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As Merlin sent Arthur off to Avalon, he sat on the edge of the lake and waited.
He stayed on the shores unable to leave, unable to say goodbye until Sir Percival had found him. Dear gentle Percy. And he and the big knight had cried together for Arthur and Gwaine and all their fallen friends. Percy had tried to make him come back to Camelot and Merlin promised that he would follow in a few days as Percy had left to tell the Queen of her husband’s death.
Still Merlin couldn’t leave. He sat and waited by the shores. A few days turned into a week, then a week into two, then a month had gone by and still Merlin waited as his sorrow consumed him.
After six weeks Sir Leon arrived. He bought Merlin food and he told him all the news of Camelot.
“Please come home.” Leon said. “The queen needs you Merlin, Gaius needs you. We all miss you Merlin. Arthur wouldn’t want you to pine away for him here alone.”
Merlin shook his head. “I can’t Leon. It’s not my home if he is not there. Please don’t make me.”
And then Leon started shouting at him.
“Do you think you are the only one hurting Merlin? Do you think you are the only one who cares?” he yelled as he pulled Merlin to his feet and made him look at him.
“I can’t believe how selfish you are being. We all loved him Merlin but life has to go on. We need to move forward and not waste all his good work.”
Merlin pulled away from Leon’s grip and for the first time let his anger at himself rip through him.
He clenched his fists to his side and told Leon what he was trying to ignore, what he was trying to keep from everyone including himself.
“It’s my fault.” He shouted as loud as his voice would let him. “I killed him Leon. How can I look Gwen in the eye when I know that I killed him.” he shouted.
Leon visibly relaxed as he looked at the shaking form in front of him and he rushed forward and pulled Merlin into his arms and held him tight as Merlin struggled against him.
“I don’t want your pity Leon,” he shouted, “didn’t you hear me; I told you it’s my fault. I killed him.”
“I can’t believe that Merlin, and if it is true, don’t you think you owe it to Gwen to tell her what happened.” Merlin stopped struggling and held on to the front of Leon’s tunic and buried his face against the Pendragon crest on his chest as Leon held him.
“Come home,” Leon said again. “Come home and stand trial for these apparent crimes. Let the Queen decide if you are guilty, then maybe you can both move on.”
Merlin looked at him, his face wet with tears and he saw that Leon was right. All he had to do was stand in front of the court and tell them all that he was a sorcerer. Then he would tell them how his mistakes and his alone, over the last ten years had led to Arthur’s death. The queen would have no choice but to sentence him to death. It meant he wouldn’t be around when Arthur returned but that might not be for a million years and he would be dead by then any way.
He nodded to Leon and they made their way back to Camelot only stopping for Merlin to return Excalibur to the stone that Arthur had once pulled it from. During their journey Merlin pin pointed the three biggest mistakes he had made that had ended in the battle at Camalan.
*
As he knelt in the throne room in front of the court and Queen Gweniviere he almost felt a peace come over him. Now everyone would know what he was. There would be no more hiding. He was just glad that he had already told Arthur.
“Sir Leon tells me that you have certain crimes you wish to confess to the court Merlin,” she said calmly, almost as if she were humouring him a small child. Merlin nodded. “Then proceed.” She said with a small encouraging smile on her lips.
Merlin took a deep breath and said;
“I am the sorcerer Emrys, the last of the dragon lords and I killed King Arthur Pendragon.”
There was a ripple of gasps from around the council chambers. A few people laughed at the idea of Merlin, Arthur’s bumbling servant being a great sorcerer but it was Gwen’s reaction that shocked Merlin the most as she smiled fondly at him.
“I know who you are Merlin.” She said kindly, “I’m afraid Gaius has filled me in with a few details. What I need to know is why it is that you think you killed Arthur, the man you have spent the last ten years protecting and guiding. The man who was your best friend. Tell me that Merlin.”
