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Carlton doesn’t have affection in his life. The closest thing he can even count as affection are Shawn Spencer’s episodes, lord help him.
When Spencer has one of his psychotic or “psychic” episodes, he always finds some way to hang off of Carlton. It should be annoying as all hell for a grown ass man with the sillies to tug at his hair or move Carlton’s arms all around as he plays puppeteer. And Carlton always tries to act like he hates the attention and the theatrics. And he does. Mostly. Except for the fact that he doesn’t. Not really. Not completely. He likes it when Spencer physically chooses to aggravate him. Because otherwise he would never be touched and Spencer may act like a freaking idiot but at least he isn’t boring. Or completely stupid. And Spencer’s touch makes him feel alive. It’s always new and exciting and baffling.
He never plans on letting Spencer know that. Carlton would never hear the end of it. Everyone in the precinct would never hear the end of it actually. Because it isn’t like Spencer to keep anything to himself, especially when he’s pleased with himself. Carlton hates him sometimes. Except that he doesn’t do that either. Damn Spencer.
~
It's been a while since he's seen Spencer waltz into the precinct. And yes, he means that literally. Both goddamn ways that sentence can be taken. Because Carlton really hasn't seen him in a while and he does quite literally waltz into the room.
O'Hara looks slightly amused by Spencer's antics while Carlton rolls his eyes and gets up to get some actual police work done.
But of course Shawn Spencer manages to weasel his way onto a case he has no business being on. His case. And Carlton wants to be annoyed but…It's embarrassing that he's actually glad to see the dumbass.
He's just heading out of the interrogation room and down a secluded hallway when they meet face to face. Spencer grins so wide it hurts Carlton's face just to look at him.
“Why helloOo. If it isn’t my favorite detective. How long has it been Lassie? Huh? A week? A few weeks? Too long to go without me?”
A month. Exactly 30 days. Carlton knows. He’s been keeping track since Spencer decided to butt into his perfectly fine way of life. 30 days without Shawn Spencer related disasters. Correction- 0 days without Shawn Spencer related disasters. Because he also knows that Spencer always manages to piss him off or ruin a case in one way or another every damn day he exists here.
“Don’t screw this up.”
Gasp. “Lassieee, I would never!~”
Why did he have to sing song his voice so early in the morning?
“I missed you Lassie Lass! Did you miss me? Of course you missed me :) I’m your number one!”
Too much energy.
“Look, Spencer, I don’t have time for this-”
“Psh, you always have time for me,” Spencer says before pressing himself into Carlton’s side and gently wrapping his arms around him.
Carlton’s skin prickles like it’s suddenly been doused in ice water and he can’t breathe. He sputters as his heart threatens to leap out of his chest. And he doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what to do. His face is on fire and his eyes are stinging and his whole body is in shock.
“I actually did miss you, Lass. You and your ａｄｏｒａｂｌｅ ｇｒｕｍｐｙ ｍｕｇ~”
Knock it off, Spencer is what he should be growling at him. The words stick in his throat when the man nuzzles his face against his upper arm and it has his stomach doing flips. He’s shaking and he’s afraid of whatever the hell Spencer will ‘psychically vibe’ from that.
“Lassie face?”
“Dammit,” he whispers, his skin still reeling at the contact. He closes his eyes tight.
It’s Spencer. It’s just Spencer. It’s just a hug. But despite telling himself that, it sounds like he’s trying to convince himself more than anything.
He really needs to calm down before Spencer lets go and he never hugs him again.
Carlton’s going to lose him like this. Normally, he pushes Spencer away or yells at him. He’s not playing their game this time. He’s not annoyed or giving Spencer the reaction he’s probably looking for. And what kind of person lets a hug last this long without reciprocating or pulling away? Spencer’s going to know how messed up he is on the inside and Carlton doesn’t want that.
What he really wants is to hug Spencer back. His touch is so soft and warm…But Carlton still can’t relax.
Spencer pulls back a little to peek up at Lassiter’s face. “Hey…You’re not shaking from anger, are you?” He asks quietly, but it’s not really a question or a realization. It’s prompting. It’s concern. And Carlton doesn’t like it one bit.
“Don’t analyze me. I hate it when you do that.”
“Lass...”
“Just give me a minute.”
So Spencer lays his head back against Carlton’s arm and stays uncharacteristically silent.
The touch sets Carlton off again, gives him goosebumps. It has him blinking away tears.
But then there’s time. Spencer actually gives him time.
And soon his heart calms and his body slowly releases its tension and he can finally breathe again. It slowly gets used to the touch, the shock of it wearing off. He takes a minute to feel that change before wrapping his arm around Spencer and pressing him closer. It’s not enough though. Because it’s Spencer, he wants more than this.
