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Charlie had just finished hugging his grandkids goodbye, watching as his son in law tried wrangling them into the car. A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. He’d always loved this time of year, it marked so many wonderful chapters in his life. His mind drifted to the photograph that still hung in the hall of his home— him and Nick laying in the snow as teenagers with original Nellie Nelson. Their daughter had insisted years later that their second dog, after Daisy, had to be named Nellie, since she had always loved looking at that picture of her dads and Nellie the first, looking so incredibly happy.
December had always been full of firsts for the Nelson-Spring family. It was around this time of year that he had gone to the Nelson home for the very first time, feeling like maybe his feelings weren’t so one sided after all. It was the first time he felt accepted by his then boyfriend’s side of the family, even when his own family made things harder during the festive season at the start of his recovery. Their daughter had taken her first steps on a random snowy day, Nick with the camera in hand, tears streaming down his face while Charlie encouraged her, trying to hide his fear of her hurting herself. His husband had even proposed to him on christmas eve, the ring trembling in his hand as he slipped it onto Charlie’s finger after he’d said yes, before Nick even had the chance to get the question out.
For Charlie, the season meant so much, a thousand little memories he would cherish forever.
But this year was different. This year, he faced his favourite time of year without his favourite person by his side, and nothing could fill the Nicholas Nelson-Spring shaped hole in his heart and he knew it wasn’t just him who felt it.
It hadn’t snowed yet.
To anyone else, it wouldn’t have seemed like a big deal. They would assume the air hadn’t turned cold enough, but Charlie knew better. Snow had always been their thing. His and Nick’s. Since he was fourteen, standing in the Nelsons’ back garden, throwing snowballs, collapsing into the white grass to make snow angels while Nellie ran around trying to eat the falling flakes. It had always been more than just ‘bad weather’, as his own parents would describe it. It was almost like a secret between the two of them. That first fall of snow always felt like it belonged to them. It was theirs, and no one else had to understand that. He didn’t care if it seemed silly.
Usually, snow would have made an appearance by now. They had always looked forward to it. Nick would shake him awake like an excited child, the two of them standing side by side with mugs of hot chocolate warming their hands as they watched the flakes drift from the sky, but this year? Nothing. Not even the usual weather warnings, which were wrongly given out multiple times throughout the month. Part of Charlie was relieved. Though it made him feel guilty, he wasn’t sure he could handle it. The last little piece of magic he still held onto, ruined forever by the absence of the man who made it special in the first place. Without Nick, the snow would never be the same. It wouldn’t feel right to enjoy it without him.
“Bye, dad.”
His daughter’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts, her arms wrapping tightly around him, almost as if she knew exactly where his mind had gone. Maybe she did. There wasn’t a day that went by that he wasn’t thinking about his late husband.
“Don’t forget to open your stocking.” She whispered against his shoulder. “You know that was always papa’s favourite part.”
And that was true. While Charlie loved seeing his husband and the kids’ faces when they unwrapped something they’d been hoping for, Nick always had a fondness for the stockings. Early in their relationship, it had become his job to fill them, and he did it with such thought and care it made Charlie melt every single year. Even something as simple as a pair of silly socks were chosen with the person in mind. It would be covered in something they loved or simply reminded him of that person.
Charlie thought he’d gotten away with not opening his stocking with the rest of the family. They had been busy with their own presents, but of course, their daughter was far too observant for her own good— just like Nick. He had always seen a lot of his husband in her, not just in looks, with her light hair and the sprinkling of freckles across the bridge of her nose, but in the way she carried herself. He had always loved that about her, and right now, missing one of his favorite people in the world, he appreciated it even more. It felt like there was still a little piece of him with them in her.
“Promise?”
She looked up at him with her wide blue eyes, like she was five years old again, making him promise she could have dessert after one more forkful of peas. Charlie felt a small bittersweet feeling tug in his chest. She had grown into such a wonderful young woman, but in moments like these, she was still that little girl he’d held in his arms all those years ago.
“I promise.” He whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of her head.
She seemed content with his answer, giving him one last squeeze before heading toward the car, laughing with the little family she’d built. It was beautiful to watch her all grown up, so full of love and joy, but Charlie couldn’t help but wish Nick were there with him. He could almost hear his voice, whispering that it felt like just yesterday she was sitting on his shoulders, giggling at being up so high. If Nick were there, Charlie knew his eyes would be misty, trying not to cry as he pulled Charlie into a hug, pressing a kiss to his temple before rushing over to the car with extra biscuits he and the kids had baked the night before.
Sighing softly, Charlie waved one last time as the car pulled out of the driveway and closed the front door behind himself. He headed straight for the kitchen, popping on the kettle and grabbing a mug from the cupboard— the infamous ‘N’ mug that once belonged to Nick. It wasn’t the original, that had been broken years ago by a rambunctious toddler, but Charlie had replaced it, quickly becoming one of his husband’s favourites. Since Nick’s passing, it had become one of Charlie’s favourites too. Once the kettle boiled, he went about his familiar routine. Teabag in, water, teabag out, milk in (that was the only way to do it), until the steaming cup of tea was wrapped in his hands, keeping them warm.
He walked into the living room, sitting down with a groan, looking around at the chaos left behind by the excitement of the day. He figured he might as well clean up since he had nothing better to do.