Merlin nearly lost his composure, not just because Gwen already knew who he was but because she had acknowledged that they were indeed friends in front of the whole court and not just master and servant. He felt tears prickle at the back of his eyes and he took another deep breath.
“Many years ago,” he began, trying to make his voice sound clear and calm, “there was a small druid boy that came to Camelot with his father. His father was killed and the boy injured. I helped him escape the guards and the Lady Morgana helped me to look after him. I was warned by the great dragon Kilgarrah, that Uther held captive beneath the castle that the boy would one day be Arthur’s down fall.”
Merlin felt the first tear fall down his cheek as he continued his story.
“He warned me not to let the boy live, but he was just a boy, I thought the dragon was wrong. I thought I knew better even though the dragon was adamant and I helped Arthur let him escape. I thought that the boy would be grateful to the prince for saving him. I thought that even if he did mean to kill Arthur in the future that I would have time to stop it. I was wrong, I was so wrong. It was that boy, Mordred that delivered the mortal blow that… killed…our King, as it was foretold.”
Merlin took a breath. He tried to keep from crying in earnest but a gasping sob came from his throat as he held a hand over his mouth to try to keep himself quiet.
“Merlin,” Gwen said, trying not to crumble in front of the council “You cannot blame yourself for saving a boy who may or may not have been going to kill the king….”
“I haven’t finished.” Merlin said stopping Gwen mid-sentence. “There is so much more.”
His knees were starting to hurt as he knelt on the hard wooden floor but he didn’t care. Gwen nodded to him to continue, not trusting her voice to speak.
“There was a man,” Merlin said, through his tears “He came to Gaius asking for help. He had two parts of a key and needed the third which was held in the castle vaults. He said it was the key to finding a dragon egg. An egg hidden and locked away so that it would never be found without the three parts of the key. Gaius being a much wiser man than me refused to help, but again thinking I knew better, I helped the man and we stole the final part. He said we would find the egg together. He said he would set it free, but he had lied to me and wanted to keep the dragon for himself, he wanted the power and glory of owning a dragon. Arthur and I and the knights followed and I let the man die so that I could get the egg. I lied to Arthur; I said it had been lost, destroyed as the tower that housed it collapsed. Then I brought it here to Camelot and I, as the last dragon lord, called it forth. I gave it a name so that it could live. I left it in the care of Kilgarrah but somehow Morgana befriended it. It was no mortal sword that Mordred used to kill Arthur. If it had been I may have been able to save him, but it was a sword forged in a dragon’s breath.”
Merlin stopped again, overcome with sorrow as his shoulders shook and his tears flowed.
“If I hadn’t been so selfish Morgana couldn’t have made that sword. I just wanted it to be free. I wanted it to be able to take to the skies and fly as it was meant to. I didn’t want it to be locked in a tower until the end of time. I wanted Kilgarrah to not be alone, to not be the last of his kind.” He said choking on the words.
The room was silent for a moment apart from Merlin’s sobs. Until Leon spoke up.
“But Merlin,” he said softly, “You just said yourself that it was Morgana that made the sword, it was Morgana who gave it to Mordred and it was Morgana who raised the army. It wasn’t you that killed Arthur. It was Morgana.”
There were a few murmurs of assent around the room.
“He is right Merlin,” Gwen said, but Merlin just shook his head.
“You don’t understand,” Merlin said, “Please just let me finish before you pass judgement.”
He took another breath and started again.
“I was once shown a vision in the crystal cave. It showed that Morgana was going to kill Uther with a knife that Arthur gave her for her birthday. I saw what she was going to do and I tried to stop her but she fell down the stairs and hit her head.” He stopped again for a quick breath.
