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Even with all the warning in the world, Scar would not have been prepared. Eleven years was a long time, but not long enough that the sight of Grian still didn't cause a stutter in his heart.
Scar had just been chatting with Bdubs by the counter, finalizing decor plans for the holiday party that night when he came around the corner with his siblings. It did take Scar a moment to recognize him, but his features were not too far off those he remembered from their younger years, and he had seen pictures of the sibling trio hung up all over the house the younger two shared. They were still too far away, on the opposite side of the main shop, for him to hear what they were saying but either Pearl or Jimmy must have said something funny because Grian threw his head back and his laughter rang throughout the area and if he hadn't known it was Grian before there would be no denying it now. So long later and that laugh was still Scar's favorite sound, something he thought he'd never hear again.
He straightened up a bit in his chair and reached a hand up to rake his fingers through his hair, fixing the intentionally messy look to it. His slight adjustments weren't as subtle as he'd hoped though as Bdubs narrowed his eyes at him, "What's got you-" the man followed Scar's gaze across the room and his entire face widened in surprise. "Oh gosh, is that Grian? What's he doing here?"
"He's visiting for the holidays, in town until just after new years." Scar startled at the new voice, belonging to the blue haired man stepping out of the back room. "Jimmy's been talking about this visit all week, I'm surprised he never mentioned it to you."
"I've been too busy with things lately to catch up with our deputy sherif." Scar's gaze stayed on the man across the room as he answered. He was still taking in all the changes to the man that he'd missed over the years. Grian was no longer a scrawny teenager with a terrible haircut and draped in the baggiest shirts he could find, shoulders perpetually hunched forward to hide his shape. He stood taller now, though still shorter than both of his younger siblings, confident as he strolled along in his holiday sweater that fit him just right. Scar thought he looked more himself now than he ever did back in high school.
He was snapped out of his trance by a whack on his arm from Bdubs. "Would you quit mooning? Or at least go somewhere else if you're going to go all sad puppy goo-goo eyes. Disgusting."
"What! I was not! And as if you're ever better! I saw you watching Etho bringing in the new Christmas trees just the other day."
Scott nodded with him, "He does have a point there."
"He does not!" Bdubs protested, leveling a glare at both of them. "Besides when me and Etho do it, it's not gross because we both know how we feel. It's not that awful one sided pining like Scotty boy over here was doing every-time our dear old deputy came into the store. Which was a lot, by the way. How long does it take to realize a man doesn't need nearly that many flowers and that he was only coming in when you were on shift, jeez."
"Hey no need to bring the past into this. That was years ago, I'm a changed man now."
"Yeah right. Tell that to the rock I know you've been carrying around for months now. Just get it over with and pop the damn question before we all die of old age would ya."
Scar couldn't help but snicker as Scott's eyes widened and flickered out towards his boyfriend who was steadily getting closer as the group of siblings crossed the room. "Bdubs I swear if you ruin the surprise, I have a plan alright? Trust me it won't be too much longer."
"Oh calm your horses I won't go blabbing. Don't think you're getting anything other than the standard employee discount on your floral arrangements when he says yes though." Bdubs nodded and disappeared through the staff only door.
Scott followed right behind him, already arguing, "Standard employee? We're literally joint owners of this place. Bdubs!" Leaving Scar alone behind the counter with just enough time to chuckle at his friends and not realize that someone had made their way to the register.
"Oi! Who've I gotta talk to around here to get us a Christmas tree?" The voice was familiar and friendly in its demands, and Scar spun around in his chair to say something back to Pearl but the words died on his tongue as he remembered once more of her visiting older brother and his sudden proximity.
"Hi." Scar said lamely as his gaze met Grian's and quickly shifted away from the intensity of his dark eyes to find his sister's. "What can I do for you Pearlie?"
His friend's smile was as sharp as ever as she grinned at him and he knew she could easily read the bit of tension between him and her brother. "Been a while since I've seen you on that side of the counter Scar. What, business that booming that they had to pull you away from all the important work you've got to bring you back?"
"Oh no, I just had to talk to Bdubs about some stuff. Not that I couldn't hop right back into the saddle if I wanted, and since it seems everyone else is slacking off today what can I do for you fine folks?" Slipping back into the role of a salesman was easy, a familiar routine that didn't require him to think about the man who hadn't said a word but hadn't taken his eyes off of Scar since he turned around. He might not have even blinked, Grain always did have that weird habit of not blinking at the same frequency as a normal person. It was one of the things he'd always found terrifying, fascinating, and endearing in equal measure.
Jimmy was the one who chimed in to answer his question though, handing Scar a tag as he did. "Getting a proper Christmas tree to celebrate this one finally coming home to spend a holiday with us." He threw his arm around Grian who just rolled his eyes, seemingly having had this conversation already. "Just finished picking that one out. Gem was there too but she stayed behind to 'make sure Etho was capable of getting it to her truck' or something. Probably just wanted an excuse to get on his nerves, you know how those two are."
