Chapter Text
It wasn’t the first time he’d had a hard time falling asleep, certainly wouldn’t be the last. And really, the most fucked up thing about it was that sleeping was a perfectly good solution - taking a few deep breaths, forcing his body to relax, more often than not it really did help. But hey, what’s that worth when helping yourself isn’t what you want?
(Then what is it you want?)
And that was the worst part, admitting to himself that he wanted someone to notice, to help him. The others always went and asked for it when they needed someone to take care of them, and it worked, him and Seokjin had made sure of that - had made sure that everyone felt comfortable enough to ask when they needed someone to take care of them, so why was he still laying in his bunk, shame crawling up his spine and taking over his every thought, unable to go get someone?
(Because you want to see if they notice, is that it? Notice that you’re gone, notice that you need them, notice how dependent you really are?)
The thought made him cringe, hard, a sudden wave of nausea fighting with his self-disgust about what should control him, and all Namjoon could do was scratch desperately at his scalp, trying to distract himself from the voice. He felt disgusted by what he knew was the truth, felt disgusted with himself to the very core. He wanted to scream, but something inside him strangled the sounds before they could come out.
(Because screaming would just be another way of asking them to notice you.)
He shook his head, kept shaking it, he didn’t want anyone to come, he truly didn’t, this was their break, they deserved it, as opposed to him, the ‘strong leader’ who couldn’t even follow his own advice, own up to his hurting and get someone. He was writhing on the bed, and he couldn’t stop, he was so horribly unable to do anything , because every option was bad. He didn’t want to stay, didn’t want to go, didn’t even want to get better-
(...until someone comes and notices you of course)
He was shaking his head, trying to rid himself of the thoughts that kept haunting him, by scratching, pulling, crying, anything.
Then he heard it, the sound of the door opening, and then his own breath becoming even more rigid, panicked thoughts flying around his head, too fast to do anything more than make his chest hurt even more, make his shaking worse, because this was no solution, this was only another set of horrible options.
(Horrible yes, but exactly what you wanted)
“Namjoon hyung?”
All he could do was whisper, willing him the younger to go away
(Willing him to come closer)
Jeongguk didn’t deserve this, Jeongguk was better than him, he knew how to deal, wasn’t greedy like Namjoon, wasn’t anything bad, he didn’t deserve this, he shouldn’t have to help me, he shouldn’t, he shouldn’t, he-
(Oh but you want him to)
There were hands tugging roughly at his own, forcing them out of the continuous motion of distracting Namjoon from his thoughts, and it was terrible, it was the worst thing that could have happened, because now the guilt was coming at him full force again and-
“Hyung stop and look up! Please, please just, it’s alright it really is, you can stop this, you can relax, it’s alright-”
And he wanted to, God, he did. Letting go was the only way to fix it, to get Jeongguk out, have him not spend anymore time trying to fix him when he didn’t deserve it.
“Hyung what’s happening, you need to tell me so I can help, please, just tell me!” There was desperation lacing the other’s voice, and Namjoon curled closer into himself, tugged at his hands still trapped in Jeongguk’s tight grip. He started to mumble instead, knowing it was to no avail, but seeing no other options.
“Go, please go I’m fine, you shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t help me, go have fun, find the others you don’t need me you don’t need anything, go be happy, go.”
Oh how pitiful he sounded, like he was just fishing for the attention, Jeongguk must think he was terrible, greedy, always greedy, if he could just get himself under control then Jeongguk would go...
“I’m not leaving alright, I wanna help you, and it’s alright because you deserve the help okay, you really, we all think you do, it’s alright-”
He wanted to believe, he really did. And more than that, he wanted to stay like this, wanted the guilt to go away so he could focus more on the attention he was being given.
The thought, and the truth of it made him sick.
Jeongguk, was still talking to him, trying to tell him that he wanted to help. Namjoon could only shake his head, could only cry, even when Jeongguk layed down next to him, letting go of his hands in order be able to hug Namjoon’s entire body against him.
“I want to help you hyung, I promise.”
With his entire being, Namjoon wanted to believe him.