“I was horrified,” he continued. “I never wanted to hurt her; I only wanted to stop her. I couldn’t let her kill the King. There was nothing Gaius could do and she lay dying. All those that loved her were heartbroken but they didn’t know what she had become. They didn’t know that she was working with Morgause against Camelot, but I knew and I knew I should let her die. But I couldn’t stand the pain that was tearing Uther and Arthur and you apart Gwen. So yet again I went to Kilgarrah and he forbade me to help. He said I was sealing Arthurs fate if I let the witch live. I was so angry with him. He kept calling her witch, but she was my friend. She was my friend and I couldn’t let her die. And I made him, I commanded him to help me and he had no choice. And I saved her.” Merlin sobbed as the tears streamed down his face. “and in doing so I sealed Arthurs fate just as the dragon said. But I thought I could put it right, I thought there would be time. I didn’t think it was all set in stone. I thought that destinies could be re written. But through all my failings, I let Arthur die.”
Gwen went to speak again but Merlin just kept on talking. He had forgotten there was a room full of people. He didn’t realise that his feet were completely numb and his knees hurting.
“Then before the battle, Morgana found a way to take away my magic. I was so scared. I felt so helpless. I had to go and get it back before I could join you at Camalan. If I had just got back quicker. If I had found Mordred sooner, but he had already stabbed Arthur by the time I found them. If I could have got Arthur to Avalon faster he would have been saved. I let him down Gwen, he was my friend and I let him down. He died in my arms and there was nothing I could do to save him.”
Merlin fell forward on to his forearms and as his head touched the ground he just cried.
All of those in the council chambers who believed that all magic was evil saw that they had been wrong. As the young sorcerer poured his heart out in front of the council, they saw that there was not an evil thought in his head. He thought he was sealing his death sentence but all he was doing was saving himself and saving Camelot from its hatred of magic. Even though he had told them of all his mistakes, they couldn’t blame him and they certainly couldn’t hate him. They all knew merlin and knew he wasn’t evil. All they saw was a young man who loved his king and who had tried so hard to do the right thing. None of them could question his motives.
And as Merlin sobbed for his dead king, there was hardly a dry eye in the room.
Gwen wiped her eyes and stood up. She squared her shoulders and spoke in a clear calm voice.
“Merlin,” she said, “I thank you for your honesty but you are wrong. Morgana is the only one to blame for Arthur’s death.”
Merlin looked up at her and shook his head.
“No” he said and was going to say more but Gwen stopped him.
“I, Queen Guinevere of Camelot,” she said “Do hear by give Merlin of Ealdor a full pardon for his crimes of sorcery. From this day forward he shall be free to practice magic and shall have the full protection of the crown.”
Merlin knelt up with a look of horror on his face.
“No,” he shouted, “You cannot do this. You cannot pardon me. I will not allow it.”
One of the senior councillors, Lord Roderick stood up and cleared his throat. Merlin suddenly remembered that they were not alone and turned towards the old man.
“The Queen has spoken young man.” He said, “There is nothing you can do about it.”
And Merlin knew he was right. There was nothing he could do unless he wanted to commit treason, but this was Gwen. He looked around the hall and where he was expecting to see fear and loathing, he saw only admiration and hope.
He shook his head again and said quietly, “Please Gwen.” But he didn’t really know what he was asking for.
Gwen looked around the room until she found Gaius.
“Gaius, would you be as kind to escort Merlin to his room please.”
“Of course your highness” Gaius replied, walking to Merlin’s side. Merlin hadn’t realised Gaius had been there but right now he could not have been more pleased to see him.
“Gaius,” he whispered as the old man helped him to his feet.
“Come on my boy,” he said gently as he led Merlin from the room. Merlin was exhausted and could hardly walk but Gaius managed to hold him up enough to make a dignified exit.
“I thought I would be executed.” Merlin said as they walked away from the chambers.
“I know,” said Gaius. “So did I.” he laughed softly.
“I wanted to be executed” Merlin said.
“I know,” said Gaius.
“What am I going to do Gaius?” he asked forlornly.
“You are going to live my boy.” Gaius said as he sat Merlin down on his little bed.
The old man knelt down and took Merlin’s boots off then helped him off with his jacket as Merlin sat quietly. He felt numb.
