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Many things can play into a comfortable regression. Simple likes. Of a fabric, a particular color, a movie or well-loved item. It can be wedged inside a forgotten memory or can’t be explained.
Natasha really likes corduroy. She has a shirt and even a jacket out of the material. But she also has a pair of navy overalls, in the storage box under her bed. She’s careful of washing them, on a cold and gentle cycle with unscented detergent. Then they’d air dry, and she’d use the lint roller, before ironing them (wrong side up). It was a soothing ritual that granted her a strange sense of peace.
The next time she meets Maria, Natasha wears her overalls. They had gone on a couple of grown up dates, a pizza place and a diner, and suddenly they were eating together more often than not, as far as their schedules would allow.
Maria is…amazing. She knew to treat Natasha as the capable adult she was, when she’s big, which she appreciated greatly. One of Natasha’s greatest qualms with herself was to not let her feelings show, and that’s pretty impossible while taking on the persona of a two-year-old. For Maria to recognize that she was not a failure for doing just that was incredibly reassuring. There’s also the fact that the Director is a kind, warm and hard-headed woman, characteristics that Natasha happens to find attractive. And then there’s the whole looks things on top of it. So. Maria Hill is pretty amazing.
They’d texted some back and forth, agreeing on Maria to meet her in the Tower lobby for a walk in the park. Natasha was nervous but happy; to meet Maria again, to walk in the park. To wear her overalls and be safe. She debated on whether to suck on her pacifier now, to feel better, or keep it in her pocket. Natasha ran a finger over the blue shield and smiled at the sleepy little puppy on the button. She tentatively gave the teat a couple of sucks, keeping her fingers hooked over the shield, before hurriedly shoving it into her pocket.
After tucking Puck safely into her backpack, she stepped into her sneakers (which took a little extra time to tie as she felt herself slipping) and headed out the door. She felt jitters fluttering in her tummy, but good ones, not bad. Happy-nervous ones. She bounced a little on her feet in the elevator.
Maria was stood right by the doors, one hand in her pocket and the other tapping away at her phone. She was wearing a black t-shirt and some loosely fitted jeans, holding a jacket in the crook of her arm. She looked refreshingly, painfully casual, something that Natasha loved about seeing Maria outside of work.
“Hi Maria.” Natasha greeted as she approached, gripping the straps of her backpack a little extra tight.
“Hey Nat! Oh, look at you. Those overalls are so cute.” Maria slipped her phone into her pocket and beamed at her, the sort of smile that made Natasha look down and shift her feet sheepishly. Her shoes had Winnie the Pooh on them.
“Are you ready to go?” Maria asked kindly, offering her hand as Natasha nodded, making her curls bounce.
Maria’s hand was warm and slender and fit in hers perfectly. Natasha hoped she wasn’t holding it too loosely or too tightly, that her palm wouldn't sweat-
“I like your little shoes. Did you tie them all by yourself?
Natasha glanced down at her shoes again, looking at how the beige contrasted the red and yellow of Pooh bear. “It's hard. But I can do it.”
Maria nodded, but looked sad. “I wish I could have been there to help you, sweetie. Maybe some slip ons would be better for you, huh? You know those that you can just push your feet into?” Maria squeezed her hand and Natasha hummed in agreement, feeling brave enough to look up at Maria and smile. It felt good for someone to recognize that something so simple could be hard for her sometimes. It felt good to have someone, even just for walking.
Maria smiled back at her and the two fell into a comfortable silence as they walked to the park.
****
Maria held her hand when she walked on the balance beam that looked like a snake, and pushed her on the swings.
“Be careful, honey.” Maria chided gently when Natasha stumbled up the playground stairs in excitement, landing on her knees but quickly getting up again. She ran around and climbed until her cheeks turned rosy pink.
Then she spotted a tall red structure.
"Not those, sweetheart. They're for big kids." Maria said as Natasha reached for the monkey bars, her mouth forming into a little 'o' at the statement. Her eyebrows furrowed and she scrunched her nose. She's not a baby.
"I'm a big girl." She said stated seriously, suddenly very aware of the crinkly diaper on her bottom and the pacifier in her pocket. She trains every day when she's big, of course she can go on the monkey bars. Did Maria not remember?
"Of course you are. But let's do something else, okay?"
Natasha stared defiantly up at the bars. "Can I climb on top of 'em instead? Please?"
Maria looked skeptical. "Mm, okay. But be very careful, alright?"
"I will!"
Natasha's feet scrambled for purchase, her shoes still mostly unused and crisp, she slowed down and easily climbed the top of the monkey bars. The little girl grinned proudly as she spun around to climb down the other side, foot searching for the last bar when-
Her other foot slipped and Natasha fell onto her bottom with a loud thump.
