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[Transcript of episode: “Reacting to the Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov News”]
Brian: So, acknowledging the elephant in the room, the biggest hockey story in the world today—
Jason: —It might just be the biggest story in the world today, not just hockey.
Brian: You’re completely right man. Wow. It’s so crazy that this has, like, broken containment outside of the hockey world.
Jason: I know. It’s insane.
Brian: Anyway. Sorry to bury the lede, but we’ve recently learned that two of the biggest rivals in the league, Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov, are in a romantic relationship. After a video of them was leaked, they released a statement earlier today which said, “A video of us was recently released displaying us in an intimate and private moment. Our mutual friend, Hayden Pike, did not realize that we could be seen in the background. Although having the decision to disclose our relationship made for us isn’t ideal, we would like to announce, officially, that we are in a committed, romantic relationship, and have been for several years. We wish we could have told you in our own way, but we don’t hold this unfortunate accident against Hayden. We know that our relationship will be difficult for a lot of people to accept and understand. We have never let our personal relationship interfere with our competitiveness on the ice, and we believe our career achievements show that very clearly. We’ve always kept personal and professional separate, and we hope our teams, our fans, and the league can do the same.” And to accompany that they posted some pictures of themselves together.
Jason: Fuck, man.
Brian: I know.
[a weighted pause]
Jason: That just really sucks that that happened to them, you know.
Brian: I know.
Jason: And, like, you know how the internet is. Some people have just been so shitty to these guys. And, like, obviously we don’t know them personally. But no one deserves to have this happen to them.
Brian: Yeah. Like, I think back to Scott Hunter a couple years ago. And, like, he was allowed to make that choice to come out.
Jason: Yeah.
Brian: And it’s really shitty that Rozanov and Hollander weren’t able to get that moment.
Jason: Did you see the video?
Brian: Yeah. I saw it before they released the statement, which I kind of feel bad about.
Jason: For sure.
Brian: But people online kept talking about it and I was like, there’s no way this can be real, right? And so then I watched it. And. Wooooweeee. Seeing is believing, am I right?
Jason: Yeah, definitely. I saw a bunch of people online being like, “well obviously just a prank.” And after watching the video, like I know how we joke that we gotta kiss the homies more, but. I’m not kissing the homies like Rozy and Hollzy were kissing in that video. They were really going at it.
Brian: Yeah. I also saw the prank comments and I truly thought, to these people, “are you actually fucking stupid?” Like, I’ve kissed girlfriends with less passion than those two had making out with each other.
Jason: And several years?
Brian: Several years!
Jason: How’d they keep it a secret for that long?
Brian: How long do we think “several years” even is?
Jason: I was actually looking at old footage and timelines and news and stuff about them, and their rivalry, over the years to try and figure it out.
Brian: Oh yeah, and what did you find?
Jason: Well, best guess? At least since 2018. Because that’s the year-
Brian: That’s the year Rozy signed with Ottawa.
Jason: And I was going to say that if you hadn’t interrupted me, yeah!
Brian: Fuck. That’s romantic as shit, dude!
Jason: I know. Like, that’s crazy. Move to play with the worst team in the league, just so you can be closer to your boy? So fucking sweet. I-I don’t think I could do it actually.
Brian: Which raises the point, Shane Hollander must be crazy in bed.
Jason: Oh no doubt about it, right? Like we saw the video. And, I’m straight, but I can’t even lie, them making out? Really goddamn hot.
Brian: So hot!
Jason: And Rozanov, I’m assuming he’s bi or something because there have been so many times in the headlines where he’s been connected with some really fucking hot women. But Hollander, he locked that shit down.
Brian: Like I’m saying. He must be amazing in bed. For Rozy to leave behind his playboy days and move to fucking Ottawa.
Jason: And like, I don’t think anyone has a right to be mad about this, you know? Because it’s their fucking lives or whatever and they don’t really owe anything to anyone. However, if anyone was allowed to be mad, I do think it’s Boston fans.
Brian: [laughs] Oh my god, dude. If I was a Boston fan I would be fucking pissed about this. I would legitimately lose my shit. That’s so fucking funny. Boston’s cup chances thwarted by gay love.
