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"How old are you, Jungkook?" The man questioned, looking up at the young boy from his thick-lens glasses. The man had pulled a rolling chair next to Jungkook's hospital bed moments before, a cork clipboard seated in his hands and pen tapping against the paper tucked between the metal clips. He was wearing a pair of blue scrubs covered by his large white coat to match everything else in the room. Almost blindingly so.
Jungkook briefly wondered why everything was white in hospitals, was it so nurses could see blood easier if something was wrong? Or could it be to just give off the appearance of cleanliness so patients would feel safer? Maybe it was both. But he would have still preferred if everything wasn't white, maybe then patients wouldn't be so startled when they woke up. To fall asleep in a dark bed with the only light being from the street lamps outside his window and then to open your eyes to ten thousand-watt lightbulbs on the ceiling and five nurses wearing nothing but fucking Clorox Bleach white in a room that made him feel like he had awoken in purgatory was terrifying. He honestly thought he had been abducted by aliens in the night.
Jungkook looked at the man again, brought out of his thoughts by the sound of the pen tapping against the clipboard.
"Spacing out is normal for someone who has experienced trauma, so let me repeat the question." The man said, moving to write something down on his paper. "What is your age?" He asked, not looking up from his writing.
Jungkook frowned, what a stupid question. Ever since he woke up, people had been asking unnecessary things: "How many fingers am I holding up?" "What brand of water do you like?" "How many members are there in One Direction?"
The fuck kind of question was that last one? Anyone with a brain knew there were five.
"Uh," Jungkook started, "I'm sixteen."
The doctor nodded at him and looked back down to his clipboard, quickly scrabbling something on it. "You're eighteen." He said, matter-of-factly. Jungkook cocked his head at the man, furrowing his eyebrows. "Okay, so the trauma has definitely caused you to develop retrograde amnesia." He mumbled, his pen moving furiously on the paper.
Jungkook stared at him, waiting for the man to tell him what was going on. He was the patient, here, wasn't Mister Doctor supposed to fill him in on how his body was messed up? Wasn't Mister Fucking Doctor supposed to tell him why he got amnesia? All Jungkook knew is that he went to sleep in his bed last night and now he was here.
Or...maybe not?
There were some things he could see himself doing in his mind's eye, but he wasn't certain if he actually did those things. Like, he could see himself in the mall, purchasing a Big Bang album, but he couldn't actually recognize which album it was. Jungkook liked to pride himself on his extensive knowledge of the group but obviously he was not as hardcore as he thought he was if he couldn't remember what album he bought.
There were a few random blurry memories (?) that he could see, but it was difficult to discern if they were reality or not. For all he knew, Big Bang never actually came out with a new album and he just dreamt it all up in some weird fantasy like he was wont to do.
The man hummed thoughtfully, his pen stilling as he stood up. "I wouldn't be too worried," he explained, "it's likely that once you're around your family and back in familiar settings, you'll start to remember. Because this is retrograde amnesia, you may never remember the days leading up to the event or the event itself so-"
"What do you mean?" Jungkook interrupted. "I don't understand all that Doctor lingo, help me out, here."
The man sighed, rolling the chair away from the hospital bed and back over to it's original spot near the desk in the corner. "Retrograde amnesia, as opposed to Anterograde, is when you lose your memories that happened before trauma occurred. You lose more memories closest to the event because the memories you've had longest, you've had time to think back on. That's why you're not remembering these past two years instead of your first two years, do you understand?"
"Not really."
"You'll be fine." The doctor reassured, ignoring Jungkook's lost expression. "You won't have to worry about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, either, because like I said, it's unlikely you'll remember the incident itself or the actions leading up to it."
Jungkook furrowed his eyebrows, "what incident?"
The doctor hesitated, "your family has discussed it, and they decided I'm not going to be the one to tell you. Ask them when you see them." He said quickly, heading towards the door.
"Wait, wait, I have another question. If you have amnesia, isn't your head supposed to be hurt?" He asked, pulling his fingers into a small fist and tapping his skull. That had been one thing that confused him when the nurses were whispering about amnesia like little schoolgirls who saw their crush. His head was in tip-top shape, there were no bumps, no bruises, nothing. There wasn't a huge junk of his head missing, he was just as much Jungkook as he was before.
"Getting bonked on the head is not the only damage your brain can endure that will give you amnesia, kid."
