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Courtney and Robert had been dating officially for a couple of months. Two days before that, Courtney had taken a bullet for Robert, then kissed him on a stretcher. It felt like no time had passed at all, yet at the same time, like things had always been that way when Courtney was with Robert.
She finally knew it. She loved him, and she could pinpoint the exact moment she had fallen in love with him. It wasn’t when he carried her to the nearest paramedic after she’d taken that bullet for him. It wasn’t when he forgave her instantly, and with such sincerity, after she told him she was responsible for the mech suit explosion. It wasn’t even when he defended her to a room full of Z-Teamers ready to walk if he kept her. It was before that, when she was at another low point in her life, on a swing at the park in the cold of the night. She wanted to walk away from the Z-Team. She felt worthless, useless, and like fate would always be against her no matter how hard she fought it.
Robert wasn’t exactly gentle in his words, and that was perfect, because gentle wouldn’t have worked. He told her that there weren’t any answers in the stars, that fate wasn’t real. He said something about the stars being ancient, so any answers she saw weren’t meant for her. For a very brief moment, it made her argument falter. She felt something she couldn’t remember feeling before; hope. For a regular person, that microscopic sliver of hope she felt might not have made any difference, but for her, it was a turning point. It died out shortly after, but it set the stage for everything that came after, because for the first time, she felt like someone believed in her. Genuinely, and not for their own benefit. Robert didn’t have to care about her problems, he didn’t have to talk to her, he didn’t even have to look at her if he didn’t want to, because that wasn’t his job. But he did. He put in the effort for no reason other than that he cared. It made all the difference.
That was the moment she fell in love with him, even if she hadn’t realized it yet.
She wanted to tell him. She figured he must have felt the same way. He certainly acted like it, talking to her into the early hours of the morning when he knew she needed someone to be there with her, giving her a key to his apartment so she could stop by whenever she wanted to. Even sending her “good morning” texts every morning she didn’t sleep at his apartment, and saying it again when they started morning shifts. The rest of the Z-Team usually teased the two when he did. It used to embarrass Courtney, just a little, but it quickly became an essential part of her morning. There was one time he was late because Beef had escaped to run to a food truck on his walk, and Robert had to start the day without any of the team’s usual conversation and banter, including his good morning to her. She found herself in a sour mood until lunch time when she had teased him for skipping it, and got him to say it just to humor her. She was very subtle about it, of course.
Still, there was that nagging voice at the back of her mind. The voice that told her not to say it because it was too soon, because he’d get scared and leave her, because he could never love someone like her, because she wasn’t good enough for him, because he could never want something serious with someone like her. All of the terrible thoughts pulled at her heart and her mind, dragging her into the same abyss of self-loathing she thought she was finally beginning to be free of. She knew they were lies, logically, but they felt so factual when she was alone with them.
One night, she did something she never would have expected. She was playing a game with Golem, an online shooter game which she was usually great at. They were on a private call because the last time they’d used the in-game voice chat system, Courtney had been insulted by a teenage boy. She tore into him and made several threats that could easily get her banned from the game. The boy stopped laughing or responding to her threats about halfway through her rant, signing her victory over him. She killed him in the game shortly after. Despite her victory, though, Golem made the decision that chatting with strangers was probably not for them.
This time, Courtney’s mind was not on the game. She had been killed several times, and had not even made it to a final round yet. She was getting more angry at her losses than was typical of her. Golem may have been a magical pile of mud, but he wasn’t stupid.
“Hey, let’s take a break for a sec,” he said after he heard something that sounded like an object being thrown from Courtney’s mic, and saw that her character stopped moving.
“Okay, if you want to,” she said with a bit more exasperatedness than intended, instantly feeling a bit guilty for ruining what was supposed to be a fun night.
“Visi, what’s going on? You’re not all here,” he asked. He didn’t want to pry, and usually, she wouldn't talk anyway. But she was his friend and he wanted her to know she could.
“It’s-” she began, ready to tell him it was nothing again. But it wasn’t nothing, and she was tired of carrying all of the weight herself. She just needed to talk to someone, and it couldn’t be Robert this time, not when it was about him. She took a deep breath and decided to be brave. “I’m not sure. I mean, do you actually want to hear it? I don’t mind-”
“Hey, I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t mean it. We’re friends. Lay it on me,” Golem said, and she believed it. For a split second, the nagging voice telling her that her friends were lying to her and that they secretly hated her was quiet. Maybe it was growth, maybe it was just her breaking point. She wasn’t sure.
“It’s about Robert. Everything is going so well right now, you know? Better than it’s ever gone for me. And I-” she hesitated for a second. Saying it would make it real. It was already real, of course, but in-her-head real and spoken-out-loud real were two very different things. “I think I love him. No, not think. I do. And I want to tell him.”
“You mean you haven’t already? News to me. The way you guys act, I woulda thought you said it after the first couple weeks max,” Golem said, comforting with a hint of tease.
“Not yet,” Courtney stated.
“Okay. Well, what’s holding you back?”
“Me.”
“How?”
