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Noah hates this. Noah really, really fucking hates this. Not acting - because acting is his life. He has been acting since he was five years old, learning how to put on a show and distort his emotions long before that. In fact, that's the easy part. He’s always been good at creating an emotional scene out of nothing.
Or, maybe more accurately, tapping into his own personal mental hellscapes to adequately express a character's emotions. It helps him create his character around himself and form a personal attachment to all his projects.
That’s why he loves working on the show “Stranger Things” more than he loves himself. Noah knows the entirety of the cast more than he knows his own cousins, and when it comes to the core cast members, his bond with them is even deeper than with his immediate family.
He remembers being freshly eleven years old and walking onto the set absolutely scared out of his mind. Not only was he the youngest member of the cast by a large margin, but this was his first real role.
He remembers how jittery he was to meet the two cast mates he would be spending most of the time filming with for his first season - the Winona Ryder and thirteen-year-old Finn Wolfhard. Immediately, he was welcomed into the cast by them and brought into the acting world.
Quickly, he became more than friends with the entire cast, but family. People he could depend on. Not only were Millie and Finn his best friends both on and off screen, but Winona and the rest of the adult cast became a mentor or a family-like figure to him.
So yeah, he thinks, the show isn’t the problem. He surprisingly doesn’t hate the sets that he can draw by memory at this point, due to the long and repetitive hours spent on set, and he definitely doesn’t hate the cast.
But he does hate the Duffer brothers. And he hates this scene. He thinks that the Duffers are liars, and just because they claim that they took inspiration and direction from ‘real queer experiences’ does not make it true.
He knows this is a lie because, as a nineteen-year-old who came out almost exactly a year ago, he would never, and he means never, come out to a room of fifteen people that ranged from people he has literally never met to his middle school teacher and a man who called his sibling homophobic slurs in the past.
That's something Noah himself would never do in the year 2024, where being gay is much more accepted than it was in the eighties.
Noah remembers how nervous he had been to come out to the public and the backlash he received. He can word-for-word recite many of the hateful tweets that had flooded his feed due to the way they're burned into his memory for life.
The public’s reaction had been horrific, but the people he personally knew somehow reacted worse. Many of his distant family members and friends from school had texted or called him as soon as he went public with the information, making everything one hundred times worse.
He will never forget how he felt receiving all the horrible direct messages and how much worse it got. It’s not a secret to any of the cast because he knows they all heard him breaking down into a heap and puking into Millie's trailer's toilet while she comforted him and rubbed circles into his back, muttering reassuring words that it didn’t matter what his unsupportive family and friends thought because the cast all supported him, and she was his best friend.
Which is why when he received the script for episode seven and read through the coming-out scene that the Duffers told him would be ‘concluding his character arc,’ he’d been shocked that this was the scene he was meant to portray.
Now, days later, when he is filming this scene with the rest of the cast, his feelings about the scene haven’t changed for anything better. They have been filming this scene for thirteen hours straight now, with the exception of the half an hour lunch they received eight hours ago and multiple breaks where the Duffers had to pause to express what Noah wasn’t doing correctly or properly conveying in every take.
Filming was meant to end almost an hour ago, but the Duffers have been continuously insisting that they haven’t gotten the perfect take that’s phenomenal and award-winning. Every single time they cut, there’s something wrong with how Noah is acting, and he almost wants to quit.
He knows this scene is important. With how large the show has gotten, this scene has the opportunity to impact so many queer children around the world; he has the opportunity to impact these children around the world.
So he listens and continues. He fixes how he scrunched his eyebrows wrong, or how he keeps accidentally squeezing his leg out of nerves or how his eyes keep drifting away from the group and instead focusing down to the ground and onto his own two feet.
Now, he sits on the stupid yellow and blue couch as a crew member takes the water cup that he had just spilt all over the ground out of his hands, and the rest of the cast begins to rearrange into their spots. He just wants the filming to end.
He wants to be done with this awful coming-out scene, and he wants to go hide in Caleb’s trailer with the rest of the cast and shove his head into the pillows while he cries so they can’t hear him cry when they are playing cards or whatever activity they choose.
