Version) – Taylor Swift [11:49]
Emperor’s New Clothes – Panic! At The Disco [11:53]
We Don’t Talk About Bruno – Encanto [11:55]
Ghostbusters – Ray Parker Jr. [11:58]
----
*Private Messaging: XisumaVoid*
[12:05] xandy: i require assistance
[12:08] xoomy: Dear Xelqua. Please don’t tell me you tried to use a random fruit as soap again. Or tried to cook.
[12:08] xandy: i’m going for both later today
[12:09] xoomy: I will be over shortly. Can you please me a little bit normal until then?
[12:09] xandy: no promises
[read 12:10]
----
Spotify
Playlist “songs my brother likes for some reason that i tolerate” now playing.
Dancing Queen – ABBA [12:27]
Footloose – Kenny Loggins [12:31]
Killer Queen – Queen [12:35]
----
*Private Messaging: Zedaph*
[12:36] worm-y-man: what did you need the lemon for
[12:36] ex-y: nothing
[12:37] worm-y-man: can I have it back then
[12:38] ex-y: no
[12:38] worm-y-man: you realize I saw X headed to your house right
[12:39] worm-y-man: I could ask him
[12:39] ex-y: i will disown you
----
*Private Messaging: NPCgrian*
[12:40] NPG: I HAVE A NEW RUSTIC HOUSE : )
[12:40] NPG: I WILL BE AT THE POTLUCK
[12:40] NPG: I WILL SHOW YOU MY NEW RUSTIC HOUSE AT THE POTLUCK : ) ) ) )
[read 12:40]
----
*Private Messaging: Zedaph*
[12:40] worm-y-man: youre not my dad
[12:41] ex-y: but i know him
[12:41] worm-y-man: save me a deviled egg
[12:41] ex-y: obviously
[read 12:42]
----
Instacart
Search: “evil mayo” [12:44]
Item added to cart: Mayonnaise [12:47]
Search: “evil mustard” [12:48]
Search: “evil yellow mustard” [12:51]
Item added to cart: Yellow Mustard [12:53]
Search: “evil salt” [12:53]
Item added to cart: Kosher Salt [12:55]
Search: “evil paprika” [12:56]
Item added to cart: Paprika [12:59]
Search: “dill pickle” [13:00]
Search: “dill pickle relish” [13:08]
Item added to cart: Dill Pickle Relish [13:12]
Search: “evil pepper” [13:12]
Item added to cart: Black Pepper [13:13]
Search: “evil ice” [13:13]
----
“why does ice float” [13:17]
“how dense am i” [13:21]
How Dense Are You? – uQuiz [13:22]
You Are Unapologetically Dense – uQuiz [13:37]
“how dense am i compared to water” [13:38]
“how dense is air” [13:39]
“what if air was more dense than water” [13:44]
So I have a crazy DnD idea… – Quora [13:46]
----
*Private Messaging: Helsknight*
[14:04] knight in dull armor: Can you bring some drinks as well
[14:04] the superior sibling: of course
[14:05] knight in dull armor: Thank you
[14:05] the superior sibling: anytime
[read 14:05]
----
Instacart
Item added to cart: Ice [14:09]
Search: “evil drinks” [14:10]
Item added to cart: 1 Liter Coke-Cola [14:14]
Item added to cart: 1 Liter Pepsi [14:14]
Item added to cart: 6 Pack Root Beer [14:18]
Item added to cart: 24 Pack Water [14:21]
Checkout [14:23]
----
Nord VPN
Set Current Server Location [14:24]
Set to Hypixel [14:25]
----
YikYak
Joining “Hypixel University” Campus [14:25]
New Post [14:27]
Posting “heard there was free beer at the bedwars frat if you snuck past the guard” to Hypixal University [14:31]
----
*Private Messaging: Helsknight*
[14:34] knight in dull armor: Stop messing with HU kids on yikyak
[14:34] the superior sibling: no
[14:35] the superior sibling: wait why are you also on hu yikyak
[read 14:35]
----
*Private Messaging: Welsknight*
[14:35] x’s younger sibling: hels is on yikyak again
[14:39] hels’s older brother: Thank you for letting me know. I though I blocked him from downloading it.
[14:43] hels’s older brother: I just realized that he’s currently setting up for the party, so that means you are not with him. How did you know he was on again?
[14:43] x’s younger sibling: no comment
[14:43] hels’s older brother: Yes comment.
[read 14:44]
----
*Private Messaging: XisumaVoid*
[14:48] xoomy: Why are you on YikYak again? You better not be spreading misinformation.
[14:48] xandy: shut upppppp
[14:51] xoomy: Don’t make me come over there.