Gaius went to the main room and came back with a beaker of water and a small glass bottle. He handed him the water first and told him to drink. Merlin hadn’t realised how thirsty he was and he gulped it down.
“Now drink this.” He said giving Merlin the small bottle.
“What is it?” Merlin asked.
“It will help you sleep.” Gaius said.
“I don’t want to sleep Gaius.”
“I know, but it will make you feel better.”
“But I don’t want to feel better.”
“I know,” Gaius replied “But I want you to feel better Merlin, please drink it. For me.”
So Merlin did and as Gaius gently made him lie down, Merlin fell asleep for the first time since he had lost his best friend.
Merlin slept solidly for five days and woke up feeling weak and numb. He staggered out to the main room where Gaius was making breakfast. As he looked up and smiled at Merlin, Merlin realised how old and worn out he was looking. He finally saw how Camallan had taken it out of all of them. Gaius had brought Arthur into the world and had been with him his whole life and now he was gone.
Merlin's plan was to leave Camelot as soon as possible but he couldn’t leave Gaius, so he stayed. He stayed nearly, exclusively by Gaius side and if Merlin got on the old man’s nerves he never let on.
Gwen lifted the ban on magic and tried to make Merlin court sorcerer but he refused. She would often call Merlin to her chambers and make him tell her of all the times he saved Arthur and Camelot. Merlin hated talking about it but it seemed to help Gwen so he did.
About a year after Camallan, Gaius died. He was old and as Merlin did everything he could to save him, Gaius took his hand in his.
“I am old and worn out,” he said to Merlin, “Please let me die.” And Merlin could deny the old man nothing so he sat quietly with him until Gaius took his last shuddering breath.
Merlin felt the second piece of his heart break away.
Merlin packed after the funeral and went to say his goodbyes to Gwen. She was doing so well as Queen and Merlin was pleased to see Leon was always by her side.
“I knew you would leave once Gaius was gone,” she said to him, “But please reconsider. Please stay Merlin.”
But Merlin just shook his head.
“I will always be here if Camelot needs me,” he told her, “but I cannot live here anymore. I want to travel, I want to search out other magic users and learn what I can from them. I want to be better at healing. I can bring down the skies and draw power from the land, I can create and I can destroy, but I am truly rubbish at healing.” he said with a sad smile. He also wanted to look for Arthur. He never told anyone that Kilgarrah said Arthur would return. He kept that secret to himself. He didn’t want anyone else’s life to be ruined waiting for him.
So they hugged and he left.
But Merlin was true to his word. He was always there when he was needed. Gwen both looked forward to his visits and hated them as it always meant there would be trouble. He never stayed long after the danger was over and returned to the search for his King.
During this time his mum died and the next piece of his heart broke away.
In time Gwen married Leon and ten years after Arthur died, she gave birth to a baby boy. They called the baby Arthur in memory of the late King and Merlin wondered if it was him and he rushed to Camelot as soon as he heard the news.
Gwen was so pleased to see him and placed the baby in his arms. As he held the tiny bundle he knew it wasn’t Arthur. He could tell straight away.
He had never held a baby before and he fell instantly in love. As the baby wiggled and poked its tiny tongue out, Merlin laughed and Gwen looked at Leon and cried. It was the first time she had heard Merlin laugh since a long time before Arthur’s death.
This time Merlin stayed. He played with the baby and as he grew he taught him to read and to write as Leon taught him to fight and to lead. Merlin became his unofficial mentor and would tell him tales about the great king Arthur and his undervalued servant. He would always play up Arthur’s roles in the adventures and the boy grew up wanting to be just like him. When questioned, Merlin would say he stuck around to stop the boy growing into an arrogant prat like his name-sake.
Over time Merlin took up a place in court. He sat beside Gwen at the round table and became unofficial court sorcerer and though he still waited for the hole in his heart to be filled with the return of his king, Merlin was almost content.
As the years rolled on Merlin realised that as those around him were aging, he was not and people started to comment, so he used Leon as a guide and gradually allowed himself to age as Leon did.
