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Despite the December cold, they were driving with the windows down. The road back from the clinic ran alongside the sea. Roman sat there, his freshly washed hair was tied into two braids that stuck out from under his backwards cap and had pulled his jumper up over his nose. He always did that when he didn't feel like talking. The sun beat down on his closed face, bathing it in a soft golden light and Hollis was frustrated at having to keep his eyes on the road. He drove with one hand, the other resting between his own thighs.
Roman had said very little since that morning. Hollis understood. He was still a little shaken from the previous day himself, but he preferred not to show it, aiming to appear as reassuring as possible. However, he had known his friend for a long time, and the deeper Roman sank into silence, the harder it would be to draw him out.
“You've been quiet,” he said softly.
Hollis barely judged anyone. Ever. Not his friends, not his loved ones, not those who had been there for him through thick and thin.
“Sorry,” Roman muttered, his voice hardly muffled by his thick jumper.
It was so unusual to see him like this: reserved and withdrawn. He was always seeking eye contact and the right words to make people laugh, so Hollis felt a little cramped when he presented himself like this.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm just worried," he assured him, barely daring to glance at his friend discreetly. He couldn't scrutinise his reactions as much as he would have liked.
"I don't like doctors," Roman added, sinking a little deeper into his seat. He looked like an owl curled up on itself.
Hollis nodded.
"Yeah," he agreed. "It's over now though. You're okay. The drug will be out of your system by tomorrow."
Out of the corner of his eye, Hollis saw Roman close his eyes for a moment, then open them again and sigh. There was a slight rattling sound in the car as he nervously played with the zipper on his jumper, his long nails tapping on the metal.
"And don't overthink yesterday," Hollis added, feeling a little awkward about mentioning the event again.
“How?” Roman replied instantly this time. He turned his head towards Hollis and gave him the most disarming look he had ever seen. He looked so desperate. Distraught. Confused.
Hollis's heart sank. He didn't know how to respond. The experience had been just as strange for him, and he didn't really know how to handle it either. But he was trying to tell his friend that he didn't regret it and didn't find it weird or disgusting.
"We've always been touchy friends," he said, shrugging his shoulders. Although it was calm, his tone lacked confidence. "It's fine."
"Yeah," Roman scoffed, looking away and crossing his arms.
Hollis would have loved to pull over and give him a hug. At least the car ride was peaceful, offering them a moment out of time. A moment just for them. Even though it was difficult, they had all the time they needed to talk and sort things out.
A long silence stretched between them without creating any distance. They sat together in it, Hollis desperately searching for the right words while Roman swallowed back tears of exhaustion.
The ocean before them was beautiful, rough and wild at this time of day. Hollis thought back to the previous evening and wondered if things could have turned out differently. Perhaps if he had agreed to go home with Roman, there wouldn't have been a problem. If he had spent the evening closer to him, maybe he would have noticed that his drink had been spiked. It was hard not to feel guilty. After that, he thought back to their brief night together. Images flooded his mind, whether he wanted them to or not. He remembered Roman's nails digging into his arm, his smeared eyeliner across the pillow and his muffled moans in the sheets. He remembered how desperate he had been, begging Hollis to help him find relief. He remembered the way his back arched and the messy kisses they had shared. It was all still so clear. So vivid.
He never thought that inviting Roman to spend Thanksgiving with his family would lead to this.
"You got any cigs left?" Roman finally asked, breaking their resentment-free truce.
"Sure," Hollis replied quickly, pulling a pack out of his pocket and handing it to his friend.
"Only one left," Roman said in a small voice after opening it.
"You can have it."
Roman gave him that look, brimming with emotion, for the second time. This time, he seemed touched. Nevertheless, he finally turned away and lit the cigarette.
He took one drag, then two, waiting for the nicotine to take effect.
Then, the words escaped his mouth of their own accord:
"You know I really can't lose you, Hol."
His voice rose to a high pitch at the end, and Hollis gripped the wheel. He hated, fucking hated seeing Roman like this. Without thinking, his free hand shot out and rested on the back of Roman's neck, his thumb resting against his cheek. Roman leaned instantly into the touch, as if he had been waiting for it, and seemed reassured by the contact.
"Shit man, why would you even think that?" Hollis asked, his voice still calm and low.
