Chapter Text
‘I heard that Shane Hollander is gay. I don’t know if it’s true but… that’s what I heard.”
“Did you.”
“You guys are close, huh?”
Ilya started walking faster. “That is enough sharing for one night, Barrett.”
Troy almost smirked in response, ready to keep walking, still floating on the bizarreness of the whole night, until several things about Ilya fell into place. Holy shit. Holy shit, they were together. Ilya’s sexuality was one thing, but if that was true…
Troy had never been close with either of them before, obviously, but he’d seen enough of them in the All Star game to know that Hollader’s teammates really hated Roz. Not like the playful rivalry he just saw between Hunter and Roz, but, like, a ‘maybe burning him in effigy isn’t going far enough’ kind of hatred. Even if they didn’t, it was one thing to hope your team didn’t give you shit for being gay. It was entirely different to expect them to still accept you while they played against your boyfriend.
Not to mention the amount of money and marketing the NHL had poured into promoting and fanning the flames of their big rivalry over the years. If it came out that it was all a cover for a big, gay love affair… Jesus. The commissioner would murder them with his bare hands.
He stopped dead and reached out to grab Ilya’s arm. “Wait, Roz. Holy shit.”
Rozanov’s shoulders went rigid, but he spoke with deceptive indifference. “Barrett. It is big night for you, I know, but the night is over, I think.”
“Are you two…? You and…?” He didn’t say the name. If he did, he was sure Rozanov would either bolt or punch him. “Together?”
“You learn I am bisexual and you assume I have fucked every gay man in the league?” Roz clutched his chest. “Barrett. I am flattered.”
Ilya was good. Very good. If Troy hadn’t seen the flare of panic in his eyes, he might have even been convinced by the casual-sounding brush off.
“What I think,” he said slowly, “is you do a lot of things that don’t make much sense unless-”
“I am not interested in your ideas about my personal life,” said Roz sharply, cutting him off before he could say anything damning. “I am leaving now.”
Troy’s grip on his arm tightened. “Wait.”
If Troy had been a little less wrapped up in his own thoughts, he might have felt a pang of regret for ruining what had just been such a light and happy mood. Now, Rozanov’s fists were clenched and his muscles tensed, prepared for fight or flight.
Troy took a deep breath. “Just wait a sec.” Roz shifted on his feet but stayed where he was. “You really did something for me tonight and I don’t want it to end with you running away, back into the closet.”
Roz clenched his jaw in response, but he also seemed a little less ready to punch him or take off running, so Troy took that as a win. “Well,” said Roz, finally. “I am going back to the hotel. You can walk with me or I can leave you here.”
They both started walking back, a heavy silence settling between them.
“I was not-” Roz cut himself off until Troy raised his eyebrows in question. “I was not running back into the closet,” he muttered.
Troy felt his eyebrows creep higher. “No? Sorry, my mistake. I thought you were going to run back to your hotel room to avoid saying anything and hope I never bring any of this up again.”
Ilya muttered something in Russian. Troy didn’t ask him for a translation.
“It’s kind of nice,” said Troy, aiming for a lighter tone. “To know you’re just as afraid to, you know, come out as I am. I mean I appreciate you making it seem like it’s not such a big deal earlier, but…”
Ilya made a noise that Troy wasn’t sure how to translate and shook his head. “I would come out tomorrow. I do not care anymore if people know that I am bisexual,” he said, frustration creeping into his voice.
Troy frowned. “Okay. Then why…” he trailed off as the answer became obvious. It took Troy all of three seconds to put together the implications of Roz being bi and Hollander being gay and start asking questions. Maybe it would take other people longer, maybe not, but there was no way it would stay under wraps.
He took a deep breath, wondering if Roz realized that he’d just confirmed Troy’s theory. He glanced at his team captain out of the corner of his eye and wondered if Roz was maybe a little bit relieved to have him know. “Who else knows?” Troy asked.
Ilya glanced at him, then briefly scanned the street to ensure they were alone. “Shane’s parents,” he said quietly.
That was nice. Troy wished he had told his mom about Adrian so that he had someone to talk to about it. He opened his mouth to ask how they took it but Ilya continued.
“Shane’s best friend. Shane’s best friend’s wife. Shane’s ex-girlfriend.”
Troy raised his eyebrows. “Ah.” Well shit. “Okay. And, uh, anyone on your end?”
Ilya’s long silence was telling. “My therapist,” he finally said.
Troy coughed. “That’s really not the same thing, man.”
Ilya nodded as they reached the hotel. “You,” he added.
Troy sucked in a breath, touched by the trust Roz had placed in him. “Thanks, man. For everything tonight.”
Ilya just nodded and made his way back to his room.
“Troy Barrett?!” Shane’s voice was panicked and a little angry. Ilya paced his hotel room as he listened to Shane freak out over the phone. “How did you let…? How did he…?”
If Ilya was there, he’d have made Shane sit now and blow into a bag or something. “Shane. Listen. It is okay,” he said, trying to inject some calm into his voice.
“It’s Troy fucking Barrett, Ilya!”
“I know! Listen. I have told you. He is not so bad,” said Ilya reassuringly.
“Oh, well if he’s not so bad, I’m sure it’s all fine!” said Shane, a little hysterically.
