Work Text:
“Hit me.”
Jasper made athletic micromovements, his eyes never leaving the piece of popcorn as it flew in a perfect arc over the table from Charlotte’s hand into his awaiting open mouth. He threw two fists into the air in victory as they continued to spin on the round couch at a comfortable, merry-go-round pace.
“Yes! That’s eight for eight, my perfect record remains unbroken,” he crowed, before tossing a piece back at Charlotte, who caught it expertly in her mouth as well. Charlotte reached for the bowl in the middle of them, evidently hungry for more than one piece at a time.
“Okay, so this is actually what we were talking about with the conservation of momentum earlier,” she said casually through a mouthful of popcorn.
“Even though we’re spinning, the popcorn travels in the direction we throw it in. Like, if I pick up a piece from this bowl, and hold it up as high as I can, and then I drop it; look, gravity pulls it straight back down into the bowl, it doesn’t go flying anywhere. Even if we were spinning twice or three times as fast, same thing.”
Jasper thought about it. “I’m seeing it happen, but it still seems freaky and kind of fake to me.”
Charlotte shrugged. “Yeah, that's fair. Ummm, let me think of another example.” Jasper marveled at his stunningly intelligent, pretty and kind friend. Charlotte was going places, and he was so proud of her his heart could burst.
“OK,” she started. “So, let's say you were on a speeding train, and you were on one end of a car, and Henry was on the other end–” Jasper perked up attentively.
“–and he was being restrained by bad guys, and you wanted to reach him and help him out, would you run as fast as you can to get to the other end of the car, or would you be able to just – jump,” Charlotte demonstrated with a piece of popcorn,
“–and have the entire floor of the car move underneath you, and then when you landed, you’d be right there, on the opposite end of the car, and then you could just be like, “Aha! I’ve got you, Bad Guys. Now, unhand my friend.”
“Ha,” Jasper deadpanned. “Obviously, Option B.”
“What!?” Charlotte exclaimed, but she could see Jasper grinning at her, and she started to laugh too.
“Come on, Charlotte, that’s way too cool of a story. I vote jump and have the whole train move underneath my feet. That’s definitely how physics works,” said Jasper confidently. “I think I am actually starting to get it though, thanks,” he reassured her.
“No problem. Just think about how things move in real life, and you’ll be on the right track. More popcorn?” Charlotte asked, as they continued to aim for each other’s mouths.
“What if you were standing on a spinning platform, and you really had to go to the bathroom–”
“–yeah, I refuse to answer this question.”
“What? Come on! You said no question is too stupid,” Jasper cajoled.
“It’s not a stupid question, I just don’t want to answer it. Or hear it! What is it with you boys and bodily functions?”
“OK, Charlotte, this may come as a shock to you, but girls actually have those same bodily functions too. Even you. That’s right– girls pee too.”
“Jasper. I– no, you know what? No. We’re not doing this. We're not doing this! I learned my lesson last time with the question about the infinite fart.”
Jasper’s face lit up. “You mean the skill that farts a fart which farts a fart that farts a fart? You used to love that!”
“Um, no, you and Henry used to love that, and then you both resurrected it in the presence of Ray, who got Schwoz in on it too. Worst six hours ever. Anyway. No farts, no burps, no pooping, no peeing, no puking, no combination of those things, none. Charlotte Academy is closed.”
They spun in silence.
“Sooooo, about my question from earlier with the spinning platform-”
Charlotte massaged her temple. “Look. If you and Henry want to go out to the middle of the desert to set up an experiment and have a literal pissing contest far, FAR away from me — like...as far away from me as humanly possible — go crazy. Do not report your findings back to me,” Charlotte emphasized, wrinkling her nose as she delicately took a sip of water before placing more popcorn into her mouth.
“Well, I was just thinking we could do it right here, in the Mancave,” Jasper said, bounding jubilantly past Charlotte’s scandalized expression, “on a hoverboard, with a water gun or something,” he finished. “But I like your idea way better. Thanks, Charlotte!”
“Oh,” Charlotte groaned. Be empathetic, they said. Try to figure out how their brains work, they said. As usual, Charlotte had gone for gold, executed flawlessly, and somehow ended up with a more disgusting idea than the boys in question. She slumped forward until she was resting her head on her arm on the table, heedless to the featherweight popcorn pelting her or Jasper calling out her name.
“Charlotte. Charlotte! Oh, God, I’ve killed her!” Jasper wailed dramatically, until Charlotte giggled as she felt a piece of popcorn hit the back of her wrist. She lifted her head up to make sure there was still some left for her in the bowl.
“OK, can we please talk about literally anything else?” she asked.
“Sure. I accidentally threw two pieces of popcorn into your hair, they’re-”
Charlotte followed Jasper’s guidance and pulled them out.
“What were you and Henry bickering about earlier? It was really loud.”
“Oh,” Charlotte rolled her eyes. “He’s just mad I wouldn't let him be a Klonopin addict.”
“Still?” Jasper asked, highly impressed. “The pharmacy heist was like, seven months ago.”
“Right? So sorry, Hen, that I didn't let you take all those loose pills you gathered off the floor and try them all at once.”
“Well, in his defense, Schwoz could probably help him analyze them first to see what they are,” Jasper started. He would never condone substance abuse.
