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Jinu knew he didn’t deserve this. He was a demon after all. But something about Rumi made all his walls crumble and he was left with the urge to drop to his knees in front of her and just cry. To just beg for her forgiveness. He felt raw and unguarded with her. Like she stripped back all the layers that made him a terrible person and saw the good in him. He knew he didn’t deserve her, but he was going to stay with her all the same.
1.
The feeling started in the days after the Namsen Tower incident. He would catch sight of himself in a reflection next to Rumi and feel sick. Maybe it was the culmination of the guilt he felt for exposing her patterns to her friends and the world or maybe it was just because he knew he didn’t deserve someone like her.
Yes, she had assured him all the blame laid with Gwi-ma but he still couldn’t help but feel like it was all his fault. Like it was his fault that the Honmoon broke (he was sure it was. after all he had ruined the idol awards which lead to that spiraling), like it was his fault that Rumi’s patterns had spread to cover he whole body, the same patterns she was taught to be ashamed of but now claimed as her own (it didn’t bring his relief from the crushing guilt that she did as he had exposed her, essentially forcing them to spread), like it was his fault Rumi tossed and turned at night, cries caught in her throat for Celine, for Mira, for Zoey and crying out for them, just asking why. Why couldn’t they accept her as she was? Why couldn’t they love her? But they did and they proved it, but it was still his fault.
He always held her after those nightmares though he didn’t deserve to, soothing her and promising that Mira and Zoey loved her despite everything. Celine he wasn’t so sure about. But all that didn’t make up for that fact that he had caused this distress for her. The girl who had given him his soul back and freed him. But all he did was cause her pain.
He felt like he was choking on the guilt sometimes, but it hit harder when he held her through the night, her tears soaking his shoulder after the relentless attack of nightmares. Jinu didn’t know how to deal with the onslaught of rushing guilt – sure, he wasn’t new to guilt that infiltrated a person’s very soul, their entire being but he was human now. And maybe that was what made it harder to deal with. He couldn’t blame the nightmares on Gwi-ma or being a demon anymore. He didn’t have anyone to blame but himself. Yet again he had caused the only people he loved to suffer while he was only left to watch in the ruins left behind.
2.
In the weeks after he still wasn’t used to the silence in his head. Without Gwi-ma’s whispers in his ear, he was left empty. Something hollow. Occasionally Rumi filled that silence with her never-ending love for him (He didn’t deserve it so why did she keep giving it? He caused her so much pain, but she still loved him?). He shouldn’t let her touch him – he was a pathetic excuse for man, even with his soul back- yet he was weak to her touch (Weak. Always weak. That’s why he should’ve been left to Gwi-ma the only one who could make him suffer for his sins).
Other than those occasions, he would just lie in bed (Not his bed. Always Rumi’s, even though he’d been offered his own room by an apprehensive Zoey and Mira). Not sleeping though. Just thinking. Always thinking, wondering why he let himself love someone who so clearly deserved a man who hadn’t hurt her, a man who hadn’t exposed her darkest secrets to the world. A man who hadn’t pushed her to the brink; to the point where she didn’t believe she could live in this world anymore. Because of him.
He wouldn’t eat for days on end. Sometimes on purpose. Sometimes not. Rumi tried her best to get him to open up but he had just returned to the closed off man he was before her. She didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve the mess he was.
He was plagued with his own nightmares too. Ones where he couldn’t save Rumi, where he was still trapped and she was gone. He spent most nights curled round the toilet, puking his empty guts up. A permanent ache had settled in his chest, flaring up everyone he saw Rumi, almost feeling like an anvil on his chest when he watched her laugh and smile like he hadn’t destroyed her, like he hadn’t helped break the very thing she promised to protect. And when that smile turned to him? Oh, he knew he was gone for her a long time ago and that smile made him melt but right now? Now, he didn’t deserve it. It made him sick to the stomach with guilt that she would still smile at him despite all the hardship and pain he had caused.