“Okay, positions!” a crew member shouts from behind. The entire room quiets instantly, so the only sound in the room is the buzz of the bright, scorching lights beating onto Noah’s face and the shaky breathing he is fighting so desperately to control. He glances over towards Millie, who gives him a soft smile before glancing down to prepare for the start of the take.
He inhales slowly and fixes his posture from terrible to just bad. It’s fine, he thinks, because he’s done this scene hundreds of times today, and he knows he will be reciting these lines on repeat in his head like a broken record for the rest of his life.
“Rolling!” one of the Duffers shouts. Instantly, Noah taps into how Will should be feeling - how he is feeling right now. He doesn’t need the whole actor method where you think of horrible things like puppies in pain to start crying because he hasn’t even stopped sniffling since the last take, and the tears are still wet on his face.
Even using his brain for a second instead of zoning out makes his eyes well up with tears again. He can’t do this, he thinks, but he doesn’t really have a choice.
“I- I haven’t told any of you this,” he shakily starts again. Normally, some part of him shoots out; he needs to act normal. Actually act like Will and not the pathetic teen he is, who, for some reason, can’t film a simple emotional scene to save his life.
“... Because I don’t want you to treat me any differently,” he continues, only for a loud erupting smack to be heard off set. Instinctively, he reactivity flinches and glances over towards the noise.
“God Dammit, Cut! Cut, I said! The line is ‘see me differently,’ not ‘treat me differently!’” Ross Duffer angrily exclaims from the side. Matt rests his head in his hands with a frustrated groan, and the rest of the cast begins to mutter with a sigh.
Noah knows they don’t mean any harm to him, and they’ve quite literally been filming from before the sun rose to now, dark, but he can’t help himself from folding in on himself in embarrassment.
Matt waves his hands in an exasperated manner above his head and calls out, “Noah, a moment over here.” He tries to stand up quickly, but his legs feel like jello, and he can’t even manage to move one foot properly, let alone stand normally. Still, he hurriedly shoves himself from where he swayed on the set and toward the brothers that stood just off behind the camera, completely barring himself to their words.
“What the hell was that?” Matt Duffer questions him. Questions his ability to act, to do his job, to express the pain of a traumatic queer experience. Noah flatters immediately and somehow ducks his head down even further to the ground than it was before.
“I…I’m sorry,” is all Noah can seem to make himself say, unaware of how to communicate to the brothers how deeply important this scene is.
He knows he isn’t acting to his best standards, but he cares so heavily about not only the show but Will Byers as a character and this scene. In fact, he cares so, so exceedingly much, which is why this scene is incredibly hard for him and why he’s acting extraordinarily stupid.
“You need to focus, Noah. This scene isn’t for you, okay? I know you're very emotional right now, but it’s not the time. You need to focus and act.”
Ice fills his veins, another tear rolling down his face now. He almost wants to scoff at their words, telling him not to be emotional during the scene about the sixteen-year-old character he has been playing for ten years now, being forced by his abuser to come out.
The script begins with the words ‘emotional scene begins,’ and yet he isn’t allowed to have strong emotions when reenacting this scene as a gay man himself?
Yet, none of these thoughts gets farther than the back corner of Noah’s mind because he’s tired and crying.
Despite the silent tears flowing down his face, his eyes still blink slower than normal as he fights the urge to run off the set and sleep in the street. All Noah is thinking about is how awful this is - how awful the scene is turning out, how awful he feels, how awful he is.
Still, he shakily nods, sniffling again and mumbling, “I’m trying my best.”
Both the Duffers furrow their brows in some kind of mutual agreement against Noah as the crew resets for another take.
“Well, your best isn’t enough. So, put in some work and get this scene done. Go,” Ross spits, somehow still spewing rage at Noah’s small frame before the duo walks back to their director's chair in the centre of the room.
Noah is frozen, standing in the corner of the room as sharp, heavy gasps from him are drowned out by the sound of equipment prepping and the hushed mutter from the rest of the cast as they patiently wait for the scene to start.
He’s not even focusing on Will’s feelings anymore, Noah realises. This is raw and real and all about how he feels at this moment. He should have said no to a coming-out scene, he thinks.
