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Just his Tammy...
Just his Tammy...
Who? Who was just his Tammy? And who the hell is Tammy?
Mike sat with his head in his hands in the back of Murray's delivery truck, awaiting new instructions from Hop or El or Joyce. The only thing he could contemplate right now was Will's crush. His leg bounced, waiting for something, something to clear his worries, to clear his mind, but it never came.
Tammy... Who was Tammy?
A clang as someone took a step up onto the truck floor. "Hey little Wheeler, you uh— waiting for our next instructions too?" The calm, yet panicked voice of Robin Buckley echoed through the hollow backing of the truck. Mike's head shot up at her, making eye contact with the older woman who was sorting a pack of snacks by colour. "Yeah uh— just thinking too much." Mike made an excuse, looking to the floor.
Silence filled the truck for a few minutes. "So Wheeler..." Robin attempted to make conversation, her hands jittering uncomfortably as she spoke. "What's the whole thing with you and little Byers?" She bit the inside of her lip, waiting patiently for his answer. Mike froze, his stomach dropping as he stared up at her. His face heated up. "Nothing!" Mike exclaimed. "We're just friends. Just... Good friends..." He hesitated. Feeling a swelling in his gut, the uncertainty, the fear coming back.
"Well then. That's totally cool... I guess..." Robin sounded skeptical, like deep down she didn't really believe him and he hated her for that, he hated her and the fact that she was right, that Robin knew people too well despite her lack of understanding social cues. Mike hated that she understood.
It clicked. Robin. She was the one who talked to Will, the one who gave him the motivation to succeed. She must know.
"Who's Tammy?" Mike broke the silence. Robin choked on her own spit, looking up at him with a fearful look on her face. Her eyes were blown wide and her mouth was agape. "I—" "Will brought up a Tammy in his coming out. He mentioned—" Mike didn't want to say it. "Someone. He referred to them as 'just his Tammy.' So, who's Tammy?" He begged, moving forward in his seat, feeling tears prick at the corners of his eyes.
Robin put down the snacks she was panic-arranging and sighed deeply as she stared Mike in the eyes. "Tammy Thompson." She muttered, the words coming out of her pained. "That terrible singer?" Mike asked, confused. Robin chuckled, biting her lip as she stared into Mike's soul. "Yeah, her. She was uh—" Robin scratched her neck. "I had a huge crush on her. She was like an angel in my eyes. A beautiful angel." Robin cleared her throat. Mike furrowed his eyebrows, it began to click in his brain but he was still not getting it.
"Tammy made me feel like myself. But deep down I was still hiding. It wasn't that she wasn't making me feel free but— y'know how America is prized for being the land of the free but in reality were ruled by a pretty corrupt government?" Robin laughed as she spoke, Mike nodded, the puzzle pieces beginning to click together one by one. "That's what it felt like. Tammy made me feel free but in reality, if I didn't really look into myself, I would've never seen that I was still trapped in a loop of hating myself." Robin choked as she felt tears stream down her cheeks. Mike fiddled with his fingers, the puzzle pieces becoming clear, the picture making itself.
His eyes widened.
"Tammy." He muttered. It made sense. The pieces came together to make the whole image and it made sense. There was one piece missing, one piece where Will's heart was. He swallowed, the pit in his stomach growing to the point he began to feel ill. He sweats, feeling the realization, hitting him like bricks. "It was me wasn't it?" He murmured. He looked up at Robin, eyes wide and glossy, the feeling of dread overcoming him.
"I was his Tammy."
Mike felt sick. He couldn't evaluate it. Why was he feeling so sick? He wasn't disgusted, he knew he wasn't. But what was it? Somewhere deep in Mike's soul, the idea of being Will's crush wasn't gross or sickening. The idea that he was someone who put him through that pain of being his Tammy... The idea that he was the one who made Will feel like he was trapped, like he was hiding, like he was scared. That disgusted Mike.
He placed his head in his hands. "This whole time?" Disbelief hit him next. Will had a crush on him? On him? And he never picked up on it. Not once did he ever think twice about Will's actions, never did it feel wrong, never did it feel out of place. But—
The painting.