Jungkook curled his lip up at the door but laid back in his bed. All he'd done for the past two days was sit there and wait for people, wait for food, wait for doctors, wait for everything and now he had to wait more. He wasn't even that surprised by what the doctor said, actually, he'd been expecting it. It wasn't that hard to figure out there was something wrong when all the nurses were laughing at you because you said Obama was running for his second term. Who cares about American politics, anyway? Jungkook doesn't even pay attention to what's going on in his own country. He wasn't even old enough to vote so why did it matter?
Well, actually, now he was? Oh God, this was getting confusing.
Jungkook moaned, slamming himself back down onto the hospital bed and pulling the thin sheet over his face. He wondered if there was some policy that if you have amnesia you need to rest your mind so it doesn't break more or something. Was that possible? Even if it wasn't he could probably still use it as an excuse to not do anything. (Mom~ I can't do the dishes, I need to rest my brain~)
-
When Jungkook is checked out of the hospital a few days later with his parents, it's painfully awkward. They're walking on eggshells to avoid any topic that he wouldn't know about while he's pursing his lips, looking to the floor, and counting how many ridges there were in the tiled floor of their kitchen.
The doctor told him and his parents that he needed to stay around them as much as possible and revisit places they may have gone in the past two years to help bring his memories back. It was actually quite astonishing how much had gone on in that time, he had expected to have graduated high school, maybe gotten a job, but not much more than that. But actually, his family had gone on a vacation to Taipei, which his father even showed him pictures of before Jungkook got freaked out and asked him to put them away.
It turns out seeing yourself in photos you have no recollection of taking is a bit scary. And even though his parents hoped that the photos and stories of what he's done in the past few years would help him remember, they did not. If anything, it just made him more confused. When he was first told he had amnesia, he didn't really take it seriously. It was almost like a joke to him, this wasn't really happening to him. No, no this is something that happens to the people in the movies and dramas, not some kid who had...something...happen to him?
To be honest, Jungkook was a bit scared to find out what had happened to him. He wasn't dumb, it must have been bad if it garnered that response from his doctor. He hadn't asked his parents yet, though, like the doctor advised. If it was something really bad, then he didn't want to ask them until the time was right. Maybe he should wait a while to ask them at all; after all he was still taking in all of this new information, it might be better to try to get his memories back, first. Besides, didn't the doctor tell him he might never remember the actual "incident" in the first place? He had time.
Jungkook smiled at his mother appreciatively as she sat a bowl of Soft Tofu Soup down in front of him. He was aware it was a comfort food, but it really just made him feel more uncomfortable than he already was. He knew his parents had to have gone through an extremely rough time with the hospital bills and worrying about him so he couldn't help but wonder if this was more for them than him, but he wouldn't push it.
After a few minutes of them all eating silently, Jungkook noticed his mother putting on a pair of glasses as she picked up everyone's dishes. She was forty, but it was startling how much older she looked when she put them on. "Since when do you have glasses?" He asked flippantly, watching her wash the dishes.
She paused in her working and turned around to look at him. "I've had these for years."
Jungkook shrugged, "then why are you acting all surprised that I didn't know? I can't exactly remember these past few years." He knew it was wrong to have snapped at her, but it made him feel a bit better. They'd been acting like he was going to shatter if they said the slightest words to him, like he had regressed to a five year old instead of a sixteen year old. Jungkook wanted to be treated like he was the same person coming out of the hospital as he was going in but it didn't seem that was likely to happen.
"Jungkook, baby-"
"Don't call me that. I'm eighteen, right? I'm not a baby." He said, voice raised. With one angry look from his father, he stood up, stalking off to his room and closing the door. He was careful not to slam it, though. He didn't want to come off as a toddler throwing a hissy-fit.
It was obvious his parents were out of their comfort zone, but Jungkook didn't see the big deal. He guessed it was just because he couldn't recollect the memories that he didn't find himself missing them. How are you supposed to miss something you never had?
Jungkook sighed, flipping his light off and crumpling onto his bed. Being in the hospital's thin white sheets made him miss his own. So he cocooned himself inside of them, his lips pursing down into a pout.
He could still hear his parents in the kitchen, and realized they were talking about him. Jungkook stilled all of his movements, ears perking up at the noise.
"I had to buy these glasses four years ago." He heard his mother's muffled voice say. "I thought- I thought...They said his memory was only lost from two years back!"