Quiet. Over time, he had learned how to communicate with his friend, and it had even become second nature. Roman didn't have the luxury of benefiting from a calm mind and often turned to substances as a result, but ultimately, he just needed people to be patient with him. Hollis had always been patient, and the strong bond they shared was rewarding enough.
“Can we stop by the beach?”
"Of course," muttered Hollis, quickly mapping out the location in his mind and figuring out where he could park. Refusing to break the physical contact, he continued to gently caress Roman's cheek until the car came to a complete stop. The two friends then got out into a small, deserted parking lot. Not a soul in sight. Hollis's mom had chosen a good holiday destination; it was easy to keep a low profile here.
"Can’t lie, I like it here," Roman confided shyly as they walked towards the vast expanse of sand.
Hollis smiled.
They walked at a leisurely pace, both still tired from the previous day despite sleeping soundly until three in the afternoon. The strange drug Roman had accidentally ingested made him feel sluggish, so they went slow. No rush. When he reached the water's edge, with the waves almost lapping at the tips of his shoes, Roman stopped abruptly and took a deep breath, taking in the fresh air. His hands were buried in his pockets because of the cold, but he didn't seem to mind. Hollis also found the sea air refreshing. What's more, they were treated to a stunning sunset, with the sun setting the sky alight.
Roman had rarely looked so handsome. Hollis watched him from a few feet away, amazed. His vulnerability had a certain poetry to it, especially given his usual tendency to laugh at everything so he wouldn't have to cry about it. The incident the night before had unleashed something in their relationship that Hollis was convinced had been waiting to happen.
Even though it had only been a few hands between some thighs and a few messy kisses, and even though they had been drunk and acting out of desperation, they had still slept together. Fortunately, Roman seemed more traumatised by being drugged than by having his best friend's hands touch him in intimate places.
"If you want it to change something between us, it can. But if you don't, that's fine by me," said Hollis, and it sounded very much like a confession.
But it was true. He wanted to let his friend decide. To see. To understand. Roman nodded, and they both went to sit a little further away on the cold sand, facing the sea. Roman then leaned forward, resting his cheek and the weight of his head against Hollis's knee. Hollis didn't move an inch. He wasn't trying to understand because he was pretty sure that his friend didn't understand his own actions right now, either. A seagull flew overhead, screeching in their ears. The setting felt real.
"You sayin' we can be whatever?" Roman finally asked, not sounding so innocent. He seemed a little more mischievous now: that was the Roman Hollis knew. The one who liked to tease and provoke gently. The one who always had a silly grin plastered on his face.
“Yeah,” Hollis confirmed. “Up to you.”
Roman sat up straight.
They were facing each other now, like the ocean and the sun beside them at the same moment. Hollis wondered what Roman saw in him. If he saw him as just a friend. Or a little more. Or a little less. If he saw him as just a nice guy who had invited him to spend Thanksgiving with his family because he knew he had nowhere else to go. If he only hung out with him out of interest. Or out of spite.
But no matter what Roman saw in him at that moment, he decided to close the distance between them and kiss him.
Gently. For a brief second, before pulling away.
Dazed, Hollis froze.
Fortunately, Roman kissed him again, and this time Hollis gently grabbed his throat to deepen the kiss. His friend's skin felt cold beneath his fingers. His tongue was burning hot. He tasted of cigarettes. Hollis liked that. He could feel Roman's breath on his skin, his teeth occasionally nibbling his lower lip, and his hand finding his in the sand. Suddenly, nothing else mattered but them.
When they parted, their noses remained touching as if neither of them wanted to move away from the other. Hollis could feel his heart beating rapidly, and right next to it, he could feel Roman's beating even faster.
"I don't fucking know, Hol," Roman admitted, an embarrassed smile spreading across his face. His cheeks were red. He was short of breath. He was cute.
“Okay.”
Hollis didn't really care.
"That's all you've got to say?" Roman asked, surprised.
Hollis kissed his cheek gently, then his nose.
"I just like it when you let me be this close to you," he whispered. Roman raised his eyebrows.
"What a great lover you'd make, Hollis Frazier," Roman teased. But Hollis was just happy to see his friend smile again, so he ignored the teasing.
"Let me kiss you again," he demanded. Roman's smile was contagious.
“Okay.”
And the sunset bore witness to their endeavours, yet when they finally returned home, night had fallen and their pants were most likely sullied with sand.