It hadn't really hurt, it wasn't that great of a fall, and her diaper had taken the brunt of it. But rush of air in her ears and the impact was enough for tears to start flowing and small upset intakes of breath to begin.
"Oh, Nat! Poor baby." Maria was at her side in an instant, brushing away the tears with her thumbs, a sympathetic look on her face. Her hands lingered on Natasha's face, looking into her green eyes before reaching for the girl. "C'mere, little one."
Natasha had never been lifted before. Not that she could remember. The sensation was enough to quiet her sobs as she melted into Marias arms. Maria bounced her a little in place before sitting down on a nearby bench, tucking Natasha's head against her shoulder. "I don't think we're going on those mean monkey bars again, are we?"
Natasha shook her head as her thumb made it's way to her mouth, the familiar suckling motion comforting and familiar. Sucking on pacifiers and her thumb brought this primal feeling of infanthood, of safety and ease that could be reached by no other means. She sniffed into Maria's shirt, just a bit more, so that the other woman would fuss over her some more.
Maria responded in kind and rocked in this magically perfect rhythm, gently and barely there but still so effective, back and forth, back and forth. "Poor baby. Such big spaces for such small feet. You thought the ground was going to be there earlier, didn't you?" Maria cooed.
Natasha was wrapped up in the sensory cocoon that was Maria's touch and gentle voice. Was this how it felt like to have someone who cared?
Maria clasped her hands at Natasha's hips and rocked until Natasha didn't even remember what she was crying about, just happy to be wrapped Maria's protective arms.
Then Maria sat her up, smiling encouragingly, fishing out the puppy pacifier from Natasha's pocket, (that she'd probably felt poking into her ribs as Natasha was leaning into her) and offering it to the little girl.
Natasha liked her thumb, but it was starting to feel all pruny, and some drool had begun travelling down her wrist. She reluctantly pulled her thumb out, hating the empty feeling for a moment, before renewing her sucking, biting gently at the silicone nipple.
"No biting, Tasha." Maria chastised, tugging on the button of her paci for a second. Natasha looked puzzled. How had she known?
Maria laughed before standing Natasha up on shaky legs. "Caregivers know these things, baby. We can tell."
How though.
It had started to get a little cooler out and Maria shrugged into the jacket she had brought, a slim cut faux leather that big Tasha would have asked to borrow. "Did you remember to bring something warmer, Tasha?" Maria asked as a cold breeze blew past.
Maria had texted her the reminder this morning and big Tasha had put it her backpack so that little Tasha wouldn't forget. Natasha nodded and took off her backpack hurriedly, resting it on the bench and pulling out a knitted sweater. It was bright red and had berry shaped and mustard colored buttons on the left shoulder. It was one of her favorites.
"Oh Tasha, this is so pretty. I love it." Maria said as she unbuttoned the berry clasps before helping the little girl put it on. It was a little big on her, but it only helped. She especially liked the buttons. They were really pretty.
***
Maria had snacks already laid out on her kitchen island when they came to the Directors apartment. Natasha liked the idea of Maria preparing things especially for her. She took the package of microwave popcorn in her hands and turned it over, followed by the box of Tom and Jerry crackers. Maria watched her curiously.
"Did you bring a movie with you?" She prodded gently, after Natasha was done tracing the pattern on the back of the crackers with her finger. Tasha nodded and ran to fetch her backpack.
Maria had put a bag of popcorn in the microwave when she came back and Tasha hurried to lay out the three DVDs on the bench. "I brought a few. So we could pick together." She explained.
Maria smiled and rested her arms on the marble as she eyed the cases, pictures of bright and colorful characters peering back at her. "Which one is your favorite?"
Natasha was caught off-guard. Her favorite. But she had so many.
"Umm. I love 'em all. I don't know."
Maria nodded. "Okay. Which one makes you the happiest?"
Natasha held up a case with a design that Maria couldn't make sense of, some sort of red creature with a human face under a water-air bubble. It read Ponyo on a cliff by the sea in white font.
When she was big, Natasha appreciated the characteristic Ghibli animation and how beautifully the surrealistic element tied in with the storyline.
Little Tasha just thought that everything the little girl in the movie did was hilarious.
Maria changed Natasha's diaper and helped her into her dinosaur printed pajamas before they both crashed into the couch and each other.
"Thank you for today." Natasha mumbled sleepily from behind her pacifier, closing her eyes barely a second after Ponyo had made it into Sasuke's bucket. She cuddled Puck and Maria at the same time and she was so happy.
Maria smiled too, "No problem, little one." and dropped a kiss to the crown of Natasha's messy curls. She couldn't understand the appeal of the cartoon but she'd watch it for Natasha.