"I know, sweetie, I know." His father consoled. Jungkook heard the squeak of a kitchen chair and assumed his father had stood, probably to give a hug to his mother.
He did not understand. Maybe it was the immaturity he hadn't grown out of, but he just could not empathize. He wasn't worried about getting his memories back, maybe because he still felt like he was sixteen. He didn't feel like someone who'd lost years of their life and needed to get it back, he felt just like he did the night he went to sleep after taking his English II exam.
One thing he'd definitely noticed was different, though, was his body. He knew for a fact he didn't have as wide of shoulders or as toned of muscles as he apparently did now. He'd noticed when looking in the bathroom mirror in the hospital that his face seemed sharper and more mature than he remembered.
Which was pretty cool because who didn't want to wake up one morning with abs without having done any work?
Jungkook buried his face in his pillow, breathing in a scent of cologne he pointedly recognized was not his own. He must have bought another brand or something he didn't remember. He wondered where he got it, this shit smelled good. It was weirdly comforting, and reminded him of the days when he'd spritz some of his mother's perfume on his pillow before going to sleep. He was always kind of a weird guy...
-
When Jungkook awoke the next morning, he stared at the ceiling for a solid five minutes. His mind was drifting between remembering the dream he had & trying to forget it.
All he could discern was a bright white light, almost like the hospital, and the most crisp, clean white sheets he's ever seen in his life.
He remembered the feeling of opening his eyes and looking over at the bright sunshine spilling out of a window. The rays falling onto the sheets where four legs huddled under, entangled with each other. He remembered squinting his eyes at the brightness before moving his hand to grasp the fingers laying on his waist. His hand wrapped around the other person's, holding it in a loose grip and rubbing his thumb against their palm.
He remembered it being the most at ease he's ever felt in his life.
Jungkook couldn't quite discern whether this was an actual memory he was recalling or just a dream not based in reality, but it he hoped for the former. His parents never told him if he had a boyfriend or girlfriend in the past two years, but he never had one yet, so unless his parents were holding out on some very valuable information, this had to have been a fantasy.
He sat up from the bed slowly, letting the warm blanket pool around his hips. He brought his hands to his face, rubbing over it and breathing out. He could still feel the warmth of another person pressed onto his back, even with the cold air conditioning of the house to cover it.
For some reason, he could hear one name ring out in his head, "Taehyung!"
Jungkook's eyes widened. Even just thinking about the name of this person made him remember saying it. It was only the flash of a memory, a brief recollection of Jungkook throwing something and laughing as he yelled that name. He couldn't see anything else, no matter how much he tried to think back on the memory. It was like waking up from a dream and trying so hard to recall it...but you just can't.
"Jungkook?" His mother knocked on the door before opening it slowly. He looked down to the blankets on his lap, avoiding her gaze. He still felt kind of guilty for how he snapped at her the night before, but couldn't bring himself to apologize. He really needed them to chill out if he was going to feel the least bit comfortable here. "Sweetie," she started, reaching a hand down brush his hair away from his face, "did you sleep well?"
Jungkook nodded, letting her run her fingers through his dark hair. It may have made him feel childish when she did, but let her do it for the sake of her own comfort. He understood how mothers got when they were worried about their kids. Her coddling was probably for her own reassurance that he was okay rather than his own.
"We thought maybe we'd ride around the city, see if that helps you remember anything. Does that sound okay?"
"Yeah, sure."
So Jungkook found himself staring out the backseat window of his parents black Escalade, a forgotten ice cream cone hanging loosely in his fingers. It was melting enough to wet the few napkins he had wrapped around it, but not enough to spill onto the floor just yet. He didn't see the point of going out to drive around the town. He grew up here, he already remembered it. But that didn't matter to his parents, because even just the slightest thing might bring back his memories, they said. He honestly did not see their logic.
"Where are we going now?" He asked, trying hard to keep the whine out of his voice. His father had taken a right turn at the courthouse instead of the necessary left he needed in order to get home. Jungkook really just wanted to go back to bed and maybe dream about that person he'd dreamed about before. He remembered feeling so safe and so at home in their arms. It was kind of strange to have such strong feelings for someone he'd never met, but it did excite him, too. Knowing that there was someone he felt strongly about, that there was someone out there he'd found that he liked and that must have liked him, too.
