Chapter Text
“What’s therapy like?”
Carter looked up from his laptop to see Andrew standing in his home office’s doorway, looking confused and despite his muscular frame, impossibly small.
“It’s good. It’s helpful. I mean, it’s hard. You know I have a bunch of things to work through, with my childhood and with Joshua.” Carter’s voice broke on his son’s name. “But I think therapy has made it easier to deal with everything. Why? Do you want to go?”
Andrew frowned. “People think I’m weird. That there is something wrong with me. I don’t like that.”
Carter got up, walked over to his boyfriend and laced their fingers together. He gently tugged Andrew toward the small couch, not enough that would force the wall that is Andrew to move, but to give Andrew the choice to move. Understanding the gesture, Andrew followed close behind. Sitting side by side, Carter rubbed his thumb against Andrew’s knuckle. “You don’t have to go to therapy for me. I like your weird.” Andrew huffed in response. “But I do know that you struggle sometimes and if you think that therapy would help, I’m all for it.”
Andrew turned his head away, avoiding eye contact. “I’m just afraid that I’ll hurt somebody if I go. I don’t want to hurt anybody.”
Carter moved his head so that he could be in Andrew’s line of sight. “Hey, hey, hey. Why would you think that?”
A bunch of emotions quickly moved across Andrew’s face, settling on shame. He looked at the floor. “Apparently I went to therapy when I was young. I don’t know why, Smurf never wanted us to talk to doctors.” Andrew paused. “I don’t actually remember going to therapy, but Smurf liked to remind me that I stabbed the therapist.” He flinched, like Carter was going to hit him.
Carter put his hand gently on Andrew’s cheek and moved his face so Andrew was looking at him. “You don’t remember it?” Andrew shook his head. “Do you think that you did it? Or was Smurf lying to you so that you wouldn’t go back to therapy?”
Andrew hunched up and looked so small as he thought about it. “Smurf may have been a liar, but I’m…bad.” Tears started welling in his eyes. “I’ve hurt a lot of people. I could have hurt him. You don’t know…you’ve never seen…”
Carter wiped a tear from Andrew’s eye. “All I know is that you don’t want to hurt anyone. I think that speaks for itself.”
Andrew looked like he was retreating into himself. “I need to show you something, but I’m afraid that you’re going to leave me when you see it.”
Carter tried to give a reassuring smile. He joked, “I mean you're not a secret serial killer are you?”
That got a small smile out of Andrew. “No.”
Carter gave a short, soft kiss to Andrew’s lips. “Then whatever it is, we’ll work on it. Together.”
Andrew looked pained. “Tonight. Bring a first aid kit.”
“My idea of a first aid kit or Jack’s idea of a first aid kit?”
“Jack’s.”
Carter found himself at an illegal cage match, looking at his boyfriend standing in the ring. Andrew stood in the corner of the cage, in shorts without a shirt and without shoes. His hands were wrapped up for the fight, his muscular form on full display. Andrew stood stock still, his eyes roaming the crowd. Finally, Andrew’s eyes landed on Carter with a dead eyed stare. Carter knew that Andrew was looking at him, but it felt like Andrew was looking through him. He shivered at the dead eye stare looking back at him.
The match was starting. Andrew walked to the middle of the cage, staring at his opponent like a predator looking at prey. Carter didn’t even hear the match start, he was too busy studying this new iteration of his boyfriend. Andrew moved like a hurricane, punching his opponent over and over again. His opponent staggered back, his arms up trying in vain to protect his face. There was a pause for half a second and his opponent took that opportunity to hit Andrew in the stomach. Andrew doubled over and his opponent hit him in the head. A cut opened up over Andrew’s left eyebrow, bleeding profusely. Andrew kicked his opponent, which made his opponent step back trying to regroup. Andrew didn’t give him any time. He surged forward and tackled his opponent to the ground. Both men grunted when they hit the mat. Andrew fell on top of his opponent, punching him in the face as soon as they had hit the ground. Andrew was now kneeling over his opponent and he just kept punching. His opponent pinned and getting bloodier by the second. The referee knelt near them and called it. Andrew had won.
But Andrew wasn’t stopping. He was still frantically punching the prone man on the ground. The ref yelled something at Andrew and quicly two men came up behind him and forcibly pulled him off of his opponent. Andrew struggled in their hold, still in attack mode and snarling.
Carter pushed past the crowd and grabbed the outside of the cage, making sure he was in Andrew’s line of sight. “ANDREW!” Carter yelled over the crowd. “ENOUGH!” Andrew reacted like he had been slapped. He immediately stopped struggling. He looked at Carter and Carter thought he looked extremely sad, folding in on himself.Breathing heavily, Andrew turned around and headed toward the makeshift locker room. Carter went back and grabbed his duffle and moved to follow him.
When Carter walked into the locker room he saw Andrew sitting on the bench, his back impossibly straight, staring straight ahead. He made no move to look at his boyfriend. Carter put the duffle down next to Andrew and knelt in front of him to assess the damage. He tried to keep the conversation light. “Hey babe. Congrats on the win.”
Finally, Andrew looked at Carter. His face was going through a lot of emotions, but then he schooled himself into his usual inscrutable expression. “It’s ok.”
Carter moved a wet wipe over Andrew’s face, cleaning up the blood that had dripped down. He paused and looked Andrew in the eyes. “What’s ok?”
Andrew was failing to keep his face neutral, trying with all his might not to cry. His eyes moved to the floor. “You can break up with me now. I already packed my stuff at the house, I’ll go. You won’t even have to look at me.”
Carter moved Andrew’s face so that he would have to look him in the eyes. “Babe, what are you talking about?”
Andrew’s face crumbled. “I’m a monster. You saw me. I don’t deserve nice things…you.”
Carter stroked Andrew’s cheek. “Because you got into a consensual fight? Lots of people fight for a living, that doesn’t make them monsters. Who told you that you were a monster?”
“Smurf.” Andrew’s voice was impossibly small.
Carter made a face. “My point exactly. How did you start these fights anyway?”
“Smurf.”
Carter scoffed. “Do you even want to do these fights? It’s ok if you do. I just want to know.”
Andrew paused and then shook his head.
Carter kept going. “Do you want to attack random people on the street?”
Andrew looked confused. “No. Why would I want to do that?”
Carter gave Andrew a firm kiss on the lips. “You wouldn’t because you’re not a monster. I’ve met monsters who prey on people for fun. You are not them. Smurf lied, like she always did.”
Andrew started crying. “You don’t think I’m a monster?”
Carter moved so he would be in Andrew’s line of sight. “No. I know you’re not a monster.” Andrew threw his arms around Carter and started sobbing into Carter’s shoulder. “You don’t have to fight. But if you want to later, I’ll be here cheering you on and patching you up.” Andrew nodded into Carter’s shoulder. “If you want to go to therapy, you should go to therapy. I’ll get a referral from my therapist and I’ll go with you to the first appointment and sit right outside. If it upsets you all you’ll have to do is come out and I’ll be right there. You’ll be safe. Everyone will be safe.”
Andrew moved in for a desperate kiss. Carter could feel all of the love and the thanks that Andrew was putting into it. Eventually, Carter pulled away. Andrew tried to follow. “I know, babe. But I’ve got to patch up your head. Then I want to check on your ribs.”
Andrew rolled his eyes, but he had a small smile on his face. “So demanding.”