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It was a calm and wintry afternoon when Hoshina Subaru stepped out of her house. Snowflakes drifted down from the sky as the dim sun set across the horizon, all of the streetlights already aglow. These streetlights included festive multicolored fairy lights, some blinking and alternating colors. It all added up to give her a wonderful feeling: Christmas Eve had arrived. She was excited to meet her friends at a Christmas market that opened up near their usual train station, even clearing up her usually-busy study schedule for the sake of hanging out with her friends. She would do her best to cherish this Christmas Eve.
There was, however, one specific person lurking at the back of her mind: Natsusawa Saku. For months now, Subaru has been thinking hard about his real impact on her life, questioning if her feelings stem from platonic love, or… romance. After she accidentally said something that, in the words of her best friend Kaoruko, “sounded like a confession”, the smile he flashed felt empty and fake. She was worried she had hurt him, and that gave her an intense sense of guilt. She vowed to avoid repeating that mistake. Kaoruko agreed, asking her to think long and hard about what Saku really meant to her, in the hopes that they could learn to better understand their relationship with one another. These sorts of feelings had never been something on Subaru’s mind before this, so she chose to carefully consider what Kaoruko had said to her. She only hoped she could avoid hurting him today of all days.
“Usami-kun said he couldn't make it, right?” Madoka said, her breath thin and exhausted from running towards the group, already late.
“Yeah, I heard he got a job being a mall Santa last-minute. I’m sure he'll do just fine,” Ayato confirmed.
“He's always been pretty good with kids, hasn't he?” Kaoruko remarked, laughing.
The group had decided to hang out leisurely this year, a stark contrast to the last Christmas Eve where they were scrambling around Patisserie Plain to keep up. It took a lot of convincing for Rintaro to wrangle himself free from the responsibilities of the two patisseries he part-times at, but he managed to arrange it such that he had a day off on the 24th. The rest of the group had a pretty trivial time making space for this outing, mostly just stopping their study, except for Shohei. He texted the group explaining that he hoped they could have fun without him, and to make the most out of the day at hand.
And yet, almost immediately, the day had been derailed. For some inexplicable reason, they found themselves at the arcade.
In fairness, it’s not entirely out of the blue. Ayato and Madoka were leading the charge of the group as everyone else followed, and they happened to spot that there seemed to be a new machine installment at their favorite arcade. Fantasizing about shooting zombies in the middle of Christmas Eve wasn’t exactly the whole group’s idea of “festive”, though. It was a bit of a selfish endeavor, but one that they were deeply tempted to go through with.
“They installed 11 new machines? I thought they said they’d finish it by New Years,” Ayato quipped.
“Seems like they got it done early! Wanna try the new games?” Madoka looked into the arcade, excited at the prospect of wielding a gun. “Ah, wait, I forgot… Are you guys okay with it?”
Saku smiled at the enthused gamers. “Go ahead. We promised we’d meet near the tree, right? Just make sure not to get too carried away.”
They took off gratefully, arcade card in Ayato's hand, ready to make the most out of the new machines. The festivities could wait another hour or two, after all.
The remaining four took to wandering the various stalls, surveying the food and drink options available to them. Rintaro was scrutinizing every Christmas cake and gingerbread cookie he could find, even finding himself a full-blown stall selling exclusively normal cakes, without a hint of holiday spirit in them. The cakes looked… perfect. Frustratingly perfect. Kaoruko came to him to see his brow furrowed, analyzing just how the bakers could achieve what they’ve achieved, not even noticing that the plaque above their stall says Patisserie Noisette.
“Hey, Rintaro!”
A tall man (though not taller than Rintaro) with blonde hair and pierced ears approached the frustrated apprentice patissier, a big smile on his face. Rintaro had recognized him as Lucas Durand, but the other three just took to assuming he was his boss. Not an incorrect assessment at all.
“H-hey, boss.”
“Didn’t think I’d see you at the stall today,” he joked. “Hanging out with your friends, eh? Ah, youth.”