That this was a stupid, awful, and horrible thing for him to be tasked with because, clearly, he isn’t a good enough actor to isolate himself from Will. Desperately, he wipes his sleeves over his face, snot sliding from his nose to his hoodie in a swipe, as well as Noah’s tears that seem unfeasible to stop.
“Noah, let’s go!” someone shouts on the crew that he doesn’t even recognise. He tries to regain his composure, but he can’t even seem to manage to get the snot fully off his face.
He stumbles around the camera and scurries like a scared mouse back to his ugly sofa that has indents in it from how long Noah has been sitting in it.
Only when he lowers himself down and sits does he realise that it feels like his head is quite literally spinning. His stomach clenches harshly, and he can’t even see clearly due to tears fogging his vision.
At his revelation, it becomes clearer to Noah that something is wrong. This is all bad bad bad and he can’t seem to stop shaking, let alone catch his breath.
He tries to take a self-grounding inhale, but it seems it only makes the situation worse when exhaling makes his throat tighten. He can’t do this, he thinks. He debates telling the Duffers that he’s done and he’s tired and he’s hurt, but before he can even work up the courage, he is cut off by the rise of Matt’s megaphone and the flash of lights.
“Action!” Matt shouts as Noah hears the click of cameras starting to echo across the dead, silent room.
Still, he can’t stop shaking. Not just ‘shaky hands’ but full-body tremors erupting from his figure. In an attempt to ground himself, Noah grips his hands together and yanks his sleeves over them to try and conceal his emotional turmoil.
He raises his head as he begins to speak, only now remembering that everyone in the entire cast is sitting in front of him, watching not only the scene unfold, but him as well. Noah goes to speak, but the only thing that comes out of his mouth is a shaky, horrified breath.
Panicked, he goes again with a sharp inhale, “I…,” he tries before realising he can’t seem to speak or, for that matter, breathe. He knows the script says ‘acting upset’, but surely the Duffers didn’t mean for Will to be having a panic attack. Then, it dawns on Noah. Oh, he thinks, that’s what’s happening here, he’s having a panic attack.
He glances off set towards the Duffers in a silent plea that they or anyone else has taken note of his frazzled condition and will end the scene, but all he gets in return is a shrug. His head is pounding, Noah thinks, but he needs to finish. ‘Breathe’ echoes like a sledgehammer through his head. Don’t be stupid. Do this for Will.
’“I- I haven’t told a- any of you this,” he begins again, almost flinching at himself for the way he stutters through his first line of this long, agonising scene. He glances up at Winona for a hope of reassurance to push him through this, but the pity on her face somehow makes it worse and he squeezes his hands together.
“Because…” he goes again. It turns out looking towards his cast to ground him is somehow the stupidest decision he can make during his almost-maybe-probably panic attack that’s being filmed for millions to see, because even with that in the back of his mind, all fifteen of their faces watching him sends a shiver down his spine.
Noah gasps, “Because I… I don’t want you to s- s- see me like me any different,” a sob escapes from his throat as he stutters like a blabbering idiot. He’s overwhelmed, and he doesn’t understand how the cast can’t tell because his losing the ability to speak isn’t part of the script at all. He goes to grasp his hands again to find they’ve gone numb along with his cheek and the rest of his body.
“But the truth is…” he begins, his body shuddering. His emotions cloud his senses as Noah's eyes focus on the wall for a mere second rather than his surroundings. He realises that he can’t be here - not doing this scene, not on set, not in this group setting.
Noah gives up focusing on the scene. He knows it well enough that his body begins to act on autopilot while Noah gets trapped in his head.
“The truth is - is that I am - I am different.” He locks eyes with Charlie, who doesn’t exactly smile or even twitch at Noah, but his presence and gaze push Noah forward in his daze.
He isn’t Noah right now; he needs to be Will. And suddenly, he begins to blabber through the dialogue. In reality, he knows that this dialogue is meant to be slow and paint a story for the reader.
He knows that he’s meant to be expressive and calm right now because the Duffers haven’t missed the opportunity to fixate on even the way Will shakes during a scene.
However, his mouth is moving faster than he can keep up with as he recites the script about what he- what Will Byers enjoys. The Duffers haven’t stopped him, so he must not be fucking this up as tragically as he thought, he thinks.