"Oh yeah, no one gives Etho a piece of their mind better than Gem. Except maybe Joel so maybe it runs in the family. Oh and Cleo, so maybe its redheads? Ah well, Bdubs too but I think that's different since they're an old married couple. Just, y'know, without the wedding and all that legal mess."
"Pretty sure that as the mayor you are part of that 'legal mess' mate." Pearl pointed out but Scar just waved her off as he tried to remember how to operate the register to ring up their tree. "By the way, I know its a bit late but with all the planning, me and Jim kind of forgot to update our RSVP to the holiday party tonight at town hall since somebody refuses to make solid plans until the last minute." She threw a glance at her older brother, who had ducked out from under Jimmy's arm.
"Hey, I'm a busy guy, lots of things to do. Its hard to find a week off!" Grian defended himself, glaring up at his sister.
"You work from home Gri, you don't even technically need to live in the city anymore." Pearl shot back. "You could just move back here, nothing is stopping you."
The furrow of Grian's brow deepened. "There's plenty keeping me in the city, and plenty more keeping me from moving back here."
Pearl's sigh was sad but resigned and Scar suspected they'd been close to opening a can of worms no one wanted to deal with, at least not here. Scar understood it, he knew why Grian left, never resented him for it in the least. It had hurt, of course it had, and he wished Grian had given him any bit of warning. He wasn't sure he would have left with him, but he'd at least have considered it, if for no other reason than so Grian wouldn't have been alone. Though Scar would not have been short on reasons to follow him in his escape. He hadn't even given his younger siblings more than a few hours notice though. But now his reasons for leaving and staying away for so long were seven years in the ground.
"Anyways," Pearl steered the conversation back to less charged topics, "I know it's short notice but could we add one more guest?"
"I'm afraid our baker-boy caterers might just have my head if I let anyone just jump on the guest list all willy-nilly."
"See, I can't go oh well." Grian jumped in, not sounding upset about it in the least. "That's too bad but you guys should still go I'll be just fine staying home."
Scar knew he was taking a risk with his next words, but what was life without chances taken. "Oh, well no need to stay home, I might not be able to let Pearl and Jimmy here add on a guest but seeing as it is the Mayor's Annual Holiday Party, I think they might have to let you come if you're the mayor's special guest." Dark eyes snapped to him, and he could see Grian trying to read him. It was the same look he was once familiar with, searching to find a lie in the words of affection so freely given they couldn't have been true. They always were though of course. Scar could spin lies and flatteries as smoothly as the guy who spins the sign outside of the sandwich shop, but never to Grian. "So what do you say Grian, care to be my date tonight?" He threw in a wink, exaggerated and playful, trying to keep the offer light though he knew he wanted it to be anything but.
Maybe it was just wishful thinking, the spark he thought he could see in the other man's eyes at his offer, the almost imperceptible intake of air at Scar's words. None of it lasted long, merely a fraction of a second then Grian was rolling his eyes but grinning anyways. "If there is free food I suppose I can be persuaded."
"Amazing!" Scar handed Pearl back the credit card she'd given him to pay with along with a freshly printed receipt. "Well then with all that settled I should really be off, I've got a few more things to make sure are covered before the party. I shall see you all there tonight," Scar bowed best he could in his chair and wheeled himself around the family and out the door, only glancing back once at the man who ran off with his heart eleven years ago without ever even saying goodbye.
…
Scar's entire wardrobe was currently spread out all across his room. There were three different pairs of dress pants hanging over his dresser; one navy, one black, one striped with yellow that he has no idea when or why he even bought them. His drawer full of button-ups had been emptied and the shirts were piled on his bed, a few different colored sleeves hanging out where he'd pulled them out trying to decide between them. He still hadn't made that choice though as he sat in front of his mirror in a pair of sweatpants and a suit jacket, holding up two different ties. Somewhere behind him was a pile of red and white fabric that Scar had thankfully quickly decided against, deciding a Santa dress wasn't the thing to wear on a semi-date with your ex. Even if it was a Christmas party.
He sighed and slumped down, tossing the ties to the floor. It had been nearly two hours and Scar still hadn't been able to make a decision on what to wear. He was running out of time too as the clock on his bedside table ticked on. He'd never had so much trouble picking out an outfit before, but in his defense he doesn't think he's had a decision as important as this one in almost a decade. Just don't tell that to the people who voted for him to be mayor three years ago.
It was just as he began to consider cancelling the entire event and faking his own death to assume a new life as a pirate on the high seas that his doorbell rang. With one last glance at the scattered clothing he pushed himself out of the room and to his front door. The last thing he was expecting upon opening it was a mane of red hair that hit him in the face as Cleo brushed passed him and into the room.
