Work Text:
SHINK
It was so painful, being pierced with that lance. So painful. So cold.
She felt herself falling, fading. The wind through her hair was the only other thing she could still feel.
She was just falling, drawing closer to the ground.
And closer…
And closer…
And…
________
Stelle awoke in a cold sweat, gasping for air as she claws at her chest with one hand.
That flashback again, the one where she was pierced with what would become her very own lance. She didn’t understand why she still had these nightmares. After all, it had been some time since, and they would soon be traveling to a different planet.
And yet here she was in the parlor car, clutching her chest and heaving, trying to catch her breath. Stelle didn’t even know what time it was. All she knew was that she was alone in the train car.
It was frustrating, she had developed a small case of insomnia due to the nightmares. When she would sleep, she would be met with another nightmare and wake up. It didn’t help that her room still wasn’t ready yet, so anyone could’ve seen her like this.
Sometimes it was her express family abandoning her because of the fact that she was basically just a bomb. Sometimes it was a flashback to when she almost exploded on the Space Station before the Stelleron was subdued by Mr. Yang. Sometimes it was just fear for the sake of fear. Sometimes she does explode because of the Stelleron.
More recently, it has been the memory of being struck and almost dying to the lance Cocolia threw at her. She just feels the sensation again before falling, except this time she doesn’t come back from the dead.
They say you don’t feel pain in your dreams, but she does.
It’s too difficult to talk to any of the others about it, she thinks. She doesn’t know if they would feel bothered or think she’s overreacting. She doesn’t wanna bother anyone, she hasn’t been here for long after all, so she kind of tried to keep it to herself.
After taking a moment to gather herself, Stelle takes a deep breath and stands up to take a walk. She had hoped to have time to herself to just… think. To her dismay, she ends up finding herself standing outside of a particular express member’s room on her walk.
The express’s guard, Dan Heng.
Dan Heng was the one that she had surprisingly gotten closest with even though they were pretty much opposites. Stelle was curious about everything in the Data bank, so she ended up spending a lot of time with him.
Stelle didn’t even know if he was awake, so why was she here now? She shook her head and knocked. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take after all. To her surprise, the door opened, revealing a slightly groggy Dan Heng on the other side.
“Stelle?” He questions, “What are you doing awake?”
“Oh, you know…” she mutters. A part of her just wants to talk about it, but she’s just too.. scared.
Don’t get her wrong, she trusts the express crew and cares deeply for them all, but she’s just too nervous to talk about anything, as if they’ll think of her differently or tell the others about it, even though she knows they would never do that. Especially Dan Heng.
Well, unless she tells March. She would get too worried about Stelle and ask Himeko or Mr. Yang for help.
She knows that they would never judge her, but still.
“Yes..?” Dan Heng questions.
“Just, can’t sleep. You know, just one of those nights.” Stelle replies. Dan Heng notices that something is a little off.
“Is that all? You seem a little...”
“Sorry, did I wake you up? I can go if you wanna head back to bed.” She quickly says, trying to divert the conversation.
“No.” Good. He took the bait. “I was organizing the Archives and documenting findings, I don’t mind. Do you want to come in?”
“If you’re offering.” She says, throwing back on her joking personality. She’s not faking it, she jokes about most things because that’s just who she is. She quickly makes herself comfortable, throwing herself onto the chair at his desk.
“So, why are you awake so late?” He asks again. She smirks as she looks at him.
“The Galactic Baseballer has no time for sleep. I have a world to protect.”
“You and I both know that even the Galactic Baseballer needs rest to do as much as she does.” Stelle can only pout at Dan Heng’s words, but she knows he’s kind of got a point.
“Well I don’t think you should be the one talking there. You’re awake too, you know.” She points out, now pointing a finger at him. He puts his hands up in surrender.
“You got me there.” He replies simply. “Regardless, I don’t mind if you keep me company. The silence can be quite loud.”
“It’s settled then!” She announces with a laugh. “The glorious Galactic Baseballer will be here to keep you company, and ask what you’re looking at, of course!” She declares, crossing her legs.