Jason: And 2018 is only the most popular, or I guess, definitive, point in the timeline.
Brian: Yeah.
Jason: Because a lot of people think earlier than that. Like 2017, which was the year they played together on an All-Star team.
Brian: Oh man, that moment of them, playing together for the first time. Absolutely incredible. Thing of beauty. Seeing the two best in the game working together.
Jason: And if you remember…
Brian: If I remember?
Jason: They actually kissed at that game too!
Brian: No! What? They did?
Jason: Yeah. Hollzy scores off a pass from Rozanov, and Rozy just comes up to him and lays one on him.
Brian: Oh my god. I’m looking it up right now. And they were definitely together at this point, for sure.
Jason: Really, you’re sure? Cause this looks a lot more like a “kissing the homies” moment than the video.
Brian: Dude, that’s not kissing the homie. That’s kissing your secret boyfriend who you’re supposed to hate in the only way you’re allowed to in public. Look at they way they linger by each other! Oh my god. I can’t believe I thought I knew romance before this.
Jason: And the way Rozy is staring at Hollzy? My man is smitten.
Brian: Exactly. If Rozy was staring at me like that, I’d just drop to my knees right then and there, All Star game be damned.
Jason: And can we talk about how it’s like, kind of really hot, that the two best players in the league are in love with each other?
Brian: Hasn’t that just been what this entire episode has been about so far?
Jason: No, but like…just imagine, you’re Rozy or Hollzy in this scenario. And you’re the best hockey player in the world. No one can touch you. No one can even throw a stone and hit how good you are. Except this one other guy. And you know what? You’re so good that you’re fucking him too.
Brian: It honestly kind of sucks that they’re both these cis men. Because like, if one of them could get pregnant, like, they’re giving birth to the hockey messiah. That kid would have nature and nurture on its side, baby.
Jason: Oh, definitely.
Brian: Maybe if it’s like, an actual messiah situation, the hockey gods would bless one of them with like, well like an immaculate conception, but the immaculate part is that it’s two dudes having a biological baby. For the good of hockey.
Jason: For the good of hockey, exactly.
Brian: Getting back to the actual news of it, though…
Jason: Yeah, away from the Hollander-Rozanov perfect hockey playing baby.
Brian: So the league is making both Hollander and Rozanov sit out for the next couple days.
Jason: Which is such bullshit.
Brian: For real. Like, they said right there in the statement, they’ve been doing this for years. And they also say they never let it affect their on-ice performance, and I sincerely believe them when they say that. I’ve watched so many Rozanov v. Hollander games in my time as a hockey fan, and every game between them is legitimately very fun and exciting. Even these past few years where Rozy hasn’t been on a super competitive team—
Jason: Which is a sacrifice he made for love!
Brian: —Which is a sacrifice he made for love, exactly, he still plays his goddamn heart out against Montreal.
Jason: Dare I say, he is never playing more locked in than when he’s playing against Montreal.
Brian: I think you can say that. And I think you should because you’re right. And you know Hollzy, you know he’s not letting Ottawa win! The man just won a cup last year!
Jason: And you know the fans have to be pissed. Like, if I’m a fan and I’m missing my chance to see either of these two absolutely generational players do their thing, not because they’re out on injury or have a serious matter preventing them from playing, but just because the league hates knowing that these two absolute specimens are going at it on the regular without bothering anybody else, yeah I’m asking for a fucking redfund.
Brian: And based on sources from inside the locker rooms, it’s interesting to hear that’s there’s such a difference in the way the organizations are handling it.
Jason: Yeah?
Brian: Yeah. Because Ottawa, they just had Tory Barrett come out not too long ago and that was huge and a legitimately beautiful moment. So, from what I’ve heard through the grapevine, they’ve been pretty supportive of Rozanov.
Jason: Yeah. They have no reason not to be? Like, that’s their best player. That’s the best player in the league. Literally who cares who he sleeps with? Actually, if anything, like we said, it’s kind of a power move that the person he’s sleeping with is the only person that’s as good as him.
Brian: Exactly, that’s what you’d think. However, sources from Montreal are saying the situation is a bit icier. No pun intended.