"Merry Christmas Scar!" They said as they turned around and held out a flat box towards him, a dangerous gleam in her eyes.
"It's only the twenty-second Cleo, what are you doing here?" He didn't take the box and raised an eyebrow at them as he shut the door. "We weren't supposed to be gift swapping until I came over on Christmas day."
They thrust the box forward again, shoving it into his hands and stepping back to lean against the counter. "Bdubs was telling me about his day and I decided you might need your gift a bit early this year." She very clearly looked him up and down from his fuzzy socks to the suit jacket and lack of shirt, "Clearly I was right."
"I feel like I should be offended by that."
She only shrugged. "You can take it however you'd like to."
"That's what she said." Cleo laughed with him as he opened the box and pulled out the tissue paper to reveal his present. He nearly gasped at the sight of a green knit sweater and the sunflowers expertly shaped from the yarn. "Oh, Cleo."
"Someone needed to save you from embarrassing yourself by wearing those yellow pants you bought for your swearing in ceremony."
"Oh that's why I had those! I pulled them out and was so confused Cleo. This is so perfect though, you even put sunflowers in it."
"Yeah well I know it's your favorite and I know why. Some of us have known you since you were in diapers you'll recall."
"You act like you're not only five years older than me!"
"You act like I wasn't your babysitter when you were a preteen. Itty baby Scar coming home from school and gushing about his new crush, oh it was adorable."
Scar brought the sweater up to cover his face and how red it was growing. "I've had it bad for him for a long time, huh?"
"Too long if you ask me." She sighed, standing up and heading back towards the door. "It sounds like you might have a second chance though. Just, be careful Scar. Yeah?"
"You know me Cleo, I'm always the most careful all the time." He flashed his most confident grin at them.
They just rolled their eyes, "Go get dressed so you're not late to your own party Scar."
…
A little over an hour later Scar was smiling and greeting his neighbors as they walked through the doors of the town hall, all decked out in fresh greenery that Etho and Bdubs had brought over from the nursery and hung up this afternoon. The couple hadn't stayed for the party though, Etho not really being a big celebrator of the holidays. He supposed Cleo was staying in with them tonight as he hadn't seen her among the arriving townsfolk yet.
He also hadn't seen Grian or his siblings yet, but he knew they'd be here. At least he hoped they would. He did distract himself by finding his way into the kitchen briefly to snag some of the hors d'oeurves before being chased out by a Tango angrily muttering about 'waiting' and 'impatience'. He'd just popped the last of the crackers topped with some fruity-creamy mixture into his mouth when he heard a voice behind him. "And here I was thinking you might have learned some better manners in eleven years."
In a flash Scar turned around to where Grian was looking down at him, a mischievous smile playing across his lips. "Grian!" A few cracker crumbs escaped from his mouth and joined the ones that had already fallen down the front of his shirt as he spoke. "Not greeting your guest and talking with your mouthful. It's worse than I thought."
He quickly finished chewing and swallowed the snack down before trying to speak again. "Ah, welcome! Welcome to our little annual Christmas party here. Sorry I uh, got a bit hungry."
"I can see that," Grian laughed and the sound instantly put Scar at ease. He watched as the other man took a look around the room and let out a breath. "This place feels so much smaller than it used to."
"Well, you're a big grown up man now, not some ratty kid running around and getting into trouble. Plus I feel like everything would feel small to you after spending so long in the big city." Scar mused.
"You'd think," the other man said, "But spend enough time anywhere and it all feels small. Everyone is connected in some way."
"Really?"
"At least the freaks and the weirdos all know each other." He shrugged. "Takes one to know one or running in packs or something."
"Mmhm, and are you considering yourself…one of these freaks or weirdos?" Scar asked, genuinely curious about the answer. Being a 'freak' was something they had often talked about once, but the way Grian was saying it now held a lot less animosity than it used to.
Grian's grin at him was sharp, dangerous in a way that sent an excited shiver down Scar's spine. "Depends on who you ask I suppose. Mumbo would probably say I am, but what does he know anyways." He laughed.
"Yes, yes. And Mambo is…?"
"Mumbo," He corrected, "is the first friend I made when I got to the city. We were roommates for years until he got some hotshot job in tech and had to move."
"Mumbo huh?"
"Mr. Mumbo Jumbo, probably the only reason I wasn't homeless for more than a week."
Scar couldn't help himself but let out a snorting laugh at the full name of the man. "Mumbo Jumbo? What were his parent's big fans of Dr. Seuss? That name is the silliest I've ever heard."
"Well he picked out the name himself so…" Grian trailed off, a frown aimed Scar's way and he felt his heart drop.
Putting his foot in his mouth was something he was used to but he quickly rushed to try and recover. "Oh dear, I didn't mean that in a bad way! It's a fun name, a great name even! I think we should all change our names to rhyme actually. Maybe I can make that a new law as the mayor!"