"Where's Eleven?" Mike blurted out through tears. Robin flinched at the sudden tone change, pointing outside of the truck. "She's getting ready to go with Murray." Without another word from Robin, Mike stood up and rushed out of the back of the truck. He looked around for her, Nancy, Jonathan, Joyce, Kali, Dustin, Max.
His eyes locked on her.
"El!" He yelled as he jumped off the back and ran to her. A few worried and shocked eyes turned to him but it didn't matter, not right now. Her head turned to him, "Mike, what—" "The painting!" He exclaimed. El furrowed her eyebrows, tilting her head at him slightly. "What painting?" She asked quietly. He paused, staring at her. "The painting? The one you asked Will to paint for me?" Mike's words came out strained, confused, scared, worried, disgusted with himself.
"I never asked Will to paint you anything?" She squeaked out, staring at Mike like he was crazy. Mike's shoulders dropped, feeling the final piece of the puzzle slipping across, being moved slowly, painfully slow. El knew nothing about the painting. What about all the things he said?
"You make her feel like she's not a mistake. Like she's better for being different.
It felt so real, so guttural.
"If she was mean or seemed like she was pushing you away, it's because she's afraid of losing you."
Oh.
"Yeah so, El needs you Mike, and she always Will."
Oh. Oh shit.
Mike wiped a hand across his face. He turned to her again. "You're one hundred percent sure you didn't get him to paint anything?" He double checked. "Yes, Mike! If I gave you a painting I would have made it myself." She assured him, placing a hand on his arm and gently rubbing it. "Is everything okay?" Her concern became more and more visible as Mike's breath sped up rapidly. He turned, and ran.
"Mike?" El yelled behind him. "Mike!" Her voice faded into nothing as Mike ran and ran. He wanted to find Will, he needed to find Will. He felt so stupid, so oblivious to everything that happened that was so real, so raw. He was so stupid for not seeing it sooner.
"And us?"
Memories played back in his head.
"Yeah, crazy together."
It was so obvious.
Will gently shoving him by the tunnels opening, every shared look, all the times they left no room between them, why Will felt terrible about Mike's words that he screamed in the rain.
Oh shit. The rain fight...
Mike stopped in his tracks, standing right in front of the entrance to the WSQK in the upside down. Should he apologize? The words he said during their rain fight flowed back to him, guilt flowing through with it. He was right. He was right in the most hurtful way possible.
He swung open the door to the radio station. "Will!" He called out for him, running across the radio station, avoiding the vines that coated the ground. "Will!" He looked around before he crashed into a figure in front of him. He looked over, alert.
"Mike, Jesus Christ, why are you running?" Will's sweet voice cleared Mike's mind. He stumbled, steadying himself on a table behind him. He stared. Stared at the boy who he unintentionally tortured for God knows how long. Stared at the boy who felt like he needed to lie to him. He pulled Will into a tight hug.
Will, caught in shock, stood frozen as Mike's arms wrapped tightly around him. It felt like fireworks igniting in his heart, feelings that definitely weren't gone bubbling up to the surface with one hug. Will relaxed, gently wrapping his arms around Mike in reciprocation. His face burned, Mike's hands feeling like they were sparking against his back.
Mike shoved his face into Will's shoulder. "I'm sorry. For everything I've ever said." He mumbled, tears beginning to prick at the corners of his eyes again. "I'm such a dick." He held Will a little closer. "I'm so proud of you, Will." Mike smiled into Will's shirt. Will blushed harder, feeling a lump form in his throat as his eyes watered.
"I know about the painting." Mike muttered into his neck. Will froze. "But I'm not mad. I'm not even upset. Yeah, it sucks you lied to me but I get why." Mike pulled back and watched as Will's shoulders dropped, tears streaking down his cheeks. Mike's hands remained firmly on Will, holding his back and shoulder. "I'm proud of you, Will. You're so brave." Mike smiled as tears flowed out of him uncontrollably, Will laughed sadly, happily smiling but the tears continued to flow down his cheeks.
"I'm sorry I lied." Will sobbed, wiping his eyes. "I was so scared and I knew that my confession would've made everything so much worse. I guess I just told you what I thought you needed to hear." Will explained, trying to avoid Mike's eyes as much as he could.