[14:52] xandy: go away go away go away
[14:54] xoomy: Don’t burn down the house when you cook. I’m making lasagna and cake, and I won’t be able to come over if there’s another toaster incident.
[14:55] xandy: it wasn’t my fault they banned me from the smart toaster
[14:59] xoomy: We can debate faults later. Just don’t do anything stupid please. Just this once.
[15:00] xandy: [sent attachment: perhaps.png]
[15:01] xoomy: Love you too. See you at the potluck.
[read 15:01]
----
*Private Messaging: Zedaph*
[15:03] worm-y-man: got to Wikipedia and click ‘random article’
[15:03] ex-y: okay?
[15:04] worm-y-man: now keep clicking the first hyperlink until you get to the page on philosophy
[15:04] ex-y: okay…
[read 15:04]
----
“wikipedia” [15:05]
“wikipedia random article” [15:05]
Fountainhead (yacht) – Wikipedia [15:06]
Yacht – Wikipedia [15:06]
Sail – Wikipedia [15:06]
Tensile Structure – Wikipedia [15:07]
Structural Engineering – Wikipedia [15:07]
Civil Engineering – Wikipedia [15:07]
Regulation and Licensure in Engineering – Wikipedia [15:07]
Occupational Licensing – Wikipedia [15:08]
Regulation – Wikipedia [15:08]
Complex System – Wikipedia [15:08]
System – Wikipedia [15:08]
Open System (Systems Theory) – Wikipedia [15:09]
Isolated System – Wikipedia [15:09]
Outline of Physical Science – Wikipedia [15:09]
Natural Science – Wikipedia [15:09]
Evidence – Wikipedia [15:09]
Proposition – Wikipedia [15:10]
Philosophy of Language – Wikipedia [15:10]
Philosophy – Wikipedia [15:10]
----
*Private Messaging: Zedaph*
[15:11] ex-y: got it
[15:12] worm-y-man: how many clicks did it take you?
[15:12] ex-y: hmm
[15:14] ex-y: eighteen
[15:15] worm-y-man: HA I got 5
[15:15] worm-y-man: cheers for 3d
[15:16] ex-y: what are you even talking about
[15:16] worm-y-man: just look up all Wikipedia roads lead to philosophy
[read 15:16]
----
“all roads lead to philosophy” [15:17]
“all wikipedia roads lead to philosophy” [15:19]
How One Small Change Broke Wikipedia's First Link Rule – Youtube [15:21]
----
*Private Messaging: Zedaph*
[15:42] ex-y: what the actual heck
[15:44] worm-y-man: I know right????
[read 15:44]
----
Youtube
The rarest move in chess [15:45]
Simulating the Evolution of Empathy [15:56]
Behavioral Analysis of Instant Gratification [16:12]
How to make an appealing thumbnail [16:21]
20 still nontoxic server roleplayers you can stan today! [16:29]
Creation of a Legend: Interviews with Mr and Mrs Tommyinnit [16:44]
----
Notification Wall
“make deviled eggs” – Alarm [17:00]
21 New Messages (#general, Helsmits Causing Chaos) – Discord [16:54]
Your order has been delivered – Instacart [16:51]
“refill med box reminder” – Alarm [16:30]
You might enjoy these posts! – Tumblr [16:27]
New images dropped, come check them out! – Paint By Number [16:21]
Clear skies for tomorrow predicted – Google [16:19]
“refill med box reminder” – Alarm [16:15]
New activity in “Helsmits” – Reddit [16:12]
Xisuma Void and 4 other mutuals posted – Instagram [16:02]
“refill med box” – Alarm [16:00]
Your therapy appointment has been confirmed for tomorrow – TeleHealth [14:45]
$44.10 has been charged to your account from Instacart – Truist [14:23]
Your community “Walmart Fights” has new posts – Facebook [13:10]
7 New Messages (#builds, Hermits) – Discord [10:43]
Last week you averaged 17 hours, 11 minutes of screen time per day on this device – Weekly Report [9:27]
----
Youtube
How to Make the Perfect Deviled Egg [17:01]
----
*Private Messaging: XisumaVoid*
[17:26] xoomy: Is that the fire alarm?
[17:27] xandy: no
[17:28] xoomy: You know what? Not my problem right now.