“And in my defense, no! He can take whatever he wants as long as his doctor clears him first and he’s under medical supervision. But someone doesn’t want to visit the doctor anymore,” Charlotte grumbled. Her eyes focused on Jasper as she remembered something.
“Oh, this is your fault. I blame you.”
“What?!” Jasper burst out. “How is it my fault Henry won’t go to the doctor!?”
“Not that part,” replied Charlotte with narrowed eyes. Jasper looked cluelessly at her as they continued to spin.
“You learned that flute solo,” Charlotte stated astutely, as though it were criminal evidence.
“'Mask Off' is a classic,” Jasper said defensively. “And I didn’t want to forget how to play my instrument, and you said I sounded amazing, Charlotte, what the heck?”
“You did sound amazing, you also must have sounded like the Pied Piper, because shortly after, a wild Henry appeared out of nowhere and followed me around all day, going “Percocets, molly, percocets,” while YOU played your siren song in the corner,” Charlotte accused dramatically, miming playing a flute before pointing a finger at Jasper. “Don’t start!” she warned, as Jasper’s shoulders began to shimmy to the offending imaginary music. “And he’s been re-mad at me ever since!” Charlotte kept up the same two lyrics in a stupid voice over Jasper’s protests, trying to annoy him.
“Alright, you know what, Charlotte, I may have brought him to life, but I’m not the one who looks like I’m trying to actively summon him right now. I hear if you keep repeating yourself, Mask Off Henry will appear while you sleep, so good luck with that.” Charlotte abruptly stopped.
“Also, you know what I’m not hearing in this little attack on me? A ‘thank you for saving my life, Jasper.’ I was this close to transposing the sax on 'Talk Dirty to Me'.”
“How is that saving my li–"
“–How many times do you want to hear Henry say, 'Dos Cadenas, close to genius. Sold out arenas, you can suck my–'"
“–okay, okay, you're right, you’re right, you’re right, I’m sorry. Thank you for saving my life, Jasper." Charlotte shuddered and covered her ears as she gagged.
“Look, I love the guy, but we both know he’s only capable of singing, like, 3 lines at a time,” Jasper smiled fondly. “I’m sure he’ll be back to serenade us with something beautiful and repetitive and beautiful very soon.”
“Don’t give him any ideas,” Charlotte threatened, as Jasper held up his hands in innocence.
“Are you sure we can’t throw grapes into each other’s mouths?”
“I can bring us a bowl to snack on, but grapes make me nervous because they’re kind of heavy and slippery, and I don’t want one of us to accidentally choke on one,” Charlotte said fairly.
“Okay; grapes later, talkcorn now- I got my financial aid package. Drumroll, please,”
Charlotte looked apprehensive as she drummed on the table for her friend. Jasper looked at her fretful face and softened.
“It’s good news, Charlotte. I’m a hundred percent covered, mostly grants I don’t need to pay back, and they gave me work study. Guaranteed job on campus, baby. I’m goin’ to college.”
“Fuck yeah, you are!” Charlotte reached across the table to give Jasper an overhead double high five. She was ecstatic for her friend.
“I love it when you swear,” said Jasper admiringly. Charlotte rolled her eyes as she kept grinning at him.
“I’m so, so proud of youuuuu,” she said as she squeezed his hand, affection coming out almost aggressively through a clenched jaw.
“Hey, I couldn’t have done it without all your help. You helped me figure out how to calculate all those money things, and you helped me work out what to do for the tax documents I couldn’t source. I’ll figure out how to thank you eventually- oh. I just figured out how to thank you.”
“Jasper, I already said I don’t need you to thank me any other way besides saying thank you-“
“I know, but I want to,” said Jasper, looking earnestly at her. “What if I sing you any song you want, start to finish, whenever you want, twice a week until we graduate?”
“Awesome token of gratitude, A plus,” Charlotte said approvingly. She and Henry could carry a tune, but Jasper had one of the prettiest voices she’d ever heard. “I’ll let you know what I decide.”
Jasper winked and gave her a thumbs up.
“You’re a cool gal, Dr. Page.” Charlotte snorted.
“Seriously. You’re always doing cool shit. Like, running the Man Cave, running Swellview High, running charities in Dystopia, fingers crossed.”
Charlotte preened at the praise. She was never arrogant, but the times she let herself be outwardly proud were fun for Jasper to watch.
“Oh yeah? What’s the coolest thing I’ve done this year?” she asked.
Jasper spent an unnatural amount of time deliberating before presenting her with an answer.
“When you and I got partnered in Karaoke Roulette, and we got stuck singing that song you don’t like, and you changed the lyric to Stank Street.” Charlotte blinked, unimpressed.
“Great. So glad that was a highlight for you.”
“I’m serious! It was hilarious. And we lost points for accuracy, but your creative improv won us that round.”
“Well, I was getting bored! Plus, would you not want to kiss someone under the glowing lampposts there? Super romantic,” Charlotte rattled off.
“I would, and I will,” Jasper said adamantly, as Charlotte snickered.
“Aw, what?! I can’t believe you guys are taking each other out to Stank Street, and more importantly, I can’t believe you’re playing Merry-Go-Round-Couch without me!” Charlotte and Jasper swiveled around to watch Henry’s betrayed face spin in and out of view.
They grinned like maniacs and beckoned toward him, yelling in unison.
“Come join us!”