Then Leon died and yet again there was nothing Merlin could do to save him, though he tried. Another piece of Merlin’s heart broke away and he wondered how much more of it there was left.
Gwen seemed to give up herself after Leon died and she wasted away and died not long after. Merlin felt that his heart was now almost too small to beat.
Though King Arthur II was young, barely twenty, he had good men around him and he had Merlin so still the realm flourished.
But then a sickness swept through the land and young Arthur became gravely ill and Merlin yet again found himself powerless to save the young king. As he laid on his sick bed with Merlin, and his most trusted knight and advisor, Sir Thomas, Arthur reminded Merlin of a story the sorcerer had once told him.
“The sword in the stone,” he said weakly, “Didn’t you once tell me that the true King of Camelot would be able to pull it from the stone? That your Arthur did it?”
Merlin didn’t have the heart to tell him that he had made the whole thing up to give his Arthur confidence and that it was he himself who had put the sword there and he who had released it for Arthur.
“Yes my lord,” Merlin said quietly as he replaced the damp cloth on the dying king’s forehead with a fresh one.
“Then my last decree is that whoever can pull the sword from the stone shall be king. Anyone who wishes is to be given a chance to try. Young or old, rich or poor and if a king from a neighbouring land succeeds then he is to be given Camelot. All the court and Knights must swear fealty to whoever holds the sword.”
Merlin did have to admit that it was quite a good idea of young Arthur’s. It would give Camelot time to sort its self out. It would stop rival kings attacking straight away as they would try their hand at the sword first. So a document was drawn up and signed and witnessed and sealed just as the king drew his last breath.
Merlin’s whole world fell apart.
He stayed because he didn’t really know what else to do. He wandered around the walls of the city just looking, searching and waiting for his king to ride over the draw bridge.
Sir Thomas who had been given the role of regent until a new king could be found called Merlin to his chambers one evening.
“I can see you are not happy here Merlin,” Thomas had said, “I wonder if I could ask you to go to the stone. I would like you to be the one to welcome any successful candidate and bring them back to the citadel.”
As Merlin couldn’t think of anything else to do with himself he agreed and left the next day.
The challenge was turning out to be very popular. People were coming from far and wide to have a go and it proved to be a good distraction for Merlin, if nothing else.
He found he enjoyed sitting on the bank and watching as people queued up to take their turn. Everyone knew that he was the old white haired sorcerer from Camelot and he was treated well and with great respect. People would bring him food and were always making sure he was comfortable. He found he enjoyed telling small children (and anyone else who wanted to listen) tales of magic and monsters and kings from long ago.
Then one morning he awoke with a strange feeling in his chest. As he emerged from his little tent into the weak early morning sun, he knew Arthur was on his way. He wasn’t sure if it would be that day but he knew it would be soon. He just had to be patient. Arthur would come.
Merlin didn’t know if Arthur would look like his Arthur or if he would be in a new body. He hoped he would be exactly the same. He knew that he would know him even if he had a new face. He took to wandering amongst the groups of people arriving or standing behind the stone as people took their turns, then he could see the people in the queue as they waited for their chance to be king.
A few days after he awoke to the feeling in his chest, Merlin was standing in his favourite spot watching the queue. There had been great excitement that morning as a group of impressive looking knights had arrived from a kingdom far to the north. Each knight was waiting their turn with their squire behind them. As each knight failed their squire would take their turn before moving off.
As Merlin studied the waiting knights he saw a blonde head bob out from behind one of the knights and as the knight turned around to speak to the boy, there he was.
Merlin felt his heart swell and fill his chest. It was so full he thought it would burst through his rib cage and he could hardly breathe.
It was Arthur. He was tiny, but it was defiantly Arthur. He must have been about ten or eleven years old and was obviously not fed overly well. His clothes hung on his skinny frame and he had a look of wariness about him.