Wrapping paper was shoved into a black bag, toys that had been left at his house were pushed into a corner to deal with later, and blankets and pillows used to make a fort earlier were placed back on the couch neatly— just the way Charlie liked them. There was nothing left to distract himself from the promise he’d made to his daughter, weighing on him heavily despite her not being there. She wouldn’t know if he kept his promise or not, but he still didn’t want to lie to her. So he stood up and headed over to the fireplace, looking at the only two stockings still hung up side by side. Completely untouched.
His and Nick’s.
He left his husband’s where it hung, his fingers lightly brushing over the name embroidered on the front in blue letters. A sad smile graced his lips before he grabbed his own. It matched Nick’s, other than his name being embroidered in yellow. Sarah had made it for him his second christmas with the family. He’d arrived after dinner with his own family to find the stocking waiting for him, filled with all his favourite things that Nick had picked out. That had quickly become one of the traditions he loved the most— and the start of Nick becoming obsessed with filling the perfect stockings for the people he loved.
Part of him didn’t want to reach into it, knowing it would be obvious Nick hadn’t filled it for the first time in however many years, but he’d made a promise. So he put his hand inside and was momentarily confused when he didn’t find anything other than the orange at the bottom of the toe. Just as he was about to give up, his fingers brushed over something that felt a lot like paper. When he pulled it out, he wasn’t surprised to see he was right. What did surprise him was his name written on the front of the envelope in familiar handwriting, making him let out a soft gasp involuntarily.
His hands were shaking as he tried to decide whether or not he should open the envelope. His mind bounced from yes to no every few seconds. Charlie knew himself well enough by now to know what his triggers were, and though whatever was inside could definitely be bad for his mental health, he knew he wasn’t going to be able to relax until he saw for himself, whatever it was— good or bad. He trusted himself enough to get help from his therapist if he needed it.
With the decision made, Charlie took a deep breath, gently pulling out a piece of lined paper from the envelope, unfolding it slowly. His eyes immediately welling with tears when he came face to face with more of that familiar loopy handwriting.
Dear Charlie,
If you’re reading this, that means I’m not there with you. It means it’s christmas day and you’ve found this in your stocking. I hope someone remembered to hang it up, though knowing you as well as I do, you probably tried to keep it down this year, and our daughter overruled you, like she always does. I’m secretly glad. You always say that she reminds you of me, but she’s stubborn, just like you.
I know today has been (or is going to be, depending on when you’re reading this) a hard one for you. Believe me, it’s going to be hard for me too, wherever I am. I’ve always hated the idea of leaving you behind when that’s the one thing you made me promise I’d never do, back when we were kids and had no idea we would spend a lifetime together. I hate the thought of not being there today, and as I write this, I’m filled with regret for not making the most of our last christmas together. But to be fair, we didn’t know it was going to be our last at the time. I would give anything to have one more with you, though.. seeing you in those ridiculous matching pajamas you buy us every year, having your arms wrapped around me as I make the same biscuits I’ve made every year since we were teenagers. Watching the grandkids turn our living room into a wrapping paper war zone. I’m going to miss those moments with our family. It’s hard, thinking about not being there, even for the smallest moments.
But I need you to know something important, Charlie. Just because I’m not there with you all physically, that doesn’t mean I’m not still with you in everything you do.
You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I hope you know that. Being sat next to you in form that day changed my life in the best way possible. You still are the best thing in my life, as I’m writing this. Every laugh we share, every quiet morning moving around the kitchen in perfect harmony, every argument, every birthday, and every christmas.. we built a life that was so beautiful, something I never thought possible before you came along and turned my world upside down. I know from personal experience that when you lose someone, the firsts are always the hardest, and that’s okay, but I don’t ever want your grief to overtake your life.
So here’s what I want you to do for me, Char. Keep going. Keep showing up for the people who love you. Our friends, Tori, and especially our little family that I’m sure is still growing by the second. Tell them stories. Tell them the story of how we met. Tell them how much of a nerd you used to be (They deserve to know). Laugh. Eat a mince pie for me. Hold someone’s hand. Be alive in the way you always taught me to be.
I promise I will always be with you. In the quiet moments. In the warmth of our family. In the way your heart beats a little faster when you see the first fall of snow.
And in case I never said it enough, I love you, Charlie Nelson-Spring.
Merry Christmas, Char.
Love, Nick.
Charlie wiped his cheeks gently, pressing his hands against his eyes, unable to stop the tears from falling. Of course his sweet husband would still try to make sure Charlie was okay, even when he was no longer there with him. It was the most Nick Nelson thing ever. It was a big part of who he was, and one of the many reasons Charlie had fallen in love with him back when they were just kids.
The letter sat open on his knee, the edges slightly curled from where he’d been gripping it a little too tightly. Taking a deep breath, Charlie managed to stop crying. And that’s when he saw it— at first, he thought he was seeing things, since his vision was blurred from the tears but when he got up, letter in hand, and approached the window, he let out a gasp.
The world had gone still, snow falling heavily from the sky. And for the first time in a long time, with the letter clutched to his chest, Charlie smiled.
“Hi.” he whispered into the silence.
Of course he didn’t get a reply— not in so many words, anyway. But the snow? It kept falling. And in the silence of his living room, that was enough.