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'World's Greatest Detective, huh?' Beatriz grunted, slamming the door behind her. She was used to being naked around Tora, and in no rush to put her clothes back on-- despite what had just happened.
'Well, at least he'll learn to knock before entering now. Tora, as always, had found a bright side. 'And at least it was you and not...' She considered the entire rest of the League. 'Anyone else, actually.' She made a show of not looking at Bea as she crossed the room to their one bed, but only because she knew Bea loved it when she did this.
'I'm gonna set his cape on fire.'
'It's probably fireproof.'
'How fireproof?'
Finally, Tora gave up on trying to avert her eyes: Bea may have loved the game of it all, but with a body like that, how could she not look? Beatriz was built like a dream, all soft curves and thick green hair. Batman had walked in on them before she could finish, and Tora had half a mind to pull Bea back into the bed with her and finish what they started: whether as Tora or as Ice, she made an effort to live up to her reputation as someone kind and gentle, but Beatriz liked a little roughness, and Tora was a born people pleaser.
She realised Bea had noticed the look on her face, and was very intentionally standing in a way that emphasised her curves. 'Hot in here,' she said. 'Can you cool me down a little?'
With a smirk and a practiced gesture, Tora conjured a bead of ice and ran it along the inside of Bea's thigh. Bea stifled a gasp, grabbed a candle from their bedside, and lit it with a burst of green flame, dripping the molten wax onto Tora's collarbone.
Both of their communicators flared to life on their bedside table: Tora recognised from the pattern of lights that someone had called a non-emergency meeting.
'That can wait,' Bea decided, sweeping them onto the floor, where they were immediately lost among the detritus of discarded clothing.
'Bats, I know you never sleep, but some of us do,' Booster yawned. 'Can this not wait until breakfast?'
'I know you were awake watching Star Trek reruns,' Batman replied.
'Guy is using the VCR for something and they're running Measure of a Man,' Ted protested. 'Damn right we're staying up for it.'
'How'd he know that?' Booster asked.
'Why can we only afford one VCR with Max Lord, money incarnate, funding us?' Ted replied.
'Because I'm your financial backer,' Max replied. 'Not your father.'
Booster nodded. 'Sorry, dad.'
'Well now I feel stupid for buying you slippers for Father's Day,' Ted added.
'Don't worry, blue,' Guy Gardner called, from the next room. 'You've plenty of other things to feel stupid for, too.'
'And besides,' Max said, 'we all agreed that whoever's on monitor duty gets priority on the VCR.'
Scott Free chose this moment to enter through the wall in full costume. 'Sorry I'm late,' he said, joining them at the conference table.
'Is our door not good enough for you, Scott?' Max asked.
'Sorry I'm late,' Scott replied. 'Late. Sorry I'm late.'
'Has he been off lately, or is it just me?' Booster asked.
'Can we get this over with?' Guy called from the monitor room. 'You bozos are lucky I can multi-task like this.'
'Not until everyone is here,' Batman insisted. 'Gardner, could you please come in here? This concerns you as much as anyone else here.'
Reluctantly, Guy Gardner abandoned monitor duty (or, more accurately, the magazine he was reading while he was supposed to be on monitor duty) and stomped into the room: the first thing he noticed was the hole in the wall left by Scott. 'Jeez, Scott, if you need to work out some anger I've a punching bag in the basement.'
'And two more over here,' Booster added.
'Are you saying I pick on you?'
'We're saying you pick on everyone,' Ted said. 'Except Tora. And Batman, but only because you know how that ends.'
'He took a cheap shot,' Guy insisted, buttons already thoroughly pressed. 'You want a rematch, batsy? Name the time and place.'
'That won't be necessary.' Ever the voice of reason, J'onn J'onzz had finally arrived to intervene. 'What happened to our wall?'
'Sorry I'm late,' Scott said.
'Sometimes I really do worry about that boy,' Max sighed.
'Some of us need a reminder of the Justice League Charter,' Batman declared.