Merlin couldn’t take his eyes off him. He looked like a scared rabbit. He was saying something to his knight that Merlin didn’t catch. The knight laughed and pushed him in front of him. It was nearly their turn and Merlin heard the knight say to him, “You go first Art, show us all how it’s done” as he ruffled Arthur’s hair. Arthur twisted round and gave the knight a very familiar glare that made Merlin laugh as tears prickled in the back of his eyes.
Then it was Arthur’s turn and he stepped up nervously. As someone put the box down that they were using for small people, Arthur’s eyes met Merlin’s and Merlin froze. There was no recognition in the boy’s eyes at all and Merlin felt his heart stutter a little.
Then as Arthur’s hand closed around the hilt of the sword he gave a little gasp as a golden light began swirling round his hand. A sudden stillness came over the waiting crowd as all eyes were on the small boy.
Merlin thought he would have to use his magic to release the sword as he had done before, but the sword new his master and all Merlin needed to do was watch in awe with the rest of the crowd.
Arthur gripped the sword and he took a deep breath and pulled. The sword came away as if he was pulling it from a chunk of cheese as the golden light engulfed his small body.
The whole crowd looked on in awe and amazement and slowly people began to kneel as Arthur held the sword above his head, just as he had done all those years ago. Everyone knew that the new King of Camelot had been chosen and most instantly accepted this young boy as their new sovereign.
“Long live the king.” Someone shouted and a chorus of chanting came from the crowd as they cheered for the new king.
As the golden light faded and Arthur lowered the sword, he suddenly turned and looked at Merlin and then just as suddenly he was running. He tucked the sword into his belt which dragged along the floor as he ran, and threw himself into Merlin’s arms.
“It’s me Merlin.” He cried as Merlin caught him “It’s me, it’s Arthur. I remember, I remember Merlin. I have come back.” And Merlin wrapped his arms round his small king and hugged him tight.
“I know, sire,” he said quietly “I missed you.”
Arthur pulled back a little to look up at his sorcerer.
“You are such a girl Mer-lin,” Arthur laughed and Merlin couldn’t help but to laugh with him “And you are a clotpole my lord.” Merlin replied as they hugged each other again.
As their laughter subsided Merlin heard Arthur say in a small voice, “Thank you for waiting for me Merlin.”
Merlin felt like the happiest man alive.
*
Arthur rode into Camelot at the front of a huge procession. They had been followed back by hordes of people and were joined on the way by more. The streets were full of even more people and were decorated with bunting and flowers and his people were cheering.
Merlin was by his side and it felt like old times. This was the hero’s welcome he would get when returning from defeating some beast or other. He was glad to be home, where he belonged.
Though Arthur was happy, it was hard. He missed everyone. He missed Gwen and Gaius and all his knights, he missed young stable hands and even grumpy Geoffrey from the library. At least Merlin was there.
It was also hard having all King Arthur’s memories and experience trapped in the body of a young boy who had only ever held a sword to give it to his knight. He sometimes got so frustrated with himself. His mind new how to fight, but his young muscles were yet to develop the strength and wouldn’t do what he wanted them to. But Merlin was always there with encouraging words.
Though everyone accepted him it was hard to convince them that he knew what he was talking about. Though his advisors tried to treat him like a king and not a small child, he often found them contradicting him. He would get angry though he tried not to. There were rumours that he was King Arthur reincarnated but no-one really knew if he was and Arthur himself stayed quiet about it.
He hadn’t been on the throne long when the new king of Mercia decided to attack and take Camelot for himself. It was the best thing that could happen as Arthur was struggling with command.
Though he had the body of a child he had the mind of a brilliant tactician and warrior. Camelot still had an army of knights that any kingdom would be jealous of. They also had Merlin, the most powerful sorcerer in all of Albion and Arthur knew how to use them all to the best of their advantage.
Arthur drew up plans and gave orders with such authority, an authority that just oozed from him now he was in his element. Merlin was so proud to see the Knights and advisors responding as they would have done all those years ago and through Arthurs command they easily defeated the foolish king.
