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The night air was cold and crisp. The day had been short, night lasted longer and crept in sooner. The moon stole more time from the sun. A constant push and pull, a battle that never had a clear winner.
What a dramatic way of thinking. That time could be stolen instead of the seasons simply changing. Forever rolling from one into the next in their endless cycle
Izuku had learned his own life was an endless cycle. Unable to escape the routine beaten into his skin, carved into his bones.
This year was no different.
Like every year since he turned five, his dad would come home for Christmas. Hisashi would be the perfect husband to Inko. Every move he made was sweet and full of love. Gifts exchanged between them and the perfect Christmas happened.
Izuku always sat as far as he could get from them in the small living room. Silent and observant. Watched what he knew Christmas was supposed to be like for him yet…
Yet he sat off to the side quiet and forgotten. Doing his best not to break their bubble of peace. He longed to feel just a shred of the warmth they shared. The joy that only a holiday like Christmas could bring to a small broken family.
And like every year before his mom left, her job always called her away in the early evening. Izuku always dreaded this bit, being left alone with Hisashi. He never knew what he did to make his dad so mad, why he became so full of rage at the sight of Izuku. This the first lesson carved into his flesh, the scars from his dad's rage never faded.
Hisashi Midoriya hated his son simply for being born.
From his spot he watched them say their goodbyes. The press of a kiss to his mother cheek, whispered words of safety and love between them, and then the closing of a door.
A lock slid into place.
A heavy boot fell. Once… twice… getting closer.
Izuku's gaze met Hisashi's.
Burning rage was all he could see before Izuku slipped from his body. Finding that hidden place at the back of his mind to hide. Where he would escape the pain and cruel words.
When Hisashi was done, Izuku felt himself slowly return. He was a broken boy laying on the floor. Breaths heaved in his shattered chest and tears streamed down bruised cheeks. The silence that filled the house demanded his full return.
The sharp snap and hiss of a can cracked open was his final sign. The final act of the evening. Izuku pulled himself up. Stood on shaking legs and left. Not sparing the time to grab something warm to wear, or shoes to protect his feet.
Izuku walked out the door and wandered in a daze.
The bench was cold beneath him as he tried to shake of the memories. Tried to pull himself close to something human. Something normal. The cold air soothed his bruises and burns. His body ached, it burned, he was so tired. Bone deep and weighing him down, it forced him to stay seated on the bench.
A part of him knew he needed to act but through the fog that clouded his mind it all felt too big. The list long and impossible to accomplish by himself.
Weak. Useless. Unwanted. Burden.
Hisashi's loud voice boomed in his mind. No matter how hard he tried to shake it, he knew the man was right. That was the second lesson branded into his soul.
Snow fell from the sky in a gently cascade. Large fluffy clumps that were beautiful for the day. A perfect, picturesque night for Christmas. It wasn't that late, but the sky had darkened in the time he's sat here. His footprints already buried by the snow. It looked soft and fluffy, a beautiful unblemished blanket that coated everything. Including him.
Izuku couldn't find the strength to dust the snow off himself. It weighed down his curls, sat heavy on his shoulders. He watched the little clumps land on his hands. Watched as they melted on his phone, clutched between his shaking fingers.
He should wipe it off, at least try to prevent the water from doing any damage but the screen lit up again.
Hitoshi 5:27pm: Christmas is weird but
Hitoshi 5:27pm: It's nice…
That's right, this was Hitoshi's first Christmas with a loving family. Izuku was relieved that his best friend could experience that. The warmth and joy of the season.
Izuku's thoughts drifted back to his own night. The loneliness and the pain. So much pain.
His screen lit up again, another message that pulled him away from his memories.
Hitoshi 5:35pm: Dude, have you seen the snow?
Hitoshi 5:38pm: Pops wants to have a snowball fight. Help.
He should reply this time. Izuku was always quick to text his friend back but finding the strength to move was hard. Forcing his frozen limbs to do anything required far too much energy that he didn't have.
Izuku 6:12pm: The snow is pretty, it's cold.
His fingers shook as he typed, auto correct fixed the worst of his mistakes. His hands were starting the freeze. His fingertips long since numb. His joints felt as though they were on fire. His mangled hands always hurt so much worse when winter crept in, and being outside without gloves made it almost unbearable.
Izuku wasn't sure what time he left home at. He didn't know how long he wandered either or which park he was sitting in. But he could feel how the cold had dug it's claws in. Deep and unyielding.
His phone kept vibrating in his hands. More messages from Hitoshi that he couldn't force his eyes to read anymore. His vision hazy. Izuku wasn't here, not really. His mind kept drifting away. Replaying memories of pain from his father over the years. The way his mother never looked at him on Christmas, or the following day. How she always did her best to never see what happened to him.
