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Buck watched bitterly from the corner as Hen and Eddie laughed the night away on cheap champagne provided by the department. Ravi was on his arm for the night but he wanted to be in the room, or table, where it happened. Where it’s happening, as much as Buck knew Hen was a not-at-all single lesbian, he couldn't help but let a little inkling of jealousy slip past the masks that he usually wore.
And it wasn't like Buck was in love with him like Maddie suggested. It was a feeling he couldn't quite explain, it felt like a boa constrictor was making a meal out of his heart….in a friend way.
He knew that sounded silly, immature, but he couldn't be in love with Eddie because Eddie was straight and that’s it. End of discussion.
A sinking feeling crept up the back of his skull but he shook himself and put an additional mask on, convincing himself that he needed to be the most cheerful person on the planet at the current moment.
Putting on a jolly smile he looked away from them and instantly locked eyes with the person he was attached to for the night, Ravi.
“You’re acting weird, Buck.” were the first words out of his mouth and they were already two hours into the event. It made him uncomfortable, the way Ravi just observed like that.
“What do you mean?” he still entertained him, they were partners now that Eddie had been trained and promoted to firefighter/paramedic.
“I don't know, you keep staring at Eddie like you’re yearning for him” he sipped the shitty champagne they were given.
“Can you yearn in a friend way?” he was genuinely curious and Ravi raised his eyebrows.
“No, I don't think you can.” His answer didn't shock Buck because he learned the answer to that question a long time ago. Ravi’s eyebrows gained a new height as Buck replied,
“Okay, well I'm not yearning in their direction at all, as a matter of fact.”
“I never said anything about that” he set down his glass with a smirk that said gotcha!
“Well you implied it.” He pointed his finger at Ravi.
“No-o-o you sir implied it first.”
“Nuh-uh!”
“Yuh huh!”
“Nuh-uh!” Ravi was about to rebuttal with another yuh-huh when all of a sudden the mistletoe rounded a corner gunning straight for them.
“Okay okay, if you’re not yearning for Eddie or anything, go catch him under the mistletoe.” It was a dare of the highest degree. Something that was so innocent if it didn't mean anything to Buck but of course it did. Ravi had known him for three years and a few good, drunk, nights and any sane person could see that he had it bad for Eddie, he just didn't know why Eddie couldn't see that-outside of the whole being straight thing, and even then that was an excuse. Everyone could see his feelings, he could tell, and this was just confirmation.
However his competitive side is much much stronger than his feelings so, instead of dwelling on anxious what-ifs and confessions he hasn't had time to process, he smirks and says,
“Challenge accepted.” He walked straight to Eddie, plucking the mistletoe straight from the guy carrying it, turns Eddie to face him, and plants a kiss straight on his lips holding the mistletoe above their heads.
No fireworks or noise behind it but for a second Buck felt Eddie lean into the kiss before he pulled away and there was a cacophony of butterflies unleashed inside of him.
“H-merry Christmas Eddie.” he could feel the blush on his face as he walked away back to his table. The feeling of wanting more was undeniable at that point, unbearable even, and Ravi looked at him struggling to keep a straight face while feeling every single eye on him.
“So, not yearning?”
“Totally not.” he wheezed out, trying to keep it together and calm down but failing miserably.
“Uh-huh, well my couch is always open, as long as you pay me per session." Ravi laughed before walking away and over to the table where May was seated.
He turned around and no one was looking at him, just his anxiety, but Hen was staring at him.
He walked back over to the food and tried to forget the feeling of Eddie leaning into him.
—--
When the party was over and the energy dipped, Buck still couldn't shake the feeling. And it wasn't until after they had cleaned up the trash and waste around the firehouse that he had to come face to face with those feelings again.
Eddie walked up to him, it was late, and they hadn't finished cleaning up until three hours after the party so they were tired. He had a look on his face that looked like he was anxious to ask Buck something.
“Hey, eds.” he let the nickname slip out, trying to lighten the mood. There was a slight blush on his face but Buck decided to ignore it, they had been cleaning after all.
“Hey, Buck.” He put a hand to the back of his neck, again, like he was anxious but Eddie never got anxious when it came to Buck.
“What’s up?” He continued the small talk, trying to ignore the rising feeling in his chest, like a symphony in the other room.