He was saved from his rambling when Grian dropped the concerned look and the man doubled over laughing. "Oh man, Scar. It's not that serious mate, I tell him his name is silly all the time because it is. I can't wait to tell him you think his name is stupid though, that's going to be so much fun for me."
"I never said it was stupid Grian! This is slander, you'll ruin my career as a politician and its only just begun!" Grian's laugh was infectious as Scar giggled through his defense.
"No, no. Choosing a stupid name is one of the perks."
"Well Grian isn't a stupid name. I was excited to hear you'd finally picked one when Pearl found the letters."
"No, it's an Irish one. I was excited to find it too though. I'd been going to this same little pub every week for a couple months by the time the bartender finally asked my name. He took it as a personal affront that he had nothing to call me other than 'lad' and pulled out some genealogy book that was all of his family before him? Told me a man that could drink as much Irish beer as I did needed a good Irish name. I flipped through and he had a great second cousin twice removed or whatever named Grian and… well it was the right one."
"Well it's gotta mean something right? Like one who sings, or puller of pranks. Or I guess it's Irish so maybe it just means potato." They both laughed at the joke but something in Grian's eyes made him curious for the real answer. "You do have to tell me though, for real. I'll simply pass away if I never find out and then you're deputy sheriff brother will have to arrest you for killing me and it will be a whole scandal so you're better off just saying it. If it's some big secret just know as a mayor I'm like a priest, you can confess to me in total confidence and I'll only tell just a few people."
"I think priests aren't supposed to tell anyone what someone says in confession Scar." Grian's voice dripped with exasperated fondness and it just widened Scar's own grin.
"No. I think they tell at least two people. How else are God and Jesus supposed to know people's sins so they can keep track if they're going to heaven or not."
"Scar, that's not-" Grian sighed, long and loud. "Sun."
"Yeah the father and son. Keepers of the polished gates."
"No Scar, s-u-n sun. As in Grian means sun."
Oh. "Oh." Scar was stopped dead in his tracks, a memory rushing back to him in a flash.
'So what do you want me to call you then? You must have some kind of new name picked out, right? That's how that works I think.' They were laying in Scar's bed, side by side and staring up at the ceiling.
'I don't though. I just know that isn't my name. I haven't picked out a new one yet I guess.'
Scar turned, propping himself up on his elbow to look at the smaller boy next to him. 'Guess I'll just have to come up with something then. Like maybe songbird? Or birdie?'
The boy next to him snorted a laugh. 'Over my dead body.'
'Okay, what about light of my life?' He leaned in closer, quickly pressing a kiss to his boyfriend's scrunched nose.
'Sounds like a mouthful.' His boyfriend seemed to know him too well because Scar had barely opened his mouth when he was cut off. 'If you make that joke I'm walking out right now.'
'I don't know what you're talking about. But if light of my life is too long maybe I can just call you sunshine.' The two laughed as Scar leaned in closer and kissed him, a gentle press of lips, only barely pulling away to whisper. 'How about it sunshine?'
There was a small hitch of the other's breath and instead of answering, he pulled Scar into a kiss that said everything for him.
Grian's face shifted hues until he was a bright red that rivaled the stitching in his holiday sweater, the color burning across his cheeks all the way to the tips of his ears. Scar tried to find the words but he was at a loss for them, in a way only Grian could ever make him. They stood there for a moment, neither knowing how to break the awkward tension when they were saved by a bell ringing and Ren calling for everyone to find their seats for the feast. Grian began to look around, presumably for his siblings and their partners to sit with, but Scar reached out and grabbed his hand to stop him. "Sit with me?" He didn't feel like letting Grian slip away again.
Grian nodded and they made their way to the main table, Scar pulling out Grian's chair. They chatted through the meal, catching up on each other's lives and talking with the others around them. At some point halfway through the meal, Gem came over, dragging Grian's younger siblings and Scott and 'gently' convinced some people to swap seats with them. From there it turned into a loud conversation, the siblings riling each other up and egging each other on as Gem and Scott laughed at their partners. Scar just sat back, taking it all in and watching the joy radiate from all of them, but Grian especially. He'd never seen him glow quite like this, and when he looked over as Scar, eyes bright and smile sharp, Scar felt his heart stutter in his chest.
"Dance with me?" Grian asked as people around them began to leave their empty plates behind and trickle out towards the empty floor in front of the music system Joel was fiddling with, turning the volume up on the music that had been softly playing all night and changing it to songs with more of a beat. He was pretty sure he was incapable of saying no to the man in front of him now so he nodded and followed him to what was being established clearly as a dance-floor now. The laughter from dinner continued as the two moved around, Scar spinning circles around Grian and both moving their arms around in ways that surely made them look like fools. Scar did his best to pop his wheels up once or twice, earning a whoop from Grian and a heat rushing through his body as Grian grabbed him to steady him the one time he miscalculated and almost tipped backwards in his chair.
