Chapter Text
Logan paces his room, feeling his steps burn into the blue carpet as orange crackles fill the walls. His mouth won’t stop moving, as if motors are whirring through his body, filling him with infernal energy that just builds and builds and builds. Every motion only releases energy to fill him anew with fire, burn his nonexistent organs to ash as he struggles for air.
All his mind is filled with memories, burning, agonizing things that feel like looking through a photo as he grits his teeth, grinding them together. A phantom bruise around his body does feel like him, feels like being skipped and replaced for the one they actually want. That unjust bastard! The liar who never tells them the truth! It isn’t-
Janus just wants to keep them safe, he needs to remember that. He’s a side and a good one too, he wants to protect Thomas just as Logan does. They are allies-
But he lies! He lies and he will let the unjust exist to keep them safe! It isn’t right! It isn’t logical to let danger exist, right? Let those who hurt them back? It… He can’t quite remember what is logical, but he’s sure it isn’t, no matter what! It’s never good! So why does Logan keep doing it!
The others! The others who pressed that stupid button and skipped him! Who put him in the back during a trial! Why does he keep going back! It’s foolish and he should just talk to Thomas one on one!-
But even that doesn’t work! It never works! Thomas ignores him even harder, even Remus realized that! Realized it with that annoying look when he made the fire in his throat burn the first time in front of him. Used him for… something. He doesn’t know, his head feels like an annoying blur. Like he’s on two completely different trains of thought, all barrelling full speed off the metaphorical cliff. He needs to calm down but-
He cannot stand them. He just can’t, he can’t take it. He can’t take it anymore! They are so, so, so very unjust to him! So concerned about their own world they ignore all logic! Ignore him! It is not just! They do not care about the side trying to help them! Trying to make sure Thomas is okay and healthy! They don’t see the lack of justice in their hearts, turning them away from him, away from- from- from… Logan. Away from Logan. He wants them to turn back
His motions slow as the orange fades from his eyes, staring at the burning carpet and waving a hand over it, forcing it back to normal, himself back to normal, as the cracks fade from the walls.
He… had not realized he had gotten so enraged, that the fire in him had bubbled enough to burn anything- What an annoying trait to receive, making him look like some kind of demon when he’s just trying to make everyone understand the injustices they perpetuate against themselves. It must have been from- Thomas’s ideas of anger making a person’s head smoke, from old cartoons. He pictures it coming from the brain, and so unfortunately, like the cold of a brain freeze, it falls to Logan- It always falls to him, when Thomas doesn’t want to deal with it. It isn’t fair- but he has to take it, or they will leave, and Thomas will get less and less logical and he will be ignored more and more. He cannot let this happen-
He doesn’t know if he can take it, if the current series of events keeps happening. He doesn’t know how he kept calm that entire video, feeling like someone else the whole time. He felt like burning everything as he stared at the past where he was respected, and- And he didn’t. He kept calm and rational even if they all rejected his solution, even when horror filled their faces.
Why did they look at him like that? They tried to explain but he did not get it- Maybe he wasn’t acting right to them? Maybe his annoyance was too clear and his refusal to communicate it only complicated the situation until they believed he hated them and they hated him too. If he just spoke to them!-
But he won’t. He doesn’t want to lose what little love he still has, and screaming his frustrations at them won’t help it. It hasn’t before, just gives them that look in their eyes, looking at him like some uncontrolled beast- He didn’t mean to hit Roman’s eye. He didn’t mean to hurt anyone, and maybe if he didn’t, they would still care for him. Maybe Thomas would look at him with more than dismissal?-
No, he started that when he left the field Logan spent so long working for. Both of them spent so long fighting for it, and Thomas left.
The bed creaks when he finally sits, gazing to his left at nothing but a mirror. He looks miserable, staring at all the details his form has felt it must have. The eyebags to show his exhaustion underlining his eyes that flicker like a flame. His glasses sit askew, his hair gone wild. He must have been running his hand over his face and up through his hair. He can’t remember doing that, but maybe it was just how Thomas’s subconscious wanted to represent the emotions, just as his eyebags do not stem from a lack of sleep.
A sigh leaves him, the world feeling duller as Thomas begins to rest and their existence takes a backseat. He supposes he should work on the schedule for tomorrow, but… Thomas won’t follow it. He never follows it, despite his promises. Even Remus knows that.
He doesn’t get up from his bed, just reaching under it for the unicorn plush toy he tucked away there. He’s too tired for the schedule planning, he’ll just do it as Thomas wakes up. Maybe making it during his morning routine means he’ll actually look at it this time, but Logan finds that unlikely.
It’s always unlikely, and yet he keeps trying.
He thinks that’s a stupid way to live.