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The mall was already loud when they got there.
The music was too loud. The lights were too bright. There was so much fake snow that they were probably breathing it in. Standing at the entrance was Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian, all with varying degrees of horror splashed across their faces.
“Why,” Muttered Jason, “Did we decide to leave Christmas shopping until last minute?”
“Because we’re stupid?” Tim groaned. “God, I should have just used same day shipping.”
“Lighten up!” Dick said, grinning. “Now we get to experience all of the decor while we shop!” Damian rolled his eyes.
They took five steps inside.
A woman screamed.
Not because she was in danger, because a man dressed as Santa tripped over her stroller and knocked a display of glass ornaments over.
“This is going to be a nightmare.” Tim said, eyes wide.
Five seconds later, a child ran past them screaming, chased by another child wielding a plastic candy cane like a sword. Jason stumbled out of the way.
“I hate everything about this place.” Dick waved him off and clapped his hands together.
“Okay! Divide and conquer. In and out. Thirty minutes, tops.” Damian looked offended at the words coming out of his mouth.
“That is an absurdly inefficient estimate.”
“We’ll meet back here when we’re done!” Dick said, ignoring Damian. Jason went to argue, but the crowd surged, separating them.
+
Jason was having the worst time. He was in a candle store.
There were at least forty smells competing for dominance, and every single one of them was strong enough to make him sick. A sales associate appeared at his elbow like a demon summoned by misery.
“Shopping for someone special?”
“No.”
“For family?”
“That’s a strong word.”
“For-”
“Look,” Jason said, rubbing his face, “I just need something that says ‘I tolerate you’ but smells like ‘I care.’” The associate nodded solemnly.
“Mahogany teakwood.”
Jason bought three.
+
Tim was spat out by the crowd at the front of the line for Santa photos.
“Next!” Someone grabbed his arm and before he could say anything, he was sitting on Santa’s lap.
Tim froze.
“There we go!” An elf with a headset chirped as he positioned the camera. “Big smile!”
“Wait, I’m not-” Tim started, but Santa’s arm tightened with the unyielding grip of a man who had wrangled toddlers for eight straight hours.
“What do you want for Christmas, son?” Santa smiled. Tim’s brain short-circuited at the question.
“A… nap?” He offered weakly. Santa laughed like it was the funniest thing he had heard all day.
“Don’t we all!”
The camera flashed.
“Merry Christmas, child.”
“I’m an adu-” Tim was cut off by another elf pulling him out of Santa’s lap.
+
Dick was in a clothing store with a truly outrageous display of ugly Christmas sweaters.
He grinned like a kid in a candy store.
+
Damian was in Build-A-Bear.
He frowned at the display.
“Excuse me.” He said to an employee. “What is the purpose of only selling the carcasses without the insides?”
The employee blinked at him. Opened their mouth. Closed it. Blinked again.
“We… uh…” They said carefully. “We put the stuffing in after you pick one.”
Damian narrowed his eyes at the bears.
“This is inefficient.” He decided. “However,” He picked up a black bear with red stitching on its paws, “This one looks sufficiently threatening. Todd will enjoy it.” Soon, the bear was stuffed to maximum capacity, dressed in a tiny black hoodie, and had a recorded voice box.
“I will destroy you.” The bear said in Damian’s voice.
Perfect. One down.
+
By the time the boys had returned to the meeting spot, they all looked like they had been run over and were carrying more bags than they thought they would be.
“Never again.” Tim muttered, eyes wide. “Next year I’m ordering everything.”
“It was fun!” Dick said, sporting a new ugly sweater. “I’m filled with holiday joy!”
“I’m filled with holiday dread.” Jason replied.
They finally walked out of the mall, loaded their purchases into the car, and argued about their day the whole way home.