“Oh, nothing, I was just wondering if you wanted to come to our place for Christmas dinner?” The offer was on the table, this wouldn't be the first time he had Christmas dinner with Eddie and Chris but there was something different about this time, like there had been a change, like Eddie had changed. And buck could see it, the way he held himself earlier before the kiss, in the way Hen and him were joking together, it was like something was unlocked inside of him. Buck needed to know what happened behind closed ambulance doors.
“Sure.” was his response, trying to play it cool, the symphony growing louder.
“Okay cool, see you then.” he smiled, the first smile directed at him since before Eddie left for Texas. It breaks something in Buck to see that smile again, like the walls were coming down for the first time since his break up with Tommy.
Am I in love with Eddie? This was not the time to be asking obvious questions but the question still entered his head with his quickened heartbeat acting as the jeopardy timer jingle. There was no response to what Eddie had said but they were standing there in silence, Eddie waiting expectantly for something while Buck just stood there and stared, lost in thought.
it finally caught onto Buck that Eddie was waiting for him to say something in response anyway and he stuttered out “Y-yeah, see you then.”
They grabbed their bags from their lockers and headed out to their cars, nothing else could be said other than good bye or night.
When Buck got back to his new apartment, he parked his car in his driveway and rested his forehead against the steering wheel for a few seconds. He’s in love with a man he’s known for more than 8 years and to add onto an already life-altering situation he now has to have dinner with the same man and his son on Christmas day.
He sighed, a big long frustrated sigh, and gathered his keys and went inside his empty apartment.
—--
It was Christmas day. He had gone over to Maddie and Chim’s place to trade presents and hang out with Jee. and half-way through his time being there it was almost like Maddie had x-ray vision, like she could see exactly what had happened that night, like he was wearing his heart on his sleeve.
“What’s the matter?” Maddie asked, sitting down next to Chimney.
“Huh, nothing’s wrong.” he looked away from her, unable to lie to his sister.
“There is totally something wrong with you!” she laughed but there was a look on her face like the one ravi had a few days prior.
“You cannot tell anyone, but…i think I'm in love with Eddie” he folded, his sister was right afterall. Chimney’s coffee mug clattered on the floor next to Buck, who looked up to see his jaw was joining it.
Maddie squealed like a little girl getting a pony on Christmas and rushed to hug her little brother tightly.
“I’m so happy!!” she exclaimed right in his ear. “I knew something happened at the Christmas party!”
“Ah, alright alright, I haven't told him anything yet. Actually I'm deathly afraid to, and I'm having Christmas dinner with him and Chris tonight so uhh pointers?” He looked at his sister and his brother-in-law, who was now cleaning up the spilled coffee with a towel.
“Okay, why don't you just tell him?”
“You know why, Maddie.”
“Why, because he’s straight?”
“Well, yeah.” It was like pointing out the obvious.
“Buck, I'm gonna say this one time and one time only,” Chimney piped up, coming back from the trash in the kitchen.
“Yeah?”
“Eddie is as straight as your hair.”
“You cant just assu-”
“Nuh-uh-uh none of that, I have it on good authority that my statement is as true as it is.” he wraps his arm around Maddie with a shit-eating grin.
The grin spread to Maddie as she realized who that authority was, however Buck was still confused.
“I’ll just figure something out.” he got up to put his dish in the sink, turning away from thing one and thing two.
—-
Just listen to your heart-
-Were the last words out of Maddie's mouth before she shut the door on him and he drove back to his place to get ready for tonight, they floated on the wind and existed in everything he listened to like a broken record on repeat.
If he wasn't listening to his heart then how did he end up in this situation?
He decided to pick up some poinsettias that were in the window of a shop he passed by on his way to Eddie’s. They were a vibrant red with dark green leaves and they reminded him of the mistletoe that had caused this whole spiral. He tossed them in the back of his jeep so he could focus on the road.
When he got there, he could see the warm lighting of Eddie’s house from the outside, he knocked on the door and was greeted by Tia Pepa. He could tell from her sunken eyes that the grief had taken hold despite the smile she put on, he swooped her up into a tight hug and only let her go when he saw Eddie walk out from the kitchen….in an apron. The smell of food and Eddie’s frazzled hair were enough for Buck’s brain to tell him that Eddie had cooked part of Christmas dinner.