[read 17:28]
----
“how to put out a fire” [17:29]
“definition of arson” [17:37]
“are arsonists evil” [17:39]
“how to feed a fire” [17:44]
----
*Private Messaging: Helsknight*
[17:47] knight in dull armor: That bonfire better not be your dish again
[17:48] the superior sibling: don’t worry i managed to salvage it
[17:48] the superior sibling: it is actually quite good
[17:49] knight in dull armor: I’ll take it that you texting back means you’re doing okay
[17:50] the superior sibling: yes
[17:50] the superior sibling: just being evil
[17:52] knight in dull armor: Now get over here and help me finish setting up. I think we could finish in about 30 minutes
[17:52] the superior sibling: would you look at that i'm thirty minutes out
[17:53] knight in dull armor: You’re a jerk you know that
[17:54] the superior sibling: glad to be
[read 14:55]
----
“how to clean a kitchen evilly” [18:02]
“how to evilly hide burn marks” [18:09]
“how to cover smoke scent” [18:17]
“how to gaslight someone” [18:29]
Top 10 Ways to Gaslight a Loved One – Psychology Today [18:32]
----
Discord
#general, Helsmits Causing Chaos
See 150+ previous messages…
[18:30] Tr0th!!: Finally, we can be (gay) bees.
[18:30] ..Kn_ght..: Punkrock
[18:31] hUmAnclEO: no no h’es obviously twunk emo
[18:31] MakeSense: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly… [click to see full txt file]
[18:32] b4dt1m3s❀: “twunk”
[18:33] hUmAnclEO: puts the bee in beastiality
[18:34] ..Kn_ght..: WHAT
[18:34] Tr0th!!: HUMAN
[18:34] MakeSense: So... ya like jazz?
[18:35] r34lly v3ry 3v1l: hels we can finaly be bees
[18:35] ..Kn_ght..: Ex we can finally be bees
[18:36] Tr0th!!: The bee movie is capitalist propaganda.
[18:36] hUmAnclEO: omg gay bees
[18:37] MakeSense: The Lego Movie is Communist Propaganda
[18:37] ..Kn_ght..: NO
[18:37] ..Kn_ght..: NO
[18:37] ..Kn_ght..: I WILL NOT HAVE SLANDER ON THE LEGO MOVIE
[18:38] MakeSense: I'M NOT SAYING ITS BAD
[18:38] ..Kn_ght..: IT HAS BATMAN
[18:38] ..Kn_ght..: TAKE IT BACK
[18:38] MakeSense: YOU CANNOT DENY IT
[18:39] hUmAnclEO: [Attached: communist _flag.gif]
[18:39] ..Kn_ght..: IT IS A MASTERPIECE AND YOU SHALL RESPECT IT
[18:40] Tr0th!!: It's not even the beastiality part that pisses me off. He can talk. He's capable of sentient and sapeint thought. It's the fact that this is with the first human women he meets! It's so dumb! Why did he have to date a human woman??? Why couldn't it be the human man! Why did you have to shove a straight romance in a movie that didn't need one!
[18:42] r34lly v3ry 3v1l: well guys there’s true’s rant of the day
[18:42] r34lly v3ry 3v1l: good chat all
[18:43] hUmAnclEO: see you all at the potluck?
[18:43] ..Kn_ght..: Obviously
[18:44] r34lly v3ry 3v1l: yup
[18:44] MakeSense: yesh
[18:44] Tr0th!!: Yeah! I’m bringing a casserole!
[18:45] b4dt1m3s❀: sure
[18:46] r34lly v3ry 3v1l: heading over now
----
Spotify
Playlist “hels is doing an event or sm” now playing.
Barbie World (with Aqua) – Nicki Minaj… [18:52]
Journey To The Real World – Tame Impala [18:54]
Barbie Dreams (feat. Kaliii) – FIFTY FIFTY [18:55]
I’m Just Ken – Ryan Gosling [18:57]
Barbie Girl – Aqua [19:01]
…
----
Phone
[19:00] Incoming Call from hels the knight…
[19:00] Accepted Call.
{“Hey.”
“Hels, could this not have been a text?”
“Well, as you can probably hear, I am currently doing the dishes.”
“…”
“Just stop dillydallying on your way over here and get the drinks in here and in the cooler before I dump soap water in your helmet.”
“If you splash me, it will be the last thing you do.”
“Yeah yeah.”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“Thanks for hooking up the playlist, Ex. Still have no idea how you can do it from halfway across the server.”
“Happy to, but you will never learn my tricks. No party is good without the Barbie playlist.”
“Hey Blondie is still the best song.”
“Your days are numbered.”
“They already were.”
“…”
“…”
“I’m here.”
“Glad to have you.”
“Why is nobody else here?”
“Party actually starts at 7:30, I just asked everyone to say it was around seven so you’d come early and help me prepare.”
“…”
“…”
“That’s evil. I hate you.”
“Suck it up, butterc-”}
[19:08] Ended Call.
----
“how to evilly murder someone” [19:09]
“is murder evil” [19:12]
“is murder evil enough for revenge” [19:14]
“tattoo shops near me” [19:21]
“do tattoo shops tattoo someone unconscious” [19:23]
“are tattoo shops mandated to report kidnapping” [19:27]
“where to buy a tattoo needleoniojwbwbb” [19:30]
----
*Private Messaging: XisumaVoid*
[19:41] xandy: help me brother. hels is forcing me to interact with people
[19:43] xoomy: Oh no. What a tragedy. It’s not like I asked him to. Cross my heart.