He never told anyone but sometimes…sometimes in the dead of the night when he was wracked with guilt, he thought everyone would be better off if he were gone. At least then he wouldn’t have to deal with this guilt when he looked at her. He would be sent back to Gwi-ma to suffer and that was all he deserved. But that was the cowards way out. Maybe he was just a coward.
Pathetic.
3.
The months after made the feeling worse. It wasn’t as if he was unused to soul crushing guilt after abandoning his sister and mother. But as HUNTER/X healed in the wake of the destruction he had caused, he found himself drifting. Aimless. He had no purpose without Gwi-ma forcing him to do his bidding. He woke up every day, wishing to have a purpose again. Just something to fill the void left in him. The abyss that was his stained soul.
Rumi was always next to him, perhaps she couldn’t see past her pity for him. Her sleeping form was always soft and peaceful, something he certainly didn’t contribute to. Her nightmares had lessened, only appearing as infrequent as he now had meals. But his? His had only gotten worse.
He had lost so much weight recently and no longer had any energy to do anything much. His days were mostly spent in bed - not sleeping, no he didn’t even have that luxury anymore. Ironic, isn’t it? It seemed his freedom hadn’t truly freed him at all.
Rumi noticed all these changes and tried to get him to talk to her. Funny how things had turned out. Jinu was supposed to ruin her, but she ended up ruining him. He was completely and utterly lost in his feelings for her. And it made his stomach turn. Someone as beautiful as Rumi should never have come near someone as disgusting as him.
4.
Even after almost a year had passed Jinu still didn’t get better. In fact, he seemed to just get worse. He was pale and skinny; he basically never slept anymore; his eye bags had eye bags. Even Mira and Zoey were concerned for him. He hadn’t left the penthouse since he first entered and hadn’t even talked much. Even to Rumi. He was constantly in a ratty pair of pajamas. An old pair of Rumi’s. Yes, they were for women but at this point Jinu had no dignity left. How could he? He’d tried to ruin the one person who genuinely seemed to care about him.
The first in 400 years.
It was exhausting to have such a pessimistic world view, but he couldn’t just stop the way his thoughts seemed to suffocate him. He was losing the will to keep his head above the water.
Even Rumi’s concern seemed to be drowning him. He couldn’t deal with this crushing guilt anymore. It was an ordeal every single day.
Every time he saw her, he wanted to break down, to spill every last secret in his dark heart. the heart that only beat for her. The heart that was once broken but she healed it and with his own bloody hands, he shattered it again. He felt everything was his fault. If being a demon meant feeling every negative emotion, then the return to human amplified it. And he just couldn’t stand it anymore.
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The day of the Idol Awards, the first day he was left alone, Jinu saw to it his exit from this world and back to the deep dark punishment that awaited him with Gwi-ma.
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Bonus Rumi POV
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. How could she be so stupid? She knew Jinu wasn’t okay. She saw his declining health, and she thought it’d be okay to leave him for a few hours to go to Idol Awards? How stupid could she get? Clearly a kind of stupid that left her beside a hospital bed with the man she loved lying in it.
She glanced over at his vitals again and nausea pounded at her head again as she recalled the sight that awaited her when she had returned home.
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Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck. What the fuck. There was so much blood. The bathroom was covered in it. Jinu’s blood. Tears streamed down Rumi’s face, dripping onto the prone form of Jinu in her arms as she pressed towels down onto both his wrists. Or tried too anyway. There was still too much blood soaking through the fabric, coating her hands and dripping to the floor. She felt sick.
Why did she leave him alone? Why didn’t she stay? Why didn’t she pay more attention? Why couldn’t she keep those she cared about safe? Why?
How could she be so careless? So heartless? Bile rose in her throat again. Mira called an ambulance while Zoey checked his pulse.
He’s still breathing.
Rumi almost broke down with relief, the ache in her chest easing slightly.
But he’s lost a lot of blood.