Scar looked at Grian then, face red and a bit sweaty from dancing and the sleeves of his sweater pushed up to his elbows. He really was beautiful, even more so than his memories had recalled, and Scar felt himself aching. He wanted to lean forward and pull the man down, to crash their lips together like they once did. He didn't want to let this man go again, even though he knew Grian was only visiting, that he had no plans to stay despite his siblings prodding him to during their meal. The holidays would end and Grian would go back to his own home and Scar would stay here, but Scar also knew he was selfish and greedy, and maybe a touch delusional, and would hold onto Grian as long as he could.
As the next song ended, he grabbed Grian's wrist and gestured his head towards the entrance before letting go and beginning to make his way to the door. The cold air was refreshing as he wheeled himself out and down the ramp to the sidewalk, and a second later listened to the door open and close again. Grian was back to being bundled up, a green scarf covering the lower half of his face and a pair of ear warmers wrapped around his head. "Have you been to the park since you got back into town?"
Grian scrunched his eyebrows, confused by the question. "Not really, just got in the other day and have mostly been at Pearl's house until today. Why?"
Scar grinned. "Well its changed a lot since you were last here so I thought maybe you'd want to check it out?"
"Don't they close the gates to the park at sunset?"
"Well you see Grian, you have the privilege of being with the mayor who changed that. Come on, I want to show you." He began rolling down the sidewalk, listening for the steps of the other man behind him. They could have driven, and probably should have with how cold the night air was growing, but it was only a few blocks and the air was clearing his head just a bit. As they finally reached the metal archway over the entrance to the park, Scar spun his chair around to face Grian and swept his arm wide. "Welcome to the town's newest holiday attraction." He watched in joy as Grian's eyes lit up, shining with the reflection of the Christmas lights Scar had gotten hung up all through the park. "But wait, there's more!" He pulled out his phone and opened the radio app, already tuned to the station playing the Christmas music that the lights danced around to, perfectly on beat. "Impulse was really a whiz when it came to the timings on these and hopefully next year we can get little speakers installed so you can hear the music anytime you walk through."
"This is fantastic Scar," The lights flickered on and off around them, illuminating trees and lampposts and flowerbeds all over the public space.
"Sorry it's eleven years too late, I know I promised to take you to a place like this but I was really amazingly bad at planning things back then. And this project wasn't for you, exactly. I didn't even know you were coming back when I started working on this project months ago. But I can't say that promise I never fulfilled wasn't at least a bit of an inspiration for it."
The snowflake shaped lights behind Grian blinked rapidly, a stop motion style effect that made it seem as if they were flurrying down to the ground, but the soft white light haloed him as he spun around to take it all in. "Scar," his name passed Grian's lips in a whisper. His turning stopped as he faced Scar again, and Scar watched the amazement in his eyes dim as they grew more somber. "I wish you wouldn't look at me like that."
This was not what Scar was expecting to hear, and he cocked his head to the side. "Like what?" He hadn't taken stock of how he was looking, what Grian had seen to change his own expression so suddenly.
"Like- like you care. Like you used to." Scar watched Grian's fists curl up into tight balls as he crossed his arms. Years later and Grian still hadn't outgrown the desire to shrink in on himself and hide himself away. "Like- I didn't break your heart." The lasts words came out small and slow.
Scar rolled himself an inch forward. "And what if I do care?" It was surprisingly easy to admit. "What if I never stopped caring? Despite how much it hurt to find out you'd left without even saying goodbye."
"I'm sorry, I suppose I never really apologized for that. If it helps, it wasn't planned. I was getting ready to go to graduation, sitting in my room putting on makeup, and my mom brought in this pink dress gushing all about how I'd look so pretty and she couldn't wait to take photos with the family after and going on and on. Everything she said just settled and I was being crushed under that weight and I was so afraid it would just always be there." Scar saw tears welling up in Grian's eyes and moved close enough to grab his arm and gently tug him into his lap. Scar wrapped his arms around the smaller man and gave a light squeeze as he let him continue.
"Everyone else had left for the ceremony and I was supposed to meet them there, all I had to do was put on the horrid dress. Keep being what they expected, what was acceptable to them. Somehow I ended up with a bag packed and was crossing the town limits before I even realized what I was doing." Scar had always suspected it wasn't something Grian had planned to do, not when both his siblings were equally as shocked to find the oldest of their tight-knit trio gone without a word. It was one of the things that had made it so easy to forgive the way Grian had left. "I told myself I would write to you, but when even Pearl and Jimmy weren't writing back… I figured you all hated me." Both of them knew what had happened to his letters. He remembered Jimmy's teary eyes the week after their parent's funeral telling Scar that Pearl had found a box of letters Grian had been sending that they'd hidden away over the years.