Stupid. How could he be so-
“Lassie.” Spencer worries.
And that’s when he realizes he’s in tears.
He wants to punch himself for getting so emotional over a hug. Because no really, what in the hell is wrong with him? It’s just a hug. It shouldn't be a big deal. It shouldn't mean so much. Because- Because hell, no one else gets this emotional over being held onto. No one. But…it’s just been so long since he’s been held. Though never this gently. Never like this. Never…
He feels Spencer squeeze him closer and Carlton leans into him, his fingers digging into Spencer's shirt until he has fists full of fabric.
His heart aches with want. He doesn't want him to let go.
And then “What’s going on with you?” Spencer asks softly, slowly. “You’re not complaining or pushing me away. You're…holding me back.”
“I should push you away.” Carlton says automatically.
“Why?”
“Why? Because this is unprofessional, Spencer. And not my persona. I…I have work to do. I shouldn’t- I…I shouldn’t.”
“Lassie, it’s okay. You don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to be some persona-y thing.”
“Yes I do.”
“Lassie, Lassie, Lassie. Just be yourself. Quiet the voices. Act however you want. Act like no one cares. I won’t judge you I swear. Pinky promise.”
“But I’m judging me.”
“Why?”
“This is so stupid.”
“It’s not stupid when you’re this upset. I want to know what’s going on in that big detective brain of yours. Talk to me, baby boy.”
“Don’t call me that,” Carlton grumbles, feeling his face heat with embarrassment.
“Lass,” Spencer says gently.
“No.”
“Lass, I care about you. Seriously, please talk to me.”
Carlton clenches his teeth together. He knows he’s about to relent and it’s terrifying. But Spencer saying ‘please’ and ‘seriously’ in the same sentence and meaning it has him shaken. It does sound like he cares and it’s been a long time since Carlton’s felt anyone care about him. “It’s stupid,” he says again as his eyes start to burn.
“It’s not.”
Carlton huffs. “You’ve been gone. I haven’t spoken to hardly anyone but perps and the chief. I've barely said a word to O'Hara. I’ve been running on autopilot, doing nothing but work. It’s been a whole month since you’ve entered this precinct. I think…maybe I miss you when you leave.”
“Awwwwww, Lassie face!” Spencer cries loudly, sounding absolutely touched. Obnoxiously so.
It annoys the hell out of Carlton. He glares, his cheeks on fire. “Shut up, Spencer,” he growls, fearing he’ll never hear the end of this if he doesn’t shut him down now.
“But Lassafrass, you love me! You miss me when I’m gone. You totally heart me! You-“
“Stop. It.”
“Aww, you’re starting to sound more like yourself again.”
“Just forget it! I don’t know why I try to tell you anything.”
“Oh don’t be like that.” Spencer says with a pout, leaning back enough to catch Lassiter’s eyes.
“This was a mistake.”
“Hey, no, nu-uh. My mistake, Lassie Frassie. I got happy when you said you miss me. I wasn’t teasing you or anything.”
“Yeah right.”
“I’ll get serious again. I promise.”
Carlton looks away, his heart in his throat. He’s had enough embarrassment and vulnerability for a lifetime just in this short pocket of time. He doesn’t know if he can survive much more, especially if Spencer keeps acting this ridiculous.
“Lass?”
"You better not make fun of me. Or tell anyone else, including Guster—"
“Okay, okay. Absolutely. Not a word. My lips are zipped. No need for threats. I’ll be a good boy.”
Carlton rolls his eyes.
“I’ll be serious, Lass.” He says softer and Carlton knows he means it this time.
“Fine.” He’d cross his arms if they weren’t still around Spencer. He doesn’t want to let go though and he finds himself tightening his grip. “I can’t believe I’m talking to you about this. I’ve never told anyone that I’m…”
“What?”
Carlton shakes his head. He doesn’t know how to say it so he just starts right back at the beginning. “I don’t know how to…It’s…It’s different when you’re here. I feel different.”
“Good different? Bad different?”
“I don’t know. Just…different.”
“Okay…”
“You’re always doing weird bullshit. I should hate every second of it, but sometimes I don’t. And when you hang off of me like an insane person, babbling absolute nonsense…I feel energized…alive. It’s the same feeling I get when I make an unbelievable arrest or chase down a criminal. You make me feel…I mean sometimes it’s like I’ve got some stupid crush on you which is crazy. But I’ve never met anyone like you or had anyone touch me so many times in the most random ways. I think…” The words stick on Carlton’s tongue. “I thought I was fine being alone but I haven’t felt right. I haven’t been right in a long time. And I…I think I’m…touch starved,” he whispers.
“Oh…”
“You don’t have to say anything, Spence.’ I’ll handle it. I can handle it. I-”
“Babygirl.”