It made the whole of Camelot stand up and believe in their new young king. He had proved himself worthy of the title of King and protector. From that day on things got easier for the young boy.
Arthur trained hard. He worked his young body every day. He trained with the knights and forbade them to show him any mercy. As he grew, he grew strong and lean and he started to look like the man Merlin had first met all those years ago.
Merlin didn’t realise it but as Arthur grew older, he began to get younger. The change was so gradual and Merlin hadn’t noticed it himself. Then one day at super Arthur looked up at him and said “Merlin I swear you are looking younger. When did your hair get so dark again?”
Merlin was taken aback and held out his hands to study them. Sure enough they were no longer an old man’s hands. Arthur stood up to fetch a mirror and handed it to his sorcerer who gingerly looked at himself. It wasn’t something he often did and sure enough it was a younger version of himself that looked back. He was about the same age as Leon had been when he started to age himself.
“Sorry, Sire,” he said “I didn’t realise I was doing it.” And he began to get older again.
“No Wait Merlin,” Arthur said, “I like it, please don’t stop.” And Merlin could deny Arthur nothing so carried on as he had been.
By the time Arthur was 18, Merlin looked the same as he had when Arthur had first met him, Arthur watched Merlin as they made preparations for the Kings Birthday banquet and decided that tonight was the night.
After the feast, Merlin escorted his king back to his chambers as he usually did. Arthur had given his current servant the night off to enjoy the festivities and as they entered the room Merlin slipped effortlessly into his old role. He lit the candles and turned down the bed and just as he was searching through Arthur’s wardrobe for clean night wear Arthur spoke up.
“You don’t have to do that Merlin,” He said.
Merlin looked over and smiled at him, “I know” he said as he laid the night wear on the bed.
“Can we talk?” Arthur asked as he went and sat on the end of his bed next to where Merlin had laid the clothes.
“What do you want to talk about sire?” Merlin asked as he pottered around the room tidying up as he went.
“Camallan,” Arthur said and Merlin froze as a shiver went down his spine. They had discussed everything from the past. There were no longer secrets between them but they didn’t often discuss those last few days of Arthur’s past life.
Merlin turned to Arthur and said, “We have had such a lovely day, do we have to spoil it now?”
“It’s my birthday Merlin,” Arthur replied smiling. “Indulge me.”
“Fine” said Merlin and he slunk down into a chair by the table. Someone had left a jug of watered wine and two goblets and Merlin filled one and took a swig. He held it out to Arthur who joined him at the table and drank from the goblet before handing it back.
“That night,” Arthur started. “I didn’t mean ‘thank you’. I mean I did but that’s not what I wanted to say.” He shifted in his chair a little as he held Merlin’s gaze. “What I wanted to say Merlin was that… was that” and taking a deep breath he said what he had wanted to say the day he met Merlin.
“I love you.”
Merlin’s eyes grew wide.
“Why didn’t you?” he asked quietly.
“Because,” Arthur said, “there was so much more to say that I didn’t have the strength for and because I didn’t know if you would want to hear it. I didn’t know if it would help. I was dying and didn’t have to live with the consequences. You had to live and I didn’t know if you felt the same.”
Merlin's mouth had gone dry and he took another swig of the wine. His heart was pounding in his chest and he wanted to hear more.
“What else would you have said if you had the strength.” He asked quietly wondering if Arthur would tell him now after all these years.
Arthur smiled, his own heart beating heavily in his chest. This was it, he was finally going to tell Merlin how he felt.
“I wanted to tell you that I loved you from that day in the market place. That day when you stood up to me, even though you knew who I was. You were so rude. It was brilliant and the way you smiled at me made my stomach flip.” He smiled again at the memory.
“But,” he continued, “I was the prince of Camelot and heir to the throne. I was expected to marry and have an heir of my own. Princes aren’t supposed to fall in love with common urchins and certainly not male ones.” He looked up at Merlin and said, “No offence,”
“None taken,” Merlin said.