"No one ever hated you sunshine. Not them, not me."
He was prepared to say more, reassure Grian that everything was just fine, when he was cut off by the feeling of lips against his. Grian's were dry and a bit cracked from the cold air, but Scar couldn't care less as he reciprocated, leaning in and pulling the boy on his lap tighter against him. He even found it easy to ignore the wet lines running down the other man's face as he pulled away just long enough to whisper "I'm sorry," before Scar was pulling him back in hungrily. He'd gone eleven years without this and he felt like a man in the desert finding an oasis. He wasn't sorry, not at all. How could he be with everything he wanted right in his arms.
…
Scar was pretty sure he could lay in this warmth forever and die happy. The weight on his chest was a comfortable one, breathing just as deeply as he was and their legs entwined beneath the covers of his bed. "That," he breathed, "was so much better than I remember it ever being."
The response he got was muffled, Grian's face still pressed into his chest. "Yeah, not being teenagers fooling around for the first time typically ends in much better sex."
Scar laughed and wrapped his arms around the man on top of him, content to lay there as long as he'd allow. Somewhere one the floor of his room their clothes were mixed in with all the shirts they had shoved off of Scar's bed but he was in no rush to get up and put them back on. It was late enough that he hoped they wouldn't be getting up at all and he'd be able to fall asleep and wake up to the man he's been in love with for most of his life for the first time. "God I missed this." he felt himself saying without any thought, just content to share what he was feeling. "I'm so glad you're back."
He only realized too late how stiff Grian had gotten. By the time he had registered it through the syrupy haze he'd fallen into, the other man was already pushing himself up and moving away. "Scar, I-"
Grian cut himself off, eyes darting away as he sat up and Scar followed, propping himself up against the pillows. "What, what's wrong sunshine?"
Scar reached out for Grian's hand, only for it to be moved away and out of his reach as Grian stood up. "I'm not staying Scar. You know that, right?"
"You could though." He didn't think before he spoke, just letting the words fall out. "It wouldn't be hard. You work from home so you're not tied to a single place. You have friends here, family here." He stopped himself before he could say 'you have me here'.
"No I can't Scar." Grian was shuffling around now, pulling on articles of clothing one by one as he spoke, never once making eye contact. "There's just- It's too much being back here. Everywhere I look is their influence. Photos from back then, a yearbook that doesn't have my name in it but hers. Pearl and Jimmy don't even live in the same house anymore but so much of the decor was our parent's it may as well be that same suffocating house. This place, this town, it was never my life. I was never me here and I'm not sure I ever could be. No one every really knew me back then."
"I did." Scar whispered. "I saw you Grian. I knew who you were in the quiet moments, when it was just the two of us. In the moments you just needed to explode and throw empty glass soda bottles against a brick wall. I saw the way you stood in front of your siblings and drew your parent's attention to you and not them to protect them. I saw every flinch you held back, every time you bit your tongue when your parents made some remark about how at least you were dating me so that was one less thing they needed to worry about." He'd seen Grian bear so much hurt, heard all the little comments his parents made about how 'maybe Scar would like it if you wore dresses more' and 'Scar deserves someone who cares about her appearance so maybe wear some more makeup and grow your hair out'.
Scar tried to be a nice person, love everyone equally and all that. But he wasn't ashamed to say he hated Grian's parents. He'd gone to their funeral after the crash that killed them both, mostly as extra support for Jimmy and Pearl, but he didn't cry like he had at any of the others he'd attended. No one did, that he noticed at least.
Grian was quiet, fully dressed now and clutching the scarf he'd been wearing earlier in his hand. He was at the door of the bedroom, back to him as Scar watched his shoulders rise and fall with a breath. "I'm sorry Scar." It wasn't loud, said just above a whisper, but it rang like canon fire in his head.
And he watched him leave, unable to get up and into his wheelchair fast enough to follow. Left with only the sounds of footsteps echoing down the hallway and the opening and closing of the front door. Scar sat there, letting Grian walk out of his life for a second time.
…
The holidays passed quickly for Scar. He spent the morning of the twenty-third helping clear up the last of the party mess then the afternoon finishing the last of his mayoral work so he could peacefully enjoy the last week of the year off. On Christmas Eve he spent the day wrapping gifts, or at least trying to between Jellie's attempts to nap on the wrapping paper he had rolled out for whichever gift he was working on. He made his own rounds that evening, dropping off gifts to those of his friends whom he wouldn't see. Even though he did it every year, they all acted surprised to see him dressed up as Santa in their doorway.
Scott was the one who answered the door when he knocked, and Scar wasn't sure if he was thankful or disappointed that it wasn't Grian. Still he smiled and handed over the stack of gifts, five in total, and wished Scott a merry Christmas, telling him he'd see him at the man's New Years Eve party the following week.