He turned to face Kaoruko. “Oh, hey, I remember your face! You must be Kaoruko. He calls you a lot during shifts.”
Rintaro’s face grew as red as a Christmas bauble.
Kaoruko turns respectfully to the older patissier. “My name is Kaoruko Waguri, sir. Rintaro-kun is my boyfriend.”
“I figured as such,” Lucas commented. “My name is Lucas Durand.”
“Honestly, it’s a good thing you came here when you did, Rintaro. We need some hands on deck. Are you free? I wouldn’t want to busy you too much on your day off.”
“As long as it’s paid overtime, I guess. It depends on what the others think.”
“Oh, no, it’s totally fine! Just don’t take too long. We wouldn’t want you to miss out on the festive atmosphere, after all,” Subaru reassured him.
“Festive or not, it’s still pretty early into the night. Just promise us you’ll make up for it later,” Saku said, with a hopeful tone.
“I-if it’s okay,” Kaoruko interrupted, “can I watch Rintaro-kun work?”
Lucas heartily chuckled at the suggestion, shooting a teasing smirk at Rintaro. “Of course! He’d probably be happy to have you!”
“I don’t like that you’re right, boss…”
Subaru's heart felt warm as Kaoruko smiled enthusiastically, given the opportunity to watch her boyfriend work. It would take her a while to realize that she was alone with the one person she was worried about hurting.
Unfortunately for Subaru, it seems that the group hangout had devolved into three separate one-on-one hangouts. This was not what she signed up for, and she couldn’t imagine how Saku felt about it either. Of course, she was glad it was Saku, the two of them had gotten quite close over the last year or so, but she was still unsure of how to feel about the words Kaoruko had said about their friendship, about her needing to strongly consider her feelings for him. It had left between them a sort of awkward air that only Subaru seemed to have to contend with.
Their moment at the beach notwithstanding, Saku was doing remarkably well acting normal around her. She couldn’t understand what it meant, or why he felt so hurt that one time but not once after. Perhaps she really was taking Kaoruko’s suggestion of watching her words in front of him to heart. She hasn’t quite felt a sense of calm when thinking about the space between her and Saku, at least not since that fateful day at the beach.
“It’s a shame the others couldn’t make it,” Saku remarked. “I hope they’re having fun.”
Nervous, Subaru blurted out a response. “Yeah, but… I’m glad we get to hang out together. I’ve been really stressed out from studying recently, and, well–” she caught herself before she could finish her statement.
“What was that?”
“... Never mind.”
Your presence calms me down, she wanted to say—but she knew to watch her words. She couldn’t say such things without knowing if it would help or hurt him. She couldn’t approach him like any of her other close friends. She had to choose her words with discretion, trying to avoid coming off as overly blatant or honest. She’s seen how it’s affected him negatively in the past.
“A-anyways,” she picked up where she left off, “do you want to go to some stalls?”
“Of course, I’d love to.” Saku’s smile shone under the Christmas lights, making him look even more ethereal than he usually did. Subaru caught herself staring, breaking away her gaze as soon as she noticed.
That singular smile was worth a million words. She had come to find deep solace in his smiles, a very rare resource when it comes to Saku. It's been too long since she’s seen him smile like that, and the last time must have been when he made up with Hidaka-kun. God, that was nearly a year ago. Ever since then, his smiles haven’t quite been full, carrying a weight she couldn’t understand. It all came crashing down on that day at the beach, when his hurt smile brought her immense confusion and guilt.
The two of them walked close together, surveying the different stalls. There were so many different wonderful things to check out on this day of the year, so many that it was difficult to pick just one. It seemed like Saku had an idea to get around that issue, though.
“Hey, Hoshina-san,” he said, the Christmas lights on his messy bangs casting a shadow on his face. “How about we split up for a bit? We can meet up here after buying something, then we can see what we got. What do you say?”
“That seems fun,” she replied. Truthfully, she needed a small break from keeping herself together around him. Trying to control her words around him hurt, and she didn’t want to compromise their relationship by saying something she wasn’t supposed to.