There was a routine here too. The way she avoided looking at him yet left food within his reach at all the right times. The med kit under the bathroom sink would be freshly stocked any time he pulled it out. Hisashi would leave first thing in the morning and a heavy. unbearable silence would consume the house.
The first year this routine happened he begged his mom to help him. She had only held him and cried. No apologies poured from her lips. It was a grim acknowledgement that this would continue to happen. Izuku would be hurt many times over the years by various hands. Each time his mom would silently set out what was needed to fix himself.
His mom would never offer to help, never offer to fix it all or protect her child. It was the third lesson seared into his skin. Izuku deserved all the pain and scars for being quirkless. Having a quirk now doesn't change these facts.
His phone buzzed violently in his hand. Izuku pried opened his eyes. Confused on when he'd closed them. Only to find the world tilted, not quite- oh he had laid down too. He was tired, maybe a little nap before going back home wouldn't be so bad?
Izuku felt… well not much of anything. His body was numb and frozen where he laid on the bench. Injuries forgotten and numbed by the cold. His head foggy and he couldn't bring himself to focus. He thinks alarm bells should be sounded, that something should be screaming at him to save himself.
But the world was calm and still around him. The snow still fell in steady clumps. It muffled all sound and created a peaceful bubble around him. He sighed, eyes drifting shut once more.
Another buzz. He tapped the screen and forced his eyes open again. Bright light blinding him for a moment before he scanned the notifications. All from one person.
Hitoshi 6:31pm: Are you outside?
Hitoshi 6:33pm: Izuku?
Missed call.
Hitoshi 6:40pm: Izuku you're really starting to freak me out.
Missed call.
Hitoshi 6:46pm: Izuku I need you to answer.
Missed call.
Missed call.
Hitoshi 6:55pm: Please just tell me where you are.
Izuku wouldn't do that. Hitoshi was having an amazing Christmas with his new family. It was his friend's first real Christmas. He couldn't interrupt that. He wouldn't!
You already have. A voice whispered in his mind. You're so selfish, taking him away from his family.
Izuku's heart sank at the truth of it. He couldn't handle his own mess and now he's dragging Hitoshi into it. Pulling his friend away and demanding attention like the whiny child he's always been.
He hauled in a deep breath, cold air stinging his lungs as he gathered what little energy he had left.
Izuku 7:03pm: Don't worry. Spend time with family.
There, he did it. He watched the screen for a moment longer. Three dots appeared at the bottom, Hitoshi typing some sort of reply.
Hitoshi 7:03pm: Where are you?
Why wouldn't his friend just leave it be? He was fine! He would be fine just like always. Izuku would take a little nap here and then go back home. Patch himself up and pretend everything was okay. Hisashi would leave in the morning. His mom would silently set out food when she was supposed. It was his routine and it hasn't failed him yet.
His eyes drifted shut once more. The heavy weight of exhaustion settled in him. His mind empty and quiet. Breaths slow and even.
This was okay, he would take a little nap to regain some energy. That was all he needed right now. The fear, the worry and pain all slipped away from him.
The phone mercilessly vibrated in his hand again but his grip failed. His thumb tapped uselessly against the screen as it slipped from his grasp.
With a sigh Izuku let himself drift away.
There was a time he thinks he was loved. Distant and faint. The memory of it far away and hard to hold.
Warm arms wrapped him in a tight hug. The good squeezy ones that left him giggling and begging his mom to let go. Her bright bubbly laughter surrounded him as raspberries were pressed to his temple in return.
He remembers the smell of Katsudon and her laugh ringing out every time he cheered and hugged her legs. Thank you tumbling from his lips in a hurried stampede. He could almost see that soft look on her face as he ate. Could almost remember the love her eyes held then.
Sometimes when night had crept in, she would slowly step into his room. His blankets were a protective shield in the dark and weighed him down. Warm and sleepy he couldn't pry his eyes open. He listened to his mothers soft words, a lullaby of peace and love, while gently running her fingers through his curls. Those nights were his favorite as she lulled him to sleep.
Midoriya.
Those moments had faded the older he became. The memories of it all grew hazy, dream like and fuzzy around the edges. Sometimes he was convince he made them up. A sad, lonely boy desperate for even a scrap of love.
As he grew up and the years flew by, his skin went from perfectly smooth to disgustingly scarred. He knew those memories were just the musings of a desperate child. One who had done nothing to deserve those soft tender moments. Had done nothing to deserve his mothers attention and never would.
Izuku was a lonely child with an abusive father and a ghost of a mother, undeserving of anything more. Anything better. That was the final lesson etched into his bones.