Mike swallowed, evaluating how to go across this.
No.
He needs to stop thinking.
"I understand, Will." Mike cut him off, placing a hand on the side of his face and wiping off the streaming tears. "I understand." Mike held his face, swaying lightly. "I have no clue what's going to happen next, but no matter what's ahead of us, I need you to be completely honest with me." Mike began, Will looked dejected. "If Vecna gets into a memory you're still hiding and you break, there's nothing we can do." Mike gently leads Will to a crate, large, sturdy and clear of vines. He sits Will down, sitting next to him.
"I need to know the truth."
Will felt himself begin to panic, his heart rate increased and Mike's hand, that remained firmly against his own began to burn. "Hey." Mike whispered, his tone going soft as he used his other hand to gently stabilize Will, placing it on his shoulder. "I'm not going anywhere okay?" Mike smiled.
Somewhere, not so deep down, he knew the truth. He knew what Will was going to say. But he needed to hear him say it himself. Will bit his lip. "You won't leave?" He sobbed. "You won't think of me differently and leave?" He choked out, trying to get his words through the tears. Mike nodded. "I'm not going anywhere, Will." Mike gently rubbed Will's shoulder.
"Just to start Mike, can you please stop touching me? You're making me nervous." Will joked, laughing at his own words as they came out. Mike retracted his hands, placing them in his lap. He stared into Will's eyes, feeling the intensity swelling in his heart. Will was terrified and he could see it. But nonetheless, Will took a breath, placed his hands beside him, looked Mike in the eyes and began.
"I—" he tried so hard. "I—" he tried to push the words out. Mike's eyes were so soft, so kind. "I—" Will struggled, the flaked air of the upside down beginning to hurt.
Hesitantly, Mike placed his hand closer to Will's, not touching, but there. Will looked down at it, nudging his own hand closer. Not touching, just close. They could feel each other's heat, radiating off their fingertips. Will looked up at Mike, swallowing down his tears one more time as it bubbled to the surface.
"I have feelings for you." Will squeaked.
Mike felt the corners of his lips curl up a bit, the words he knew would come out that felt so much better to hear out loud. Will took another breath, already visibly calmer. "I think it's kind of always been lingering but it got so real and so unavoidable during the summer we fought the mind flayer. In the mall?" Will paused as Mike nodded, waiting for him to continue.
"When you and El became a thing, a real thing, I was jealous. Cause, as stupid and possessive as it sounds, it always felt like you were mine." Will struggled, feeling those tears get heavier, flowing faster. He shifted his hand closer, his fingertips grazing Mike's. "I felt like I lost you. Like I lost someone I—" He couldn't. He can't get it out.
"Someone so important to me. Like I lost someone who mattered more to me than the whole world." Will barely managed to get it out before breaking down again, wheezing and sobbing as he stared at his hands. Mike felt tears stream down his cheeks and a sob escaped his throat as he watched Will cry. He didn't know how deep it went, how deep those feelings truly were.
"I tried so hard to push it down." Will choked out. "I tried!" He yelled. "But it just wouldn't go away." His final words came out so much weaker, so much more raw. Mike couldn't help himself, he wrapped his arms around Will and rubbed his back. Will clutched him tightly, sobbing harshly into Mike's shoulder. Will sounded so sad, so weak, so vulnerable, it made Mike hold him closer and melt into him.
"You probably hate me." Will muttered, the sound muffled in Mike's shirt. Mike shook his head. "No, no, Will, I don't hate you. It's the complete opposite." The two boys held each other so tightly, so warmly; they felt safe within each other despite their harsh surroundings.
"I'm sorry." Will mumbled. "God I'm so sorry." He cried out, digging his nails into the back of Mike's shirt. "I never wanted this to happen, I never wanted to catch feelings, I never wanted to ruin everything!" He screamed, the pains and feelings spilling out like a flood, breaking the windows that kept the secrets hidden behind curtains.
"You didn't ruin anything, Will. I'm still here, I'm not going anywhere." Mike relaxed into Will, clutching him closely like he'd disappear if he let go. "You didn't ruin anything." He whispers into Will's hair.