So they split up, temporarily, to buy something from the stalls. Subaru already knew what she would get—she had spotted candy canes on her way here, and what better thing to snack on while waiting for an actual meal? It keeps your mouth busy without being overly filling. It was perfect for them to snack on for a few minutes, and it aligned well with the jolly air of Christmas Eve.
On her way to the stall, she tuned herself out from the noise surrounding her. It was mostly the noises of your average crowd, but through the chatter of the bustling holidays, she could make out some uncomfortable remarks.
“Woah, that lady's hair looks just like the snow!”
“What a looker. D’you think she's single?”
“I don't care, dude, I’m shooting my shot.”
Subaru tensed up in the middle of the busy street as a smiling man approached her. His short black hair stood up like spikes on his head, somewhat similar to Rintaro's hairstyle, just shorter. He was about her height, wearing a plastic smile and a look in his eyes that screamed “danger”.
“Hey, nice hair. You're kind of cute, wanna trade numbers?”
Subaru wished she could say something, anything, to take the attention off of her. Even with the comments she frequently got, it was rare a man actually approached her, so she didn't know how to deal with them when they did. She wished she could blurt out I don't have a phone number or I have a boyfriend or some other white lie to get herself out of this situation, but any words she tried to say were caught in the tension between her vocal chords.
“Heh, you okay? You look real nervous. Don't worry, I won't bite.” His smirk sent unspeakable amounts of dread through her spine.
This was it, huh? Turns out men were savage brutes, after all. She could trust her friends all she wants, but at the end of the day, they were the exception, and not the norm. She didn't know how to reject his advances, nor did she know how to avoid this sort of situation. If only she had courage like Kaoruko or diffusion tactics like Madoka, maybe she could stand up to this situation. But, as it stood, she was glued to the busy walkway below her feet as this terrifying man loomed over her.
“Hoshina-san, are you okay?”
It was a voice she recognized. It was Saku.
“I was wondering where you were. I've got my side of the deal already.”
Saku turned to look at the other man, eyes fixed on his dumb smirk.
“And who's this?”
His smirk quickly faded, replaced by a look of confusion.
“Sorry, I haven't gotten mine yet. Wanna go grab it together?” Now Subaru was playing along, too. She felt much more at ease knowing Saku was here.
Thank god you’re here, she thought.
“Of course. Lead the way.”
Saku shot a chilling glare at the man as they walked past him to the stall Subaru wanted to visit. He couldn't stand creeps like him.
“What are you, her boyfriend or something?” He blurted in a fit of anger.
Saku quickly distracted himself, looking towards the shop Subaru was bringing him to. He couldn’t think about that possibility right now. Not while she was right there.
“Ooh, candy canes. Not a bad idea at all.”
The two of them made their way back to the Christmas tree as they set down their haul. Saku had gotten a somewhat selfish gift of Christmas-themed donuts, a treat only he and Subaru would really enjoy. They got candy canes, too. Waiting for the others, they found themselves unwrapping a candy cane each, slowly working away at them as they stood staring at the tree. Their friends may take a while, so it was nice to have something to do, even if it was as menial as licking a candy cane every so often.
Subaru’s head rushed to think about the events that recently transpired. Had Saku not been there, what would the man have done to her? Was she safe now? She felt safe, bringing Saku to the candy cane stall, but how did he feel about the whole ordeal? She must have looked pathetic. The frustration she had with herself made its way to her face as she looked up at the tree, brows furrowed. She couldn’t pretend not to hear what the man said about him, either. Was that sort of bond between them really in the cards? How could he ignore that comment so naturally, when it stuck to her mind like a burr?
I hope I didn’t cause him too much trouble.
“Thanks for saving me back there.”
“It’s nothing, really. I get it. Encounters like that are scary.”
Subaru directed her gaze to Saku’s handsome profile, looking away from the tree. He continued.
“I know how it feels to be approached like that. How it feels to meet someone who won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.”
Saku sighed, his eyes weary.