Midoriya.
In the quiet of the UA dorms something began to shift. For awhile it was just him haunting the dorms kitchen. Nightmares forced him awake and unable to relax he would seek out a warm cup of tea. He had grown used to doing this alone. Calming his racing heart and mind, easing away his fears in the dark of the night. Where no one could see how weak he truly was.
He knew this was something he should have never learned to do alone. He should have had his mom chase away the monster and protect him. She should have taught him how to deal with these feelings and how to fix what was broken.
Izuku would always be left to figure it out alone.
Please.
That changed when Hitoshi joined the class. It was a painfully slow change. What started as Shinsou wanting his own cup of tea turned to silent company. With time the boys grew to seek each other out. Eventually secrets were shared. Whispers in dark comers as both their fears and memories were brought to light.
They chased away each others monsters. Reassuring words and gentle reminders that neither needed to be alone anymore. On particularly bad nights, Izuku would seek out Hitoshi. Only able to calm his mind and finally sleep with his friend nearby.
Izuku likes to think he offered the same thing back. They couldn't fix the broken pieces of their lives, yet they would be each others safety when needed.
Please!
He wants his friend now. Wants to whisper secrets and have Hitoshi reassure him that for once he is not alone. That he will never be alone again.
Izuku wants to break and cry and scream about it all. To finally voice the years of pain and misery he's suffered through. To beg someone, anyone, to see him as something worthy. Something that could be deserving of love and those tender embraced he barely remembers.
He wants to know what it would feel like to be held again. To be small and protected wrapped securely in someones hold. To let himself break apart knowing someone would be there to piece him back together.
Izuku was a lonely and broken boy begging for someone to piece him back together. He couldn't do it himself anymore.
Izuku!
Maybe it was his turned to be saved.
Gentle murmurs slowly became clear to him. He couldn't make out what the voices were saying, it just grew in volume. Something he could barely hear become a touch louder than a whisper. The words blurred together. He listened to the sound of it, enjoying the noise.
Just as slowly he became aware of his body. He was cold and his joints ached, muscles sore and everything far too heavy to move. Something warm was wrapped around him, he couldn't move. He did think he wanted to anyways.
This all felt…safe. It was odd, something he hadn't felt in a very, very long time.
He drifted in and out, the voices growing louder and fading away just as quickly. His body much the same. Some moments the pain was unbearable, his throat ached as he whined. Other moments he was numb and drifted far away.
This time was different. A hand brushed through his curls, soft and slow. Just enough to wake him, draw him closer to the surface. A deep voice spoke quietly. At first it was nonsense to his ears, but as time passed he could pick out the words.
"-lem Child, come back to us. I know it's hard but I promise we'll be here." For a moment the voice stopped, stumbled before continuing. "It will all be okay kid, I will make it okay again."
Izuku's chest felt tight, impossibly so, with something he couldn't name. Longing for something he's never had. Sorrow for what could have been. A mix of so much more that he couldn't pick apart.
"Wake up kid, let us help you. You won't be alone anymore."
Not alone… it sounded nice, impossible for him but he wanted that. He wanted someone to hold him so badly.
His breath hitched, throat tightening. The person beside him must have noticed. Their voice grew a touch louder when they spoke next, hand a little firmer in his hair. Grounding and so very real.
"Hey Izuku. You can do it. Come on back." They spoke. Izuku listened.
Opening his eyes, it took a moment for his vision to focus. He laid on his side, allowing him to see that the room was dim. Soft yellow light glowing from somewhere off the the side. It backlight the man beside him. Aizawa knelt beside him.
The sight of his hero knocked the breath from his lungs. The man's usual tired gaze was filled with that of concern. For him. Eyes puffy and red from lack of sleep, maybe even tears shed. Black eyes scanned his own searching for something, Izuku was too tired to figure it out.
"Welcome back Izuku." The words were a whispered sign of relief. Izuku felt his eyes burn at the tone. He openly stared at his hero, unable to look away. If he did, would all this care disappear? Would Aizawa walk away?
"What do you need kiddo?"
"Hug." His croaked out far too fast. His hazy mind unable to force down that childish need. Shame welled up fast. Izuku closed his eyes, fearing how the hero would react to such a stupid whim.
Only…
Whatever he was laying on dipped from additional weight. Warm steady hands landed on the fabric wrapped around him. With some maneuvering he didn't dare fight, Aizawa pulled Izuku to his chest. Strong arms held him close. His heart cracked before shattering in the warm embrace of his hero.
Overwhelmed Izuku cried with what little strength he had. Safe and protected within his hero arms. It was everything he had ever wanted for years.
"You'll be okay kid. I promise. It'll all be okay." Aizawa reassured.