"I can't get over you." Will mumbles into Mike's shoulder. Mike's eyes widen. "I said I had a crush but that's just a lie. I still feel like this; I still feel this way about you." Will moved his hands, letting them rest against Mike's shoulders. Mike gently began to thread a hand through Will's hair. Will felt his stomach erupt in butterflies, he felt his heart explode with fireworks.
"I learned I can live without you. But to be honest, if you hadn't pushed I probably never would've told you this. I probably would've put us in danger by leaving one big loose end that Vecna could use against me." Will sadly laughed to himself. "I would've fucked it up again. Like I always do." Will's self deprecating joke didn't land well with Mike. He pulled back to look at Will, really look at him.
"You don't mess things up. Some things are unavoidable, some things you can't fight you can't beat, you can't win. There's always going to be a battle you can't win." Mike kept his hands firmly against Will's body, keeping himself grounded with Will's presence. "Vecna is one scary thing. We've all lost against him before. He's hard to avoid. Don't beat yourself up over things that are out of your control." Mike caressed Will's back. Will felt his skin start to tingle, not the bad, dangerous tingle, more of an affection based tingle.
"I'm glad you told me." Mike finishes, prying himself away from Will. Will felt ten tons lighter, like the world weighed nothing to him. All of his troubles silently slipped away for a minute or two. Will cleared his throat. "That's not even all of it. I haven't told you about the painting or the time I was in Cali at all. Not to mention the 18 months we lived together, god there's so much more to unpack." Will leaned against the side wall, pressing his head to it.
"We don't need to unpack every little thing right now." Mike whispered, leaning against the wall as well. Mike raised a finger, "There is one thing I do want to know." He clarified. Will nodded, waiting for him to continue, happy the hard part is over.
"What did you mean in the van?" Mike asked, his eyebrows furrowed. "Cause you said El said that stuff about me but obviously she didn't." Will stared at Mike, mouth agape, still afraid despite Mike's non-judgemental nature.
"I was..." Will struggled again, he squirmed against himself. He and Mike locked eyes, "I was talking about myself." Will looked away. Mike smiled again. "I thought so." He chuckled. Will joined in against his better judgement, feeling a laugh escape his throat.
The hard part was done. He told Mike. That was the hard part over with. But now he waits. What was Mike truly going to say? Did he have to wait? Would Mike refrain from telling him anything until this is all over? Would Mike reject him now? He felt a pain settle inside him as he waited for an answer.
"Well?" Will asked, tone soft, not harsh. Mike swallowed, anxiously fiddling with his fingers. "I don't really know what to say right now." Mike answered. "I wish I could be able to tell you that I want you too but I can't right now. I don't know what I want." Mike sat up straight, pulling his hands together and leaning his chin against them. Will joined him, staring into Mike's eyes intensely.
"This isn't a yes, but it's not a no." Mike assured him, placing one hand down to reach one of Will's. "When you were telling us you were gay, I felt something inside me. Like if a feeling had a voice. It kept telling me over and over again that you meant something more to me, something I wasn't ready to unpack yet." Mike holds Will's hand firmly, their red, puffy eyes lock on one another.
"I have no idea what's going to happen next. I don't know where we're going to end up or what's going to transpire. But if we do make it out of this alive, I'd like to stay by your side, Will Byers." Will smiled and the tears began again, streaking down his cheeks. "If you want that, I'd love to figure out this whole fucked up mess together." Mike whispered. Will nodded, shaking and crying of relief and some happiness that spilled out through the cracks.
"Yeah. I'd love to figure out this fucked up mess with you." Will laughed as he cried, wanting to pull Mike closely again, but fearing crossing a boundary.
"Can I hug you again?" Mike asked, already pulling his arms out. Will nodded violently before nearly melting into the other boy's arms, keeping his arms pressed around Mike like he was his life force. Mike reciprocated, holding Will just as close.
"Maybe I need to get Robin to talk to you, she did well with me." Will joked again, laughing into Mike's chest. Mike laughed along. "Shut up." He smiled into Will's hair, swaying lightly as they held each other.