“So I buried it,” he said “I ignored my feelings but it was so hard, Merlin, you are so dammed beautiful. But you brightened every day and I never wanted to be apart from you and the only way I could cope was being horrible to you. Pushing you away, but I was so glad you never left.”
Arthur took a breath and Merlin went to say something but Arthur held up his hand to stop him,
“Please let me finish,” he said, “I have waited a long time and I need to explain my actions to you. I married Gwen because I was expected to marry someone. Don’t get me wrong Merlin, I loved her but not as much as I loved you. And do you know the things I loved about her most were the things that reminded me of you. The way she stood up to me. She wouldn’t tell me what she thought I wanted to hear and she would put me in my place.
The thing is Merlin” he continued “I always thought there would be time. I always thought we could sort something out. I always thought that someday I would be able to tell you and we could be together. I thought that one day I would be able to take you to my bed and never let you go. But I never knew if you felt the same. Sometimes I thought you did and I’m sorry if now I have ruined everything between us but I still want you Merlin.”
And there it was said. There was no going back. His mouth was dry and he felt sick. If he had ruined their friendship then he would just have to try and work something out.
Merlin was watching him intently and for once Arthur found he couldn’t read him. He needed to know what was going on in his mind.
“I’m afraid it wasn’t the same for me Arthur,” Merlin said at long last and Arthur’s heart sank.
“I hated you on that first day in the market place. I hated everything you stood for and I couldn’t believe that I was lumbered with working for you.”
Arthur looked down at his hands and tried to hold back tears as Merlin continued.
“But that first morning when I brought you your breakfast, you were sound asleep and you looked golden in the early morning sun. You looked so perfect and I think I fell a little bit in love with you then.”
Arthur looked up at him and Merlin was smiling. “You were still a prat mind,” he said “but as I got to know you Arthur, I started falling a little bit further each day.”
Merlin slipped from his chair and knelt on the floor in front of Arthur and rested his hands on Arthur’s knees as he looked up at his king. Arthur held out a hand and gently brushed his thumb over Merlin’s cheek bone. It was an action he fought against every day and it was such a relief to be able to finally do it.
“But” Merlin continued, “the moment that I knew I loved you and would do anything for you was when you tried to take that poisoned goblet off me. I could see that you really didn’t want me to drink it and I knew then that I would happily die for you and I’m sorry Arthur but I’m afraid I am going to have to kiss you now”
Stretching up he brushed his lips against Arthur’s and Arthur gave a small groan as his eyes slid shut and he leant in further against Merlin’s warm, soft lips. Arthurs hand came up a curled around the back of Merlin’s neck gently pulling him closer as Merlin's hands slid up Arthur’s legs and rested on Arthur’s waist.
They poured decade’s worth of held back emotions into that kiss as it gradually changed from a sweet gentle kiss to a hot urgent passionate one. It wasn’t long before Arthur led Merlin to his bed and Merlin gave him the best birthday present he had ever had.
After that night they never slept alone again.
They ruled side by side and the whole of Camelot flourished and over time they did indeed unite all of Albion. They forged alliances and brought peace to the land.
They grew old together but unfortunately Arthur couldn’t live forever.
His body eventually gave up and as he lay dying in the bed he and Merlin had shared, Merlin held his hand and smiled down at his beautiful king. Even as an old man, Merlin could see Arthurs beauty and he still shone in Merlin’s eyes.
“Wait for me?” Arthur said.
Merlin shook his head as he climbed up beside Arthur to hold him in his arms. He couldn’t wait again. He couldn’t live without Arthur and he had no intention even trying.
“Not this time Arthur,” he said. “If destiny hasn’t finished with us yet it will just have to work out another way to bring us together.”
Arthur nodded and closed his eyes as he wrapped his arms round his friend, lover, sorcerer and they took their last breath together.
When the court physician came in later, it took him a while to work out who the slender, dark haired, young man was who's body was entwined with the dead king.
The end
or is it?