Fuck.
The ambulance came quickly, and the paramedics put him on a stretcher and carried him away. Almost in a daze, Rumi followed them, climbing into the ambulance behind them, still covered in blood. Jinu’s blood.
Oh.
She was soaked with it. A sign of her incompetence. Good. This way she couldn’t forget what she’d done to the man she loved.
5.
The beeping of the hospital monitors was the first thing Jinu heard again. Not that he knew they were hospital monitors. He just thought his eternal torment had started with loud annoying beeps. The feeling in his arms came back next and there was a weight on his right arm. He tried to open his eyes; it felt like someone was peeling his skin apart. He blinked at the weight on his arm. Purple hair. Double take. Blink again. Rumi.
What.
Disoriented, Jinu took in his surroundings. The white walls. The beeping. The monitors. The narrow bed and thin sheets.
Hospital.
He was in the hospital. That meant someone saved him. Rumi. Again. Always saving him. He didn’t want to burden her anymore. That’s why he…
Why did she save him? His distress seemed to have woken her as she stirred, releasing his arm. She looked up at him, her eyes widening before she burst into tears.
Damn it.
Of course it was his fault she was crying again. How useless could he get. She tried to touch him, but he jerked away. She couldn’t touch him. He was still too raw. Too vulnerable. She shouldn’t touch his disgusting self. He even failed to kill himself. He failed at even the cowards way out. How much more useless could he get. Rumi’s words became background noise to the buzzing in his head, distantly he could hear her trying to get him to stop.
Stop what?
He looked down.
Ah.
His fingers were stained red (to match his soul). The red was leaking over the bed. He was bleeding. He had ripped out all the needles, the bandages and started to scratch deep grooves into his skin. Good. He deserved this pain. He didn’t deserve Rumi.
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The next time he woke up he felt a lot better - well at least his head felt clearer. And Rumi was still there. She was curled up in a chair next to his bed, her hair long and loose round her. Tentatively, he reached out, his hand running through her hair.
(No. Don’t. Don’t touch her. Stop).
His thoughts began to rise again but he ignored them, just this once in favour of Rumi. What he should have been doing all along. Huh. It was almost cathartic, the way his fingers seemed to glide through her hair, and she didn’t even stir. Probably because her massive eyebags showed she clearly hadn’t slept much since he was admitted.
He still felt a sense of revulsion that he was even allowed to touch Rumi, but it was quieter now and the ache in his chest eased at the sight of her relaxed form. The ache was less like an anvil now and it allowed him to think a little clearer. Maybe she really did care about him. Maybe she didn’t think he was the bad guy. She had stayed. She cared.
His hand stopped in her hair.
Oh.
Oh.
The realisation hit him all at once. and his world tilted on its axis. Rumi genuinely cared for him. He just tried to kill himself. But she was still here. Still caring despite everything he’s done. So yes. Maybe he didn’t deserve her right now, but he’d try his damned hardest to do so.
+1
Five Months Later
Jinu had been released from the hospital not long after he had woken up and Rumi had stuck to him like a leech for the next few months. She literally refused to leave his side.
Jinu, on the other hand, had decided to see a therapist. And it was working. Big shocker there. He was working through his issues and despite it taking almost five months he had slept a full night’s sleep for the first time in a long, long time. He could touch Rumi without wanting to throw himself headfirst through a brick wall. Even Zoey and Mira made sure he ate regular meals. He was going outside regularly and actually changed out his pajamas every once in a while.
He opened up to Rumi about his guilt towards her and she cried. She had never wanted him to feel that way. Because in one way he had also freed her. That was the first time he had kissed her.
After five months of actually feeling like he was free, Jinu decided that maybe he did deserve this. Maybe he did deserve happiness and maybe most importantly. He did deserve Rumi.
Their relationship wasn’t perfect. It was fractured. It was messy. But it was healing. It was getting there. But most importantly, it was theirs. And no one could take that away from them.