“You cooked?” he was already breathless.
“Yeah I did, are those poinsettias?” Eddie reasonably questioned.
“Y-yes, i saw them in a shop window and thought they’d be nice.” Flustered, he handed them off to Eddie who gladly took them. They locked eyes for a brief second before one of the timers went off and he rushed back into the kitchen taking the poinsettias with him.
“Thank you, evancito. Come, sit down with me.” Tia Pepa led him over to Eddie’s familiar couch. He melted into the familiar texture, his shoulders relaxing as soon as they touched it.
“I know we haven't done this in a while, I would have made something if Eddie wanted me to but he told me that you guys had it handled.” he laughed and Pepa put a hand on his knee and gave him a look that said I know what you’re going through and I've supported you two through and through since i’ve met you. Or at least that’s what it said to Buck,
“What’s up?” he decided to ask instead of accidentally misinterpreting her gestures.
“I know.” was all she needed to say for his brain to put together that he was not misinterpreting her gestures. She patted his leg and leaned back into the couch looking off into the distance.
“Okay, dinner is almost ready.” Eddie came out of the kitchen, apron gone, and Buck wished he could have taken a picture of Eddie in it. His hair looked like he ran a hand through it and as he walked strands from the un-brushed mess fell in front of his eyes. He was beautiful in the warm light, and Buck knew then he was actually screwed because he wanted nothing more than to be able to say I love you Eddie instead of,
“Can you pass the Pozole?”
It was trivial trying to avoid Eddie’s gaze when they were seated across from each other at the head and end of the table.
Their gaze connected every so often while they were passing around dishes and in between stories and replies. It was electrifying, each glance that they caught each other on meant something more to each of them and it was probably the most unbearable dinner Buck had ever been a part of despite being surrounded by people he loved.
After dinner was done and they were stuffed beyond themselves, Eddie resided at the sink washing dishes for everyone while Tia Pepa helped dry them.
Buck knew this was probably going to be his last chance to say anything to him before they traded presents and he left so he walked right up to Pepa and asked her if she’d swap places with him. She smiled and handed him the dish she was drying and the towel and patted him on the shoulder before disappearing into the living room.
“Hey,”
“Hey, Buck.” The water was loud but Buck’s heartbeat was louder.
“Listen, I need to talk to you.” he just needed to rip this off like a band aid, the feeling in his chest was turning to pain…and not the good kind.
“About what?”
“Us? You and me I guess, I need to talk about what happened a couple days ago.” he said it, no take-backsies, ripped off that band aid and a fair amount of skin in the process.
The water stops, Eddie turns to face Buck and Buck feels like slamming his head into a wall.
“Okay, talk to me.” he said, too calmly.
“I don't know if this has been hiding under years of repression or just straight obliviousness but I have not stopped thinking of our kiss since we kissed.” he was jumbled and about to start rambling nervously when Eddie shuts him up with one line,
“Are you thinking about it right now?” he looked at Eddie, really looked at him and saw that spark in his eyes that he had seen before everything happened; before they both lost people and before he subleased his house, before everything.
And the thing was if he could speak and chose to say no, he’d be lying through his teeth so he just spluttered standing there staring at Eddie wanting to say yes but fearing the worst despite having everything laid out at his feet.
Eddie had had enough, he couldn't stop thinking of their kiss since that fateful day and he could obviously tell based on this conversation Buck hadn't been able to stop thinking about it either.
So he did what any sane person in this type of situation would do and put down his dish gloves, grabbed the still-flustered Buck by the hips and kissed him on the lips, snaking his hands up to cup Buck’s face.
Butterflies burst from their cages inside of Buck’s chest, his eyes wide open until he melted into the kiss. Their hands roamed each other’s bodies until they broke apart for air. Close to eight years of sexual tension filled one kiss and their worlds collided, the sky fell around them as they kissed in Eddie’s kitchen.
There had been so many moments that had happened in that kitchen that Buck was kind of glad that this was one of them.
There was a grey area surrounding their friendship now, blurred lines, but today was Christmas and they had the rest of their lives to figure out what they wanted to be.