“Though, I guess it’s a lot worse when you’re talking to guys who think they’re stronger than you.”
“… I guess I haven’t gotten over my fears as well as I thought,” she replied, sadness welling in her eyes as she looked to the ground.
“You know, Hoshina-san, that was entirely out of your control.”
Saku was now looking directly at Subaru, and from the corner of her eye she could see that he wore a soft expression.
“If I were approached by someone so brazen, I think I’d react like you did. I always go out with my sisters or with the others, and they help bail me out of it a lot, but alone? I could never.”
“It’s okay to be afraid, Hoshina-san. You’re already so much braver than you think. I’m sorry for suggesting we split up. Had I known, I would've stayed by your side.”
There he goes again, being all chivalrous and understanding.
Their friends appeared beyond their view. Madoka, Kaoruko, and Ayato were happily chatting away while Rintaro seemed to have been on bag duty for the rest of them. They approached the Christmas tree, calling out to their companions who were standing in wait.
“Oh, our friends are here. What do you say we join them?”
“Of course…”
I don’t know how he’s so supportive of someone like me. He’s believed in me from the start, even through our horrible first meeting. He was kind enough to become my friend, and we both improved together. Although, I don’t know if I’m on his level yet, or if I’m just selfishly hogging him because he makes me feel secure.
I guess it's not really up for debate anymore. I think I get the gist of what my feelings towards him are. He’s just… different, I guess, even compared to Kaoruko. But… would it be right to say anything about it?
He really is different. I can’t compare him to that man from earlier. Hell, I can’t even compare him to my other friends. Something about him makes me feel at ease around him, and it’s so nice to be comforted instead of scared around a man, for once. I don’t understand what makes me feel that way to him when I don’t even feel that way towards Kaoruko. He’s just… so caring. So considerate.
I never thought I’d feel this way with a man. I mean, he saw the way I reacted when that guy approached. It must be why he tries his best to keep his distance sometimes, I guess he’s doing it to protect me. It’s so thoughtful, but I can’t say it doesn’t hurt. I wish we could be closer. I wonder if he feels the same way. Maybe he used to, but he seems so… normal, nowadays. It’s like the day at the beach never even happened. Is he really trying to hide how he truly feels? Or are we really just friends?
I guess my feelings are one-sided after all. I don’t mind that, though. As long as I won’t hurt him anymore.
Subaru snapped off a piece of her candy cane, placing it between her molars.
I’m happy he’s able to smile again. Seeing him like that makes me wonder if confessing my feelings really is the right thing to do. He deserves someone without so much baggage. Plus, I can still feel… at ease… around him, even if I don't confess.
I can’t really tell him how I feel. I can’t say “I love you” to his face, no matter how much I want to.
She crushed the piece of candy cane between her teeth, turning it into a fine mix of mint and sugar in her mouth.
So… I guess I won’t.
Saku was a bit tired of keeping up his smiles. It took everything in his power to act “normal” in the presence of the girl he’s fallen in love with. The one time he let it slip, it led to a lot of confusing behaviors from her: she began acting nervous and began policing her words around him. He could tell. He was committed to making sure he could give her a genuine smile, one that would symbolize their friendship and not his own selfish desire to be with her. It may have taken a lot of energy, but it was worth it to see the smile on her face. It was a friendship he deeply cherished, even if he desperately longed for a deeper bond still.
In the midst of him slowly approaching his friends, he noticed Subaru lagging behind. She seemed focused on him specifically, but he didn't want to come to any conclusions. What could she be thinking of, standing there? Why was she looking at him? He had hoped he could get a break from keeping up the act, from the happiness he'd gotten a little too good at faking. But if one more smile meant she'd come over, then perhaps it's worth the opportunity cost.
“Hey, Subaru! We're back!!” Kaoruko exclaimed to the silver-haired girl.
Saku put on his best closed smile, trying his hardest not to look confused or hurt.
“Come and join us, won't you?”
She smiled back at him. A fake smile.
“I’d love to.”