He really wanted to know more about this person, but he had no idea how he'd find anything to help him remember. His parents told him they bought a new phone since apparently it was destroyed somehow in the "incident" so there was no way he could look through photos to see if the person was there or check through his text messages or something.
Honestly, if his phone had been recovered, he could probably remember things really quick but now he had pretty much nothing other than his mind to go off of.
"Hey," he said quietly, "did I ever date anyone?"
"What do you mean?" His mother said, catching his eyes in the rearview mirror. He gave her a confused look when she quickly avoided his gaze.
"I mean, in the past two years...have a dated someone?"
A silence passed in the car and Jungkook furrowed his eyebrows. It really was not that hard of a question.
"Well...of course you've dated a few people. That's how college is, you know? Someone as cute as you can't go through life without breaking a few hearts." She explained.
"Oh, then who were they?" He asked, wondering if the name Taehyung would come up. He didn't know if the name Taehyung was connected to the dream he had, but he did hope it was, so then he'd be able to put a face to a name...or, well, a body to a name.
"We can talk about that later, don't you want to go to the Christmas Shop?"
Jungkook sighed, "Why won't you tell me?"
"This is not a conversation we need to be having right now, young man." His father said, pulling into the parking lot of the Christmas shop.
"Young man? How fucking old do you think I am?"
His father slammed the gear into park just before the wheels stopped rolling, causing the car to jump. He turned in his seat to face Jungkook, and the boy felt like a child. "If you're going to behave this way every time you're around us, I have no problem dropping you back off at college to fend for yourself."
Jungkook scoffed, "that'd probably be better than the bullshit you guys are doing. You think taking me around here where I've already been a billion times is gonna help me? Obviously it isn't because I haven't remembered shit."
"Jungkook," his mother started, "it's only been a few days since you've woken up. These things take time, we're just trying things one at a time to see if it could help."
He felt his anger dissipate at her words. She was right, they were only trying to help him. His parents were just as in the dark as he was. No matter what the doctor told them, it didn't really help. The triggers to repressed memories were different for every case, there was nothing he could specifically tell them to do to help Jungkook. That must have been hard on them, to feel so helpless and to not know if your son would ever get the memories back.
"Fine." He breathed out, opening the car door and stepping out into the warm May air. He squinted up to the building in front of him, trying not to get blinded by the sun. Even though everyone called the shop the "Christmas Store" it was really just a two story antique store that had different rooms for every holiday. It was pretty cool, Jungkook even remembers buying a big-ass heart made of funyuns for himself on valentine's day in there.
Sometimes he'd just go in the store to see what they had and not buy anything. Usually they'd get new stuff pretty much every week and it was always so weird, he was pretty sure you could buy a life-sized G-dragon cutout made of chocolate. Maybe he'd been tempted to buy it a few times but he wasn't quite that far gone in the black hole that was Big Bang.
He pulled the front door of the shop open, peering inside. A lot had changed since he'd last been there, the walls lined with small snowglobes rather than the old postcards he was used to and he could see tiny strings of golden tinsel hanging from the cracks in the ceiling. The store had always been a bit run down, it was one of the oldest buildings in downtown Busan and filling it up with so much shit until it looked like a hoarder's house made it hard to clean. The outside of the store had white paint chipping off of the wood and the very foundation looked like it was going to break at any moment and the inside really did not look any better.
It was very homely, though, and Jungkook had spent a large amount of his childhood here, so going inside was like going to your grandmother's house.
He stepped over the mat in front of the door and looked around inside as the chimes blew in the wind outside. The old lady who worked at the register wasn't there, but Jungkook assumed she was out setting more things up on the shelves as she did every day. There was a strong scent of cinnamon coming from a lit candle next to the register and he smiled. Cinnamon was always his favorite scent, he really needed to buy one of those.
He began to walk up the stairs to the second level while his parents walked around the first. He assumed they would follow him since in their mind he was literally five fucking years old, but was pleasantly surprised. Maybe they listened to his little outburst in the car and decided to back off a bit.
The stairs creaked with every step he took and eventually he was up to the top. There was a small hallway that led to a few different rooms. Jungkook picked the one closest to him, it should be the Christmas room.
