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Anxiety is the loudest voice you will ever hear. When it comes, it lodges itself inside and is suddenly engrained deep, deep in your bones. It feels like you’re made out of doubt and fear, like it’s the only thing that ever was and ever will be, like drowning on land. It feels like dying.
It can conjure itself out of thin air. It can be on the couch at home, on public transport, in the street, hanging out with just about anyone. All it takes is a thought that spirals into an unwanted memory which results in dilated eyes, a quickening of breath and a stiff posture. You’re suddenly acutely aware of your bones and lungs, completely subjected to the current state you find yourself in.
Natasha hated it so much. She knew that it’s one of those things that people go into therapy for and get pills prescribed, but she also knew that wasn’t something she wanted to do. Her body would not be subjected to drugs to alter her mind ever again. She was in control, even when she wasn’t. Because she decided not to be in control. That’s what she told herself, at least.
People usually didn’t notice when it hit her. She’d wait for it to pass, then stand up and leave like her lungs hadn’t just felt like they were being squeezed by a boa constrictor. Clint would sometimes give her a weird look when she left, but generally she could hash out her problems in peace. Which was her preferred method.
She’d been dealing with it continuously throughout the evening. Natasha had been reading a report on her Starkpad with the TV running in the background, which she found herself doing a lot of the time. Having background noise seemed to stave off the worst of her thoughts.
Then she read something that reminded her of the winter, which reminded her of the cold, which reminded her of her cell in Russia. And how fucked up she was. And then the feeling was over her in an instant. Her joints locked and she was stuck.
Her thoughts kept racing. The question of why, how and why, why, why again. Why did it have to be her. Why did it have to be her. It could be anyone, but the world chose her. To deal with this, to experience her past, to end up like this. A useless, anxiety ridden, emotionally unavailable loner.
When it was over her mind felt completely blank. She put down the Starkpad, which she’d held in a cramp-like hold, and headed for her bedroom.
There was an assortment of Little clubs in the city, and the one she liked most was open tonight. She hadn’t planned on going, but now it felt like the only way she could possibly spend her night. She was done with these anxiety attacks.
She packed her things in the blue backpack with the polar bears on it. She had an assortment of diapers, but tonight she felt like the cloth prefold ones. They made her feel impossibly young and innocent, and overall she preferred the feel of them. She put them in her bag along with some diaper pins and other things.
****
The walk to and from the subway stop helped making her feel littler, the buildings were so tall and everything was loud. She held her backpack in her lap on the subway cart, looking at a little girl sitting next to her caregiver. The girl chatted happily and swung her feet back and forth, she didn’t look like she’d ever feel bad like Natasha did.
A couple of people smiled kindly at her, noticing her backpack and slightly widened eyes. She looked away, feeling shy and hoping they didn’t think she was being rude. It was just really hard to face people when she was little. Especially strangers.
Sometimes when she’d been very little in public, people had asked her where her mommy or daddy was. She’d looked away and said she didn’t have one. The people would look sad, apologize and leave or offer to buy her ice cream. They’d be really nice and she hoped they would stay with her longer since it was really nice to have someone to talk to. But eventually they’d split.
Once at the club, she slipped into the bathroom to change. Putting herself in the prefold was tricky, but she managed. She had packed one of her favorite dresses, with thin grey and black stripes and a high waist in a light cotton fabric. It didn’t scream little girl, but she felt really small while wearing it. She slipped it on over her diaper and put her hair in a ponytail with her favorite scrunchie that looked like a puppy dog. Finally she picked up Puck, her plush gorilla, out of her bag. He always helped her out when she was feeling sad.
***
It wasn’t as loud as it usually was at the club, it being a little bit later in the evening. Littles with caregivers were probably at home and tucked in bed by now. A few littles were scattered around the playroom, some getting attention from one of the minders that was employed by the club.
One of the minders smiled at her and she looked down at her toes, bare and pale. The coloring table was unoccupied, so she put Puck down in front of her and got out a blank page. She decided to draw an island. With a forest and mountains. They weren’t so beautiful on the paper, but she imagined they were. And it was always sunrise there. Cause it’s so pretty.
“Natasha? I didn’t know you came here.” Natasha looked up at the familiar voice. She swallowed a lump in her throat she hadn’t known was there, feeling tinier than ever as Maria Hill kneeled next to her.
She’d met the Director before, of course, but they didn’t have a personal relationship. Beyond mission briefs they were friendly at best. And Director Hill had definitely never met Little Tasha before.
When Natasha stayed quiet and increased her grip on her pencil, Maria looked down at the drawing on the table. “That’s a really cool drawing. Can you tell me about it?”
Natasha looked at her picture. She was happy that Maria thought it was cool, she was proud of it. But it wasn’t done yet.
“It isn’t done yet. It’s an island with forests and mountains on it, and it’s always sunrise there cause it’s the prettiest time.”
Maria nodded and hummed in understanding, smiling a little bit. “I see. You like it when the sun goes up?”
“Yeah. The colors are pretty and everything is quiet and good. Not many people.” Natasha’s grip on the pencil slackened and she returned to drawing the little trees on the paper.
Maria nodded and leaned back, observing her for a little while. Natasha wondered if Maria was a minder at the club or if she was a volunteer caregiver. Being Director must take up a lot of time, so she guessed it was the latter.
Natasha loved it when someone at the club paid attention to her. There was no obligation, and she didn’t have to talk to them before or afterwards. She could go home later and sleep alone. It was safe, because she wasn’t around them for long enough to do something wrong.
This was different. She had to see Maria again, often, because of work.