He continued with his rounds until his car was emptied of gifts and he was back at home, sighing as he lowered himself into bed for the night next to Jellie, curled up on the unclaimed pillow next to his.
The following morning, he woke up with just enough time to get himself dressed before Bdubs and Cleo came bursting through his front door, Bdubs singing a Christmas tune far too loudly for the pre-noon hour. Still it was a wonderful day, swapping gifts and watching the worst Christmas movies they could find. Etho came over later for dinner, and Scar let himself enjoy the time with his small family that he'd pulled together.
And his heart only ached briefly as he watched the trio leave that night, hand in hand (in hand) out into the snow flurries that had slowly begun accumulating over the course of the day.
The next week passed without any significance, as it usually did. Scar slept in on the days even Jellie was to comfortable to demand her food. He did a bit of cleaning around his house that he'd been putting off. He even sat at his desk and worked on some of the oil paintings he'd left half finished for months, staring at the reference photos he'd taken from his last vacation and realizing how long it had been since his last trip. He should probably plan one of those soon, maybe somewhere colder this time, up north to snowy landscapes. Most of the paintings he'd done had been warmer climates or places he'd visited in the summer. Snow would be an interesting new challenge to paint.
Eventually the thirty-first of December rolled around and Scar had almost forgotten about the man who'd left him lying in bed alone nearly a week ago. Except that was a lie because he knew he'd be seeing Grian again tonight at Scott's party and he had no clue how to act about that. Was he just supposed to ignore his all but love confession as Grian had run off on him. Were they supposed to say anything to each other today or simply act as if they were strangers without a complicated past. He had no idea as he pulled on his favorite burgundy suit, buttoning up the undershirt only halfway despite the freezing temperatures outside.
He simply wouldn't think about Grian tonight, he concluded. He would almost certainly see the other man there but he just wouldn't act as if anything were wrong. He would be cordial and polite to the brother of two of his closest friends and not let his own uninvited feelings ruin the party that so many in their town looked forward to every year. Scott's parties were always a grand time, but New Years Eve was always the biggest and the flashiest. Nothing short of what a ringing in of the new year should be.
The party was already in full swing by the time he arrived, a fashionable twenty minutes late, not at all caused by his own inability to keep track of what time it is, not at all. He was immediately greeted by an already intoxicated Ren and Martyn, who were trying to convince him to let Ren take over as Mayor for a week as 'research for his role' for whatever play the theatrical troupe they were a part of was putting on next. Scar told them he'd see if he could, honestly thinking it could be a really fun time, throwing Ren into a political office with absolutely zero training or knowledge of what he was doing. His secretary would maybe finally snap though, quit or something worse like over schedule his meetings, but even that wasn't enough to make the idea too unappealing.
Scott found him next, once Ren and Martyn began speaking dramatically in increasingly undecipherable accents and he managed to slip away into the kitchen. Gem and Impulse were beside him, the three discussing something when Scott broke off to press a drink into Scar's hand and drag him into the conversation.
"All I'm saying is that there is an upper limit to the number of candies you can put on a gingerbread house and Pearl definitely passed that limit." Gem's arms moved wildly as she spoke, nearly hitting Impulse multiple times.
"I though Pearl's looked really good though." Impulse said, laughing at the exasperated look on the red-heads face.
"That's the problem Impulse! It did look good and it's entirely unfair that it does when it's ninety percent gumdrops."
Scar just laughed along with Scott and Impulse. "In her defense," Scar began, "I don't think Pearl has ever cared much about what 'should be' correct. Remember a few years ago when she just decided she was going to rebuild a car engine? That's not usually in the skill set of a high school janitor but she made it look like it was as easy as riding a bike."
"Don't remind me," groaned Scott. "Do you know how embarrassing it is to say the only person in our graduating class with better grades than me became a janitor? She could have been an astronaut or cured cancer but instead she's perfectly happy scraping gum off of desks and painting over bathroom graffiti."
"Pearl is just simply too perfect," Impulse agreed. "Her parent's would have been mortified to see what she's done with her life now, huh."
"Oh absolutely, I'm about half sure that's why she picked it in the first place." Gem raised her glass slightly, "May they be constantly turning in their graves over it, it's the least they deserve. I mean, just look at Grian, it took seven years to get him to come back to this town at all because of them. Jimmy and Pearl are at least making a bit of headway in convincing him to move back though."
Scar did his best to hide the flip his heart did in his chest and tried to keep his voice level and cool. "Is that so?"
He saw the way Scott glanced at him and figured he might have failed the nonchalant act. "Yeah, he's not fully sold on moving back, but he is visiting again next month for a weekend. And they were already planning future visits last time Jimmy mentioned it."
"Good, cool, yeah." Scar said into his drink, right before taking a large sip of the very strong alcoholic concoction that Scott had mixed special for the night. "Good for them."