Then, while still in his trance of ‘recite dialogue’ and get this the fuck over with’ he lets out a choked laugh, because of course he’s panicking so bad he can’t even think straight, but he can think about how badly of a job he might be doing.
His self-doubt rushes back full force, and the laugh expeditiously turns into a strangled sob at his own expense as the speed of his voice somehow quickens.
Right, Noah's thoughts continue, it’s just acting. He feels snot begin to run down his nose again, and he doesn’t even have the thought to wipe it off his face, letting it mix with the new rush of tears.
“I just…I just…I- I just…” Noah stampers. It’s worse now; his subconscious thinks for him. His breathing is moving at the speed his brain should, but consequently, his brain isn’t moving at all. Fog fills his head and brain, and he’s suddenly too unaware to realise he is dissociating, the world around him closing in.
“I- I….” Shambles erupt across Noah’s body. His head falls downward just as quickly as he brings it back up as he intensely squeezes his eyes closed, praying that this will end. The line won’t come out of his mouth; It’s like all senses suddenly stopped working except whatever in his body lets him feel real horror and fear for the utmost time that day.
“I don’t like girls,” his breath gives out. The silence that erupts in the room suddenly feels real, and Noah has never been more raw and exposed in his life.
He forgets that he’s meant to be acting right now because the stares from his castmates are hitting him just as hard as they did when he actually came out, and this time, he thinks he's crying more than before.
Last time he came out, Finn gripped his hand and told him it was okay and that nothing would change because he understood, while Noah blew boogers into his hoodie.
Millie hugged him tighter than she ever had before and told him how proud of him she was while they both erupted in giggles. This, he thinks, is so much worse. No one can hold his hand or stop his leg from shaking, and he feels so, so alone.
His stupid fingers latch onto each other again like an instinct, and something in him realises that he needs to talk, to backtrack, or to even attempt to speak whatever the hell he is meant to say because the silence is wrapping him up and suffocating him and causing short, wet breaths to spit from him once again
He leans backwards, retreating, “I mean, I do. Just…Ju- Just not like you guys do.” He almost wants to smash his face in as he continues with his lines, because isn’t that the truth? He doesn’t like girls like the rest of the male castmates do. He isn’t anything like them.
He’s so incredibly out of his depth at the moment that every bit of self-hatred is reflecting in his speech like a mirror.
Noah knows he’s different. He knows he's awkward and that he is off-putting and hard to be around. He knows that he stands out, and his acting leaves an impression on others in a way that makes people notice him. But this doesn’t feel like acting.
This is even more horrifying in a way that causes Noah to grip his hands and wrists so harshly that his nails begin to draw blood from the deep scratches.
This is something different because this is Noah. Not Will Byers or another character he acts - these are his raw emotions displayed to the public, and now that he’s started, he can’t seem to make it stop.
Focusing on the words coming out of his mouth once again, “...And it just makes me feel like something’s wrong with me.” He’s doing some foreign action now that’s inferior to crying from how violent and ugly it is. Cold liquid is uncontrollably pouring from his eyes and leaving a puddle where he sits but he can’t seem to care.
His voice is trembling so badly now, and his face is so swollen he can’t see anything except for the blank stares across from him. He continues, pushing past the disappointment he feels inside himself.
“So I push you away. And for the rest of us, we just- we just drift apart more and more and more and more and more u - until I’m alone.” Which is true, he thinks, he’s living out his worst fears right now as he breaks down in front of his closest friends. Truly, at this moment, he doesn’t think he has ever been more alone. He sounds so small and weak - reflecting how helpless he feels.
“And I know none of that has happened, and Vecna can’t see into the future. But he can see into our minds, and he knows things. And it just felt so real.” His energy depletes. He’s practically spitting on the floor now, making a pile with the rest of the snot and tears on his battered shoes. His head falls forward, and this time, he lets it hang as he hides his face in shame. It’s worse because it is real.