****
Maria read her a story about a little girl mouse that was a ballerina. Maria had led her to the reading corner and they sat down together. Then Maria read her a story about a baby dragon that two siblings found in their barn. Maria was the best story reader ever, doing all the voices and asking her things and talking about what the books meant. It made her forget how scary it was to be alone with someone.
Natasha had gradually moved closer to Maria, eventually the woman asked her if she wanted to cuddle. Natasha nodded shyly, wanting to really, really badly. She melted into Marias side, resting her head on the woman’s shoulder. Two more stories and Natasha was yawning.
“Someone’s a very tired little girl.” Maria smiled, patting Natasha’s bottom. She stopped in her tracks when the pat was deafened by Natasha’s diaper, and the little girl’s eyes widened in horror.
Maria seemed unfazed. “Are you wet, little one?”
Natasha squirmed uncomfortably and looked away, embarrassed that she had wet her diaper a bit into the second story.
“Is it okay if I check you?”
The rules at the club was if someone asked first, diaper changes and checks are fine, as long as it stays PG-13 and was consensual. She’d been changed by a minder a couple of times, but she’d always been really embarrassed even though she did enjoy how small it made her feel.
She really wanted Maria to check her. It made her tummy flutter and her heart beat extra hard.
Natasha nodded.
“Can you use your words, kiddo?” Maria asked, sitting up and facing her.
Natasha looked down again. “Yes, it’s okay.”
“Okay. Come here, then.”
Natasha’s heart skipped way too many beats as Maria pulled her face down across her lap, pulling up the skirt of the little girl’s dress. She rested her left arm across Natasha’s back as she slipped a finger into the crotch of her diaper.
Natasha flushed beet red as her prefold was exposed to the room, but mostly because of laying across Maria’s lap. Maria was really pretty.
“That’s a very wet diaper, little one.” Maria concluded, pulling Natasha to sit upright on her thigh. “You should have told me, it has to be uncomfortable by now.” Maria reached up and stroked Natasha’s cheek with her first finger, furthering Natasha’s gazes’ incredulous journey deeper into the floor. The butterfly soft touch felt like silk brushing against silk.
Maria hooked her finger under the girl’s chin and coaxed Natasha to meet her gaze. “There are those beautiful eyes, I thought I’d never get them off the carpet.” Maria said kindly, a gentle smile on her face.
Natasha cracked a wide grin at that. A lot of people had said her eyes were beautiful before, but never when she was little, and none of those people had been Maria Hill.
****
Maria helped Natasha onto the changing table. After an embarrassed “Yes, please.” Natasha had let Maria lead her to the room filled with most diaper supplies known to man. On their way they had picked up Natasha’s backpack from the foyer.
“And who’s this little guy?” Maria nodded to the plush gorilla in Natasha’s hands, clad in a white and green striped shirt.
“His name’s Puck. He’s my favorite.” She’d gotten him from collecting bar codes from cereal boxes. She’d been so proud of herself for getting so many of them and sticking with it. She had really wanted a plush gorilla.
“Like a hockey puck?” Maria’s eyebrow quirked, skeptical.
“It’s from a book.” she explained seriously, caressing the soft fur of the toy.
“Oh, I see.” Maria replied bemusedly.
Maria helped Natasha lie back on the changing table, pulling her skirts out of the way. Natasha’s thumb magically found it’s way to her mouth, and Puck ended up tucked under her chin as she observed Maria expertly unpin her diaper, removing the soiled prefold and cleaning her up. She replaced it with a clean one from Natasha’s backpack, placing the dirty one in her wetbag with the stars on it.
“Do you have a pacifier in here, little one?” Maria asked as she placed the wetbag back into her bag. Natasha nodded. Maria rummaged for a second, coming up with a blue on blue pacifier with a puppy on the front with a moon. “There we go.” Maria said as she guided the pacifier into Natasha’s mouth, a small satisfied sound escaping the little girl.
Maria smiled again as Natasha squirmed under her gaze, hiding behind Puck. Understanding that it wasn’t the easiest thing, to be vulnerable like this, Maria quickly pinned Natasha’s diaper in place. She found the girl impossibly cute like this, a far cry from the woman she worked with.
Natasha sat up and rubbed her eyes, tired now that it was actually getting quite late.
“Such a sleepy little one.” Maria commented before pulling the girl into an embrace, rubbing her back as Natasha rested her head on Maria’s shoulder.
“Maria, we’re closing in ten minutes.” A minder said from the doorway, their hand on the shoulder of an ashamed looking little boy.
“Alright, I’m coming.” She replied without breaking their hug, planting a kiss on Natasha’s temple.
“I’d like to walk you home, if that’s alright, Natasha.” She said into the side of the little girl’s head, and this time Natasha didn’t have to voice her agreement out loud.
****
Natasha burrowed deep into Maria’s side on the subway, Puck on her lap and backpack between her legs. She was so happy and tired. It felt so nice not to sit alone for once, finally to have someone look out for her, if only for a little bit. She didn’t know what this meant. It could mean a lot of things. It could just mean that Maria was a really nice and thoughtful volunteer who thought that her employee shouldn’t get home alone while tired and little. It could mean that Maria liked her. Her heart thumped at that possibility.
Maria walked her all the way to her door. They’d held hands the whole way.
“Thank you so much for…everything. I really appreciate it.” She sobered up a little bit, slipping more into her adult mindset.
“Thank you. You’re really cute when you’re little.”
Natasha chuckled. “So I’m not when I’m big?”
“Okay. You’re adorable. All the time. Happy?” Maria grinned like a loon, which was a good look on her, Natasha thought. She nodded, matching the other woman’s expression. They must’ve looked ridiculous.
“Buy you dinner sometime?”
“I’d like that.”