Chapter Text
Nov 2013
Another game. Another loss.
You would think the New York Admirals would have gotten used to it by now, but no.
Last season, they had given it their all. Every game was played like it was the cup final, and it paid off, kind of. They got to the finale, so close to the gold they could taste it, but Montreal came and took it right from under their noses.
It was a tight squeeze, 10 - 8. They didn’t know if that made it better because they almost won or worse because they almost won, but no one had too much time to dwell on it when their captain, Scott Hunter, came in with all his optimism and promised that if they went the extra mile next season, they could finally bring the cup home after 18 years.
The start of the season was ok, nothing to ride home about, but things quickly took a turn for the worse. Only a month later, the team was totally falling apart, and getting to the playoffs seemed like something that would only happen in their wildest dreams.
Worst of all, Scott seemed to be taking it badly, worse than any other losing streak the team had ever had before.
Coming to the locker after a loss normally involved Scott pointing out everything the team did right and how to fix what they did wrong, promising that he would help during training, however, these days the team would go back to a silence that made the locker resemble a morgue and a tension that could be cut with a knife as everyone replayed in their heads every bad play, every bad call and every goal that never was.
Scott angrily took off his clothing, feeling like a loser in a way he never had before. Not only was he failing the team not just by way of not scoring, but also by being so miserable that he couldn’t even bring their spirits up.
He didn’t know what was going on, he really didn’t. He was giving it his all every day, he was working out like a madman to keep up with the younger guys in the team, he was studying the other teams' games like it was a science, going over their own plays like he was studying for a test, and yet, it was all for nothing.
Scott took a deep breath and talked himself up to finally give the speech that he knew his teammates deserved, but when he turned around he found that they were all already being comforted by who really mattered. Their loved ones.
He looked around the locker as everyone was nose deep in their phones sending messages, or with their phones to their ears or putting them down after finishing a conversation with their parents, siblings, or partners. And for the first time in a long time he admitted that that was his problem. He had no one outside of those four walls.
For a long time he refused to admit that he was jealous and envied his teammates. He would convince himself that he was ok with not having what they had because he was Scott Hunter. Star Hockey player, multimillionaire, attractive, funny, loved by everyone, that was good enough for him. It had to be.
Besides, he had his Hockey family. He loved his teammates and their families. Spending time with them outside of the rink was the highlight of every year.
But now, at 28, he had started to admit to himself that it wasn’t good enough. He wanted someone to sit on his private seats during the first game of the season, someone to wish him good luck, someone to come home to after a particularly bad game, someone to comfort him, someone to give the world to, someone to have a family of his own with.
And with that admission came the realization that it was probably never going to happen, not while he was playing anyway, and he didn’t plan to retire for at least 10 years unless he was forced to do it, so he was going to have to find a way to be ok with being lonely.
Scott turned back around, not wanting to disturb his teammates' conversations and finished getting ready to go home.
“Hey man, why don’t we go to dinner, uh? Rebecca is having a girls' night out. We can go to a nice restaurant and just relax or we could go to my house and I’ll cook something up. What do you think?” Eric said after putting his arm around him.
“Yeah, we can go to the Italian place I told you about,” Carter said with a giant smile before Scott could respond.
He wanted to say no. All he wanted was to go home to his lonely penthouse and sulk on his bed until he fell asleep, but he knew it would be shitty to turn down their invitation, not just as a captain, but as a friend. He was sure they were worried about him, which he hated, so he would go on this dinner and assure them that everything was fine.
“Ok, but you’re paying” He said to Eric with a smile before turning around to leave the locker room.
“Why? You make more money than me” Eric complained.
“You invite, you pay, that’s the rule” Carter said, backing up Scott.
30 minutes later they’re sitting down at a new local Italian restaurant. While they waited for their food they talked about their recent games, not really about how bad they had done in all of them, but more so telling little anecdotes and jokes from them. None of them were in the mood to dissect what they were doing wrong, so they just didn’t touch the topic.
Halfway through their meal, Carter kicked Eric under the table, before signaling to Scott with his eyes. This intervention had been his idea, so he had to start it.