When he opened the door, he was surprised at the redecoration. The entire room was painted red with white cotton balls and pom poms stuck to parts of the walls and ceiling. The walls were lined with nutcrackers of all different types, some holding walking sticks or red sacks of presents. There were multiple Christmas trees with tinsel and popcorn hanging from them and from the ceiling in almost every corner of the room was mistletoe, wrapped with red ribbons and strung up by nails. Jungkook never remembered the huge bed in the corner of the room, though, or the large Santa and Mrs. Clause mannequins sitting on it. There was just enough space for a third person to fit beside Santa and he had the brief idea to actually do so when he cocked his head to the side, staring at the bed.
He remembered being here before, now. He remembered laughing and jumping on the bed and wrapping his arm around Santa's stomach, lifting his leg into a seductive pose as someone took a picture of him. A deep voice laughed and told him how great of a shot it was.
"Ah, why doesn't Daegu have any stores like this?" The voice asked, pouting.
"Because everyone knows Daegu sucks ass." Jungkook could see himself looking up at another boy, then up above the boy's head to the mistletoe. "Guess what~" He sang, raising his finger to point at the ceiling. Jungkook heard himself laugh mischievously and then the memory was gone.
He sat on the edge of the bed, putting his face in his hands, and closed his eyes. He tried to remember, he really did, but nothing else was coming. After a few minutes, he rubbed his face with his hands and stood up. That was really all his brain had to offer? Two seconds of a memory that gives him absolutely nothing?
That wasn't true, it gave him a good view of some random guy who took a picture of him.
The guy was cute, Jungkook had to admit. He pretty much had a perfect face, probably one of those that's perfectly symmetrical on both sides. His straight brown hair was long enough to almost cover up his big eyes and Jungkook could almost feel it between his fingers. The boy had a cute smile that showed both his top and bottom teeth, resulting in it looking like a square. His eyes pulled up into crescents when he smiled and Jungkook wanted to know who he was.
The young boy looked around the room more, wondering if any more memories would suddenly pop up in his head, but nothing happened. He moved to the other rooms on the top floor, too, but for some reason his brain was failing him. It was so frustrating, he felt like he was right on the edge of having something come back, but could never quite get there.
At first, Jungkook had naively thought he would perfectly fine if he never got his memory back, that he could just continue on life like he was still sixteen and create new memories for himself. But now that he'd had a taste, he wanted them all back. He wanted to know what he was missing out on when he woke up in the hospital. Who was this boy he just had a memory of? Was it the same one from his dream? Was he the one whose name he remembered that morning?
Of what significance was he to Jungkook?
-
That night, he sat at the dinner table again, waiting for his mother to finish making their dish of Japchaebop. Everyone was silent, his father tapping a pen against the table as he finished some documents for work the only sound in the room. Jungkook had his phone sat on the table in front of him, locked, as he rested his cheek on his palm. There was a tense air surrounding the three of them and he was slowly getting more on edge as the seconds ticked by.
He asked his parents who the boy he remembered was, and though initially they were happy he remembered something, were unwilling to tell him who the boy was. It was obvious they were holding out on him, they were never good liars. His mother had a habit of avoiding eye contact and picking at her nails while his father always pulled his lips into his mouth and bit them, looking straight into Jungkook's eyes.
But why? Why wouldn't anyone tell him anything? The doctor and nurses wouldn't tell him what happened to land him in the hospital and now his parents wouldn't tell him anything about this boy that he had a memory of? Isn't that the opposite of progress?
Maybe this boy had been dating him and broke his heart? Maybe that's why his parents were acting this way. But still, not telling him about part of his life would halt progress and they were supposed to be trying "anything" to get him to remember.
Jungkook is taken out of his thoughts by the sound of someone knocking on the door. His father stands up and walks down the hallway to the front door, the hinges squeaking as it opens. Jungkook picks up his phone and unlocks it before turning his head towards the hallway. His father was telling the person at the door to leave.
He heard hushed whispers between the two and stood up, making his way down to hallway and to the front door.
"This is really not a good time." His father said sternly. The person at the door stuttered out an apology in a deep voice that has Jungkook gently grabbing his father's shoulder. The old man jumped slightly in surprise before looking back at Jungkook, then to the man at the door.
The boy blatantly stared at Jungkook, his mouth open, mesmerized, before he closes it to swallow. "Jungkook?" He asked, voice comically high pitched.
The boy standing before him is the one from his memory, he just wished he knew more than you're the guy who took a picture of me next to Santa Clause but there's really nothing he could do about that.