Ilya smiled and tried not to chuckle, knowing how upset Shane really was. But something about Shane getting all snippy always made him want to smile.
“What did you even say to him?” asked Shane.
“I said nothing! Look, he was clearly struggling inside the closet-”
“Where did you even learn that phrase?” Shane asked.
“Queer Eye. So I took him to the Kingfisher.”
“The Kingfisher?” Shane asked incredulously. “Does Scott Hunter know, too?”
Ilya scoffed. “Scott Hunter knows nothing. Scott Hunter does not know which end of the stick to hold.”
“How many goals has he scored against you guys this season?” Shane snarked.
Ilya ignored that. “Barrett had a shitty day yesterday-”
“So I saw. Nice punch,” said Shane.
Ilya heard the sarcasm, but chose to take it as a compliment anyway. “Thank you. After his shitty day, he needed to feel… what is it… not so alone. So I took him to the bar and then I told him I was bisexual.”
“You told him?” Shane exclaimed.
Ilya sighed. They had so little time together as it was, and Shane’s time had gotten even more limited due to his insane training schedule. Ilya wasn’t thrilled that their call tonight was only going to be about this.
“Yes. And then he figured the rest out,” said Ilya.
“Couldn’t you have convinced him it wasn’t true?” asked Shane.
“I tried to stop the conversation.”
“Couldn’t you have tried harder?” Shane moaned. Ilya knew he was just wrapped up in his own panic, but it struck a nerve.
“Like you did with Hayden?” asked Ilya sharply.
Shane was clearly taken aback by that one. “What? I didn’t think… Did you not want…?” he spluttered. “What?”
Ilya sighed. “No, is fine. I do not care that Hayden knows. I have never cared that Hayden knows.”
“Okay,” said Shane, clearly trying to follow. “Then what does he have to do with anything?”
“It is…” Ilya huffed in frustration. “Hayden figures it out, it is fine. You are happy. I am happy for you.” Fuck Ilya hated this. He’d been speaking almost exclusively English for ten years and suddenly he was fumbling with the language now? He rubbed his eyes in frustration. “Rose knows and it is good. She is important part of your gay awakening. Not as important as me, of course, but she did her best.”
Shane spluttered out an incredulous laugh.
“Barrett figures it out and it is ‘Ilya, what have you done? Why did you not lie better?’”
“Hayden only figured it out because he watched me go off to be with you every time we played in Boston until I suddenly stopped!”
“You think my team does not know I leave the city so often?” You think they haven’t noticed what a shit captain I am? “Only you have friends who notice things?”
“Oh come on, Ilya!”
“It is safe for people in your life to know, but not safe for people in mine, yes?”
“That’s not fair,” said Shane.
Right. That’s what was not fair.
Ilya tried to pull himself together. Shane was scared. The secret had gotten to someone he had no reason to trust. It was an understandable reaction. But he was so tired. “Okay,” was all he said. There wasn’t really anything else to say.
That response didn’t seem to satisfy Shane. “Ilya. Hayden is my best friend. I barely even know Barrett!”
“Hayden is not my best friend!” Ilya snapped.
“And, what, Barrett is?” asked Shane incredulously.
No! Ilya thought furiously. I do not have a best friend. I cannot get close to anyone without telling them about the most important thing in my life. I have no one when you are away and you do not seem to care.
Ilya swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. “He is… a friend.” Maybe.
“You’ve known him for, what, two months? You don’t even call him by his first name!” said Shane.
I called you Hollander even when I was balls deep in you for years.
It wasn’t the same. He knew that.
“I mean since when are you two so close?” asked Shane. The question had a weird edge to it.
“What, are you jealous?”
“No, of course not!” said Shane unconvincingly.
Ilya almost wanted to laugh at the absurdity, but he wasn’t feeling particularly amused. He flopped down on the bed. “I only told him I was bisexual. He was worried I was a homophobic asshole like Kent-”
“What?” Shane exclaimed. It was almost impressive how he could be pissed at Ilya, coming down from a panic attack, and still offended on Ilya's behalf all at the same time. So many feelings. “Why would he-”
“I assured him I am just regular asshole, and people should maybe not assume I am straight.”
“And he figured it out from there.” Ilya thought that might be the part that scared Shane the most. Even more than Barrett knowing. “Ilya. I know none of this is fair, but, this isn’t just your secret.”
“I know that,” Ilya bit out.
He heard Shane blow out a breath. “Okay. I’m sorry,” he said, clearly trying to get himself under control. “I know you’re not careless. I just don’t understand…”
“Barrett was struggling. And he was lonely. I only tried to show him he was not so alone,” said Ilya.
“Okay,” said Shane slowly.
I am struggling. I want to not be so alone. “I have come out to almost no one.”
“Ilya.” Shane sounded frustrated. LIke Ilya was being unreasonable. Ilya had enough. He needed to get off the phone before he said something he couldn’t take back.
“I have practice now,” Ilya bit out, trying and failing to sound calm. “We will talk later.”
He hung up in the middle of Shane saying goodbye and threw his phone on the bed in frustration. He felt his eyes start to sting and took a few breaths to stave off tears because, dammit, he did need to get to practice.
Muttering in under his breath in Russian, he jammed his feet into his shoes and hoped for a particularly hard practice.