Eric cleared his throat and drank some water before starting. “So, umm, how have you been lately?” He asked, as nonchalantly as he could.
“Yeah, everything’s honkey dory” He said.
“Who 's Dory?” Carter asked, confused.
“It’s just a thing people say,” Scott answered. “Anyway, I don’t know, I’ve been playing like shit I know-”
“That’s not why we’re asking. I mean, of course we care about that, but we care about you Scott, as a friend, not just as our captain” Eric said.
“Yeah man, we want what’s best for you. We want you to be happy. If there’s anything we can do for you or anything you want to talk about we’re here for you, you can tell us, anything” Carter followed.
Scott looked at them while continuing to eat his pasta. What if you tell them? The voice in his head asked, and he considered it. What if he came out to his friends? What would they do? What would they say?
He imagined them being ok with it, maybe being upset that he didn’t tell them earlier but ultimately being happy for him, maybe even encouraging him to find someone to settle down with and helping him come out.
But what if they didn’t? He knew that being ok with a random man in the street being gay and being ok with your best friend and captain being gay weren’t the same thing. What if they made fun of him? What if they saw him as less of a man? What if they outed him? What if they lost their respect for him? What if they pushed him out of their lives?
He knew he was being irrational. They weren’t cruel people, they had never done or said anything for Scott to believe they were bigots. In fact, they were some of the players most willing to participate in pride events, but he couldn’t take the risk of losing everything.
He shook his head, took a deep breath and sat back.
“No, I’m fine, everything's fine, I don’t know, I think it’s because my parents' anniversary is coming up, it’s hitting me harder than normally, not sure why, but I’ll be fine, don’t worry about it.”
“We do worry. A lot, because we care about you” Carter said, and that had to be the most serious Scott had ever seen him be.
“Yeah man, you’re our best friend first and foremost. If you’re not ok we can’t be ok either” Eric agreed.
“I appreciate that,” Scott said, doing his best not to let the tears that were building up escape.
“You know what, we should go on a trip, the whole team. We can go to my cottage, stay the weekend. Chill, have fun, I think that would put everyone in a better mood” Eric offered.
“I doubt the coach is going to be ok with that, but yeah, I’m down if everyone is” Scott agrees.
“Yes!” Carter said with the excitement of a child. “I love your cottage, I’m going to buy one like that when I get married”
“Who are you going to marry?” Scott asked.
“I don’t know, someone, at some point I have to get married right?. I’m 26 now, I have to hurry up if I don’t want to die alone” Carter said with a laugh. Scott laughed too, but it was empty. He was sure he would die alone.
“Anyways, I’ll talk to-” Eric started but got interrupted by his phone. “Sorry guys” He said before picking up “ Hello?... Honey I told you not to get drunk… I’m out with the boys… Ok, fine, I’ll go pick you up, do not move… Bye, I love you” He hung up and let out a deep sigh. “Sorry guys, Rebecca got a little tipsy and is insisting that I pick her up now. Umm, I’ll talk to the coach and I’ll let you guys know everything” He said while trying to get the waitress's attention.
“It’s ok, you can go, I’ll pay” Scott offered.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, it’s fine, don’t worry about it. Go pick up Rebecca before she walks into traffic barefoot again”
“Thank you man, I’ll see you tomorrow” Eric said while quickly leaving the restaurant.
“I’m out too. I have a meeting with my publicist tomorrow morning. I hope it’s good news about that Rolex thing,” Carter said while getting up from the table and offering Scott a hug, which he took. “Seriously, anything you need, just let me know, I’ll even help you bury a dead body, or many if I have to.”
“I appreciate that, though I don’t think I have what it takes to be a serial killer,” Scott said.
“Well, you never know. I’ll see you later. Bye”
“Bye”
Scott paid for their dinner and walked home instead of taking an Uber. Every time he spent time with his friends he dreaded getting home afterward. He wished he could make their hangouts last forever, like they did when they were younger, but at last. He arrived at his empty, dark and lonely apartment, slowly took off his clothes before lying on his cold, enormous bed so that he could stare at the ceiling and play his favorite game.
What would I do if I could be me?