The way he feels right now will never, ever leave him. He’s stuck in this god forsaken loop of self-torture and self-doubt that he can’t escape. His experiences are real. The hate, the homophobia, the abuse and lost friendships plague his mind for the rest of his life. He isn’t normal, and he doesn’t understand why
A sob wracks Noah’s body again as he inhales sharply, losing the ability to exhale at all and instead squeezing his eyes shut so he can hopefully begin to dissociate again and no longer be stuck in his hyper-aware state where he can feel every eye and glare on him while every self-destructive thought clogs his mind.
‘It felt so real,” he helplessly repeats, now off script and in full hysterics. This isn’t how the scene is meant to go, he dully notes as panic floods his system for the hundredth time. His hand flies to his chest as he keeps gasping and praying for air or the ability to regulate his emotions.
He looks over to Winona in terror. He isn’t even close to acting anymore, and he can’t fucking breathe, and everything is wrong wrong wrong wrong fuck its all wrong. As they lock eyes, some form of understanding crosses over her face
She reaches out and pulls his hands away from each other while tightly gripping him and speaking some kind of whisper, which Noah knows isn’t in the stupid script because he didn’t receive any form of comfort from Winona in the other seventy million takes of this - something he would have greatly appreciated.
Noah goes to speak his next line, but he fumbles so horrifically that all he can produce is the garbled, horrible, and pathetic noise that reflects exactly how Noah feels. Snot is dripping into his mouth now, and he doesn’t notice, too overwhelmed with the sharp pushing shakes his body is convulsing in and the hazy dots covering his vision.
Somehow, he can recognise Charlie standing up towards him for their on-screen hug - meaning that it is his cue to stand up and end this nightmare-inducing scene. Noah stands as quickly as possible and finds himself unable to lift his legs in his state of confusion. Instead, he throws himself forward and lets himself lean on Charlie so hard that the pair stumble backwards and begin to sway.
Luckily, Charlie holds the duo up while Noah is only standing on his support, grasping onto Charlie as his lifeline, so he doesn’t get ill. Unfortunately, his scenario only seems to escalate as pains erupt within Noah’s body and dots fill his vision. He should probably try breathing, he thinks; he needs to breathe.
Still, he can’t stop the ear-wrenching sobs of havoc that spill from his throat appallingly. He feels the rest of the cast begin to fill their roles of hugging him, but can barely process how to think.
A loud, piercing sound erupts in the air, and Noah flinches so hard and bangs his head into Charlie’s shoulder. “Cut! Perfect! Perfect, that's the award-winning take!” Ross declares ecstatically as the cameras finally cut.
Sighs of relief fill the room and clapping from off set as well, but Noah hears none of it. In fact, Noah hears nothing. As the rest of the cast begin to back up and Charlie releases from Noah’s desperate grip, Noah stumbles backwards, panicky.
“I- I can’t-” is all Noah can get out before he’s plummeting backwards, eyes flicking closed for only a few seconds. Finn reacts first, arms instinctively underhooking both of Noah’s as he slowly lowers the two of them to the ground.
“Oh fuck, Noah!” Millie shouts, frozen in place. The rest of the cast backs away as well, trying to create space from the boy in a heap on the ground. Gasps fill the room, but everyone remains rooted in place, unaware of how the scene had taken this turn.
“Shit, getting water,” Millie quickly rushes past the crew, smashing shoulders harshly with Matt.
“Noah,” Finn whispers, pulling Noah up with him to a sitting position as he continues to sob in a terrifying manner.
“Do we need to get someone?” Ross questions, beginning to walk onto the set. Finn’s eyes dart up toward the man and darken before he begins to manoeuvre him and the disoriented Noah.
“What you need to do,” Finn starts, hooking one arm back under Noah’s and the other under his legs, “is fuck off.”
Finn stands quickly as Noah grips on to Finn harshly and shoves his head into Finn’s shoulder instinctively. He pushes himself around Ross and Matt and exits the filming area out a side door intended for emergencies. The moment the cool air of the January night hits them, Noah flinches hard, and his shaking somehow intensifies. Just as quickly as they fled, Finn lowers Noah against the concrete wall and observes his state. Noah is terrified, and he quickly is able to see.
Despite Noah’s apparent insistence to hide his face from the world in his knees and curl into himself, his body continues to seize, and his hands are yanking harshly as his hair and clawing at his chest. Then, Finn realises that Noah isn’t breathing.