“I’m not really the type of person who gets that, am I? Happy, healthy relationship with a great guy. He deserves better than I can give him,” she said. Golem didn’t respond immediately. After a few seconds, she began to wonder if he’d heard her.
“Do you get to make that choice?” Golem asked, though it was more of a statement.
“Huh?”
“What he should or shouldn’t have, I mean. He chose you. You didn’t make him do that. He’s a grown man who can make his own decisions,” Golem said plainly.
“I mean, yeah, I guess so. And if he’s not ready to say it back to me, he can choose to leave me,” she retorted.
“He will. He’s been saying it without the words for months. I honestly thought the only reason he didn’t say it at work was to avoid HR. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if someone went into that office and found a skeleton at this point…” Golem trailed off. “Anyway, my point is, you shouldn’t worry.”
“Alright. Thanks, Golem,” she said. She needed to think. She felt relieved to talk to someone about this, but she also hadn’t realized how exhausting it was to talk about her feelings. Still, she was glad. Golem was a good friend.
They went back to the game. Golem knew Courtney was feeling a bit better when she shouted, “Sniper,” as she took out his would-be assassinator. After a few more kills, their team won the round. They played a few more games, winning almost all of them, and ranking high in all of them. But, they did have work in the morning, so the gaming eventually had to come to an end.
Before they hung up for the night, Golem added, “I’ll let you go, but I just wanted to say something. Good job, talking about that stuff earlier. The Visi I knew a few months ago wouldn’t have even let herself feel it. Proud of you.” He said it casually, but it hit her hard. She had to grit her teeth to keep it together.
“Thanks, big guy. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“See ya.”
They ended the call, and Courtney fell apart. Those words meant more to her than he probably realized they would. She fell back on her bed and wiped her cheeks with her hands. She closed her eyes and listened to the silence, letting the words replay in her head. She almost felt embarrassed to have had such a strong reaction to a word. Almost. It marked a big step in her moving forward. She still wasn’t sure she deserved it, that she’d actually grown all that much, but she knew she sure as fuck wanted to.
The next day’s shifts came and went. She went home with Robert afterwards. As usual, Beef sat in her lap in the passenger seat of Robert’s car, eyes darting to every sight he saw out the window as if he didn’t see it twice every day. Sometimes she wished she could have even a fraction of the zest for life that this little chihuahua had, but she supposed nobody could be quite like Beef. He was one of a kind.
Robert carried him up the stairs and into his apartment. Courtney followed closely behind them. When Robert put Beef down by the kitchen, he ran back to her and began jumping on her excitedly as if he’d just seen her.
She laughed and leaned down to pet him. “I don’t get it. He’s been sitting on me for the past fifteen minutes.”
“He’s just happy. He loves you,” Robert said, equally amused by the little dog.
There was that word. Love. It excited her and terrified her at the same time. She felt something akin to fight or flight, but not quite either. A bit of courage born of desperation took hold of her.
“Robert, there’s something I need to talk to you about,” she said with hesitancy. When she looked up from Beef, she saw Robert’s face. His eyebrows furrowed and he frowned, concerned. She realized then what that sounded like, and it sent a small surge of panic through her. “Shit! No, it’s nothing bad. Or, I hope it isn’t. It’s not-” she rambled. She realized that she wasn’t getting anywhere. “Fuck,” she sighed.
It did not quell Robert’s worry. “Is everything alright?” he asked. The care in his voice and the softness in his eyes was enough to melt her on the spot. He took a step towards her but kept his distance, trying to read her.
“There’s something that I really want to tell you,” she began. “But I don’t know if it’s the right time, or if you-” she hesitated. “If you feel the same way. But I feel like I need to tell you, and it’s terrifying, because this is the best thing I’ve ever had and I don’t want to lose you.”
Robert’s face softened and he walked over to the kitchen counter where Courtney was. He had a slight smile now, maybe a bit amused. Courtney was pretty sure he knew what she was referring to. Part of her hoped he’d say it first so she wouldn’t have to, but the other part of her needed to say it first, if only to prove that she could. Robert sighed, and with a slight shake of his head, said, “C’mon. You know you’re stuck with me.”
Courtney let out an amused, quick breath when he said that. She took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. “I love you.”
Robert closed his eyes and smiled at the countertop briefly. “I’ve been waiting for you to say that,” he told her, looking into her eyes.
She waited, anxiety building. “You’re supposed to say it back now, you know,” she commented, trying to feign confidence unsuccessfully.
Robert walked to the other side of the counter, where Courtney was standing. He took her hand in his and said, “I love you too, Courtney.” He brought his other hand to her cheek and kissed her. Relief and joy washed over her. He could feel her smile against his lips.
They spent the rest of the night cuddling on Robert’s new couch, watching movies on his new TV, which she had bought him with some of the money from her double paychecks as another kind of apology, though he had assured her it wasn’t necessary. They didn’t pay much attention to the movies though, between the kissing and the random “I love you”s they kept saying just because they finally could. It felt perfect. Courtney was so glad she wasn’t the same person she was those months ago. Though she still wasn’t sure, she was starting to feel like maybe she really could deserve this.