Jason: That’s so fucking stupid. Why? Are they doubting Shane fucking Hollander’s loyalty to his team? The team he’s been playing for since his rookie season! The team he’s won three goddamn cups for!
Brian: I know. I know. I’m just telling you what the sources are saying.
Jason: Well, the sources gotta intervene and remind Montreal that that’s Shane fucking Hollander!
Brian: I do think it’s funny though, that now the Ottawa Centaurs are like the gayest team in the league. Half the out players in the league play for the Ottawa Centaurs.
Jason: And you know what? Good for them. They’ve been on a fucking tear lately and if gay sex is what turns a perpetually bad franchise into contenders, then every team in the league should start making the guys on the roster fuck their biggest rivals.
Brian: And that’s another aspect we should get into. Regarding the actual hockey implications of this situation. Ottawa is looking at a spot in the playoffs this year. And you know who they would probably end up facing the first round?
Jason: Montreal.
Brian: Fucking Montreal. Like that would be crazy. Just like, even putting aside recent revelations. It’s a hot new team that’s excited for its first playoff appearance in a while versus the defending champs. Then you throw the Hollander-Rozanov situation into it all. And I’m not even talking about Hollander and Rozanov, lovers for several years, apparently. I’m just talking good, old-fashioned, Hollander and Rozanov, rivals since their rookie year. And it’s Ottawa and Montreal, they’re in the same division, they’re two hours apart from each other, they see each other all year. So you have all that, and then on top of it, you now have the captains of the two teams. Two absolute, undeniable studs. And they’re in love with each other.
Jason: Oh my god, I’m bricked up just from you talking about it. That’s gonna be some fucking hot hockey.
Brian: Oh yeah.
Jason: And like, I hope Hollander and Rozanov make some show or do something, I don’t know, fucking romantic or sexy when they face off against each other.
Brian: What exactly are you imagining in this scenario? They just start making out at center ice before the game begins?
Jason: I don’t know, maybe? Or how fucking sweet would it be if at the end of the game, during handshakes, they gave each other, like a nice couple-y kiss on the cheek.
Brian: Dude that would be sick. And I might start crying if that happened. Like it’s so shitty all this is happening to them, and they got no say in the matter, but I’m just so happy for them that they have each other to go through this with, you know?
Jason: Exactly. Like. I think we’ve been saying this their entire careers, though. The only people who understand exactly what Hollander and Rozanov are going through is each other. And that’s so fucking beautiful that they were able to find each other and have each other as support through all of this. Like we didn’t even fucking know until a few days ago. But fuck. That’s just so fucking lovely for them.
Brian: I just had kind of a crazy thought.
Jason: Well, you gotta share with the class now right.
Brian: So, as we just established, Ottawa, reacting pretty well to this development.
Jason: Yes.
Brian: And Montreal, not so much.
Jason: If the sources are to be believed.
Brian: And this summer—
Jason: Holy shit, this summer Shane Hollander is a free agent!
Brian: Which is exactly what I was going to say if you hadn’t interrupted me.
Jason: Sorry.
Brian: And how cool would it be if Shane Hollander signed with the Centaurs.
Jason: There’s no way it would work, would it? Between Rozanov’s contract and now Barrett and some of these other pieces they got are certainly gonna want, deservedly so, bigger contracts.
Brian: I hear you, I hear you. But just put all that out of your mind and think about how fucking cool it would be. Imagine that 2017 All Star game, but it’s an entire seasons worth
Jason: And they’d be boyfriends.
Brian: And they’d be boyfriends.
Jason: That’s like some Greek army, sacred band of Thebes shit. That’d be so fucking awesome to get to see.
Brian: And that’s what I’m telling you.
[a moment of silence as Brian and Jason ponder how awesome this would be]
Brian: So, I guess, just to wrap up the episode. Our final thoughts: fuck that Brad guy.
Jason: Oh yeah fuck him. Outing people. Not cool Brad. No matter how sexy they look making out in the back of Hayden Pike’s Fanmail video.
Brian: And also this podcast completely supports Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov.
Jason: One hundred percent. And we support their gay love and hope the hockey gods bless them with one of them getting pregnant.
Brian: Amen brother.
[End episode transcript]