A sob escapes him then and Spencer curls his hands around Carlton’s face, holding him like he’s so precious and important. He wipes away the tears with his thumbs and he keeps holding Carlton's gaze, his eyes sad and unbearably fond.
"Jesus, Spencer, don't," He croaks.
"Don't what?"
"Just- Just don't," He cries. But don't what? Carlton doesn't even know he's so overwhelmed by Spencer's affection. He doesn't know what to do.
Spencer gently squeezes Lassiter's face then before letting go. He steps back just a bit, raising his hands up in surrender.
Carlton angrily swipes at his eyes until he gets the damn tears to stop.
"It sounds like you’re in serious need of some cuddle time."
“Spence…”
“The case can wait. Jules can take care of things here.”
"But-"
"And you can come with me to the fantastic world of lazy town where there will be movies and snacks and couch cushions and cuddles."
His heart lurches at the idea of being cuddled by Spencer.
He should say no but… “Okay,” He agrees softly.
And Spencer practically skips on their way to ask O'Hara to cover for them. He knows he should feel bad asking his work partner to deal with things without him, especially for something so ridiculous as him needing…cuddles. He doesn't tell her that obviously, just that he really needs a break. She understands and he's grateful. It's great having someone he can always count on to have his back.
"See? What did I tell you?" Spencer says like he knew it would all work out.
Lassiter just knows he's forgetting how scary the chief can be when they don't do what they're supposed to. Carlton decides not to remind him.
___________
When they get to the Psych building, Spencer’s smiling far too wide for Carlton’s liking.
He ta-das the door open like Carlton’s never been there before and walks backwards through the entrance like a weirdo.
He rambles for a while like the dork he is and Carlton only gets about half of what he’s saying. But Carlton’s mind is also divided. He can’t stop thinking about Spencer’s suggestion that they…cuddle. Carlton’s not even sure he knows how. Well, he knows how in theory but…
He doesn’t know what to do. How to stand. Where to look.
He just feels so awkward.
It doesn't help that he admitted that he might have a crush on the man earlier and he doesn't understand why Spencer isn't dangling that over his head right now, laughing at him. Why hasn't he said anything about it? Was he going to? Would he let Carlton live it down? Were they really going to cuddle because Carlton needed the affection or did Spencer want to so he could make fun of him for it later? Spencer wouldn't do that, right?
But Spencer just rambles on about movies they could watch while he microwaves a bag of popcorn, completely fine while Carlton stands there slowly spiraling.
"So what do you want to watch, Lass?"
"I don't care." He grumbles.
But he does care. That is if he's actively watching the movie. That is, if he can even focus on it. He blinks in surprise though when Spencer holds up four different movies he'd actually be into. An historical drama, an action movie, a documentary, and a thriller. "Oh," He says, grabbing them one by one out of Spencer's hands and reading the backs. "These are great choices, Spencer. I didn't know you watched anything like this."
Spencer grins so softly at him that Carlton feels his face heat.
"What?"
Spencer grins even wider. It's unsettling. It makes Carlton nervous. But then Spencer breaks eye contact and grabs the TV controller with a happy little hum. He presses the power button and makes gimme hands at him.
Carlton sighs and flips through the DVDs again before he settles on one and hands it over. Spencer makes the DVD player eat it.
"Gus is busy today," Spencer tells him as they sit down on the couch while the movie previews get going.
It's good to know that Guster's not going to burst in during…whatever the hell this is. Carlton thinks he'd probably run right out the door if Guster saw them like this. Maybe even jump out a window if his exit was blocked.
Spencer offers him popcorn like this is normal. Like they've done this before.
And Carlton doesn't know why this feels like it should be normal. Like it…feels right.
He's embarrassed to admit he had trouble picking a movie. They all looked good. And it felt like Spencer was really looking at him. Really knew him. And it was so weird but…so nice too.
And maybe this is what he's been missing. Maybe this is why Carlton's been so lonely. Maybe all this time he's just needed some companionship…and to be known.
He's always felt so excluded, singled out, and like he didn't quite fit. So for a long time, he hasn't tried to be anything with anyone. Sometimes he thinks he was made to be a detective and that's it. And right now, he's not sure what he is.
It should scare him more. But somehow, it's nice being here with Spencer.
Well. Until he opens his mouth. "I think it's cuddling time!"
Carlton blanches. "Spencer, I don't know…"
"Just…tell me if it's too much, okay? We can stop, or take breaks, or work up to it if you're not ready. Or we don't have to at all if you really don't want to, or if you don't think you can…"
Carlton's heart does a little twist in his chest.
Spencer's actually considering his feelings and trying to go at his pace. No one's ever really cared before or even tried to. No one's ever let him set the pace or even wanted to hold him before. Carton fiddles with his tie for a second, trying to work up his damn courage. He gulps. "I want to try."