“I would expect nothing less.”
Time passes, and the two have made some small talk as Dan Heng works. It served as a good distraction for a bit.
“So, what are you writing about now?” She asks, tilting her head.
“The people we met on Jarilo-VI and some of their qualities. Right now I’m documenting how the line of succession works and what we know about their previous leaders. I’m on Cocolia’s part of it.” He explains. She usually asks in depth questions of that nature.
She feels like her heart stops for a moment. That name pulled her back to her nightmare. The pain. The lance. The chill. The heat.
Dying.
“-lle… Stelle!” She snaps back to reality.
“Huh?”
“Are you alright? You completely zoned out on me for a minute. You usually listen so closely, but you…”
“Oh…” she tries to laugh it off. “Yeah I just… got to thinking about it..! It’s so interesting, you know..?” Her voice shakes slightly, and Dan Heng’s eyebrows furrow in concern.
“Stelle… if you need to talk to someone, I promise you can talk to me. Please don’t be afraid to do so.” He offers. She bites her lip, not wanting to say anything, but the words tumble out before she can stop them.
“What if the Preservation didn’t gaze at me at that moment and I had died to Cocolia’s Lance?”
Oh.
He didn’t think about that.
She always seemed so carefree and strong willed after that happened. Sure, she was a bit shaken, but she seemed to move on so quickly. He should have known it would affect her more than she would let on. Especially since she now wields the lance that nearly took her life.
“Stelle—”
“What if I had just kept falling? Would it have mattered? And why did the lance become mine?” She questions.
“Of course it would have mattered! We were so worried, we thought you died, I…” his breath hitches. “I’m sorry we never noticed. That I never noticed.” He says. She closes her eyes, taking a breath.
“I… have nightmares…” she confesses, putting a hand to her chest. “I’ve been having nightmares and I often can’t sleep.”
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
“I thought you all would get upset with me and leave… I’ve only been here for a few months after all so…”
Dan Heng gently takes her hands in his, rubbing her knuckles.
“I’m sorry.. that you felt like you couldn’t tell us, but please…” he looks at her with sincerity, “I’m willing to hear you. You seem like you need to talk, and I’m here. We all are. You shouldn’t feel the need to carry this burden alone. You are a nameless too.”
Her breath hitches before she bites her lip. She wants to. So bad.
And the words tumble.
She explains her dreams. She describes the feelings she has whenever she dies to the lance again, the pain and sensations she has. The feeling of falling. She goes into detail about her dreams where the Stelleron takes over and she destroys a planet or something. She tells him about her dreams of the express abandoning her because of the Stelleron inside of her. She unloads everything she has been holding inside.
Hearing all of this, Dan Heng pulls her into a hug. He understands how she feels because of his experiences traveling the cosmos before joining the Astral Express, but he doesn't say anything, no words are needed at this moment.
“I’m tired…” she says. “I’m so tired but I’m scared… I don’t sleep well, and my dreams make everything worse… I can’t sleep…” she explains.
“I understand…” he finally responds. “I'm sorry you’ve felt the need to keep this to yourself for so long. I wish you felt more comfortable talking to us.” He says, including the whole crew in his statement. “We should have recognized that what happened was traumatic and you would need support.”
“I’m sorry… I never said anything” Stelle responds, her eyes starting to grow heavy. Huh, what a strange feeling. Is it… contentment? Security? Possibly.
“Sorry, I can leave if you want. I know you’re busy… you don’t need a bomb falling asleep on you.” She offers, only to be given a head shake in response.
“That's not necessary. You are not a bomb, you are Stelle. The one and only Galactic Baseballer. I don’t mind. You can sleep in here if you want to. I just hope it will help you sleep better.” He says, adjusting slightly to hold her just a smidge tighter.
She chuckles at the mention of the all powerful galactic Baseballer. “Mhm… if you’re sure, then..” she trails off, immediately dozing off in Dan Heng’s arms.
The nightmares didn’t come for her when she was in his arms.