'Wait, wait, Ice and Fire aren't here yet,' Booster said.
'They know what this is about,' Max said.
'There are rules against...' Batman considered his words. 'Fraternization.'
Ted raised his hand. 'Is it too late for me to go get popcorn? This feels like it's gonna be one of those meetings.'
'Sorry I'm late,' Scott added.
'The rules are very explicit in this regard,' J'onn said, ignoring the interruptions. 'Although I fail to see how they apply here.'
'Yeah, Tora and I are just playin' it casual,' Guy said.
'And how does Fire factor into their relationship?' Booster asked.
'She doesn't. She's Tora's best friend, so I gotta respect her a little, but...'
'I think that new particle accelerator they're building in Switzerland might just be capable of detecting something as small as Guy's respect for Fire,' Booster mused.
'Finally, a particle even smaller than a Kirbon,' Ted added.
Guy stood up to respond, but hesitated. 'Anyone else smell burning?'
'More of a... melted plastic smell?' Booster offered.
'No, no-- it's like that fire we put out at the stocking factory last month,' Ted decided.
Batman reached to his throat, unclasped his cape, and let it fall to the floor. 'Ms. Da Costa, please refrain from trying to set my cape on fire.'
'I didn't set it on fire,' Bea insisted, storming into the room and dragging a giggling Tora beside her. 'But not for lack of trying. That thing is seriously fireproof.'
'The whole suit is.'
'Then I'll burn out your nose hairs next time. Anyway, what's all this about?'
'Bats is tellin' us the League Charter forbids fooling around with other members,' Guy said. 'Beatriz, I can't believe you'd stoop so low as Ted or Booster-- and with me right here!'
'How long would it take for your ridiculous bowl cut to grow back?' Bea growled.
'Women love my hair!'
'Women, plural? Or just your dear old mother?'
'Sorry I'm late,' Scott said.
'I'm gonna have to have a word with Barda about her husband,' Max grumbled.
'Enough!' Batman declared. 'I'm talking about Olafsdotter and Da Costa.'
The silence lasted only a few seconds. 'Pay up,' Ted said, elbowing Booster.
'Great, now I'm missing Data's trial and I'm out fifty bucks,' Booster said. 'Bea and Tora are an item?'
'I thought that was common knowledge,' Ted said. 'Everyone else knew, right?'
'I only got invoiced for one bed after Bea's new powers took out their old room,' Max shrugged.
'Their room is... directly below mine,' J'onn intoned. Tora blushed a deep red. 'We'll try to keep it down.'
'Sorry I'm late,' Scott said.
Everyone turned to Guy.
'I know they're sleepin' together,' he said, 'but it don't count if it's just two chicks. That's just them bein' friendly.'
'If all of you knew,' Batman said, 'why has this gone on for so long?'
'Take a closer look at the charter,' J'onn said. 'Pre-existing relationships are exempt.'
'They've been bonking on the sly since they were in the Global Guardians?' Ted asked, eyebrows raised.
'I knew it!' Booster hissed. 'Ted, pay up.'
With a sigh, Ted slid Booster his fifty dollars back and reached into his wallet for another. 'I was so sure this was a more recent thing.'
'You were betting on us?' Beatriz asked.
'Booster was pretty sure you'd been an item since before you joined the team, but I thought you'd gotten together sometime around Apokolips.
'So it... never crossed anyone's minds that Fire and I weren't a couple?' Tora asked.
Everyone glanced at one another (with the exception of Scott, who sat in complete silence staring straight ahead).
'Nah, I knew,’ Guy shrugged.
‘I got the timeline wrong,’ Ted admitted, ‘but it’s… not exactly subtle.’
‘Same, except I just got fifty bucks for getting the timeline right.’
‘Again,’ J’onn added, ‘your room is directly below mine.’
‘Sorry I’m late,’ Scott said, before calmly standing up and walking back through the hole in the wall.