[19:43] xandy: betrayal of the highest order
[19:44] xandy: i will remember this
[19:45] xoomy: I am so scared.
[read 19:45]
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*Private Messaging: XisumaVoid*
[20:01] xandy: have you tried my deviled eggs yet. theyre very good
[20:05] xoomy: Xisander, you are sitting right next to me. Why are you texting me?
[20:05] xandy: why are you replying
[read 20:06]
----
[20:28]
“The final count is in! That waaaaaaaas,” HumanCleo tapped her foot on the ground as she fiddled with her watch timer. Evil Xisuma had heard the group was preparing for a round of Karaoke or Drink, and without even being asked if they’d like to join, was already slipping out the back and speeding back home. “Almost an hour! They’re getting better!”
“Ha! Five diamonds, hand it over True,” Helsknight grinned with his sharp canines on full display, but none who saw took it as a threat, for it wasn’t. TrueSymmetry rolled her eyes but patted on her pants pockets and pulled out the aforementioned money. She paused suddenly before Hels could snatch it from her.
“Does the prep time count?” She narrowed her eyes, as if hoping the rules of their bet would change this one time and she could keep her money for once. When Hels shook his head, she cursed under her breath but loyally handed away the money.
“They really don’t stay for too long, do they?” MakeSense chuckled nervously, swirling the small ice cubes in his bottle of root beer, not looking anyone in the eyes.
“Believe it or not they used to leave much earlier. Staying even fifty-eight minutes is a huge sign of progress,” Xisuma chimed in, having much more of an in with the Helsmits compared to most of the other Hermits. He was the one who had taken to looking after his younger sibling when their final Hermitcraft Domination scheme fell to pieces at the end of Season 7.
Despite Ex’s continued insistence that his brother is a nascence, the short period between the scheme and them starting Derpcoin together was when the two really started to bond and grow closer. Is was because of that connection that Xisuma could recognize, below Ex’s gusto and sly selling tactics, they were lonely. He pressured them into creating some sort of group, an Xisuma-free place for them and their friends. Thus, the Helsmits were born, and their membership of Hermit-alternates and outcasts grew steadily since.
Both Xisuma and Helsknight, their best friend, could attest to how much better they seemed to be doing. They were texting back more often and more frequently, they actually answered calls, they were going outside sometimes, and even, on rare occasions, even dipping their hand back into evil shenanigans to mess with the Hermits (in a playful way, and though they never wavered when they said their true goal was to take over the server, everyone knew that the ideal had faded to a thing of the past).
“Next time will be at least an hour, I can feel it in my heart,” True shook her fist to the sky.
“I think you’re feeling it more in your pocketbook,” Human teased, and screeched when she was tackled for her efforts.
“I mean. Shouldn’t we count prep time as part of the total?” MakeSense cleared their throat so that their meek voice could be heard over the sounds of True and Human’s wrestling.
“No way,” Hels snorted, “That’s my time with them.”
“I’m still surprised they fall for the fake start every time.” True had managed to pin Human to the ground, straddling her hips and holding her wrists above her head as she continued to participate in the conversation. “It’s always thirty minutes. The party will always start every odd half hour. You’d think they’d have picked up on it by now?”
“They know,” Xisuma nodded, once, arms crossed, “I think they just want to spend some time with Hels.”
“Aww,” The knight in question cooed, placing a hand over the breast of his chest plate.
“I know I say it every time, but thank you for having their back,” Xisuma’s eyes crinkled, looking each of the assembled Helsmits in turn, “I don’t think they’d be as far as they are now without you. Certainly not with just the Hermits.” He was met with murmured ‘no problem’s and ‘he’s our friend too’s and ‘it’s really nothing’s.
‘WHAT ARE YOU ALL TALKING ABOUT?’ NPG seemed to appear out of this air besides MakeSense, who jumped and almost spilled his drink. ‘RUSTIC HOUSES?’
“We were actually about to go for a round of Karaoke or Drink,” Human responded, having managed to wiggle her way out of True’s grip and back to her feet. NPG studied her for a moment with his rarely changing expression.
‘THEN I SHALL JOIN! PERHAPS YOU HAVE A SONG ABOUT RUSTIC HOUSES?’
“You don’t get to choose the song, actually. The person before you does. You must either sing the entire thing or chug a bottle of carbonated water.”
‘THEN I SHALL GRAB GRIAN! HE WILL CERTAINLY BE UP FOR THE CHALLENGE!’
“Always is,” True laughed.