His father sighed and stepped aside. "You're not staying long." He snaps at the boy before walking back down the hallway into the kitchen. The boy watched as he left, then looked down at the ground.
"Jungkook...I can't believe-I-I'm so happy you're okay." He says quietly.
The younger boy bites his lip, wondering what to say. It was obvious there was something going on here, but he had no idea what. Was this guy dangerous? What did he do to make Jungkook's dad hate him? He felt a bit timid, like maybe he shouldn't respond, but if he was supposed to get his memories back, he needed to talk to this kid and figure out what exactly was going on.
"What's your name..?" He questioned awkwardly.
"Uh-um, I'm Taehyung." He answered, running his tongue over his lips and biting them. Jungkook couldn't help but follow the action, hoping it wasn't too noticeable. He felt like he could feel the other boy's lips on his own, but was that real or just his hormones acting up?
"Taehyung..." He let the name roll off his tongue, so this was the guy he remembered. It may have been very brief memories, but they were the only ones he'd gotten back so far, so didn't that mean something? "Taehyung, I'm sorry if I know you. I dunno if anyone has let you in on this, but I kind of have amnesia."
A look of raw emotion passed Taehyung's face, but was gone before Jungkook could tell whether it was guilt or relief.
The boy looked up into Jungkook's eyes, "We...were friends. Good friends." He said, nodding to himself. Jungkook smiled.
"I figured. I kind of remember taking you to the Christmas Shop, right?"
Taehyung nodded, a blush crossing his face. "You...remember it all?"
Jungkook sighed, rolling onto the heels of his feet and holding his hands behind his back. "I just remember you taking a picture of me with Santa. I think I pointed to something on the ceiling after that but I can't remember."
Taehyung smiled, taking a step forward. "Then let me remind-"
"Jungkook! Dinner is ready." His mother called, and Jungkook looked at the other boy apologetically.
"I got a new phone, 'cause apparently the other one is crushed." Taehyung paled. "If you want, you can put your number in it. Maybe being around someone I don't remember will help instead of sitting here where I know everyone."
The other boy smiled, but it wasn't a big square smile like Jungkook saw before which made him a little upset. He had a strong urge to make his own memory of the boy smiling like that instead of relying on ones he didn't even know for sure were real.
The other boy tapped his contact into Jungkook's phone. "I came here from Seoul, you know the university you're enrolled in? It's kind of a long ride, you know. So...you should visit when you're not busy. There are a lot of people you...probably forgot."
Jungkook nodded, saying goodbye to the boy and turning back around. That kid came all the way from Seoul? That's a long ass train ride. It's too bad they only had two minutes of conversation and now he had to ride all the way back to Seoul. Jungkook had half a mind to let him stay the night over but did he really know this boy? Even his parents disliked him. What did he do?
That night, Jungkook was hot. He twisted and turned in his sheets, eyes scrunched closed and mouth slightly open, let out pants of breath. He could feel someone, Taehyung, moving their mouth on his neck. The boy's perfect pouty lips pulling up into a sultry smile before leaning back down, lips travelling down to his collarbone. The boy was hovering over him on all fours, his body moving down the bed as he dragged his tongue down Jungkook's chest. The boy arched his back up when Taehyung pulled off his boxers, desperate for friction. Taehyung looked up at him with those big eyes before leaning down and- Oh.
Jungkook opened his eyes, blinking a few times to get them back in focus. He really had no idea if this was a dream or a memory this time. Though he very much hoped it was real, it looked real, it felt real, but then again Jungkook had never been intimate with someone...until now?
Was Taehyung a lover? Did his parents not like him because he was a boy? He never pegged them as the type to get upset over something like that, but maybe he was wrong. Maybe something had gone down that he didn't know about because he lost his memory but for some reason his parents wouldn't tell him what it was even though it was his goddamn life not theirs.
Obviously if he wanted to get anything done around here, he needed to do it himself.
So he made plans to meet again with Taehyung. He was going to leave at twelve PM, telling his parents he just wanted some lunch and to walk around, but he'd really go to the train station and buy his ticket to Seoul. When he arrived at the college, Taehyung would meet him outside and they'd walk around for a bit then go back to the older boy's dorm and see if anything came to him.