‘Alfred,’ Bruce said, ‘get me my address book. Something came up with the League today… I missed something I shouldn’t have.’
‘Everything alright, sir?’
The cool air of the batcave stayed silent for a few moments as Bruce leaned back in his chair and considered his answer. It’s my job to know everything about the people I work with, he thought. Including how to stop them, if-- no, when-- I have to. If I missed something here, there’s a chance I’ve missed something elsewhere. I need to cover my blind spots.
‘No, but it will be once I get to the bottom of this.’
It took him a moment to find the first number he was after; they’d moved not long ago, but they hadn’t made any major effort to cover their tracks. They picked up after barely a single ring.
‘Free Household,’ the voice on the other end said. ‘This is Barda speaking.’
‘Barda. Are you and your husband aware that Fire and Ice are…?’
‘Batman. How did you get this number?’
‘Did you know they were an item?’
‘Was it supposed to be a secret?’
Bruce considered this. He wasn’t actually sure himself, so he decided to avoid the question. ‘How did you know?’
‘I was the leader of the Female Furies on Apokolips. Do you have any idea how many gay women such an organisation attracts? From what I understand, it was like Themyscira, but with more flaying.’
‘Themyscira?’
Silence from the other end of the line. ‘Did you not know--’
Bruce slammed the phone down. In hindsight, it seemed obvious that an island of women would have certain preferences. Does that mean Diana…?
He had to get to the bottom of this, which meant one more phone call. This number, at least, he didn’t need the Bat-Address Book for. It rang for a moment before someone picked up.
‘May I ask who’s calling at this hour?’ A stern voice intoned.
‘Bruce Wayne,’ he said, trying to remember the name of the Kane family’s butler. ‘I wanted a word with my cousin, and we both have such busy schedules…’
‘I’ll see if she’s available, master Bruce.’
Another few moments of silence, followed by a tired-sounding ‘Bruce?’
‘Kate. Look, I’ll make this quick: you’re gay.’
‘No kidding. World’s Greatest Detective strikes again.’
‘Do I have a… blind spot for gay women?’
‘Oh, one second.’ Kate placed her hand over the phone to muffle it, and then called, ‘it’s my cousin Bruce! He wants to know-- I will, I will.’ Clearer, she continued, ‘Pamela says hi.’ Another muffled voice. ‘And that she’s sorry she kidnapped you that one time.’
‘Wait, Pamela as in...?’
Under her breath, Kate said, ‘Like you’ve never slept with someone from the other side before.’
‘Well, I can’t argue with that.’
‘Anyway, I’d say you do. This is about those two women from the Global Guardians, isn’t it?’
‘You’ve never even met them.’
‘I’ve seen them on the news.’
‘That’s not enough to--’
‘I also bumped into them in a bar in New York once on a business trip.’
‘What does that tell you?’
‘Bruce. What kind of bars do you think I visit?’
Bruce Wayne sat in silence for several moments before hanging up. Okay, so maybe he had a blind spot. But he couldn’t be the only one, right?
‘Alfred?’ He called. ‘Fire and Ice, from the League—’
‘Ah, those would be the two young lesbians in the Justice League International?’
‘How did you know?’
‘Butlers, sir, have ears everywhere. And that extends to the Batcave.’
‘I…’ he said. ‘I should at least call Barda back, let her know that her husband has been replaced by a robot double.’
‘Very well, sir.’
‘Actually, she probably already knows.’
‘Very well, sir.’
With a sigh, he concluded, ‘I’m heading out on patrol. Page me on the Bat-beeper if anything important happens at the manor.’
Alfred nodded. ‘Good luck, sir.’
Some hours later, J’onn J’onzz was awoken from his meditation by a scream. Gratingly, he knew exactly who it was any why.
‘Sorry,’ a breathless Beatriz called through the floor. ‘We’ll try to keep it down.’
He sighed, reached for the nearest box of oreos, and resigned to call Max in the morning to ask about soundproofing.