Shawn smiles at him like he just landed on the moon. Like he's amazing. Like he's proud of him.
Carlton's face heats and his heart races. Damn. He feels himself falling in love, this whoosh of emotion in his chest that feels like falling from somewhere high up. This annoying ass man in front of him is caring about him and giving him good movies to choose from and looking at him like that. Carlton can't take it.
He trembles as Spencer very slowly, very carefully leans against his side and lays his head on Carlton's shoulder.
"Too much?" Spencer asks.
Too much. Not enough. Unfortunately both at the same time.
Carlton holds his breath as his skin panics over being touched. The sensory input is overwhelming and it takes him several solid minutes to calm down and for the panic to ease, slowly curling into relief.
"It's good," Carlton whispers after.
"Yippee!" Spencer says, slowly melting against him. "Yippee-ki-yay."
Carlton chuckles, rolling his eyes fondly at him. This dork.
He leans his face against Spencer's head, enjoying the closeness. And Spencer gently wraps himself around Carlton's arm, hugging it.
"Still good?"
"Yeah," Carlton whispers, his heart squeezing in his chest. "Still good."
And that's how they spend the whole movie, with Spencer casually testing how much cuddling and affection Carlton can stand.
He enjoys every second of it.
But as soon as the movie credits roll, Spencer sits up and asks him, “So can we talk about the whole ‘crush’ thing now?”
Oh Carlton had so hoped Spencer would forget he ever said that word. “There’s nothing to talk about.” He says rigidly.
"But-"
“No.”
"You said-"
“I know what I said, Spencer! I know. And I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Well I do. Because I’ve had a massive crush on you since forever.”
Carlton blinks. “What. No you haven’t,” He hisses.
"Why do you think I’m all over you when I see you or always trying to rile you up or always teasing you? It’s because you’re my favorite, Lass. I…really like you."
Carlton grabs Spencer’s arms and pushes him away, standing so quickly his head spins and crossing his arms because "You don’t like me, dammit. I would know."
Shawn looks heartbroken then, his eyes shining in the light, reflecting the possibility of tears. Carlton doesn’t know what to do with that, especially not when Spencer stands and gets closer, his hand reaching out, hanging in the air between them.
“Can I show you?” He whispers.
Carlton feels like his throat is closing up. He nods before he even knows he’s doing it and Spencer gets closer, his hand slowly cupping the base of Carlton’s neck.
“Can I kiss you?”
Dear lord. What? “Why?” He croaks.
“Lassie,” He says, his thumb gently stroking the hair on Carlton's neck and making him shake. "Tell me what you want."
Heart beating out of his chest, Carlton leans closer. Because just maybe, just once he can have it all and be okay.
Spencer follows him until they meet in the middle. It’s so soft, a gentle brush. The best kiss Carlton's ever had.
Spencer lightly knocks their foreheads together before pulling away.
Lassiter feels like he's floating and his chest is filled with warmth.
Spencer’s grinning so wide. "Your eyes lit up."
He blushes. "No they didn't. Shut up."
"Oh they so did!"
"Why are you like this?"
"Because I love you!"
Good god. "Don't say shit like that! You are so annoying."
"You love me too!"
"Stop that!"
"Never! Now that I've got your heart, I am never going to let you go, Lassie Lass."
"You're ridiculous."
"Hey, let’s be one of those annoying couples that go out in public attached at the hip and are so mushy gushy they make everyone else go yuck when they see them."
“That sounds awful.” Carlton says. “…For everyone else.” And then he grins a bit wickedly. "Let’s do it."
“Lassie!” He yells in pure joy, launching himself at Carlton. "I knew I loved you for a reason!"
"Gah- Spencer!!!"
"Shoot! Sorry. Too much?"
Lassiter flushes, staggering a bit, his arms full of Spencer. "You're an idiot," he mutters.
And his eyes sting. The abundance of contact and Spencer's excessive happiness bring all of his emotions to the surface. He never thought he could have this. He never thought he could be loved and held onto and cared about. He feels like he's been broken and put back together all at once. He grips onto Spencer tightly as if he's going to disappear.
Spencer leans his head back just a bit and then gingerly presses their foreheads together. “I really like you, Lass." He says softly.
Carlton smiles, his eyes glittering. “Lord help me but I like you too."
Spencer squeaks with joy. "Lassieeee!"
"You're too loud!"
"My happiness can't be contained! You can't put a volume button on that!"
"Dork."
"But I'm your dork."
"Yeah, yeah," Carlton sighs. He's not sure which one of them is happier right now.
They stay wrapped up in each other's arms for a long time and for Carlton, it's nothing short of the best day of his life.
For once, Carlton feels like everything's going to be okay. He's not going to be lonely anymore.