He was so excited, maybe it was bad to want to disobey your parents, but it definitely put a spark in you. Jungkook could barely contain a smirk as he took the money his mother gave him for "food" and shoved it in his jeans pocket. He breathed in the smell of the blooming summer flowers and waved it goodbye. He'd never been to Seoul before that he remembered, and if it was as great as they showed on TV, he would have an amazing time. Even if he didn't have enough time to go roam around brightly lit streets, going in all the stores and trying the street food, he'd still be amazed. This is where all the celebrities went, too, and what if he saw one? What if he saw someone from Big Bang, oh God...
He patted himself on the back, happy he chose Seoul as his college destination. There isn't a better place he would have thought to go.
Jungkook paid the lady at the train station for his ticket and patiently waited for the train to arrive. There were quite a few people waiting with him, sitting on benches or leaning on walls. Of course with a destination such as the capital, there are bound to be tons of people wanting to go. It was just unfortunate the ride was so long.
There was a couple sitting on a bench in front of him and Jungkook finds it hard to look away from them. The boy was playing with the girl's fingers, alternating from rubbing his thumb in circles along the back of her palm to slapping his hand against hers. She looked disinterested, playing on her phone and pretending to ignore him, but Jungkook can see the little smile playing at her lips.
He's reminded of a time when he and Taehyung were sitting on a couch of some sort, the only light in the room coming from a TV. They're both under a large woolen blanket, a bowl of popcorn between them and shoveling the kernels down their gullets. Taehyung's hand reached down to grab at Jungkook's thigh in fear when the movie they were watching got too suspenseful. The older boy closed his eyes and shoved his face into Jungkook's shoulder.
Jungkook breathed out a laugh and wrapped his hand around Taehyung's, entwining their fingers together and squeezing when the jumpscare finally appeared. They both laughed at each other fear, and Jungkook quickly lifted up Taehyung's hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it before letting it fall to his lap. His heart swelled as he looked to the older boy, a smile reaching his lips. He felt a heat flow to his face, and Jungkook could hear himself thinking: I'm so in love. The younger boy looked away, and to the blanket resting on their laps.
He smiled at the new memory, every time he remembered more, it made him even more confused as to why his parents didn't like him. Taehyung seemed like a nice person, and if these memories were anything to go by, it seemed like Jungkook quite fancied him himself.
A few hours later when he found his way to Seoul and to his college campus, he was surprised with how big it was. There weren't any buildings, let alone schools this big in Busan, his own high school was about a fourth the size of this... He wondered what it must have been like to come here the first time, knowing he was going to start school here without his family to help. He wondered if he had any friends from highschool that came with him.
All of the people he knew from school were cool people to hang out with, just not people he'd be friends with throughout his entire life.
"Jungkook?" Taehyung's voice called from behind him.
The younger boy turned around and smiled, "Taehyung, do you mind if we go back to your dorm first?"
The other boy smiled, "yeah, why?"
"I just think we might have better luck there."
He didn't mention how the only memories he seemed to be getting back were about Taehyung, would that be creepy? He still didn't know a lot about this boy, just that whenever their eyes met, he felt his heart constrict. Whatever he felt for Taehyung before the "incident" he was feeling now, too. And it was such a strange feeling to have these butterflies for someone you hardly knew. Even though these small clumps of memories were coming back he still didn't know Taehyung's birthday or favorite color. Maybe those would come back to him sometime, or maybe he'd just relearn them. Neither way bothered him, though remembering them on his own might save some embarrassment.
"I hope you remember something..." Taehyung said quietly as he opened the door to his dorm. He bit his lip, grabbing some trash off the floor and throwing it away before muttering something about how dirty Jimin was.
"Jimin? Is that your roommate?"
Taehyung looked back at him and nodded. "You don't remember him?"
Jungkook hesitated, searching his mind, but still coming up blank. "He's our friend." Taehyung explained. "You've known him for a long time, you guys went to high school together?"
"Yeah...yeah I don't remember that."
Jesus, he thought he knew everyone he went to highschool with but apparently not. He had absolutely no idea who Taehyung was talking about.
Jungkook cleared his throat, "I have a question." He said, changing the subject.
"Yeah?" Taehyung moved to stand in front of Jungkook, leaned against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. The posture made him looked closed off and Jungkook wondered if it was intentional.
"Were we dating?"