Or, maybe, Noah is breathing too much because the only sound Finn can focus on or even hear is Noah’s harsh inhales and shaky sobs that are disrupting his state.
“Noah, I think you're having a panic attack,” Finn tries to establish, but Noah isn’t responsive at all. In fact, Finn thinks his words might make him curl in on himself even more, yanking his hair so hard there are chunks of his brunette locks stuck in his fingers.
Finn tries again, repeating Noah’s name in desperation for a response and waving his arms.
Finn doesn’t want to touch Noah again and panic him further, but Noah is breathing really fucking fast, and he hasn’t stopped breaking down in sobs yet.
Not only that, but the younger boy has just collapsed into his arms after shooting for god's sake and briefly went unconscious, and he’s worried that if Noah doesn’t start breathing soon that the situation may turn for the worse.
When the hand digging into Noah’s neck begins to draw harsh, bleeding scratches, Finn jumps to his last resort and tightly grips both of Noah’s wrists.
As he expected, Noah thrashes so harshly he begins to flail, and his head shoots up from his knees, eyes blown wide and glossed over from not only the trance he currently seems to be in but from tears as well.
“Noah, it’s me, Finn. Please, I need you to breathe,” Finn pleads, voice cracking and his own tears beginning to form in his eyes as he watches his best friend struggle.
“Can’t- I can’t,” Noah hurries out in a quick breath like it’s his last words.
Finn squeezes his wrists, “You can. I know you can.” He continues to reassure Noah as he shakes his head side to side and tears fling off his swollen face.
“Please,” Finn tries again, desperate for more progress, “breathe with me, okay?”
Noah, eyes still darting around rapidly, nods in a rhythmic, shaken manner and finally exhales. Finn still holds Noah’s wrists to keep the teen from scratching himself further while he emphasises his breathing, a small smile breaking out on his face as Noah finally begins to follow.
His harsh and disruptive shaking whines turn into a slow, controlled sniffle as he hangs his head down back into his knees, avoiding eye contact with Finn in shame. Shame for how he is - how he has all these large and explosive emotions. Shame for his outburst and shame for being disruptive. Shame for taking up space.
Then, Noah locks eyes with Finn for a split second, horror filling his face before he chokes, “I’m gonna be sick.” He yanks his wrists out of Finn’s control and throws himself away. Noah lurches forward, spilling vile across the cement and clutching his side in dismay.
Still disoriented from his panic attack, this is still more or less occurring, Noah doesn’t realise as Finn comes up behind him and pushes his hair out of his face while Noah continues to gag up the contents of what he ate eight hours ago and the snot he accidentally swallowed when gasping for air.
Once again, Noah spits out the final contents of his stomach and leans backwards, his throat now hoarse and burning to accompany his nausea and tingly limbs.
Finn carefully puts his hand on Noah’s arm and guides him backwards to the wall, this time farther down and away from the new pile of puke. Noah lets Finn guide him, energy now completely devoid from his body and eyelids feeling heavy as well as the rest of his body.
Finally, time slows as Millie turns the corner with Noah’s personal water bottle and a large blanket. Finn drops back to the ground as Millie scoots to the opposing side of Noah, resting against the wall and shoves the water bottle in his hands.
Silently, she chucks the other side of the blanket over to Finn, and the two of them simultaneously pull, draping the large fuzzy blanket over the three of them. They sit in comfortable silence as Noah slowly sips from his water bottle and rests his eyes, taking in the cool wind of the winter night.
Then, Noah begins to quietly giggle, shaking his head, “I love you guys.” Silence fills their surroundings before both Millie and Finn break out in giggles as well. Quickly, the three erupt into laughter that shakes their bodies without the tears to accompany. Millie drapes her hand around the group, and a soft smile blooms on Noah’s face.
Sure, they can talk later, Noah thinks. Later, their group will talk and hug, and Noah will probably cry again while they tell him that he’s perfect, how he is. They will reassure him that he doesn’t need to change and tell him how they are all here for him, no matter what.
They will hug, and everything will be fine. Noah knows that it doesn’t matter what the audience or the internet or even the Duffers think, because Noah has people who love and support him. Noah knows that he doesn’t have to be alone. So for now, they just sit together