He talked with Impulse, Gem, and Scott some more before being dragged away by Lizzie. She couldn't find Joel anywhere and needed someone to hold the baby so she could run to the bathroom. Scar was more than willing to play babysitter for the little one, cooing at her and playing peek-a-boo, relishing the sound of unabashed baby giggles until Lizzie returned and took her daughter back with gratitude. They talked for a while, everything from adjusting to life as a parent to the clothing she was designing for work. Eventually though, the little one grew fussy and his friend stepped away to feed her.
He found Skizz and B then, talking in circles around some subject as Skizz tried to explain himself, completely unaware that BigB seemed to know exactly what he was saying and was choosing to respond as if he didn't. Skizz was getting louder and louder as the conversation wore on and Scar just rolled on past them, not in the mood to egg either on further tonight. Maybe later.
He was on his third drink of the night, out on the back porch of the house for a quick breather in the cold air when he heard footsteps crunching in the snow and Grian's soft "Hey." behind him.
"Hello there." Scar didn't turn around, just let Grian walk up next to him and lean against the railing to stare out into the yard like he was.
"How was your Christmas?"
"Went about the same as it usually does for me." Scar answered honestly, or at least as honest as he dared. Not willing to admit the lingering sadness that hung on the edge of his mind the entire holiday. "How about yours?"
"It was- really good actually. I forgot how many silly traditions we had growing up that Pearl and Jimmy insisted on sticking to. And they've picked up new ones too." Grian let out a small laugh. "I've gotta say the Christmas Pickle thing is still confusing to me."
"This is your first Christmas back with them, right? I don't remember them traveling anytime in the last several years."
"Yeah. I missed them." Scar tried to ignore the feeling of Grian's gaze on him at his next words. "I missed a lot."
Scar simply nodded, letting the conversation falter. The silence between them lingered for a bit at the snow dusted the air around them. It was only after the sounds of laughter spilled out of the house that Grian broke the silence. "I'm sorry Scar."
He let the apology sit for a second, taking his time in responding. "You've already said that."
"I know but- You're so dangerous for me Scar and I don't think you realize it."
"I'm the dangerous one?" He couldn't help but laugh, just a touch bitter.
"Yes Scar. You're dangerous. Every time I'm with you it feels like we're in this little bubble where everything is fine. But bubbles pop Scar. I don't want to be floating too high when it does."
"That's a stupid metaphor." Scar finally turned to face the other man, ignoring the way his chest tightened at the sight of him, nose pink with cold and snowflakes caught unmelted in his fluffy hair. "But as someone who has rode that bubble up, the view is nice. Better to have someone to share it with though. You have your issues, that's fine. I can't say I understand them completely because you've gone through a lot I never will. I've been in love with you for nearly half of my life though," He didn't miss the way Grian's lips parted at the admission, or the shift of intensity in his eyes. "I'm not asking you to love me back, but I am leaving whatever happens between us to you. I'll follow your lead, whatever you want. Just don't drag me into something you're not willing to follow through on."
Rather than give Grian a chance to respond, Scar moved, wheeling his chair back inside the warm house. He mingled more, joked and laughed and tried not to think about the declaration he'd made. At least not until Scott stood up on the coffee table in the living room to make an announcement to the party.
"Alright people, just a few minutes until midnight, so you know what that means. Find someone special or down a few more drinks and find anybody willing to share the love."
Scar didn't think anything of it at first, used to the past several year's they'd been doing this where it was just him and his bottle of whatever drink was left by that point in the night, sitting off to the side as he watched all his friends pair up. As he rolled through the kitchen to snag a new beverage though, he felt the telltale prickle of someone staring at him. Spinning around, it took him only a moment to notice the dark eyes across the room. When they connected with his though, he saw a small and tentative smile below them. One that, if he read it right, seemed to be hopeful.
Inviting.
"Here we go people!" Scott called out, bringing almost all the eyes in the room to him. "Ten!"
Scar moved forward, across the room.
"Nine!" came the chorus of voices.
Grian took a couple steps closer, meeting him halfway.
"Eight!"
"Hi," Grian whispered.
"Seven!"
"Hey." The corners of Scar's mouth turned up.
"Six!"
"You sure about this Sunshine?" He gave the man before him one last out. One more chance to make a different decision that the one it seemed he was making.
"Five!"
"I'm not making any promises,"
"Four!"
"but I'd like to give the view a chance."
"Three!"
Scar's face split into a proper grin, happier than he'd been in a week.
"Two!"
Grian grabbed his collar and pulled him forward. "One."
Somewhere fireworks shot into the sky. Somewhere confetti and champaign corks sailed through the air as people cheered. Somewhere nearby a kiss ended with a drop down to a single knee. None of it mattered to Scar though, as his heart picked up speed and his hands wrapped around the back of the man kissing him to pull him closer. Scar's world had narrowed down to a single bubble that he wouldn't let anything pop so long as he could help it.