Taehyung's eyes widened and he avoided the other boy's eyes, his arms involuntarily tightening around each other. "...Yeah." He said after a long pause. "We have been dating."
Jungkook took a few steps forward until he was standing in front of the older boy. He was a smidgen taller, which made him feel better, more in control. Taehyung looked at him through his fringe and wet his lips, the younger watching the movement. "Why didn't you tell me?" He reached down, grabbing Taehyung's chin gently and leaning down to press their lips together.
He felt like he had been starving for this boy's touch for years as soon as they kissed, and even though he didn't remember kissing anyone ever before, he still felt like Taehyung's lips were home. Jungkook pressed himself closer to the older boy, moving his hand from Taehyung's chin over to the back of his neck where he could feel the boy's soft hair tickling his fingertips.
It felt like he'd known Taehyung for ages when they kissed, like there were no lost memories. At this moment, he felt like he found everything he had been looking for these past few days. He felt like he had found home right in Taehyung's arms. Even though there were still large chunks of things still forgotten...his heart was elated. So many emotions brought to surface by merely pressing his lips against the other boy's, communicating so much in the soft kiss.
In the pit of his stomach he could feel a love brewing like he'd never felt before.
And as they moved their lips together, Jungkook could remember a similar situation, one where he was pressing against the older boy, both of them laughing between kisses. They were a bit tipsy, having come back from a frat party, but still managed to make it back to Jungkook's dorm. He remembered smiling down at Taehyung mischievously before grabbing at his sides, watching the older boy squirm and laugh. Their brief, alcohol induced lust halted as Taehyung attempted to chase Jungkook around the room, mostly stumbling and knocking into furniture that would give him angry bruises the next morning.
He remembers feeling dread in the pit of his stomach when he woke up the next morning because he was worried they slept together only to pull back the sheets and realize they were both clothed. He remembers walking into the kitchen and making them breakfast, thinking back on the previous night and secretly being happy because of all the stolen kisses with that cute guy he had been crushing on for a while.
Jungkook remembers the weight on his heart every time he saw Taehyung before the boy was his. The hope, and the desperation that the older boy would see him as more than a friend one day, and the insecurity that it would never happen because he wasn't good enough.
But he was.
Taehyung tilted his head to the side, allowing their lips to slot together with easier access. Jungkook smiled into the kiss, remembering so much, before the older boy pulled away, leaning his forehead on Jungkook's. He swallowed the lump in his throat and pulled the younger boy's arm off his neck. "I can't." He said simply, looking down at the ground.
Jungkook cocked his head at the boy in confusion, waiting for the elaboration.
"I just...you're mentally sixteen, right? That's wrong. I can't."
Jungkook gave a small laugh and ran his hand along Taehyung's face, cupping his cheek and reveling in the way the boy leaned into his touch. "Tae," He said quietly, "why does it matter? I still remember falling in love with you."
Taehyung met his eyes, and Jungkook could see tears pooling in them. "Jungkookie...Jungkookie..." He said, looking down. "You don't remember anything, do you?" His face scrunched up in guilt and sadness, and his fists clenched.
Jungkook shook his head slowly.
"Jungkook...I'm so sorry." Taehyung let a tear fall, hitting Jungkook's palm. "It was my fault Jungkook, I didn't mean for anything to happen but-"
"No," Jungkook interrupted, pulling his hand away from the other boy. "Don't say it."
Taehyung looked at him, features filled with guilt and confusion. "Don't you want to know..?"
"No, I don't. I don't want to know what happened. You know they said I probably would never remember anyway, right? And everyone keeps acting like-like whatever happened is so so bad that I'll never want to see broad daylight again." Taehyung frowned and swallowed again.
"I just," Jungkook continued, "I just want to figure out myself right now. I want to remember as much as I can and go from there, you know? And I want to focus on us, too. I can't remember much but I know, I know that I felt something for you I've never felt before. And I want to keep working on it."
Taehyung nodded, laughing a bit in embarrassment and wiping away his tears with the sleeve of his pullover. It did nothing to hide his red cheeks and eyes, though, the brown pigment of his eyes standing out much deeper now
Jungkook smiled and pulled Taehyung into a hug by his shoulders. He swayed them a bit, humming. It was so relieving to know that Taehyung would let him come back. Though he had a feeling his parents would be upset. But maybe he just wouldn't tell them.
"So," he said after a few minutes, "what's your favorite color again?"